House please advise me.
I and my fiance are planning our marriage this year and the location of the wedding is yet to be an acceptance.
I reside in Lagos state while he resides in the eastern part of the country.
Although, I'm Delta Ibo while he is from Ebonyi State. But the main thing is, he is seriously insisting that our church wedding will be done in his church where he resides.
However, he never argued about where the traditional marriage will hold but has so much insistence on where the white would.
Infact, no one is buying this idea; because they are already kicking against the whole arrangement. Saying, it is the bride's family who dictates where the wedding will hold because the bridegroom is coming to take their daughter away and it has to stand.
Right now, I and my fiance are at not talking freely because he doesnt even want to disscuss it anymore.
I am so worried about this present situation and dont know what to do.
Please I need ur help and candid advise.
Thanks.

Why not just get married at a place that is equal distances between both places. That way two people win.

This is what happens when girls feel like they must marry by force. When did the groom start dictating where and when the marriage ceremony will be? Are you the one going to ask his hand in marriage from his family? Why can't he do the right thing and come to YOUR place to seek your hand? That's the way I understand things are done. I just don't understand why there is even debate about this. Is this a cultural thing? Can the experts in Ibo culture step-in and let us know how things are done in Ibo culture?

I think that you guys went magnifying the whole issue until it came to a loggerhead. Stop dragging it with him girl, he doesn't seem to understand why your people are saying that it should be in your side because he is marrying you off so try and explain to him.

I don't think that the venue should be a bone of contention, there shouldn't be rules and laws about where couples must wed because many people fly out of their country to wed, some wed in the city where they live, some wed in their wife's church while others wed in their own church. There are still others that fly to islands and seasides or any destination that holds special appeal in their lives so quit dragging with him. Make your family chill about it too.
Infact I think that you guys should just choose a neutral place that is neither in his area nor yours either, maybe a nice resort or sweet place with beautiful sceneries and get happily married. Do you have to start dragging and warring and taking sides when the marriage hasn't even started? Hey, there ain't no rules to it girlfriend, just have fun-----it's your wedding.

Ivynwa: I think that you guys went magnifying the whole issue until it came to a loggerhead. Stop dragging it with him girl, he doesn't seem to understand why your people are saying that it should be in your side because he is marrying you off so try and explain to him.

I don't think that the venue should be a bone of contention, there shouldn't be rules and laws about where couples must wed because many people fly out of their country to wed, some wed in the city where they live, some wed in their wife's church while others wed in their own church. There are still others that fly to islands and seasides or any destination that holds special appeal in their lives so quit dragging with him. Make your family chill about it too.
Infact I think that you guys should just choose a neutral place that is neither in his area nor yours either, maybe a nice resort or sweet place with beautiful sceneries and get happily married. Do you have to start dragging and warring and taking sides when the marriage hasn't even started? Hey, there ain't no rules to it girlfriend, just have fun-----it's your wedding.

This is naija we're talking about here. Even abroad, the groom's family always has enough respect to defer to the bride and her family. So you're suggesting the couple wed at a neutral place where they have neither family nor friends? In Nigeria? Haba! At least consider the context a little bit before giving advice.

Aije congratulations that you have found a man that has come with noble intentions.
Do not take it for granted, I know many fine, educated and wealthy girls who are desperately praying for a husband.
My strong advice to you is not to start your marriage in controversy, because it is going to have an impact on the man even in the marriage. You are leaving the authority of your parents to that of the husband. You have to make it clear on the start to everyone, even your family so that the respect the marriage bond and don`t come meddling later. Also the mans family will realise that you are worthy of their son and are going to make him a happy man.
Nigerian tradition demands that the man goes to the bride. Your husband to be is willing to do this. This is the most important marriage act bonding both families and involves him paying a series of official visits to your family with his family and friends. In this marriage your family will dictate to him their conditions- bride price etc and then the man formally takes you home as his legal wife.
At this stage before the church wedding you are already his wife and subject to his decisions, where it is to be hoped that he would also respect your wishes as his wife.
However having the church wedding in his place gives all his friends and co workers the opportunity to attend. It also makes it easier for him to plan and get help in the planning. Since he lives there he could also get allot of assistance there. For instance he might know someone who owns a hall and can give it to him cheaper, or who can bake the cake or do the catering etc.
Besides my dear he is presenting you at this wedding officially to everyone he knows which means that even the hungry girls outside will know the man is now married
It is normal that when a man loves a woman he wants the whole world to see. I mean even his boss at work if he has one can attend with his family without much inconvenience.
this wedding is also going to be a vital avenue for him to increase his esteem amongst colleagues and business partners from which my dear, you benefit.

