koyyess:
This is what I mean 1diot- when a true traditionalist who knows his/her values sets his/her eyes on a miserable animal like you, you would be spat on and kicked out of the inner circle you think you represent. I hope that sinks slowpoke.

TF? u mad nigga? you just insulted my Gods and then you are tryna educate me about being a true traditionalist and its values? you are st.upid and confused.

afynwa:
Never allow marital conflicts to reach to d extent of calling family meetings.Cos there's a saying dat says dat whenever a rope is cut into pieces no matter how u try to join dem d lenght wil never b d same again,dat applies to love.

Lesson rather:

1) never marry someone you can't communicate with.

2) never marry an unforgiving person.

No point.

Offend the person you plan to marry and see how they respond before you marry them..

Marriage is not beans.

koyyess:
You must be high on some cheap drugs. I've already said it that you know nothing about your history. You are just a deluded, angry ,mad illiterate seeking relevance on NL. Even your gods can't remove the shackles on your miserable callous feet. Mumu negro.

basta.rd stfu. u have issues.

Choooii...

Nairalanders sha

You pipu can fight and abuse....

obowunmi:
Choooii...

Nairalanders sha

You pipu can fight and abuse....

And for no obvious reason.
It's hormonal apparently.

cococandy:
Love based marriage over arranged marriage for me anyday

arranged marriages are not necessarily devoid of love

Honestly, I do not see anything wrong in choosing an arranged marriage as long as there is compatibility, the partner has what you are looking for and you share the same views. It will be like a contract subjected to both of your terms, not this man=authority many marriages normally deal with.

I believe life will be so much easier that way.

Note: This is quite different from what women had back in the day. Many of them did not have a choice, be it via compatibility or sharing the same life values. Many were like properties that wer acquired or sold in exchange for something. It will be impossible to have an arranged marriage like your grandfather's because women now have a voice and rights. If you are the type that goes by the "I am a man therefore, i have authomatic authority over you" nonsense, it will be quite hard for you to find a woman that doesn't have a voice and even if you do, you have to shield her from the world for your marriage to last. One day, one day, she could just meet someone who educates her on her rights and that's when she will turn to the type of woman you were trying to dodge. Someone who knew herself, knew what she wanted out of life and wanted more for herself than just being a weak man's "property."

PAGAN9JA:


TF? u mad nigga? you just insulted my Gods and then you are tryna educate me about being a true traditionalist and its values? you are st.upid and confused.

And you came to NL to insult your own mother, is that your definition of african values? You are uncultured reeetard. Your kind stinks to the high heavens. You are a waste of space. You and the miscreants that liked your comment should be flogged to death. Smelly Bush rat. Poverty is a bast#rd in deed.

PAGAN9JA:



basta.rd stfu. u have issues.

Get this into your dumb skull. If your clueless gods could not give you the brain to invent your own gadget to type this rubbish, if your own gods couldn't stop you from learning the white man's language. If your own gods didn't give you the brain to relocate to the bush and form your own community and bizarre rules, if your own gods give you the balls to speak ill of women, then you and your gods are stuuuuupiiiiid!

koyyess:
And you came to NL to insult your own mother, is that your definition of african values? You are uncultured reeetard. Your kind stinks to the high heavens. You are a waste of space. You and the miscreants that liked your comment should be flogged to death. Smelly Bush rat. Poverty is a bast#rd in deed.

African values? there is no such tin. Africa is not a tribe. every ppl have their own different set of values.


your comment reeks of frustration. u need to visit psychiatrist for treatment.

koyyess:
Get this into your dumb skull. If your clueless gods could not give you the brain to invent your own gadget to type this rubbish, if your own gods couldn't stop you from learning the white man's language. If your own gods didn't give you the brain to relocate to the bush and form your own community and bizarre rules, if your own gods give you the balls to speak ill of women, then you and your gods are stuuuuupiiiiid!

Gods invent gadgets? smh*
i wonder where the Indians, Chinese and Japanese get heir brains from, if they are not worshiping the same Gods i worship in different names.

why the Gods stop me from learning white mans language? its a good tin now. language is good. especially one language of the whites mans (English) which is important for global communication. see, im not a racist so i don't know where you get your opinions from.

relocate to the bush? The Hausa Maguzawa have always been city dwelling people. The Great Hausa Kingdoms and trade routes were forged by us. we are found in many cities as natives. even in old parts of Kano.

speak ill of women? mebe the one that birthed u . sometin went wrong there.


dan banza. mumu. mental patient.

kandiikane:
Honestly, I do not see anything wrong in choosing an arranged marriage as long as there is compatibility, the partner has what you are looking for and you share the same views. It will be like a contract subjected to both of your terms, not this man=authority many marriages normally deal with.

I believe life will be so much easier that way.

