freshdude2:
@5minsmadness, what if this approach doesn't yield the desired result?

Take it to the next level:
Involve an elder/mentor/ counsellor. It could even be a pastor or an imam. These people should be non-judgemental i.e should not apportion blame but rather seek for a solution. Wife should be taught not to provoke husband. Husband should be taught to control his anger.

Taking it to either of their parents/extended family should not be done immediately as this will being bias and emotion into the situation and will pit both families against each other and make it impossible for the couple to reconcile their differences.

bukatyne:


Case 1: It shows the husband has not forgiven the wife or/and always had the streak of violence in him. The man is still a violent person in my books and should be treated as an abusive spouse. I will say separation till the husband changes

Case 2: The husband's punch was a result of accumulated hurt and I can relate with him. I really see no problem in this because the wife will probably stop lashing hubby. They both apologize and the wife learn the lesson that hurting hubby with her mouth has consequences

Case 3: Separation till the husband changes

Case 4: Same as case 3. Saying the husband is a psychopath means it does not matter if the wife is rude or not

Fair enough.

Note, however, that Case 2 scenarios don't always end in logical resolutions. Many verbal abusers cannot watch their words no matter how much they've suffered in the past. Most homes are in a constant reprise of Case 2 situations and that is the problem I think we should address not phantom "abusers".

Thanks for your time.


PS: what did you make for dinner?

5minsmadness:


Take it to the next level:
Involve an elder/mentor/ counsellor. It could even be a pastor or an imam. These people should be non-judgemental i.e should not apportion blame but rather seek for a solution. Wife should be taught not to provoke husband. Husband should be taught to control his anger.

Taking it to either of their parents/extended family should not be done immediately as this will being bias and emotion into the situation and will pit both families against each other and make it impossible for the couple to reconcile their differences.

Thanks boss. Hopefully, someone will learn that violence is a two-way street and nothing is to be gained engaging in it. Satisfaction from it might be instant but like many guilty pleasures, it has long-term side effects.

freshdude2:


Fair enough.

Note, however, that Case 2 scenarios don't always end in logical resolutions. Many verbal abusers cannot watch their words no matter how much they've suffered in the past. Most homes are in a constant reprise of Case 2 situations and that is the problem I think we should address not phantom "abusers".

Thanks for your time.


PS: what did you make for dinner?

It is only Case 2 I am interested in.

If the punch does not work, next time he catches her and cellotape her mouth with a good tape and let's see how she rants. He can loosen it after she has promised NOT to rant again

if that one no do, please drop her at her parents' house and let her learn manners.

The guy has tried for 4yrs abeg.

Potato Vegetable

SCENARIO 2: Its a normal thing.

This husband saw his mother being beaten. He saw his sisters being beaten even as adults. He was raised in a violent environment. He sees nothing wrong in correcting his babe with a slap or two. Such a person would have exhibited violent behaviour already during courtship. He slaps his girl at parties. He shoves her about in the house. He punches her when she doesn't tell him where she went to.

Note: This guy loves his woman. He truly does. He just feel that beating is part of the love because he has seen it as normal all his life. He doesn't hide that he beats his woman and wonders why people want to interfere in his relationship with the woman he loves.

The funny thing is that women still follow guys like this. They know he is a beater/boxer. Yet for reasons best known to them they still go ahead and marry these men. Well, God created somebody for everybody. It may not be far-fetched to say such women even like such treatment as it shows they are with a strong, dependable, no-nonsense man. Many of these women are closet masochists.

Some other ladies marry these men for ulterior motives (wealth, desperation, etc) and then start looking left and right for how they will change such a person. And when the pressures of marriage come in, the frequency of beating will definitely increase. Please note also that such men will beat and punch their wives but will never use a weapon against her i.e the intent of the beating is not to kill/destroy but to correct.


Solution: its like changing a bad habit. A lot of patience is needed here. And it might be surprising to note that the wife may secretly not want him to change(closet masochist) but will pretend to want it because of societal pressure.
The man has to 'unlearn' beating. He has to find a way to communicate the hard way---by using his mouth and not his fists. It will be very difficult but a man like this who truly wants to change can do so.

bukatyne:


It is only Case 2 I am interested in.

