Ok this is my first time here, I'm in a very tough situation that I really need some help with. Hopefully someone can help me figure out what to do, This is going to take a while, Here goes,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We've known each other and always had a "thing" for about 5 years. A few months ago, I moved in with him and his mother, About two weeks ago. We all moved into a new apartment. (Him, I, his mother, and her unofficial husband) Everything started off well. My boyfriend and I moved into the new place 3-4 days before his mother & her husband moved in. Like I said everything started off well, but everything has gone downhill. When I moved into their home, I wasnt aware of who paid what and so forth. But I do know that my boyfriend gave his mom money here and there.

Now that we've moved(from a small unkept run-down apt. to a beautiful big one-family house) we obviously have to figure out our finances. Whos paying what and when etc. Well its come to the point that I am paying my part of rent, our car insurance, our car payments,bills, and food shopping, and all of the other things we NEED. Well HE is paying rent for his rent, his mother's rent and her huisbands rent. He is also paying for their private phone line and satellite TV. He also provides her with all of her spending money and gives her at least $30-$40 a day "just to keep her happy" Now mother DOES NOT work. She stays home all day-while I put in 45-50 hours of work just to keep up with expenses.

Am i wrong to feel that "mommy" should be a woman and take care of herself? Am i wrong to feel that he should not be giving her spending money as if she were a child?? Am i wrong to feel that he should be helping me with important things for us before paying her phone and satellite bills?

I know this was a long message but I really need some help. I know we both love each other and I don't want this issue to tear us apart, please help, ( By the way "Mommy" is only 42 years old and fully mentally and physically able to work )

A little More back ground please
are you Nigerian or is it your boyfriend or non of you.
or both of you
just to understand better.

This is one weird American way of life. Just calm down. Would you like to make your union with that man official? I mean, is he willing and making plans towards making your union with him official as in marriage?

If he's not, then I suggest it's high time you left him and his mom. But if you love him and would like to be his wife, even when he's not very much interested in it, then try and make him interested in settling down. And after settling down as husband and wife, then you'd have the gut to chase out who you don't want in your home.

But right now, there's nothing much you can do, than to just live with it.

I would advise a second (joint account) were you and boyfriend put an amount monthly for all expenses
then everyone can do with the rest what they want.
the biggest fight between a man and a woman is his mother and his religion not many women win this fights.

I think you shouldnt have moved in with them in the first place because if you move in with a man and his mother,there's always trouble, except in very rare cases.
Is there a way to tell him that you are very unhappy with the way he spends money on everything else and treats both your expenses together carelessly?
Unless you're willing to spend the rest of your life with him, i suggest you leave because this relationship with you-him-his mother-her unofficial husband, etc is very unhealthy.

Now just a moment, she is his mother and only God knows what she went through raising him.
I do not think you have a right to interfere, let him do what he feels is right.
If you ever get married to him and have kids, well there will not be so much money for his mother.
You have to be very diplomatic. if you do not want to lose him. You cannot win against a mother in law.

Its not a fight against his mother-in-law.If it as,am sure she wouldnt have moved in with them in the first place.She's just upset that he spends so much money on her to the detriment of their own expenses together and she has so many hours a week to keep up.

But when he starts reducing the money world war 2 will break out

First of all the man is not her Husband. Moving in with him is totally wrong. Thats why she is in this situation.
Boys love their moms, Its nature. If my mom wasn't working and i was i'd take care of her. After all the rouble i put her through when i was young. So you cannot blame a boy for spending on his mother.

My advice ; move out and get your respect, you should be independent not dependent on anyone for comfort or shelter or love until it's so bad you move in with them when your not married. You should have known who paid for what before you moved in. If you dnt handle this right it'll definately tear you boys apart and bring enimty between you and his family.

My advice again save up and move out. if he loves you he'll call you back and you will get married. Then you have a right to talk.

nightrider:

seun there again. that was G.U.Y.S that automatically changed to boys

yeah noticed it too and it seems to have changed the context of many previous posts now that "g.u.y.s" automatically changes to "boys". (some posts seem to have taken on a gay slant, which i think the new law frowns on )

@seun
I don't understand why you've made this change. Here's the definition of "g.u.y.s" According to dictionary.com

Informal. A man; a fellow.
'g.u.y.s' Informal. Persons of either sex.
Chiefly British. A person of odd or grotesque appearance or dress.
often G.u.y An effigy of G.u.y Fawkes paraded through the streets of English towns and burned on G.u.y Fawkes Day.

Its really ridiculous as if i typed 'G.u.y' Fawkes Day (it would default to boy Fawkes Day )

ijebuman: let's discuss this by email.

everybody else: remember the topic: 'Boyfriend Spends So Much Money On Stay-at-home Mom'

Back to the topic at hand. @Unhappy - I think as your not married to the boy (Seun please leave I meant boy and not boy) you really should not be getting involved. It is your boyfriends decision what he does with his money. It may be hard to stay out but until you become one (If you ever do, do you want to?) keep out. Express your concerns with him. Good luck.

