queensmith: Women take note- you can also be at fault for marrying a pastor.

My advice- do not marry any man without doing a thorough background check on him. Send your sisters to seduce him, go and interview every one of his family members one by one. And submit him for a lie detector test.

Make a public announcement that you are about to marry soo and soo ooo, that any woman with vital information on why the marriage should not take place should come forward for a million dollar reward.

Last but not least gather a list of all his ex girlfriends and befriend them, stylishly find out what kind of man he is.

You have all been warned.

wildorchid:


Will personally do all of these?

Gospella: @Our Naija!There was no hint about his previous marriage. Moreover he lives in UK while the victim lived in the eastern part of Nigeria. Background check was done but maybe not properly and there was no much time for courtship since he did not stay in Nigeria. You do not need to believe the story for it to be true.

2mch: As it is, your marriage is illegal. I will advise you to hold off on kids and then have him do the right thing by divorcing the woman in Naija. After which you would both go to court and be properly and legally married in the presence of those other pastors and the law. If he is unwilling to do this, then I will advise you to walk. He can get arrested for bigamy any day. I believe you didn't do your due diligence and were most likely desperate to marry and travel. There is no how a pastor can keep this kind of thing secret, when he is a leader in a church. Church folks talk too much for that fact to have escaped you. You are the owner of your predicament.

boomssey: What's hapening to this lady now can happen to any1 at anytime.there's no such thing as perfect when it comes to humans.she has put down this story jst cos she needs help not some sort of interogative lessons.

Gospella: @Our Naija!There was no hint about his previous marriage. Moreover he lives in UK while the victim lived in the eastern part of Nigeria. Background check was done but maybe not properly and there was no much time for courtship since he did not stay in Nigeria. You do not need to believe the story for it to be true.

Kobojunkie:

Assuming this is all true . . .

a) make sure he is still not married. Since you did not know he was married before, at least make sure now that he is at least officially divorce, and it is not the case that he bailed on the first marriage. If he did, chances are you are not only an ADULTERY by Bible standards, but the likely next victim.

Kobojunkie:
b) Make sure your parents know of this. The worst you can do is try to keep this to yourself. Accept your fault in this and make sure that those around you are aware of the situation. Should he try anything miserable next, the last you want is to end up an UNSOLVED MURDER case.

Kobojunkie:
c) Look into ensuring your finances and you life is not wrapped up in this individual. Yes it is all great to claim/pretend he is a changed man. But consider your changed man, under God, withheld the truth from you, and probably from the mother of his four kids, when he married you(she probably does not know of you either). You do not know his credit history in the UK(I am guessing) and chances are his past marriage is not the worst of his past you are not aware of.

Kobojunkie:
d) Stop being ignorant. Not everyone who claims to be of God is Godly. Investigate him(not do a shoddy job now) to make sure that i) he is not now even involved in some other marriage apart from the first you now know of and ii) he is not playing around with other potential future wives.

bukatyne: dear deols, everything's wrong wit this story if it's true from d christian standpt. as a poster said, she's not married n men re NOT naturally polygamous, they choose to be irresponsible! d woman's not married b'cos d man was married to another woman. now, d woman should look for d legal wife n apologize then bring them back together n walk out n pray to God for her own husband

Lord_Reed: @lastpage
I cannot believe you are justifying the actions of this man! He was not LEGALLY divorced from his first wife and here you are saying that she did not ask so he didn't tell. Is it not written in your own bible that "officers" of the Church should be husbands of one wife? So where do you get off justifying this man's action?

This lady is in effect a second wife and UK law states that "Bigamy is a crime under section 57 of the Offences Against the Person Act 1861. If someone is caught entering into another marriage whilst still being legally married and is convicted on indictment, they are liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding seven years."

Please I advice the OP to seek legal advice as soon as possible before this matter affects her negatively.

Gospella:

He claimed to have two kids with the woman but that[b] his nine year old marriage[/b] with her ended because she left him. However, he is telling me that he doesn't want her again. That he is done with[b] their marriage[/b].

deols:

oh, thanks sweet. I answered from my own perspective, not giving her religion any consideration. I understand her frustration then and of the other people who'v made contributions.

