Hello everyone ,its me again and my question and posers but me i am always having discussions about life issues and i think posting them on nairaland is a sort of survey for me so i apologise .

I was having this discussion or should i call it argument with my hubby's cousin's wife who came visiting from Nigeria last week.Her hubby is very rich( and by rich i mean very for those of you in the uk someone who can afford to send a child to Malvern St James for A levels as well as buy a house in the heart of london for the wife to stay with the child).She was kinda having a go at me for working,when i say having a go she was kind of saying that she does not understand why i put my lil one in a nursery(my LO is 18 months old) and that she was too young.We then ended up having an argument as she feels that a mother's role is to stay and nurture a child till the child is old enough to take care of itself and then the roles reverse when the parent or mother in this case is old and can no longer take care of themselves.She believes that the reason a lot of us try to work is because we are imbibing western ideas and so do not want to rely on ur kids in our old age.She also went ahead to tell me statistics and stuff like studies show that kids are more confident if they know their mom is waiting at home for them from school or is coming to pick them up(total crap )I do get where she is coming from but does that mean the mom cannot work,she might have to work round having to be there in the afternoonsn and being there for her child when they need them the most, i do that, my sis in law does that and so many other moms i know do that.

I did not agree with her one bit as her logic simply means a mother giving up everything else to be a mother and then waiting for the child to reciprocate in the future.Why should anyone give up their life for another?When i went back to work after my maternity leave, i took a paycut and reduction in hrs in other to spend time with my hubby and child and my manager knows not to ask me for overtime.I get her point of a child should be a parent's priority as so many parents esp in the west spend so much time working and making money at the neglect of the kids welfare.So i subscribe to a robust work life balance.She believes that if a working mother achieves 80% success raising a child she would have gotten 98% if not working .(crap again ).There is no one size fits all for parenting and we have kids of stay-at- home moms who turn out crap and kids of working moms who turn out crap so its relative.Dont orphans turn out sucessful?Also some people cant afford to stay at home is what i told her(ok for her to say when her hubby is loaded) .

So let me stop here and see what you guys think?

It is all about quality not quantity. Some men don't want their women to work. I once had a discussion with Baba kadry @ some point he wanted me to stop working and face my business.We had a good long talk about the whole thing one night and I told him I was willing to cut down on my hours even if I had to work only twice a week but stopping work just like that after so many years in the university , learning and craming too many "terminologies" and the amount of money paid for my school fees as an international student then , I just cannot give up my career like that.

What I'm I trying to say, a stay at home mum might not give her kids the needed attention much more than a working mum and vice versa. I could go to work and back and spend the whole day with my kids it does not make me less "motherly" .

//

Sorry. We are Africans.
With white peeps ok. Even then. . . wahala still dey o!


The stay-at-home mom gets cheated,  . . .THEY AGE faster and eat themselves to FATNESS/UNATTRACTIVENESS. . . with all that 'home schooling' with cookie jars and cotton candy canes all over the house. She is eating 24/7 to keep the children happy/quiet. Ever so frustrated without help from the men. Even with all the money, if at all there is money involved.

A grave risk too, taken by the stay-at-home-moms OR DADS!!!! if anything happens to that man/woman of hers/his.
She/he can only re-learn her/his skills of survival in another man's/woman's bed, especially if the woman/man does not leave a 'fortune left behind if she/he ever loses her/his income/or dies unfortunately for the family. Poor children.

It takes 2 to give a family the best for MOST in this modern day/age. No matter how wealthy the man is.
Chances are that MOST men are polygamists. . .with other women and children in their lives. . . I pity any woman/man who chooses to be a stay-at-home woman/mom.

Choices are respected of course.

Not my portion in the name of MY GOD!!! Amen.
My brain will just 'quench' packing poo and wiping snort all day/night.
That would irritate me tremendously.

I don't advocate moms being single parents for the most parts, where dads are sole bread winners of a home.
The lives of BOTH parents should be felt in childrens' lives. Both should play equal parts in relieving each other from the home as a TEAM.
It helps the children bond equally with BOTH parents. Less chances of divorces that way.

