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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Culture / How Culture affects Marriage Among Educated (westernized) Nigerians (12244 Views)
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How Culture affects Marriage Among Educated (westernized) Nigerians by Seun(m): 6:22am On Apr 24, 2005 |
[I]William Femi Awodele[/I] "When an African man or woman is born and raised in Nigeria, Ghana, etc such a person is greatly influenced by the culture and religion and may not be aware of it. 1. Issue of Dowry and the role of the man and woman The payment of dowry is a common practice in Africa, while dowry payments date back to Bible days, its meaning has changed. Dowry is now seen as purchasing the woman, so the woman is seen as a property and not a helpmate. For many years when women were uneducated, men got away with treating them as a property. But with women lawyers, doctors, and other highly placed professionals, things are changing. Based on the issue of dowry, women are treated different. We joke that a woman's place is in the kitchen. African men force respect out of their spouse by beating them instead of getting it through good leadership. The leadership role of a man is generally interpreted as that of a boss and servant, instead of the role stated in the Bible, as servant leader which Christ himself demonstrated in John chapter 13 when He washed the feet of His disciple. While speaking to over 100 pastors and wives in Port-au-Prince, Haiti last week (4/8 - 4/16/05) you could have heard the pin drop when I said men and women are equal before God and men are only the leader among equal. Earning more than your husband is a new concept that many people don't know how to deal with because for decades African men (and indeed men all over the world) have tied leading the home to financial dominance or more earning capacity. 2. Conflict Resolution Africans have always resolved conflicts by going to the Elders in the village or among the extended family, while this has served us well and I still recommend it, it's becoming a problem for us to do because this elders for the most part don't deal with the issues brought up e.g. adultery (because they are committing adultery themselves), they only pacify the wife and husband. Because of our Spiritual believes we do not believe in airing our dirty laundry, which means help is not sought for marital problems until it is too late and when help is sought, a lot of emphasis is placed on what the "devil" did instead of taking responsibility for what happened and fixing it. Every marriage will have problem(s) the and faster you seek help the better for your marriage. 3. Romance My maternal grandpa had 10 wives that I know and this is typical of men in his days (read my novel "The Power of Forgiveness" - by Femi Awodele xulonpress.com). If they show favoritism to one of the women, that woman is in trouble with the other wives. A man who is able to have sex with 10 different women do not need romance (men give romance to get sex, while women give sex to get romance - Tommy Nelson). As Africans we did not see our parents show romance to their spouse(s) and if anyone does that we call them names "woman wrapper" or "Ruth". What gets on my nerves is when African men tell me that being Romantic is a western culture, then I refer them to the Bible which was written thousands of years ago and it has nothing to do with western culture. Being romantic with your wife or husband is the way to maintain your marriage. Women were created by God to be an emotional creation, while men are logical or analytical. For centuries, the African culture has forced the woman to work opposite the function of their God given hormone "estrogen" (If an African woman asks her husband for sex - which will happen during her ovulation period - she is called "Ashawo" 4. Influence of Extended Family Extended family has tremendous influence on an African Marriage. A couple once told me that the husband's mother told both of them separately not to reveal what they earn to each other. In my speaking engagements, people have told me how the husband or wives listen to the family in Nigeria or Togo and not to the spouse they live with here in the United States or in London. One man actually told his wife that until he finish building a house in Nigeria they will continue to live in apartment with 3 kids, when I ask him when he was moving back to Nigeria, he said not for a long time, but he believed building a house for his parents while his kids live in a bad neighborhood and go to a bad school district is the best thing. Many women soon challenge the reasoning behind such thinking by refusing to combine their income (which is needed to face the bills in western countries - you cannot bribe NEPA men to go away if you don't pay your bills). A lot of women also, choose not to combine their income with the husband because they think, it is the husband's job to pay bills - they'll rather buy the latest fashion and its accessories from Switzerland or Austria. 5. Extreme of the Women While most of the dominance is men related, the women have also bought into the lies of the national organization of women (NOW). I do lay counseling and would not tell any woman to stay in an abusive relationship. I would suggest you separate (if physical or emotional abuse is involved) while seeking help from professional counselors or your church or mosque (hopefully your pastor or imam will know when to refer you for professional help). Divorce is not the better option. The man is still the head of the home (Ephesians 5: 22 - leader among equal) and he should be accorded such respect. Don't usurp his authority because you earn more or throw him out because he is a Taxi driver. You will get more done by gentle nudging him to do things and occasionally showing tough love when necessary. Author: Mr. Femi Awodele (Newspaper Feature | [url=http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-url/index%3Dstripbooks%3Arelevance-above%26field-keywords%3Dfemi%252520awodele%26search-type%3Dss%26bq%3D1%26store-name%3Dbooks/ref%3Dxs%5Fap%5Fsai4%5Fxgl14/002-9594717-4831206]Books on Amazon.com[/url] | [email=femi@christiancouples.com]e-mail[/email]) [img]http://www.nairaland.com.nyud.net:8090/img/femi-awodele.jpg[/img] William Femi Awodele is the Executive Director of Christian Couples Fellowship International, Inc., a marriage ministry with chapters worldwide based in Omaha, Nebraska, in the United States. [img]http://www.nairaland.com.nyud.net:8090/img/ola-awodele.jpg[/img] He is married to Olatokunbo (a family physician), and they are blessed with two boys, Ibukunoluwa (8 years old) and Fiyinfoluwa (3 years old)." |
Re: How Culture affects Marriage Among Educated (westernized) Nigerians by proverbial: 8:08pm On Jun 28, 2007 |
Don't you mean "How Education affects marriage culture, among westernized Nigerians" |
Re: How Culture affects Marriage Among Educated (westernized) Nigerians by atsuemmanuel: 11:21pm On Sep 23, 2013 |
What do you mean |
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