I only think though that polygamy seems a very realistic ish[b] considering how many Christians haven been found practicing it[/b]. Last week, I heard of a pastor whose wives knew each other only after his death. The younger has three children and he kept them both within Nigeria.

Lord_Reed: @lastpage


Oh so you didn't see the above abi? You are the one mixing legality with morality. He has a legal obligation to dissolve the union if he felt abandoned. The law is clear on this, morality on the other hand may excuse him but the law does not.

The grounds for divorce in bible are clear and abandonment is not one of them. Yes it says do not neglect but is there a follow up caveat to say divorce is allowed because of that NO!

The simple fact is devoid of my personal sentiments, the OP should seek legal advise.

lastpage:
Just point to the place where "legally married" occurred in that your quote above and l will concur, please.
FYI: There is no legal obligation to dissolve a marriage that was not contracted legally!
It just does not exist in law.

lastpage!

lastpage: ^^^^^^Okay, if you think every "l marry her" is legally enforceable at law, then l cant argue with your position any further.
In law, you dont deal on assumptions, but on stated facts. The @Op may shed more light on that aspect anyway.
Just my own ten cent.

Lastpage!

Lord_Reed:

Great so you concur that the OP should seek legal advise?

Lord_Reed: @lastpage
While your advise is not shabby I think she should focus on protecting her self 1st before challenging the other woman.

OP ball is in your court.

deols:

oh, thanks sweet. I answered from my own perspective, not giving her religion any consideration. I understand her frustration then and of the other people who'v made contributions.

I only think though that polygamy seems a very realistic ish considering how many christians haven been found practicing it. Last week, I heard of a pastor whose wives knew each other only after his death. The younger has three children and he kept them both within Nigeria.

lastpage:
Na today? It is called HYPOCRISY: Do as l say, but dont do as l do!
Even Christ made allusions to such behavior when he said "I have not come to increase your burden and place heavy weight on your shoulders, as your religious leaders do, knowing they themselves cannot and would not carry such weight on their own shoulders"!

That is the greatest fraud in Christianity!
It is similar to the "Catholic Celibacy'.......which the upper hierarchy preaches and forces down the throat of the fledgling ones while yanking the back-hole of young alter boyz! .......and practicing lesbianism on themselves!

I still wonder if l will ever speak with David, Jacob or even Abraham, not to talk of blessing Solomon, if l am God and l really detest Polygamy as we the present day Christians "preach" in church......of course, just in the church naaah![b][/b]

We cheat on our spouses at random, we marry and re-marry, we fornicate before marriage, we carry Aristo while n the University and do all sorts of debauchery yet we 'assume' some pious position in "PUBLIC", just for others to admire and stand in awe! See the fraud level?

Lastpage!
PS: Dont take it personal, easy come, easy go!

lastpage: Now to the story proper:
First, l wont blame the lady that much.
You can only know as much as the other party (your spouse) wants you to know (except you just struck luck and one "ameebo" whispered in your ears! )
But we all know how "abroad" is now? It is "mind your Business" to the core! Especially for a "just-come" like her!
Is it not the same abroad that some sleep with their husband's best friend and he does not have a clue about it while it is the talk of the town?
In most cases, you see "other" people's backside but it is others who will be seeing yours!

Again, if your wife or husband abandons you (as this story portrays), he/she has discharged you from your spousal responsibility..........As the[b] Bible instructs "Husbands/Wives not to neglect or deprive their spouse of their conjugal responsibilities"![/b].....Am l speaking the truth or not?
Simply put, you have violated the marriage oath.

Depending on how long the wife abandoned her home (story shows it is definitely over two years), she probably may have committed adultery with another man somewhere, just like the husband (body no be firewood as some would say) but the point l am making is that in all probability, that marriage died a long time ago!
So, why do women in particular, always comeback to fight over a "dead marriage" they have no intention of resuscitating at all?
Is it Wickedness or Vengeance or both?