You need now to go back and ask for forgiveness and assure him that his way is the right way.
Plead with your parents to support you on this one. They know the tradition and are just being egoistic here. It is their duty to let you enter the marriage on the right footing.

For your marriage to be a happy one never use the word loggerhead.
A wise woman knows what to ask of her husband and when to give in.
You also need to know how to get things from your husband.

There are certain things you want from your husband you start working on them weeks earlier. Sometimes you do not even need to argue but just spoil the man by being very loving and cooking his favourite meal. The man will even realise that you want something before you mention it. When the time is ripe you present you plea if need be on your knees.
When he grants you your wish make sure you thank him and that you do not abuse the privilege.
When you go loggerheads you might end up not getting your way and spoil so much more.
You might get your way and spoil so much more. You also bear the consequences of whatever results and the blame alone.
Imagine you insist that the wedding takes place in your place and something goes terribly wrong? The man will blame you.

You need this to be the happiest day of your life , remember you are going to take a vow to love and honour. How true is this vow if you are already taking it in an atmosphere of confrontation and rebellion.

@ Ivynwa, ofcourse there must be conversations and plans which will help organise us to achieving a good result. It was during one of these conversations that he mentioned that traditional can be done anywhere and white in his own church. Maybe I wouldn't have mentioned location as a topic of our discussion until he comes to see my people for discussions. Does it mean that one needs to keep some discussions apart during marriage plans?? This is totally confusing because I am a very detailed person who likes discussing my imaginations just the way they appear. Please let me know if I discussed wrongly.
@Moremi2008, my sister, I wont say mine is a case of marrying by force but trying to avoid arguements. Truly, we have come a long way and he is a very nice person who can be flexible for peace to reign.
The thing is, I am a Lagosian who is groomed with the understanding that the bridegroom needs come to the bride's house, ask her hand and weds in her church. But he claims that in Igboland, the bride owns the traditional marriage, while the bridegroom owns the white wedding and that means having the marriage in his church. This is where my confusion lies..''In Igboland''.
Although, he made mention of all his frien
ds who had theirs, brought their brides to their churches.
The truth is, whoever I discuss this case with disagrees with my fiance's nortion. That is why I had to throw it to everyother person to give his/her view.
I am still welcoming more views. I am so grateful for all your contributions.

^^^^ sister? I really need to change my username. What started out as a prank has become a nuisance.

U should have done your homework well before agreeing to an "inter-tribal" marriage.

For Igbos, traditional is done at the wife's place and the white is done wherever the husband and his family want it. Most Igbo men will rather die than follow the wife to her church for white wedding. I know people who broke off the marriage cos of where to do the white wedding esp when its catholic vs anglican.

A family friend agreed to go to the wife's church for the white wedding (she was Yoruba and her family insisted and he really wanted to marry her). His family, including father, mother, brothers etc didn't go to the wedding.

As you can see, its quite sensitive. U guys have to decide if its what you want at this stage. You have to respect his culture and explain to your folks why it has to be at his Church. If you guys can't live with that then you have to evaluate the basis of your relationship. Remember, you are marrying into his family and not vice-versa. When other occasions come up, will u still want to hold on to your cultural way of doing things or follow your husband's culture?

Food for thought.

The reason all the people you are discussing with disagree with his viewpoint is that they are either non-Igbos or they grew up in Lagos.

You need to ask an Igbo person that is in tune with his culture and you will see the shock that you could even consider such.

My mum was married in her fathers church (she was born and bred in a very remote village in the east), my sisters and I all married in my fathers church, my brothers married in their wife's parents church. I dont get this una so called Igbo tradition that is saying a white wedding has to happen in a man's place as I know know so many igbos who completely disagree with that tradition because five generations before them did not do it that way. Who is marrying who? I have seen many Igbo ladies who got married in their fathers church and changed church after that. Yea, I'm igbo

@Topic
Poster, una never ready to marry. If you all don't come to an agreement, there would be no wedding.

