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I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! - Culture - Nairaland

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I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Onemela: 4:45pm On Mar 30, 2012
I am truly confused and worried today. I am a Canadian woman engaged to be married to an Igbo man in the fall in Canada. He's living here. We are both Catholic and are set to marry in the Catholic church. We have been engaged for exactly three months and yesterday he told me that his father's eldest brother (his father passed away several years ago) is now threatening to disown him. My fiance's brother was accepted to school here as well and when he went to his village for permission to travel, they confiscated his passport and will not allow him to come because he's single and may do the same thing that my fiance is doing, marrying outside the culture.

I know my fiance is completly torn apart at this time. If he marries me he loses his family and inheritance and we condemn our future children to never know their family. I don't honestly know if I can live with that. I love him so much I can't stand to think that he might have to lose so much.

As I was not raised with this type of culture I am completely shocked and in desperate need of a clear opinion on what is right for me to do. I can't imagine my life without this man. I see him as the father of my children and companion of my future. But I don't want our marriage to be a constant reminder that he has nothing left to go home to.

Is there anything I can do that might help this situation? I have no intention of changing his culture or keeping it from our children. I love his culture and I am trying to learn more about him all the time. All I want is to be a wonderful wife for him and mother to his children.

I feel completely helpless and just cry to God for help but I could really use some honest opinions.

Thank you,

Melissa
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by NRIPRIEST(m): 7:54pm On Mar 30, 2012
Onemela: I am truly confused and worried today. I am a Canadian woman engaged to be married to an Igbo man in the fall in Canada. He's living here. We are both Catholic and are set to marry in the Catholic church. We have been engaged for exactly three months and yesterday he told me that his father's eldest brother (his father passed away several years ago) is now threatening to disown him. My fiance's brother was accepted to school here as well and when he went to his village for permission to travel, they confiscated his passport and will not allow him to come because he's single and may do the same thing that my fiance is doing, marrying outside the culture.

I know my fiance is completly torn apart at this time. If he marries me he loses his family and inheritance and we condemn our future children to never know their family. I don't honestly know if I can live with that. I love him so much I can't stand to think that he might have to lose so much.

As I was not raised with this type of culture I am completely shocked and in desperate need of a clear opinion on what is right for me to do. I can't imagine my life without this man. I see him as the father of my children and companion of my future. But I don't want our marriage to be a constant reminder that he has nothing left to go home to.

Is there anything I can do that might help this situation? I have no intention of changing his culture or keeping it from our children. I love his culture and I am trying to learn more about him all the time. All I want is to be a wonderful wife for him and mother to his children.

I feel completely helpless and just cry to God for help but I could really use some honest opinions.

Thank you,

Melissa

Melissa,myself is also from same tribe as your fiance and our ppl frown at their children marrying outside their tribe talk more of a person from the Americas, who has no knowledge of their culture. You are gonna have a hard time convincing his family to accept you! Best thing is to move on now before its too late! He will NEVER marry you! You are just wasting your time! MOVE ON WITH YOUR DANM LIFE,SISTER!

1 Like

 
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by kelz88(f): 12:06am On Mar 31, 2012
shocked shocked @ replies!!

If your people happen to be backwards, then just say. Haba! Stop making it look like Nigerians are monsters.
Same Nigerians that treat expats better than their own people in Naija. SMH!!




Your fiance needs to man up.

2 Likes

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 12:11am On Mar 31, 2012
kelz88: shocked shocked @ replies!!

If your people happen to be backwards, then just say. Haba! Stop making it look like Nigerians are monsters.
Same Nigerians that treat expats better than their own people in Naija. SMH!!