Why did she not show-up in the last two years that he married this other woman? Which man has been "loving her" all the while?
Is a married man supposed to be without sex for over two years? Is that not one of the pillars of marriage, that each may enjoy the pleasure of one another? Does she want to turn the man into another pedophile, if he cant find himself another woman? Would she even have thought about 'showing face' if this man is ruined and turned onto one alcoholic living off the streets (I have seen men whose life got turned upside down like that, when their marriage crashed and their kids where taken away from them, so no arguments there!)

These are the issues we must look at, critically before passing "judgement" on the Pastor... (and l don like them one bit, if you want to know )...because the same 'high yardstick' we use in judging him will be used in judging us as well, in all areas of our life.

But then, This Pastor made one BIG ERROR: He should have gone the whole hog and divorced this woman, before taking on another wife!
Any sensible man should know by now that most women (your former wife) will do anything and everything to destroy you, if you ever have reason (genuine or counterfeit) to leave her for another woman, even if she is the one that left you! they expect you do die of misery and loneliness but if you choose to find happiness again, that makes them go crazy and become patently evil. That is just the bare truth.

That is why they say "hell has no fury like a woman scorned". It does not matter what you've done for her in the past, whether there are children involved or she is the one that wronged you. Women generally speaking (except for a very rare few) are very Vengeful and unforgiving!

Having said all the above,my suggestion for the @Op is this:

1,) take a deep breath, all hope is not lost. Love is wherever, with whoever you find it. Dont listen to all those "dooms-day sayers", they just want to destroy your happiness. They are all sadist, believe me!

2.) Tell your 'secretive' Pastor husband to "come clean completely" with you. You are his best friend for now, the most trusted person in his life. If you truly love him dearly and he has been half as good to you as you wrote above in your post, THIS IS THE TIME TO SHOW HIM WHAT TRUE LOVE MEANS. Stand by your man....and you will come to thank me in future. Nothing brings out the best in a man than this sort of trials. He will remember you forever. Dont join those who want to hit him on the head, when he is already down!

3.) Lay low and tell him to file for a divorce right away, just to be on the safe side. Depending on where they got married, (if it is in Nigeria, all the better) he should go there to seek his divorce, quick-quick. Once he gets that marriage legally dissolved, the noise would eventually die down with time. BTW: Was she coming out of the wood-works now, to be with him as his wife or what exactly (if not just trouble) does she want?

4.) Dont let that his winch former-wife lay her hands on your marriage Cert o, she will use it to destroy your man asap! In fact, burn it, it is of no legal importance and can cause your man serious heartache, if you get my drift? (Though we are just assuming they had a legal marriage but if that is not the case, you're home and dry with your own Certificate (one of the reasons guys are beginning to get wary of these women who insist on "legal marriage" 'cos "if and when shyte hits the fan, the same woman who was begging you for a legal marriage would use it as a weapon against you!......and it can be very nasty, especially "abroad"!)

5.) Have nothing to do with the other woman, no arguments, no shouting match, in fact, you have nothing to say to her! Its between your man and her former husband (I used "former' 'cos as far as l am concerned, any man/woman that neglects his/her spouse and bails-out of the marriage for over one year, has "dissolved that marriage" De Facto! )

6.) Be strong, you will face a lot of temptation in the coming weeks and months, evil men and women would try to "burden you with the yoke they themselves would not carry in form of destructive advices (remember what Jesus said about the Pharisees and Sadducees?). Just bone-face and leave the "leg-work" for your husband to do.

7.)Finally, impress it on him that he MUST contribute to the upkeep of his children from that former union. In as much as he cannot guarantee what the woman will do with the money, for his own conscience's sake, he MUST pay money by account transfer (never direct cash hand-over! or pay it to the courts if she refuse to provide her account details), for the upkeep of the children. He should also try, as much as the woman will allow and l know what women will do in this scenario, try to play his fatherly role in the children's life! They played no part in all the shyte that is happening and the effect on them has to be minimized as much as possible.

I wish you strength, wisdom and courage.

Lastpage!