If the punch does not work, next time he catches her and cellotape her mouth with a good tape and let's see how she rants. He can loosen it after she has promised NOT to rant again

if that one no do, please drop her at her parents' house and let her learn manners.

The guy has tried for 4yrs abeg.

Potato Vegetable

Still fair. The problem, though, is that Case 2 is the most common form in our society today. Have you heard of "pami n ku" women? Apparently, they don't mind being punched, they'll speak their mind as caustically as is possible and will, in fact, belittle a man who doesn't respond like a neanderthal.

I'm not going to condone violence, my point is how do we protect men from verbal abuse and implosion into physical violence? No, lip-taping and de-boarding don't count?

**How do you make that?

5minsmadness:

[b]Solution: its like changing a bad habit. A lot of patience is needed here. And it might be surprising to note that the wife may secretly not want him to change(closet masochist) but will pretend to want it because of societal pressure.
The man has to 'unlearn' beating. He has to find a way to communicate the hard way---by using his mouth and not his fists. It will be very difficult but a man like this who truly wants to change can do so.

Did you mean 2 or 3 or 4?
I'll have to disagree with you on change though, waiting on someone who sees nothing wrong in abuse to change is suicidal. It's not even good for the long-term mental/emotional health of the victim. If you went to a boarding school cast your mind back to JSS1 and the general state of mind of your peers. . Having to constantly look over one's shoulder in fear is not good for the mind.

.

5minsmadness:
Yes, a physically abusive person can change depending on what made such a person become physically abusive in the first place. I'm going to use husbands here as my example since it seems the thread is favouring that direction.


SCENARIO 1.
Some men do not enter marriage with the mind of beating their wives. However as marriage progresses and stress piles up, they become irritable and sometimes frustrated. They realise that they are no longer in control of situations as much as they were before marriage. They feel restricted and the burden of being responsible to the family and society as a married man bears down on them. Such men, if they cannot handle this stress, become perpetually angry and lash out at the slightest inclination.

The situation above is further compounded when such a man marries a quarrelous wife. Coming home from a hard day at the office only to meet a ferocious tiger of a woman who will tell him he is not up to his mates because he does not have a new car, he should stop squeezing his face and provide 'chop money' for the house, he should find money to give her to buy that new high heeled shoe that costs n70k, his mother is the one disturbing them because she is a witch etc etc, will further depress his psyche and make him want to lash out. Some men might 'walk away' at this point with the woman screaming behind his back that 'he is not a man'. But some other men would have had enough at this point. He might scream at her to shut up but she'll simply scream back that he should make her shut up. The tirade will continue until the man gets physical and slaps her. Suddenly he is a physically abusive husband. Nobody wants to know how it came about that he slapped his wife, all they know is that he is physically abusive because all men are potentially physically abusive.





Solution: He should talk to his wife. Let her know the way she talks to him vexes him. Explain to her how she can pass her message across without being verbally abusive.
He should also learn to control his temper. Realise his wife is prone to being verbally abusive and let her know when she starts using hurtful words.
Both couples should realise they are facing the challenges of life together. It is neither of them's fault that they are going through these challenges. A united front will make the challenges easier to overcome.
Communication is the key. Sometimes people misunderstand what other people mean when they use certain words. A colleague of mine says 'don't be silly!' to almost everybody at the office. He means it as a joke but a new person might take it the wrong way. Communicating with and understanding your partner leads to less friction between you two.

And most times such issues should be taken as a case by case thing. Each individual is unique and what lead to such action is always very different so we cannot actually make blanket statements.

However, I would be more leniet and considerate of someone who makes a genuine mistake and is remorseful and seeks ways of correcting it(especially if its a first time offender. We all have some acts that we actually don't know reside within us until when in compromising situations and they boomerang in our faces) rather than someone who lives in denial of their violent and abusive nature even when they have in the past shown acts related to such like them intentionally breaking their phone screens out of annoyance or having a caustic tongue.