Note: This is quite different from what women had back in the day. Many of them did not have a choice, be it via compatibility or sharing the same life values. Many were like properties that wer acquired or sold in exchange for something. It will be impossible to have an arranged marriage like your grandfather's because women now have a voice and rights. If you are the type that goes by the "I am a man therefore, i have authomatic authority over you" nonsense, it will be quite hard for you to find a woman that doesn't have a voice and even if you do, you have to shield her from the world for your marriage to last. One day, one day, she could just meet someone who educates her on her rights and that's when she will turn to the type of woman you were trying to dodge. Someone who knew herself, knew what she wanted out of life and wanted more for herself than just being a weak man's "property."

Are you aware that arranged marriages were one of the biggest promoters of "the man is the head of the family" paradigm? They are practically married (pun intended), almost impossible to separate. Without those traditionally defined roles arranged marriages will fall apart. You wish life to be more easier by removing the very essence of arranged marriage and still expect life to be easier? You have to be kidding.

LordReed:


Are you aware that arranged marriages were one of the biggest promoters of "the man is the head of the family" paradigm? They are practically married (pun intended), almost impossible to separate. Without those traditionally defined roles arranged marriages will fall apart. You wish life to be more easier by removing the very essence of arranged marriage and still expect life to be easier? You have to be kidding.

As one could clearly see, I differentiated between the two. my last paragraph clearly talked of the kind of arranged marriages practiced back in the day, the one you are insisting on.

You talk as if arranged marriaged marriages only mean where a young woman is forced into getting into a marriage with an older male. An arranged marriage today comes in many different forms. Two people can come together based on what they want to achieve in life and one can choose to have a marriage that is not based on love or lordship and that certainly can be arranged with someone, for example if the person is looking to have kids or someone to be his beard. As clearly stated a contractual marriage Is an arranged marriage and many people do it. It's not all black and white. Many people get into marriages for different reasons and if you are clear about your terms and the partner knows that and adheres to it contractually, life gets much easier that way. If you don't agree with my concept of an arranged marriage that is fine but definitely no kidding here.

kandiikane:


As one could clearly see, I differentiated between the two. my last paragraph clearly talked of the kind of arranged marriages practiced back in the day, the one you are insisting on.

You talk as if arranged marriaged marriages only mean where a young woman is forced into getting into a marriage with an older male. An arranged marriage today comes in many different forms. Two people can come together based on what they want to achieve in life and one can choose to have a marriage that is not based on love or lordship and that certainly can be arranged with someone, for example if the person is looking to have kids or someone to be his beard. As clearly stated a contractual marriage Is an arranged marriage and many people do it. It's not all black and white. Many people get into marriages for different reasons and if you are clear about your terms and the partner knows that and adheres to it contractually, life gets much easier that way. If you don't agree with my concept of an arranged marriage that is fine but definitely no kidding here.

I guess I misunderstood certain parts of your post thanks for clearing that up. However you must consider that while a business style contracted marriage could "make life easier" it doesn't sound like it is the better one the OP is advocating. In my mind I don't see such a marriage providing the kind of home that provides a healthy atmosphere for children and aside from an agreement to have kids what else can provide any basis for joy and fulfilment in such a marriage? It just sounds like a bland business deal unlikely to foster any sense of belonging not to talk of love or any sort of emotional attachment. I'd rather not be married than have to endure such.

5minsmadness hi,

Love your premise. Meant to post a while back after reading the OP, then the thread and I kept on missing each other. I am absolutely a fan of arranged marriages and would consider then objectively better than those termed love marriages.

I don’t personally consider an arranged marriage one where, sight unseen, two families agree to marry off their children – without recourse to them and possibly before they are even born – sometimes for some other underlying reason such as an oath or debt. I consider those forced marriages.

For me, arranged marriages in the good/proper sense, is where the parents/elders take an active role in helping set selection criteria and vetting potential spouses. The final decision still rests with the two individuals.

It should of course be preceded by grounding their children in what marriage actually is and what it entails in a real pragmatic and practical sense. And have particular emphasis on what character attributes are essential for a fulfilling marriage.

It can be fairly loose or more formal and can even take on a more communal feel. A great example of this is the debutante season that was a highlight of the social calendar here in times past.

All it really entailed, was families of a certain social standing arranging for their young men and women to make social contact in an enabling environment – and hopefully things would natural happen. I know this may be a little harder in our more global times, but it is absolutely doable.

I think Ewuro4 mentioned plans for something like that at a family level. I actually know of someone who entered a much more formal arranged marriage – “only because I want to please my parents” – after 3 years she was totally in love. Why? She had a husband who acted accordingly – and ultimately that’s what sustains marriages.


I followed BabyOsisi' marital advice to new and intending thread and the one thing that struck me strongly was that most of the women would have been much better served and most of the issues raised obviated by involving their elders in their relationships. And at it's heart, that's what arranged marriages are really about.