Lmao @ moremi my sister

jennykadry: Lmao @ moremi my sister

@ Moremi , abeg no vex. That name sounds feminine. I think you should change it too.
But Jennykadry, is your husband an Igbo man too? I mean a core-Igbo?

@OP: You're creating a problem when there is virtually NONE. He has by tradition already conceded the Trad marriage to your place. Let me state it Clearly to You, the white wedding in Igboland is the PEROGATIVE of the groom's family. It is because most Igbo couples get married in Lagos thats why you're confused, in actual fact If they had decided to take the church wedding to their villages, they would have done no wrong.
Read carefully the post of Blank, that is an Igbo woman that understands the culture of her people. Also, read up Mutter's submissions.

Don't allow people that DON'T UNDERSTAND the issue, create problems for You.

aije: @ Moremi , abeg no vex. That name sounds feminine. I think you should change it too.
But Jennykadry, is your husband an Igbo man too? I mean a core-Igbo?

Yes he is and so are my parents who got married in the village. Like I said, that tradition of a thing? I don't know where it came from cos I have attended weddings in the eastern part of Nigeria done in the woman's church. Who dey marry who? Na me abi na him dey marry me? Marry me and take me out of my family church. Simple. Which kain yeye tradition. Some of Our fore fathers that did it differently were they not product of the soil? People do things for their own reasons and tag it tradition. Akuko ifo

Make I hiaaa word

That being said, you both have to sort this out and figure out where you's want it done. One of yous have to sacrifice here, the questions is WHO?

I am a bit relieved that his request is a cultural thing. In that case, then the OP should just do the wedding at the husband's church. His request is not a selfish one and it's not good to start annoying your future in-laws even before marrying. Good luck to you!

@ JK, I am surprised. Didn't know there were Igbos that did it the other way round. I am honestly hearing this for the first time. Next time, I will qualify my statement and say its most of the Igbos I know.

@ Op, she has given you good advice. Someone has to sacrifice for the other. If your fiance is like the Igbo guys I know, Church could be a deal-breaker.

When did "white/church" weddings become part of an Igboculture
@OP,if you and your husband cannot sort out a simple wedding venue site without problems arising i think you guys need to review the marriage plans.
Why must your(u and him)parents pick the venue or even "chouk" mouth inside the mata?Please go meet ur hubby,u both sit down and decide on a venue that would suit the 2 of you factoring in hall rent,proximity to both parents,friends and relatives.
Na wao for todays marriages.

ifyalways: When did "white/church" weddings become part of an Igboculture .

Chukwu gozie gi

blank: @ JK, I am surprised. Didn't know there were Igbos that did it the other way round. I am honestly hearing this for the first time. Next time, I will qualify my statement and say its most of the Igbos I know.

@ Op, she has given you good advice. Someone has to sacrifice for the other. If your fiance is like the Igbo guys I know, Church could be a deal-breaker.

I heard the same thing when I was getting married. I went to my papa and asked him all about it. He was like the only thing he could consider culturally valuable was the traditional marriage but white wedding was a white mans idea and no way would he link it to any culture. Growing up he asked how this tradition came into existence but no one offered a solid reason. His children could marry anywhere as long as the couple agree to it he has no qualms but that it was only logical for it to happen in his church as my husband is the one marrying me and takin me away.