Your fiance needs to man up.


go lick her up. that is what your type are meant for. .
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by kelz88(f): 12:14am On Mar 31, 2012


My "type" indeed. Excuse me pass jor.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Obiagu1(m): 5:21am On Mar 31, 2012
He can't be disowned! angry
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by zannie(f): 9:40am On Mar 31, 2012
There are thousands of Igbos married to non-Igbos. I'm Igbo myself so I know. We may be very traditional when it comes to marriages, but I know we are open hearted and welcoming. Nobody should be seizing ur fiance's passport in this era just because he wants to marry you. He should have a very long talk with his people. He's a grown Bottom man, and should fight for what both of u have, if he loves you just as much as you love him. Unless his father's brothers have something against him or had something against his father, I see no reason why they should behave this way
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by ifyalways(f): 10:18am On Mar 31, 2012
@OP, what is your man's position?what is he saying or planning on doing?

Facts are:
You cannot force anyone to love or accept you.
Your man if he truely wants to marry you, keyword is marry not love, would stand up for you.
Nobody is disowning anyone. Hello 2012.

None of us strangers can do much for you, call your man and ask him his plans for this relationship. If he says he's confused bla bla then maybe its time to take a walk. Sometimes dear, love is not just enough. Tough luck, life aint fair. . .
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by OneNaira6: 11:00am On Mar 31, 2012
Onemela: I am truly confused and worried today. I am a Canadian woman engaged to be married to an Igbo man in the fall in Canada. He's living here. We are both Catholic and are set to marry in the Catholic church. We have been engaged for exactly three months and yesterday he told me that his father's eldest brother (his father passed away several years ago) is now threatening to disown him. My fiance's brother was accepted to school here as well and when he went to his village for permission to travel, they confiscated his passport and will not allow him to come because he's single and may do the same thing that my fiance is doing, marrying outside the culture.

I know my fiance is completly torn apart at this time. If he marries me he loses his family and inheritance and we condemn our future children to never know their family. I don't honestly know if I can live with that. I love him so much I can't stand to think that he might have to lose so much.

As I was not raised with this type of culture I am completely shocked and in desperate need of a clear opinion on what is right for me to do. I can't imagine my life without this man. I see him as the father of my children and companion of my future. But I don't want our marriage to be a constant reminder that he has nothing left to go home to.

Is there anything I can do that might help this situation? I have no intention of changing his culture or keeping it from our children. I love his culture and I am trying to learn more about him all the time. All I want is to be a wonderful wife for him and mother to his children.

I feel completely helpless and just cry to God for help but I could really use some honest opinions.

Thank you,

Melissa

Melissa in some Igbo community, marrying outside is frowned upon very much. If the fight was against the community then you had a chance on winning but this is against his family. There isn't much you can do, you can try to change the outcome but you have a better chance at being struck by a lighting than changing the outcome. Tradition, culture, etc is very important to Igbo people. Either you marry him and he losses everything or una go una separate ways. We, the strangers, cannot tell you want to choose. You have the make that discussion yourself

If you know the man's village/hometown, list it, there might be people from his hometown on NL whom can help you fight this problem and come out victories.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Onemela: 4:48pm On Mar 31, 2012
I want to thank you all for your honesty and kindness. This is very difficult for me. I was not aware that this could even have been a possibility and it feels like being hit with a bus to plan a future with someone only to have it ripped away.

I know that he is from Onitsha in Anambra State and most of his family does support us. But his uncle is the head of his kinship in his village and the council will make their final decision in June. My fiance is here with me. It is his brother who had his passport confiscated by the council. If they decide to disown him I am sure he will side with them. We have already cancelled the plans for our marriage this fall. I'm pretty sure he has given up on me and it is only a matter of time until we separate.

I am beside myself with grief but I suppose life is like this sometimes and we gain strength from these experiences. I just can't imagine that the life I've been building with him is now over. I didn't know about this...it was really never my intention to ruin his culture for him. I don't see race as an issue. I'm so hurt that his kinship doesn't care at all whether I am a good woman or the right wife for him only because of where I was born. Please understand that as a Canadian woman I was not raised to think in terms of colour or ethnicity. We share a common faith in God and I thought that was stronger than the rest but I have been proven wrong.