This set are whom i believe can't change or may find it hard to change. Because they believe they are very good (earthly angels) and not above mistakes and there is no need for revaluation even when they show such negative vibes continously.

freshdude2:

Still fair. The problem, though, is that Case 2 is the most common form in our society today. Have you heard of "pami n ku" women? Apparently, they don't mind being punched, they'll speak their mind as caustically as is possible and will, in fact, belittle a man who doesn't respond like a neanderthal.

I'm not going to condone violence, my point is how do we protect men from verbal abuse and implosion into physical violence? No, lip-taping and de-boarding don't count?

**How do you make that?

Your last two paragraph is what we should be talking truly about. We all agree it is bad to physically abuse anyone. No matter the gender. There is no justification for hitting someone. No matter what. Violence does not solve anything , just aggravates things but you need to see the advice given by most ladies on a thread on this family section that when someone verbally abuses you, you should return in kind with words. That aint it just abuse? You should just say yours back.

No condemnation. No advocation for the stoppage of all abuses from all genders.

An abuser won't change until the abused changes first. And even upon doing so, that is no guarantee that an abuser will change.

So basically, if you are being abused, don't wait for miracles. (An awfully simplistic overview, but why get into the nitty gritty; don't tolerate abuse, ever).

No human is perfect and we all should learn the act of not letting our emotions get the better part of us....

I don't support any form of abuse and I think physical abuse from a male with an excuse that she verbally abused him just shows that he is weak loined and a sorry excuse of a man who should be driven straight to sambisa to flex his overgrown and overbloated ego.....

Flytefalls:

1. An abuser won't change until the abused changes first. And even upon doing so, that is no guarantee that an abuser will change.

2. So basically, if you are being abused, don't wait for miracles. (An awfully simplistic overview, but why get into the nitty gritty; don't tolerate abuse, ever).

1. Who is the abuser and who is the abused and why does the abused need to change before the abuser changes?

2. It's a cool quote "don't tolerate abuse, ever." Tell me, how is a husband whose constantly inundated with verbal abuse to express his lack of tolerance of that?

AdeSuave:

1. I don't support any form of abuse

2. and I think physical abuse from a male with an excuse that she verbally abused him just shows that he is weak loined and a sorry excuse of a man who should be driven straight to sambisa to flex his overgrown and overbloated ego.....

1. Wonderful.

2. Interesting punishment for the man. However, how would you describe a verbally abusive woman. And in fairness, considering the man's punishment, what would you consider just retribution for the woman?

freshdude2:

1. Wonderful.
Interesting punishment for the man. However, how would you describe a verbally abusive woman. And in fairness, considering the man's punishment, what would you consider just retribution for the woman?

Lol
A 'constantly' verbal abusive woman is one who is uncouth and uncivilised...However I am of the believe that a woman wouldn't just up and start abusing a man big enough to put out her teeth....Action triggers reaction

A suitable punishment for such a woman might be to deliver a speech on the dangers of bombing to a group of suicide bombers. ...lol.

AdeSuave:

Lol
1. A 'constantly' verbal abusive woman is one who is uncouth and uncivilised...

2. However I am of the believe that a woman wouldn't just up and start abusing a man big enough to put out her teeth....Action triggers reaction

3. A suitable punishment for such a woman might be to deliver a speech on the dangers of bombing to a group of suicide bombers. ...lol.

1. Ok

2. Therefore, we can say that a man wouldn't just up and start battering a woman he vowed to honour....action does trigger reaction, after all.

3. I literally laughed out loud. Would they be strapped and ready to go? Hehehe

freshdude2:


1. Ok

2. Therefore, we can say that a man wouldn't just up and start battering a woman he vowed to honour....action does trigger reaction, after all.

3. I literally laughed out loud. Would they be strapped and ready to go? Hehehe

Lol

Yeah right.....one or both party has to be a very troublesome person for action to trigger reaction

Yes....strapped and ready to go

Say NO to any form of abuse

Do not provoke and don't be provoked.....walking out is always the viable option in any form of abuse...

freshdude2:

Did you mean 2 or 3 or 4?
I'll have to disagree with you on change though, waiting on someone who sees nothing wrong in abuse to change is suicidal. It's not even good for the long-term mental/emotional health of the victim. If you went to a boarding school cast your mind back to JSS1 and the general state of mind of your peers. . Having to constantly look over one's shoulder in fear is not good for the mind.

