I decided to post in this section 'cos I've read through most of the sections and I believe the most mature minds are here, so I really need honest + 'non-insultive' opinions here about this situation. I will narrate the story from the beginning, so you can have detailed understanding of the situation and give good advises. Thanks in advance,

I was in a relationship with my ex for about 9years, 3years into the relationship I had to leave the country to further my studies. A year and some months after I returned to Nigeria and had the opportunity to see him again and we actually decided to get married after I complete my studies which by the had not started because I was only in a pre-degree program then.

After some months in Nigeria, I left to start all over again in the present country where I reside now. In my 2nd year of study, a new student transferred to my school and been the only black& Nigerian girl in the school then, I helped him settle down and all that. We became very good friends even with my then boyfriend and everything was working out well. Two years later, I started having serious issues with my boyfriend, things were not as they used to be any more. I sustained the relationship by keeping the communication between us going for years and later couldn't bear it anymore but I could not bear to break up with him cos I loved him deeply and really wanted to end up with him.

As years passed and I was busy with my academics, my boyfriend was busy building his castles in the air, he dropped out of school, decided he wanted to play football, I advised him to continue with his academics and play football part-time but he said I wanted to change the course of his destiny. He knows the kind of family I come from is one that holds Education in high esteem, I told him I wouldn't be able to marry an un-educated man as the man would not even be able to survive around my family or friends. He turned deaf ears and told me when he eventually succeeds I will be very proud of him. Many years have passed and he is actually still not doing anything till now.

Anyways I went home this last summer and we decided to part ways with understanding (even though I still love him and would not mind doing whatever it takes to see him succeed, although I do not think he wants to anyway ). We finally broke up this July but decided to still stay friends i.e if he ever needs my help, I'll always try to be available.

I do not intend to make this too long, so I'll continue the next part which is actually my challenge later,

Ok the other part now,

During this period, I still had my friend here with me who really helped me carry through spiritually, emotionally and academically. He was always there, and at a point started asking me out. I told him I couldn't double date as he is aware that I am still 'entangled' with someone else. He was patient till I decided to go end it in person with my ex.

We actually went to Nigeria together, and even before we went home our families knew we were good friends and were expecting us. Anyway, we got to Nigeria and I met his family, he met mine and everyone liked the whole idea of us being together even though we were not yet in a relationship. I explained to my sisters that I had to break up with my ex first and take my time before going into another relationship and they understood but they really liked this new guy so much. His family also liked me very well and they just accepted me as a wife-to-be.

Now, we returned to our city to complete our final year and suddenly the whole relationship idea is turning him into something else. Before we went home, we used to be so perfect together, talked about everything, we had only ourselves even tho there are more students now and other friends, we were best friends but now even tho we still live together and do everything together, I noticed that we hardly talk as we used to. He now prefers to talk more to his brother via BB which I did not mind before but now its getting to me because all we have to talk about now is just school work, church, or something someone said but nothing really about ourselves.

I spoke to him about it and the new him instead of replying will say let me think about it (i.e discuss it with his brother), after I also told him I did not like the fact that he tells his brother everything and he said him and his brother agreed never to marry any woman that will come between both of them. They are actually six of them but just 2boys (himself and his elder brother). He knows I love and respect my family and their opinions a lot so I do not mind his relationship with his brother but suddenly I feel he has replaced my role with his brother.

I asked him what he wants from this relationship and he said right now he has to seek God's face because he did not do that from the beginning. So I told him it will be better for us to break up so he can work on himself and he said he doesn't think we have to break up to achieve that, but since I can't bear it and what if after praying he discovers he his on the wrong path, is it then he will tell me its over? Anyway, he agreed to break up and now we have. I am so angry that we had to waste much time just to arrive at this, He knows I do not keep friends and I find it very hard discussing my issues with people and the only person I'm used to talking to is him and now that we really can't discuss as we should I have resorted to the internet to pour my heart out.

I feel like talking actually and not typing as I feel what I'm even typing is not making sense apparently. Pls from the 'little' I have expressed here what do you think my problem is (if I'm the one with the issue) and how can I address it.

Two advises for you as a fellow sister: never you live with a man that has not put the ring on your finger, never. You guys talks bout church when you are together, what abou church did yous talk about? Co-habitation?

Second off, never you date a man for 9 yrs. that is 9 yrs wasted, nine non productive years that can never be recovered. No sane woman should court a man for too long.

I will be back later

Another advise, don't expect him to tell you everything now because things have changed. He is no longer a friend but a boyfriend so yes he has to filter his words before saying shait to you.

That said, he did not replace you,you have no ownership rights now remember? He isn't married to you so slow your role.

Another advise: there are just two boys in my family as well but they are not as crazy as the ones in your scenario, you need to run as far away as possible from that guy, he is no longer interested. He wants to seek the face or God, did he not seek the face before involving himself in premarital sex? (I stand to be corrected). He is no longer interested In the relationship and has shown signs of boredom already. Move onnnn

Thanksss Jenny,

we had being living together for a very long time even before dating. We live together but we do not have carnal knowledge of each other, its all understanding and knowing what we both stand to gain eventually.