Thank you again for your input. God bless you all and keep you.

2 Likes

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by ifyalways(f): 5:33pm On Mar 31, 2012
Oh, he's from onitsha. I don't know the purpose or what spilling the town would do for your case though?

I'm partly onitsha and can list the number of people I know that are married to foreign women in a flash.

The most important question is "what is your man saying or doing"? Is it possible he is using his family as an excuse to get away from you?

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Obiagu1(m): 12:14am On Apr 01, 2012
@ Onemela, ask your man to tell you his mind. No one can disown him; it's even hard for a father to disown a child not to talk of an uncle. He's simply lying to you.
If he's not interested in marrying you, don't force him because he won't. Maybe he is only interested in friendship.

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Nobody: 8:27am On Apr 07, 2012
@OP
Dude, your boyfriend needs some balls. He needs to man up. If he loves you, family be damned; culture be damned; community be damned twice over. But at the same time, you need to be patient with him, it's not easy (for most people) to turn your back on their family. But if he loves you, if he, like you said about him, can't imagine life without you, then it's gonna be my favourite type of stance: both of you, against the goddamned world!

2 Likes

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Afam4eva(m): 8:48am On Apr 07, 2012
Obiagu1: @ Onemela, ask your man to tell you his mind. No one can disown him; it's even hard for a father to disown a child not to talk of an uncle. He's simply lying to you.
If he's not interested in marrying you, don't force him because he won't. Maybe he is only interested in friendship.

GBAM

People go against their father's wish to marry an outsider how much more their uncle. The guy is simply feeding this lovely Canadian lady with adulterated kunu.

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by liyah27(f): 1:48am On Apr 27, 2012
What is the outcome of this? As I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We had decided to move together and so he told his family and now his mother is making it very clear she does not and will not accept us. I am Mexican/Puerto Rican American and he is Nigerian. We both live in the U.S. This has been so difficult for us both and we are so heartbroken. Our options seem now to break up or go against his family. Neither seem like options. Did you find a way to gain acceptance into the family?
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by nativedoctor: 7:40pm On May 05, 2012
Onitsha people are highly cultural people and it may be a bit of an uphill task for you Melissa especially with the atrocities happening in the western world recently.u r from a very liberal society unlike him.
However the consolation here however is that you are both catholic and onitsha has a strong catholic presence even recognised in the vatican.I think you should enlist the help of your parish priests both in canada and onitsha.
They might be able to help.
Good luck.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by beblessed(f): 2:18pm On May 10, 2012
Pls my dear, i dnt thing ur guy is interested again. Dnt b deceived. Nobody will disown a relative in igboland because of marrying a foreigner. He is nt being truthful

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by abouzaid: 3:02pm On May 10, 2012
Onitsha ppl are highly attached to their culture and most onitsha ppl that married abroad never returned home. Also most ppl that married foreigners experienced bitter divorces. Honestly his ppl have a valid point and the only way u can win this is by having a chat with him to know if he is really still interested and if he is, then enlist the help of ur parish priest preferable an igbo priest in canada. Believe it or not. They won't disown and disinherite him but they would treat him with disdain for the rest of his life and they have a point. When u divorce him tomorrow and take his kids, house and everything he had worked for, u wont be sounding so nice again. We are worlds apart so think well before u force him into his greatest mistake of his life. I have many relatives ruined by foreign wives like u and in all honesty, i don't trust u even a bit. Lest i forget, in igbo land when u marry, u remain married. Divorce is not an option.igbos have an almost zero divorce rate and they are proud of it