The solution is in relation to the scenario I gave. Just coming back from work #hungrytired

5minsmadness:
SCENARIO 2: Its a normal thing.

This husband saw his mother being beaten. He saw his sisters being beaten even as adults. He was raised in a violent environment. He sees nothing wrong in correcting his babe with a slap or two. Such a person would have exhibited violent behaviour already during courtship. He slaps his girl at parties. He shoves her about in the house. He punches her when she doesn't tell him where she went to.

Note: This guy loves his woman. He truly does. He just feel that beating is part of the love because he has seen it as normal all his life. He doesn't hide that he beats his woman and wonders why people want to interfere in his relationship with the woman he loves.

The funny thing is that women still follow guys like this. They know he is a beater/boxer. Yet for reasons best known to them they still go ahead and marry these men. Well, God created somebody for everybody. It may not be far-fetched to say such women even like such treatment as it shows they are with a strong, dependable, no-nonsense man. Many of these women are closet masochists.

Some other ladies marry these men for ulterior motives (wealth, desperation, etc) and then start looking left and right for how they will change such a person. And when the pressures of marriage come in, the frequency of beating will definitely increase. Please note also that such men will beat and punch their wives but will never use a weapon against her i.e the intent of the beating is not to kill/destroy but to correct.


Solution: its like changing a bad habit. A lot of patience is needed here. And it might be surprising to note that the wife may secretly not want him to change(closet masochist) but will pretend to want it because of societal pressure.
The man has to 'unlearn' beating. He has to find a way to communicate the hard way---by using his mouth and not his fists. It will be very difficult but a man like this who truly wants to change can do so.

A woman beater truly loves his women?

Love gats to be redefined

freshdude2:

1. Who is the abuser and who is the abused and why does the abused need to change before the abuser changes?

2. It's a cool quote "don't tolerate abuse, ever." Tell me, how is a husband whose constantly inundated with verbal abuse to express his lack of tolerance of that?

1. . Abuser/abused depends on context but the latter would take the role of the 'victim' of abuse from the former. However, abuse is subjective, so what I'd call abuse, you may not. My opinion is one where if you felt abused, you should not place faith in the hands of the abusive person to change the situation. Take control, but you needn't become abusive yourself.

2. Many ways. To 'tolerate' would be to take no action to change the unfortunate situation. Action: could start with talking, could end with him walking. He doesn't sit there expecting his wife to suddenly change, he needs to send a clear message that her behaviour is unreasonable.

freshdude2:

Still fair. The problem, though, is that Case 2 is the most common form in our society today. Have you heard of "pami n ku" women? Apparently, they don't mind being punched, they'll speak their mind as caustically as is possible and will, in fact, belittle a man who doesn't respond like a neanderthal.

I'm not going to condone violence, my point is how do we protect men from verbal abuse and implosion into physical violence? No, lip-taping and de-boarding don't count?

**How do you make that?

They husband can simply separate from her and inform both families.

SCENARIO 3: Fed Up with spouse.

This guy is tired of his wife. Literally tired. Maybe she didn't turn out to be who he thought she was in character and behaviour. Maybe he married her out of pity. Maybe she cheated on him or no longer respects h as head of the house. Whatever the reason might be, hubby suddenly finds himself trapped in a marriage with a woman he doesn't like. A quiet man will drink his sorrows away or flirt or get closer to God. A violently inclined man will begin to beat the hell out of his wife. These are the ones you hear that beat up their wives even when they are pregnant. The pregnancy reminds him that he is about the cater for more responsibility, that he is about to become more tied in with this woman whom he has come to hate so much for whatever reason. So he lashes out, slaps her, kicks her in her pregnant stomach. The aim here is to destroy, to cause pain and suffering to the object of his hatred.