A man that is not used to spending time at home can NEVER bond with his children. NEVER. This makes him a whole lot more prone to living an emotionally unstable and nomadic lifestyle. . . and the women ever so willing to be 'single' parents by not trusting the men with THEIR own children upon seperation or divorce. All they would want at that point is that almighty child support payment. . .and would do everything to be full custodians of the unfortunate children.

Stay-at-home parenting forsters a domestic cycle of detachment/dependency, . .AND ABUSE!!! The children are the main losers since they NEVER grow up to be 'stable', independent adults.

There is no one size fits all for parenting

True. But the best possible parenting pattern is one with BOTH parents present and pro-active in the lives of their children. A team work. . .where all work to keep the family safe, loving and whole.

I personally think it is better for the mother to work. My boys have always been very independent. I don't understand it when I see nigerian women here in the US who still carry their two year olds around like newborns and still spoon feeding them. I personally think that some of them drag it on for so long so that they will not be useful for anything else.

like one said it is all about quality and paying attention to the child and also what age of the child are talking about

pre-school and above will spend roughly six hours at school meaning a stay at home mom izs more or less like the working mom

attention and quality is the key

chaircover:

First things first don't let anyone and I mean anyone make you feel guilty for the way you look after your kids. People just like to transfer their own issues onto someone else to make themselves look good.

I agree. It's about what works for the family at the time. In some places childcare s so expensive that the wife must stay home. In other cases the woman wants to stay home because of the lack of trustworthy childcare. Some families cannot afford to be without two incomes and both parents gladly have a career that their kids can be proud of.
I know many homeschooled, sheltered kids that were not prepared for the responsibilities of the real world.
It's about the big picture.

CC that may work for you but believe you me many a mother do not always take right decisions.The need advise from outside.

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There you are right. Almost every African couple I meet here are having issues over money.-OP

So soory i have not come back since posting the topic have been so busy and cant seem to get the hang of NL on my phone.
@ CC i so understand what you mean as if i was not sure of my relationship the way the woman talks i would start acting up towards hubby as her suggesstions are so extreme.Its not like i even asked for advise( i never ever discuss our finances with anyone not even my mother), i was just joking that my LO is such a drama queen when sees me and her dad and is such an angel at nursery.And as you said not all people can afford to live on just one wage.Her hubby is all this macho men who do not want their wife to contribute 1p to the family upkeep and she believes all men should be like that .Someone that advised her friend that she should allow her daughter stay at home for 3 weeks even though she(the friend) had thebalance of the school fees saying that the woman should never pay school fees.She has some good points like saying a woman should not want what her husband cannot afford(as so many women tend to take over the home as soon as they can afford something and sometimes disregard their husbands in the process)but not contributing even 1 penny to the family's financesn o matter what ,na wa .And she means it o,if she buys something worth 50 naira in the house, her hubby gives it back to her.But that is their home and marriage so guess it works for them.

Last i checked it was called "HOUSE WIFE" what's with this stay-at-wha i see all over these day, i think people just like package their status 2make it sound like a project. @ poster don't ever dream of leaving ur job based on what dat lady thinks, u can always stil have time for ur kids, and they'll stil luv u. I'm sure she'l envy you in someway. Hubby is rich MBA!! who's hubby isn't?

Blazay:

I don't advocate moms being single parents for the most parts, where dads are sole bread winners of a home

The lives of BOTH parents should be felt in childrens' lives. Both should play equal parts in relieving each other from the home as a TEAM.

It helps the children bond equally with BOTH parents. Less chances of divorces that way.

A man that is not used to spending time at home can NEVER bond with his children. NEVER.

This makes him a whole lot more prone to living an eemotionally unstable and nomadic lifestyle. . . and the women ever so willing to be 'single' parents by not trusting the men with THEIR own children upon seperation or divorce

[size=13pt]3 GBAMS.[/size]

@poster
What happens when the Malvern st james girl finishes from university, presumably, Harvard or Wharton or Oxford? She also becomes an housewife forever? Okay o, staying at home is okay for a while to build the foundation of the children but not forever.