Sometimes when dueling couple attempt to fix their rocky marriage, they resort to a 'neutral' third party. At times, it may work, but often times, a backlash may ensue, because, the secrets binding the couple has now been revealed to a third party. I can recall an interview granted by Dr. Tokunbo Dosumu (Awo's daughter) to Quality magazine of the advice that her father gave her prior to her marriage. He told her that she should never bring in a third party in her marriage. Ok, I was stunned by her admission. Along that line, my mother's servant repeated the same line that never would she intercede in any marital squabble because you are bringing trouble upon yourself. This sagacious woman told me of a couple who fought each time the wife was pregnant, and dare anybody intercede. The third party would be beaten up by the dueling couple, and at the same time, they would solve their marital quanta.

Unlike the USA, where such barbaric act usually necessitates the presence of the cops from a vigilant neighbor or bystander, in Nigeria, who sai? Marital quanta is sometimes strictly off limits. So for some of us, who have resided abroad and do know the lasting repercussions of a marital dispute (case in point, the wife may be beaten to death by the enraged husband, or the man's head may be bludgeoned with a pestle ,  yeah, it happens.), would you intercede?

Agony aunts in America would definitely refer the victim to the services of a shelter, but in Nigeria, sometimes the woman would be told to bear with it. WE have read some African novels where this practise is endorsed by our customs, and I have even read that about a woman who would be sent packing by her mother each time she returned home from a marital dispute with her husband. So, while we are now endowed with the mentality that squabbles can be solved without the use of fists, would you still brazenly intercede in a marital dispute in Nigeria, involving your next door neighbour, or would you just accomodate this practise, because it is none of your business?


http://www.nigerianmemories..com/

marriage should be a union between two person and not between three people ,if the issue of a third party shld set in, in a marriage then den things wont be as rosy as it shld(even though the third party is a family member)there is bound to be more problems in his/her intrusion in to the family, so i dont buy the idea of a third party!!!!!
and if am called upon to intercede in any marital matters i will simply tell both couples to sort it out themselves.BETTER DAT WAY THAN A THIRD PARTY.dats my opinion

Umm. . .

Yes and No.

Yes - when there is physical abuse involved, the person recieving the abuse should tell their family members, and/or pastor, iman or whoever is of religious authority over them. There should be ZERO tolerance of physical abuse. If someone is beating you, there are immensely serious problems that you cannot resolve on your own.

No - for most other issues, the answer is no. However, if there is a recurring problem that cannot seem to be resolved - a serious thing - ie not being able to rid oneself of the habit of biting nails is not a serious problem, then you can also goto a third party (again family member, pastor/iman or this time a counselor).

Now, if you are called in as a third party, a few things to keep in mind:

1) Make sure you don't take any sides - no marriage issue is 100% one person's fault. It will be impossible for you to ever know all the details, so you will never be in a position to judge one person over the other.
2) Make sure before you get started, you iron out with both people how much authority you are being given over resolving this conflict. If they just want someone to listen to them, then yes, then you should politely tell them that they should be talking to themselves.
3) If you feel that you cannot handle counseling them, then don't. They're better off with someone else or by themselves.

haba, why should third part intercede in marriage God have already stated that it is only for two people.
as for me infact i will not dear to to anwer if i may call to .

If the husband and wife are not getting along, then a third party is needed.
The third party may be a marriage counselor or psychologist. It's better to
cry for help than to allow your marriage to be destroyed by your ignorance.

Where physical abuse is involved, you don't need a counselor. You need a prosecutor.

You gave the example of a couple that beats up people who tries to interfere in their conflicts. it's an irrelevant example because the topic says "would you intercede when called upon?"

My answer is that nobody is going to call upon me to intercede in any relationship.

i will interced if i have intrest on the wife

surugede:

i will interced if i have intrest on the wife

u are not serious.at times a third and neutral helps the couple realise their mistakes

A third party is not needed cos one thing 4 sure is dat dey would settle their differences as adults.i think third parties probably would add more salt 2 injury,if u know wat i mean

One thing i learnt by observing is to always stay clear of husband and wife matter. Cuz your head will be used as settlement

Pastors, parents, and marriage counselors help married people all the time and their heads are still intact. When both the husband and wife are too proud to apologize first, help is needed.