Unhappy, here is my 2cents…

This situation seems to have been existing before you moved in, …just that you were not aware of it, you really ought to have discussed who would pay for what before you all moved in together.You are now aware, what do you want to do about it? If you are intending to have a lasting relationship with this boy, then you do have to talk about it with him.As it is its a timebomb waiting to go off,

While I can understand him supporting his mum within reason (even though @42 she is too young to need that much supporting unless she is ill or something-which you say she isn’t?)It doesn’t sound like it’s within reason if he is leaving all YOUR bills AS A COUPLE to you. He shouldn’t need to support her partner/husband as well at your detriment!What about if you had to support your family too?

You may have to take yourself out of the equation and till you understand things better, and can come to an acceptable compromise with him-outside of the situation. You should certainly not have to "accept" it just because you want to be with him.

Mamaput asked a good question that has been ignored. If these people are Nigerians, then we may be able to give the right advice because we can easily relate with the culture and life style.

But in all, if I assume that they are Nigerian, then i will like to advise you thus:

If you are not satisfied with doing what you are doing i.e. pay the bills you are paying probably feeling that you are paying more than your boyfriend, then politely discuss it with him in a manner that will not get him angry.

If not, then dont border about his mum and whatever he givers her. that is his own business so far as it is not affecting your relationship.

Thirdly, if both of you wants to get married, then make him do it as soon as possible and leave the appartment for the mother and her husband. If there is no marriage, then pack out of the appartment and let the relationship continue the way it was befor you moved in with him. Your anger will continue to grow when you see the guy still giving money to his mum the way he does.

Now this really is a dicey situation. You all have raised important questions which i think Unhappy has to give answers to. To me really i don't u should have moved in with his mom and hubby, like someone pointed out, u have 2 move out and earn your respect. If you guys love each other, or if U love him really, then i don't see any big deal in calling him and talking d whole thing together. This is something you are uncomfortable about, let him know with love, bearing in mind that the woman in question is his MOM.

The situaltion is unlikely to change even when you both get married if you don't talk to him about it. I think you should both talk about it, cause only the both of you can understand your situation better. Let him know it's bothering you and try to reach a compromise.

Ok, well first off I want to thank everyone for their advise. Although I disagree with some of the comments, I do accept all advise with much respect. Ok here goes, #1 Alot of you asked if I was Nigerian and my answer is no, I am not. I am Hispanic. I live in the United States. I found this website through Google and it caught my eye. I decided to leave my issue hoping I would get some results and I definately did. So Thank you all. Well let me just say that my boyfriend and I have been together for a long time, I know that we both love each other and want to get married. See here in the US it is common for a couple to live together without being married. When we moved into this new place, it was supposed to be that my boyfriend and I were moving in alone. Then about 3 days after we moved in, something coincidently went wrong and "mommy" and her boyfriend had to move in. I have no personal problem with her, its just as I explained I dont feel comfortable with the way he spends so much on her. Fortunately we have talked about this, and we have set up a way to kinda make everyone happy.I'm just hoping that it all works out, I love him, know he loves me and am willing to try and make things work out. I dont give up easily and whether its a lost battle or not (being against his mom as someone put it) I will not give up. , So there it is, Looking forward to some replies, Thanks for everything,

I appreciate your resolve to make your relationship work and the love you have for your precious Nigerian boo. I'm glad that some of our comments may have been useful, and I hope the arrangement you settled on works.

sick,he supposed to spend that cash on me
not stay at home mommy

The man is not your husband for heavens sake, so why are you having a problem with his decision to take care of his mother? It would have been a different scenario if both of you are legally married, and he abandoned his responsibilities for the upkeep of his mother. You cant dictate to him how he can spend his money, the best you can do is to leave the relationship.

Ndipe:

The man is not your husband for heavens sake, so why are you having a problem with his decision to take care of his mother? It would have been a different scenario if both of you are legally married, and he abandoned his responsibilities for the upkeep of his mother. You cant dictate to him how he can spend his money, the best you can do is to leave the relationship.

Co-signed.

So she is working 45 hours a week and sharing the house with three adults and you guys do not feel that they should consider that? I am going to assume that this original poster is not Nigerian. My advice to you is that you should move out and make sure that you do not leave with your name on the lease. Do not plan your future with someone who makes such financial decisions. How old is the mother and her boyfriend. Are they too old to work? If not then you are signing yourself up for more trouble.

Hehehehe completely missed that

Why do people dig out such old topics and post on them The poster was even last active in 2006