Baxilexi:

a priest is asked, what is a nursery:

priest: a place where kids play.

then his asked what is adultery??

priest: a place where adults play.

Foolish priest. lol

Baxilexi:

a father tells his child . .

father: junior please go outside and bring me the broom in the garage.

junior: dad i can't, you know i'm afraid of the dark.

father: junior do not be afraid, jesus is out there with you, okay.

junior: okay dad,

junior goes out to the door and says jesus, excuse me jesus, my dad told me your out here, please could you pass me the broom in the garage.

ROFL

Baxilexi:

a father tells his child . .

father: junior please go outside and bring me the broom in the garage.

junior: dad i can't, you know i'm afraid of the dark.

father: junior do not be afraid, jesus is out there with you, okay.

junior: okay dad,

junior goes out to the door and says jesus, excuse me jesus, my dad told me your out here, please could you pass me the broom in the garage.

that is a real nice one, i love it

quite a number of peeps have heard this one but i'll say it anyways.

a boy dies and goes to heaven, he meets angel gabriel and the followin conversation transpired , ,

gabriel: young man welcome to heaven

boy: thank you sir,

then the boy asks what are all this clocks for?? . . . .

gabriel: this clocks move for every time you lied while on earth,

then he shows the boy that of jesus, moses, and himself. . . . . .

gabriel: you see that of jesus had never moved,and moses as well

boy: okay then, where is obasanjo's own,

gabriel: its in jesus office, he uses it as ceiling fan

death visits a guy one day and the following dialogue transpired

knock knock

person: na who be that

death: na mi death

boy: what can i do for you!

death: o boy na your time to dye oo,you be no1 for ma list.

femi: so soon, aah, okay no wahala, come inside make we jollie, wetin you want nkwobi or isi ewu??

death: isi ewu??

while death was eatin, femi gets hold of the list and moves his name from no1 to the last name.

after eatin. . . .

death: o boy you nice oo, as a matter of fact i no go start from no1, i go start from the end of the list

ROFLMAO
i DON DIE O

This is fun, i am loving this

Hehehe

An atheist (huxley) was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church, listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried,
"Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"

keep them coming guys, great job

it was really funny been in here

oh oh , i have not any to share

There was a chinese man named mr wong

one day he gets a call from the hospital

hello mr wong we are proud to tell you ,that you are the father of a bouncing baby boy

mr wong with so much excitment rushed to the hospital.

he asked "where is my baby?" then his shown the child, but the child was BLACK

everywhere was silent for a minute, , , , ,

then the mid-wife says "mr wong arent you going to name your child"

he looks at the child again and calls him "som tin wong" (somethings wrong,)

ring ring its the phone in the sheriffs office. . . . .

neighbour 1: hello sheriff, i would like to report my neighbour to you

sheriff: what is it?

neighbour 1: i suspect he smuggles drugs in and out of the country, i think he keeps em inside the logs behing his house.

sheriff: okay, no problem right on it

the next day the sheriff vists the residence of the neighbour 2

sheriff: good day sir we have reason to believe you're a drug dealer and we would like to search the buildin

sheriff: where are your logs?

neighbour 2: behind the house

okay boys let the choping begin

they choped all the logs but didnt find any drugs

the next day,

ring ring its the neighbours phone

neighbour 1: hey man did the sheriff come by your house yesterday??

neighbour 2: yes whhay

neighbour 1: and did he chop all the wood for you?

neighbour 2: yes

neighbour 1: happy birthday man, i told him you were a drug cartel

@Balexi
they are meant to be religious jokes Duhh!

mind the way u quote from the bible,

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her:

Woman: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

Priest: "Of course. What may I do for you?"

Woman: "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me, Under your robe perhaps?"

Priest: "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

Woman: "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

Custom Officer: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

Priest: "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was strange, so asked,

Custom Officer: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Priest: "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Custom Officer: (Roaring with laughter, said) "Go ahead, Father." Next!

Now, truly, did the priest lie?

An atheist (huxley) was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

KunleOshob, u are Bad!!!

God Created heaven and the earth.  Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement.  He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place.  He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made.  Would there be strip mining?  What about thermal pollution?  God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.  God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would turn the light off half the time.  God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night".  Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed".  The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used.  Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth".  Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days.  Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement.  After that there would be a public hearing.  Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before,,   

At this point God created Hell.

very funny thread

ty4real your joke dry pass sahara desert

A little boy wanted N100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the N100. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD NIGERIA , they decided to send it to President Obasanjo. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a N5 note. President Obasanjo thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the N5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Aso Rock and, as usual, those bastards deducted N95.

Love, Jnr

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God made a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?”
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass in the Africa and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Nigeria the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, natural resources, mineral resources, lakes, and beautiful water falls. The people from Nigeria are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play good football and go to the Olympics." The Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots that run their government."

 

word.

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they've got Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold.

Some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the.! , !, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee, hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"


enuf said.

How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Christ embassy folks does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many deeper lifers does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many tv evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!



_{altered to suit Naija}

Five kids were sitting in front of the confessional awaiting their turns to confess.

1st kid goes in and says:
"Father i threw peanuts in the river."
not feeling this was a sin, the priest let him go unpunished.

2nd kid goes in and says;
"Father i threw peanuts in the river."
again he doesn't get reprimanded.

so goes the 3rd and 4th.

Finally, the 5th boy who was the smallest of them all walks in all wet and crying.

seeing him, the priest says: good heavens, don't tell me you threw peanuts in the river too?

small boy: No Father. I AM PEANUTS!

this is funny.

a priest and a taxi driver both died and got to the pearly gates of heaven at the same time.

St Peter sent the priest to hell while the driver was allowed to enter heaven.

At the priest's protest, St Peter told him:
Look when you preached in church, everyone slept
but when the taxi driver drove everyone prayed.

Imagine the new facilities provided for atheists in a liberal church:

They have all sorts of new services today.

Now they've got a dial-a-prayer service for atheists.

You call a number and nobody answers.



They also have a poster that says:

"Pity the poor atheist who feels grateful but has no one to thank"


The atheists normally find themselves between the devil and the deep blue sea in countries such as the USA and the UK:

They are really on the spot here; they have to sing "Hmmmmmmmmmm bless America." or "Hmmmmmmmmmm save the queen" 



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul", the holy man preached:

There was one evolutionist scientist (Huxley) who heard that and exclaimed by saying:  That's no big deal we have discovered how to create life "scientifically" and by evolutionary means;

The holy man replied: Go ahead, take all the time you need and get on with it ;

"Huxley" moved quickly to gather dust together with the intention of creating man, but the holy man interrupted him by saying: Not so fast, huxley, you have to start by making your own dust.

"Huxley began to stammer: but, but, but, erm, erm; scratching his head, I need some matter to start with.

OLAADEGBU:

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul", the holy man preached:

There was one evolutionist scientist (Huxley) who heard that and exclaimed by saying: That's no big deal we have discovered how to create life "scientifically" and by evolutionary means;

The holy man replied: Go ahead, take all the time you need and get on with it ;

"Huxley" moved quickly to gather dust together with the intention of creating man, but the holy man interrupted him by saying: Not so fast, huxley, you have to start by making your own dust.

"Huxley began to stammer: but, but, but, erm, erm; scratching his head, I need some matter to start with.

That is one lovely piece.