Also, yeah 9yrs was a mistake that's bound never to happen again and I had the time then so did not really mind letting it go like that.

There are some relationships that should just remain platonic. When you have a friend of the opposite gender you tell everything to, Keep that relationship as it is and do not go for more else you will ruin a good friendship which you two have done. The only person that knows a lot about me is my husband and believe me he knew this much after I married him. So many things he did not know about me when we were courting, because I made I'm realize I was not obliged to tell him everything that happens in my life as he is just 'man' in my life. Learn to keep certain things to yourself.

Second off, what you seek in a man you will never find, you want a man you can mould into whatever you want, a perfect man with good educational background, a man that will not replace you with a family member even though he is not married to you yet. It's all about you you and you, it's all about what you want. If my husband was stooopid enough to ask me during courtship who I found more important in my life, a family member or him, I would choose a family member immediately cos like I said earlier on, I had no ties with him then and for that reason he does not come first in my life. Hope you catch my drift

I know we are not married yet but then we used to discuss everything before even as just friends so y the change now? I really don't get it, I feel we should even be more close now.

Yeah I do understand you, thanks again for pointing out my selfish part. Truly, no 1 comes before my immediate family either atleast since I am not married yet, so y would I want that from him, hmmmm I get.

I really appreciate you taking time out to talk to me like dis, this is really what I need now. Thanks again but it doesn't justify his reasons for not talking to me like before. Also, does it mean we are just better friends?? Are friends not supposed to make better partners? Cos that's what I had always envisaged

Pearl you both lived together and if I was in your situation, I wouldn't date him. We all Ned space and good thing you both were able to abstain. All I am trying to let yOu know is, a woman shouldnt expect too much from a guy she is dating because he can walk in and out of your life and you can do nothing about it. Of course we expect them to be faithful and loving e. t. C but that's all there is to it.

You haven't made a mistake dearie,you just dated a guy or guys you shouldn't have dated. All you need to do is take a breather for a second, think about what you want from a man, make sure say your demand is not too high and go for that person

No you are right,friends make good partners but not that kind of friendship. A person that knows too much about you before the relationship started is a no no for me. There is nothing to look forward to in that relationship because he knows too much already. Men take us out on a date to know more about us but in your case would there be a need for it? See where I am coming from? That friendship is better developed in marriage or half of It during courtship.

Thanks CC,

True, but they are not the only ones here. I hate dating, I prefer to make a very good friend and stick with that one for a very long time. I have met many other guys but I chose to stay with these ones cos there was something unique about them and I thought we could work/walk together.

Well, now I probably have to just let go of everything and just face other important areas of my life.

Thanks Jenny too Now I know where my mistake was, thank God its not too late, I have a future ahead of me.

Merry Christmas to you wonderful people,

No worries mate.


Merry Xmas to you and CC. It's Xmas here already

CC check properly, maybe he wrapped the x5 and put it under the Christmas tree, you know that Mr CC can do unique things

As for me, I have my eyes glued to the Xmas tree, my own RR sports might be there too. I cannot fit wait

op

you dated the guy for 9 years and also lived together before then.

if you started dating at maybe 19 that means you're say over 28 now.


where were your parents or relatives when you were living with this man?

just wondering.

did you declare your freedom or something, packed your load and moved in with your boyfriend?


hence they [your family] "hands offed" your matter?

maybe you need to make restitution ie amends.

i dont understand your question btw.

is this a real story?

OP, I think you should just keep searching. You've not found the right guy yet.

On a general note, one advice I have for every lady out there is this: Never let marriage be your ultimate goal in life cos you may be disappointed. In today's world, a lady should build her life / business / career to be able to stand firmly on her own. While on that, meet people and sieve through them. Until you find the right person, don't settle for just anyone. And NO, I'm not talking about having a list of specifications the guy must meet. When you do meet "Mr. Right", everything falls into place and it becomes so easy. At that point, nothing else really matters. Even if you are 40 b4 meeting d right person. It will be about just d two of u. I don't know if I can describe this properly but I hope u get d message. Be yourself, move on but be happy.

i think there should be a balance between desperately searching for a marriage partner and desperately building your career in the absence of one.


imo, prayer is key here, and also a well adjusted state of mind, the absence of which could lead to dire consequences.

@ Tpia, thanks but like I explained above I dated my EX for 9years but between those years I was studying in another country where I lived with my new 'best friend' during the same period. So they are different guys and all dis happened in this space of 9 years (2011). I am desperately building a career, and I'm grateful to God for how far he has actually brought me. Prayer, truly, that's a key which I haven't neglected and won't.

@efisher, thank you also. I actually have a career and I will be through come this July, so I am not actually dependent or looking too eagerly for marriage. I started dating very early + finished high school very early too and that's y i still have time even tho' I wasted so much, Thank God.