Good one


TV

LordReed:


I guess I misunderstood certain parts of your post thanks for clearing that up. However you must consider that while a business style contracted marriage could "make life easier" it doesn't sound like it is the better one the OP is advocating. In my mind I don't see such a marriage providing the kind of home that provides a healthy atmosphere for children and aside from an agreement to have kids what else can provide any basis for joy and fulfilment in such a marriage? It just sounds like a bland business deal unlikely to foster any sense of belonging not to talk of love or any sort of emotional attachment. I'd rather not be married than have to endure such.

It is quite obvious that what the op is looking for in an arranged marriage is quite different to the one I stated. I do not think you get it, kids were an example. Some couples have kids already. Many people are fulfilled on their own so marriage would just be a bonus to them. Obviously, you won't understand because you have not seen or experienced such marriages, same way many won't understand the concept of open marriages. I have had experiences with arranged marriages by two consenting adults and i have seen it work. I have also seen a consenting adult with older kids who became a second wife via an arranged marriage. She entered into it on her own terms and she has been married for 22years now. Not everyone is into that emotional attachment, some just want someone to grow old with, a friend Or someone to warm their beds each night, same way some are comfortable being alone.

TV01:
5minsmadness hi,

Love your premise. Meant to post a while back after reading the OP, then the thread and I kept on missing each other. I am absolutely a fan of arranged marriages and would consider then objectively better than those termed love marriages.

I don’t personally consider an arranged marriage one where, sight unseen, two families agree to marry off their children – without recourse to them and possibly before they are even born – sometimes for some other underlying reason such as an oath or debt. I consider those forced marriages.

For me, arranged marriages in the good/proper sense, is where the parents/elders take an active role in helping set selection criteria and vetting potential spouses. The final decision still rests with the two individuals.

It should of course be preceded by grounding their children in what marriage actually is and what it entails in a real pragmatic and practical sense. And have particular emphasis on what character attributes are essential for a fulfilling marriage.

It can be fairly loose or more formal and can even take on a more communal feel. A great example of this is the debutante season that was a highlight of the social calendar here in times past.

All it really entailed, was families of a certain social standing arranging for their young men and women to make social contact in an enabling environment – and hopefully things would natural happen. I know this may be a little harder in our more global times, but it is absolutely doable.

I think Ewuro4 mentioned plans for something like that at a family level. I actually know of someone who entered a much more formal arranged marriage – “only because I want to please my parents” – after 3 years she was totally in love. Why? She had a husband who acted accordingly – and ultimately that’s what sustains marriages.


I followed BabyOsisi' marital advice to new and intending thread and the one thing that struck me strongly was that most of the women would have been much better served and most of the issues raised obviated by involving their elders in their relationships. And at it's heart, that's what arranged marriages are really about.

Good one


TV

This is why I want to have your vocabulary prowess when I re-incarnate.
Nice one sir.

Cc LordReed. Pls take note of the difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage as TV has explained here.

kandiikane:


It is quite obvious that what the op is looking for in an arranged marriage is quite different to the one I stated. I do not think you get it, kids were an example. Some couples have kids already. Many people are fulfilled on their own so marriage would just be a bonus to them. Obviously, you won't understand because you have not seen or experienced such marriages, same way many won't understand the concept of open marriages. I have had experiences with arranged marriages by two consenting adults and i have seen it work because even though they are married, . I have also seen a consenting adult with older kids who became a second wife via an arranged marriage. She entered into it on her own terms and she has been married for 22years now. Not everyone is into that emotional attachment, some just want someone to grow old with, a friend Or someone to warm their beds each night, same way some are comfortable being alone.

Hmmn.
It's like I've been misunderstood somewhat.
I advocated compatibility before love and not the absence of love /emotional attachment in it's entirety.

Adolescent love/ Eros love is fleeting and is a poor foundation for a lifetime commitment.

5minsmadness:

Hmmn.
It's like I've been misunderstood somewhat.
I advocated compatibility before love and not the absence of love /emotional attachment in it's entirety.

Adolescent love/ Eros love is fleeting and is a poor foundation for a lifetime commitment.

I understood you perfectly well, our reasons are different but love can always come in later. All I am saying as long as all the terms are laid out and adhered to, I do not mind it.

5minsmadness:

This is why I want to have your vocabulary prowess when I re-incarnate.
Nice one sir.

Cc LordReed. Pls take note of the difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage as TV has explained here.

The 'modernly' defined arranged marriages sounds different from the one highlighted in the OP

The modern arranged marriages definitely are not outdated so how can it be better by 'modern' marriages

5minsmadness:

This is why I want to have your vocabulary prowess when I re-incarnate.
Nice one sir.