3 Likes

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 10:04pm On May 11, 2012
abouzaid: Onitsha ppl are highly attached to their culture and most onitsha ppl that married abroad never returned home. Also most ppl that married foreigners experienced bitter divorces. Honestly his ppl have a valid point and the only way u can win this is by having a chat with him to know if he is really still interested and if he is, then enlist the help of ur parish priest preferable an igbo priest in canada. Believe it or not. They won't disown and disinherite him but they would treat him with disdain for the rest of his life and they have a point. When u divorce him tomorrow and take his kids, house and everything he had worked for, u wont be sounding so nice again. We are worlds apart so think well before u force him into his greatest mistake of his life. I have many relatives ruined by foreign wives like u and in all honesty, i don't trust u even a bit. Lest i forget, in igbo land when u marry, u remain married. Divorce is not an option.igbos have an almost zero divorce rate and they are proud of it


Brother thats an excellent post. The Gods guide you. you are true Igbo. you do right to protect you people and the future of your tribe. All you said there is true. I respect you. smiley
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by ifyalways(f): 1:25am On May 12, 2012
^All he said aint true.
First off,I know quite a handful of Onicha indigenes that married foreign ladies.
I also know lots of divorcees in Onicha,indigenes too.
Lastly and not mentioning names,I also know lots of Onicha indigenes that married and returned home with their foreign wives/husbands and kids.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 7:29am On May 12, 2012
^^^^^^^^^^^^


yes but mixed marriages usually fail in the long term or it has bad impact on the kids. either ways, their lives are screwed some day or the other. not just Igbo, any tribe in NIgeria or the world in general. It is how it is. no wonder the west has such high divorce rates. they dont have community feelings.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by ifyalways(f): 10:01am On May 13, 2012
I agree with all you've said Pagan9ja.I only had a problem with Abouzaid cos he could have put his points across nicely without spicing it up with dishonest theories.
To be very honest,Onicha people are one of most liberal Igbos when it comes to inter-tribal/racial marriages.The most they look out for is "educational level/professional status" (they are so into lawyers,doctors,accountants and blue collar jobs generally) and once that ticks,you are almost good to go.OP's man possibly cooked up this excuse to get away from her becausemarriage was definitely not in his plans for her.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by emofine2(f): 12:02pm On May 13, 2012
PAGAN 9JA:
yes but mixed marriages usually fail in the long term or it has bad impact on the kids. either ways, their lives are screwed some day or the other.

Quite interesting. I might be deviating somewhat but I'm curious...do you believe that no one has at the very least any indirect "mixture"? Also what if a child that is from parents of the same heritage is brought up in a foreign environment will they not be affected by their environment? ...What I mean is...do you think "mixture" is solely achieved via nature?
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 1:56pm On May 13, 2012
emöfine2:

Quite interesting. I might be deviating somewhat but I'm curious...do you believe that no one has at the very least any indirect "mixture"? Also what if a child that is from parents of the same heritage is brought up in a foreign environment will they not be affected by their environment? ...What I mean is...do you think "mixture" is solely achieved via nature?

i believe some tribe people have a bit mixture (e.g. 1/16th % or 1/50th, etc.), but it gets diluted over the generations until it becomes insignificant. As for children from same heritage brought up in a foreign environment, NO they are not liable to mixture. Certainly, they do get influenced by their surroundings, but their inner soul will be that of their heritage. i have noticed this trait many a times. Such people, unknowingly, will still behave like their peoples, even though their ideas might be influenced by external factors. Its the same with other creatures. E.g., i knew this person who used to keep a captive-born Cheetah at home, in the Gulf region. the cub had never seen a hunt or taken part in one. Also, it was fed ready made food since birth. However, as the cub grew up, the person started expressing concerns of its growing wild behaviour. One day, it attacked him suddenly, though not intending to cause serious harm. Immediately, the fellow gave away the Cheetah to the zoo.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Zilja(f): 8:16pm On May 13, 2012
Melissa, my heart goes out to you! I hope your search for answers become clear for the Almighty God and not this type of form.

Sounds like you and your guy need to sit down and have a long deep conversation. Either he’s not being really honest to you about what’s back home waiting.

What is he to gain by marrying you and or putting his family and you at odds?
Why would he go abroad, seek to married outside his culture and wish to let the family know if he know what the repercussions will be. That’s crazy.