Pardon my errors. I am mobile

mutter: Aije congratulations that you have found a man that has come with noble intentions.
Do not take it for granted, I know many fine, educated and wealthy girls who are desperately praying for a husband.
My strong advice to you is not to start your marriage in controversy, because it is going to have an impact on the man even in the marriage. You are leaving the authority of your parents to that of the husband. You have to make it clear on the start to everyone, even your family so that the respect the marriage bond and don`t come meddling later. Also the mans family will realise that you are worthy of their son and are going to make him a happy man.
Nigerian tradition demands that the man goes to the bride. Your husband to be is willing to do this. This is the most important marriage act bonding both families and involves him paying a series of official visits to your family with his family and friends. In this marriage your family will dictate to him their conditions- bride price etc and then the man formally takes you home as his legal wife.
At this stage before the church wedding you are already his wife and subject to his decisions, where it is to be hoped that he would also respect your wishes as his wife.
However having the church wedding in his place gives all his friends and co workers the opportunity to attend. It also makes it easier for him to plan and get help in the planning. Since he lives there he could also get allot of assistance there. For instance he might know someone who owns a hall and can give it to him cheaper, or who can bake the cake or do the catering etc.
Besides my dear he is presenting you at this wedding officially to everyone he knows which means that even the hungry girls outside will know the man is now married
It is normal that when a man loves a woman he wants the whole world to see. I mean even his boss at work if he has one can attend with his family without much inconvenience.
this wedding is also going to be a vital avenue for him to increase his esteem amongst colleagues and business partners from which my dear, you benefit.

You need now to go back and ask for forgiveness and assure him that his way is the right way.
Plead with your parents to support you on this one. They know the tradition and are just being egoistic here. It is their duty to let you enter the marriage on the right footing.

For your marriage to be a happy one never use the word loggerhead.
A wise woman knows what to ask of her husband and when to give in.
You also need to know how to get things from your husband.

There are certain things you want from your husband you start working on them weeks earlier. Sometimes you do not even need to argue but just spoil the man by being very loving and cooking his favourite meal. The man will even realise that you want something before you mention it. When the time is ripe you present you plea if need be on your knees.
When he grants you your wish make sure you thank him and that you do not abuse the privilege.
When you go loggerheads you might end up not getting your way and spoil so much more.
You might get your way and spoil so much more. You also bear the consequences of whatever results and the blame alone.
Imagine you insist that the wedding takes place in your place and something goes terribly wrong? The man will blame you.

You need this to be the happiest day of your life , remember you are going to take a vow to love and honour. How true is this vow if you are already taking it in an atmosphere of confrontation and rebellion.

U've said it all.. Well articulated.

@poster- i am igbo & we all know that the most important ceremony is the traditional marriage. Your fiance has accorded you & your family the ceremony that belongs to you which is the traditional marriage. The church wedding ceremony is the exclusive preserve of the groom & his family. After the traditional marriage you have become part & parcel of your husbands family & so they dictate where the church ceremony takes place. Where the church ceremony takes place in the brides church is where the grooms family wants the couple to have a free hand in handling the ceremony especially when both families live in lagos but if the groom is based in the east you have to respect his familys wish & save yourself unnecessary wahala from them in the future. All the best.

moremi2008: ^^^^ sister? I really need to change my username. What started out as a prank has become a nuisance.

Moremi ajansoro

You all are really helping out. Thanks alot.

The important thing is that he performs the traditional vows, do the court wedding, the church is not that important. Dnt start ur marital life wit negative issues. U ar d center of attraction ask y all sides for theeir reasons but d man might feel ur folks want to control him. My fiend married an ibo girl, traditional wedding was done in her village every other thing was done in lagos. If he is no more doiong will ur family marry you?

I have heard my Ibo male friends saying they determine the venue of the church wedding except in some situations where they want to honor the wife perhaps because she has always had a childhood fantasy of where she wants the church wedding should hold. Therefore, if you don't have any special reason why you want the wedding in your church, you can just let go and let him have his way. Remember the need for compromise.

moremi2008: ^^^^ sister? I really need to change my username. What started out as a prank has become a nuisance.

I can feel you bro, she got me all lolllling here.
Erm my sister, what was I saying . . . . .

@OP
I asked 3 Igbo men about this.
3 of them told me that the white wedding MUST always be done in the man's church.

As a matter of fact, one of them had a problem like yours and threatened to cancel the marriage.
The brides family had to shift ground and travel down to the man's church.

From where i come from everything is done in the woman's place.

It just shows how diverse our cultures can be.

To be honest this shouldn't be an issue for people in love.
People see marriage these days as doing the other party a favour. No wonder we have dysfunctional homes.

my personal advice, forget ur fiancee. . . my advice myt sound harsh but any guy that wants to get things done his own way by all means. . . even venue for marriage. . . .

Where is he from? It's only one village in the North I know that the bride goes to the grooms place to get married