Cc LordReed. Pls take note of the difference between arranged marriage and forced marriage as TV has explained here.

You do realise that forced marriage is a subset of arranged marriage don't you?

LordReed:
You do realise that forced marriage is a subset of arranged marriage don't you?

Pray tell, how do you come to that conclusion? I must onfess to not reading the whole thread - did I miss something posted earlier?

In an arranged marriage, consent from the two prospective spouses is required - in fact, the decision to actually meet is down to them. How does that equate to forced?

All arranged marriages do is facilitate and provide oversight.


TV

TV01:

Pray tell, how do you come to that conclusion? I must onfess to not reading the whole thread - did I miss something posted earlier?

In an arranged marriage, consent from the two prospective spouses is required - in fact, the decision to actually meet is down to them. How does that equate to forced?

All arranged marriages do is facilitate and provide oversight.


TV

A forced marriage is arranged is it not?

LordReed:


You do realise that forced marriage is a subset of arranged marriage don't you?

Jesus christ. you really cant wrap your head around the arranged marriage thingie can you? did you see the part where i put a caveat on those who marry off little girls??

I've stated my opinion. tv01 has put it very nicely there again. if you keep on insisting that NOTHING GOOD AT ALL can come out of arranged marriage then there is nothing more to say. let's agree to disagree.

LordReed:
A forced marriage is arranged is it not?

Yes - and how does that make arranged and forced marriages categorically the same or similar?

All marriages are arranged in the sense you speak of. Without "arangement", no marriage happens.


TV

5minsmadness:
I've stated my opinion. tv01 has put it very nicely there again. if you keep on insisting that NOTHING GOOD AT ALL can come out of arranged marriage then there is nothing more to say. let's agree to disagree.

I'm sure the sense in the premise will assert itself .

I was actually about to post further;

Funnily enough, a "prospective spouse", that is well grounded in their marriage culture and has a good understanding of what is required will effectively "self-police" in lieu of any "arranging framework.

And in truth, one properly ready for marriage should be able to do so. I certainly did. I searched for, located and vetted my wife all by myself. I then introduced her to my family and presented her at family settings (and vice versa).

In some ways, it was "reverse arranged". More so, as we met when I was invited along to an occassion by a friend - specifically because there would be eligible women present.

Further, after having initially met her, my friend was able to provide some basic background info which helped expedite things.

Many of the elements of "arranged" were present, just not in the customary manner.


TV

5minsmadness:

Jesus christ. you really cant wrap your head around the arranged marriage thingie can you? did you see the part where i put a caveat on those who marry off little girls??

I've stated my opinion. tv01 has put it very nicely there again. if you keep on insisting that NOTHING GOOD AT ALL can come out of arranged marriage then there is nothing more to say. let's agree to disagree.

Why do the things I write just slip past you like ghosts? I wrote forced marriage is a subset of arranged marriage and somehow to you I wrote arranged marriage is forced marriage. My intro into this discussion was not even based on whether or not arranged marriages are good or bad. I was after your thought on how love and physical abuse worked in arranged and modern marriage so to write I "insist on nothing good at all" means you are the one reading my posts upside down.

LordReed:


Why do the things I write just slip past you like ghosts? I wrote forced marriage is a subset of arranged marriage and somehow to you I wrote arranged marriage is forced marriage. My intro into this discussion was not even based on whether or not arranged marriages are good or bad. I was after your thought on how love and physical abuse worked in arranged and modern marriage so to write I "insist on nothing good at all" means you are the one reading my posts upside down.

Okay, so are you agreeing something good can come out of Arranged Marriages?

TV01:

Yes - and how does that make arranged and forced marriages categorically the same or similar?

All marriages are arranged in the sense you speak of. Without "arangement", no marriage happens.


TV

All marriages are not arranged going by the way we are describing arranged marriage. The number one characteristic of an arranged marriage is that the initial choice is not one the intending couple make but is made for them by family. A forced marriage goes on to negate any choice either of the intending couple may indicate. This makes forced marriage a SUBSET of arranged marriage.

BTW I don't even know why this is an issue as I am not even discussing the merits or lack of.

5minsmadness:

Okay, so are you agreeing something good can come out of Arranged Marriages?

Roses grow out of shit so why not?

LordReed:


Roses grow out of shit so why not?

loooooooooooool!

actually they don't.
the rose plant is extremely picky on where it thrives and you need just the right amount of loam to sustain it.


what exactly do you have against arranged marriages?
any personal experiences?

5minsmadness:


loooooooooooool!

actually they don't.
the rose plant is extremely picky on where it thrives and you need just the right amount of loam to sustain it.


what exactly do you have against arranged marriages?
any personal experiences?

Nothing, I would have had an arranged marriage myself but I discovered that family are just as flawed and fickle as anyone else,might as well make my own choice instead of having to blame someone else for anything.