There are so many Nigerian men who are living abroad and look to other women outside their culture and have a happy marriages.

I know an Igbo guy who has had two failed marriges to American white women.

Good Luck!
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Ace(m): 12:06pm On May 14, 2012
Be strong Melissa, you must be going through hell and I feel very sorry for your predicament. My honest opinion is, however, that the man you are engaged to is not being honest or completely straightforward with you. I know of countless inter-racial relationships comprising of an Igbo man with a European/North American/Asian woman. Too many to mention. On a personal level, my father is Igbo and my mother is European and my mother has nevery been treated poorly or disrespectfully by the family. While it is true that Igbo parents prefer their offspring to marry within the tribe and sometimes even within the state (for example Imo marrying Imo), it is extremely rare that a family will go through such lenghts as you describe to prevent an inter racial marriage. Also it is extremely uncharacteristic of an Igbo family to prevent the brother of your fiance from travelling abroad the way you described. If anything the Igbo welcome any attempt to migrate in order to better our lot in life through education or business.

Of course anything is possible so maybe the family is against it the way your fiance described. But ask yourself this: is it possible that your fiance is using this as an excuse to back out of the relationship and doesn't want to tell you outright that he can't marry you?

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 1:40pm On May 14, 2012
Ace: Be strong Melissa, you must be going through hell and I feel very sorry for your predicament. My honest opinion is, however, that the man you are engaged to is not being honest or completely straightforward with you. I know of countless inter-racial relationships comprising of an Igbo man with a European/North American/Asian woman. Too many to mention. On a personal level, my father is Igbo and my mother is European and my mother has nevery been treated poorly or disrespectfully by the family. While it is true that Igbo parents prefer their offspring to marry within the tribe and sometimes even within the state (for example Imo marrying Imo), it is extremely rare that a family will go through such lenghts as you describe to prevent an inter racial marriage. Also it is extremely uncharacteristic of an Igbo family to prevent the brother of your fiance from travelling abroad the way you described. If anything the Igbo welcome any attempt to migrate in order to better our lot in life through education or business.

Of course anything is possible so maybe the family is against it the way your fiance described. But ask yourself this: is it possible that your fiance is using this as an excuse to back out of the relationship and doesn't want to tell you outright that he can't marry you?


oh so you are a half-breed. hmm, i see your dad couldnt control his se.xual desires and temptations after seeing a white woman. your father must be a weak man. undecided

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Zilja(f): 8:22pm On May 14, 2012
PAGAN 9JA:



oh so you are a half-breed. hmm, i see your dad couldnt control his se.xual desires and temptations after seeing a white woman. your father must be a weak man. undecided

O M G!!! that must be the lowest thing to say to anyone especially one of your own. The culture that speaks Bold and Proud of its heritage.

Temptation is all around and when you grown up, you will come to face more just from that statement.

I'm sorry ACE....I couldn't keep my mouth close.

1 Like

Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by PAGAN9JA(m): 10:12pm On May 14, 2012
Zilja:

O M G!!! that must be the lowest thing to say to anyone especially one of your own. The culture that speaks Bold and Proud of its heritage.

Temptation is all around and when you grown up, you will come to face more just from that statement.

I'm sorry ACE....I couldn't keep my mouth close.


im not Igbo. and i always speak the truth, so nothing wrong. tongue
i dont care what others feel.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by tpia5: 10:40pm On May 14, 2012
Too many to mention

i guess anything less than 100% is unacceptable or why else is nl inundated with these threads.

oh well.
Re: I'm Canadian, He's Igbo And His Family May Disown Him. Help! by Zilja(f): 11:54pm On May 14, 2012
PAGAN 9JA:



im not Igbo. and i always speak the truth, so nothing wrong. tongue
i dont care what others feel.

I'm not Igbo either but I have consideration towards other people feelings and their problems. What you are speaking is not truth, its call OPINION and everybody is entitled, and it's your prerogative.

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