There was a couple who got married and three weeks later the man who had never raised his hand against his woman during courtship suddenly started going out to drink, come home late at night and pummel the girl black and blue. Counselling finally revealed that Tue man never really wanted to marry this woman but felt trapped when she announced she was pregnant for him and wasn't going to abort the pregnancy. Two weeks after the wedding she had a spontaneous miscarriage. The reason for his marrying her was gone but he had already signed the marriage certificate. No going back. Even if he wants a divorce he has to wait for two years. The man became uncontrollable and made the woman's life a living hell. In the end the two parties could not reconcile and they had to sepereate pending a proper divorce.


Solution: find the cause of the man's annoyance and see if there can be resolution/restitution.The woman should be seperated from the man to avoid further bodily harm and the man(with the woman's permission) should be reported to the authorities for proper desicive action to be taken. These cases usually end badly. But in some rare cases both parties forgive themselves and move on.

AdeSuave:

Lol

1. Yeah right.....one or both party has to be a very troublesome person for action to trigger reaction

2. Yes....strapped and ready to go

3. Say NO to any form of abuse

4. Do not provoke and don't be provoked.....walking out is always the viable option in any form of abuse...

1. So, what if the wife is the more belligerent party?

2. Lol. Please reconsider.

3. Definitely.

4. Walk out how many times in a week, month, year, decade?

freshdude2:

1. So, what if the wife is the more belligerent party?

2. Lol. Please reconsider.

3. Definitely.

4. Walk out how many times in a week, month, year, decade?

1 . What if it's the husband?

2. Ok I will

3. Great

4. As long as it ttakes you to calm down...but hours should be enough.

bukatyne:


They husband can simply separate from her and inform both families.

Alright, then. Merci beaucoup.

5minsmadness:

The solution is in relation to the scenario I gave. Just coming back from work #hungrytired

No p

Flytefalls:

1. . Abuser/abused depends on context but the latter would take the role of the 'victim' of abuse from the former. However, abuse is subjective, so what I'd call abuse, you may not. My opinion is one where if you felt abused, you should not place faith in the hands of the abusive person to change the situation. Take control, but you needn't become abusive yourself.

2. Many ways. To 'tolerate' would be to take no action to change the unfortunate situation. Action: could start with talking, could end with him walking. He doesn't sit there expecting his wife to suddenly change, he needs to send a clear message that her behaviour is unreasonable.

1. Ah, that would be causing change then, not changing.

2. Sending her packing? Is that good enough?

AdeSuave:


1 . What if it's the husband?

2. Ok I will

3. Great

4. As long as it ttakes you to calm down...but hours should be enough.

1. I asked that because you said a woman couldn't just start verbally abusing her husband without cause to which I replied that husbands generally don't hit without cause. Let's keep perspective.

Some have walked away and got lost.

freshdude2:

1. I asked that because you said a woman couldn't just start verbally abusing her husband without cause to which I replied that husbands generally don't hit without cause. Let's keep perspective.

Some have walked away and got lost.

So what could have just triggered her to start abusing him while he goes about his normal everyday business?

Except a woman or man is out of their mind or suffering from acute depression, you don't just start abusing someone

freshdude2:
Alright, then. Merci beaucoup.

Thanks

AdeSuave:


1. So what could have just triggered her to start abusing him while he goes about his normal everyday business?

2. Except a woman or man is out of their mind or suffering from acute depression, you don't just start abusing someone

1. Simple. Conflict.

2. Do you mean abuse as verbal or physical or both?

freshdude2:

1. Ah, that would be causing change then, not changing.

2. Sending her packing? Is that good enough?

1. If you cause change by creating change then it is still all change. Yes . If change is undertaken with more focus on gaining control over a situation (I.e. creating space between yourself and your abuser so you need not fear the verbal/physical abuse every second you are awake) then you can live to focus on other things. Whether the abuser changes or not is no longer so important, but at least here we now have "room for improvement".

2.

AdeSuave:

A suitable punishment for such a woman might be to deliver a speech on the dangers of bombing to a group of suicide bombers. ...lol.