Third party, pastor, brother, parents and any God fearing person can settle marital dispute. It all depends on how the matter is handled.In some families, you see a particular brother who loves one of his sisters more than others.And if he talks to her sister about her marital problem she must surely understand with her lovely brother and the problem is resolved.The same thing goes to the brother when the sister talks to him. So marital dispute shouldn't be left for the couples alone.

I will keep my mouth shout and pray for them.

i think some ppl dont realise da gravity of marital problems

well, dont boast dat u wont respond when calld upon coz u neva know, abi u r not married?

sometimes is not always a good idea,cos i remembered when a friend of my husband told him certain things concerning his wife ,how she hid their marriage certificate,how she came to look at the type of car her husband came with on their TM day, u know some nasty things, later my husband was used to settle their dispute, cos when my hubby was asking the woman why she did all those things she denied all and later the husband called and telling my hubby why are you pitying her u shuld have done this or that. u see keep off on matters concerning married couple when it comes to gossip and ash her.

i will, but not TO side or criticise any of them. If not, why are we christians? LOVE UR NEIGHBOUR AS U LOVE URSELF.

if cant fix it, dont break it

It is always better for the married couple to handle their buz within their union, however, there are situation, where it cld be better to get someone involved and not just anyone. But if I (rhino) will get involved, no way, make dem come use my head break the coconut and when they make up and doing the adult stuff in da bed, dem go come dey discuss me, i'll pass on that one

well to me if am called, i will try to open the word of god to them and make peace among them!

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me oh i dnt think i will want to do any of such because am nt God. d only Allowed third in marriage is God simple. any other person has one weak point or d other. so d only perfect God shld be d one no matter hw small or big d problem is.

We all re just human beings, abeg, is only God simple.

Actually,

Lady M:

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, me oh i dnt think i will want to do any of such because am nt God. d only Allowed third in marriage is God simple. any other person has one weak point or d other. so d only perfect God shld be d one no matter hw small or big d problem is.

We all re just human beings, abeg, is only God simple.

Your answer there @Ndipe makes me wonder why people even ask God why he allows bad things to happen. So you are saying that the fact that God makes places you at that particular place at that particular time is not sign that maybe he would like for you to do something about it rather than watch a fellow human being get pummeled by another

So because it is a marriage and God says no one should put them asunder means that if a man is beating his wife to death or hacking her, it is ok not to interfer?? Heck, If a woman decides to beat her husband to death, we should all mind our own business too??  I wonder if your next statement is that God's Love means we should mind our own business even when we see someone being robbed.

Here is a question, Would Jesus see such and walk on by like he did not see it and say God will take care of it   I mean the dude did interfere in the case of the adultress who was about to be stoned. I mean the men were doing the right thing according to there law which was passed down to them by their God, 


If You ask me, I believe this " I DON'T CARE ATTITUDE" as my mother would call it, is the major problem in Africa. We tend to approach things in such a disconnected way that we make up excuses why we should not do the right then when we have to. A man's neighbours are starving to death and the man shrugs his should and says things like GOD WILL PROVIDE and he does nothing, not even pray at least , a man hears his neighbour beating his wife into a coma, and he shrugs his shoulder and says WHAT GOD HAS JOINED TOGETHER LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER. When are we going to get a clue and maybe look to the fact that just cause we are not as bad as the west in the things they are bad in DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE BETTER OFF, WORSE is when people claim God is on their side when they live these selfish lives.
interesting ,   

KoboJunkie

I don't believe in marriage, so I'll help if you need a quick divorce.

I may intercede but will not interfer

Never! You never know how the warring factions might interprete your slightest interventions no matter how well-intentioned you may be. Just butt out and refer them to their "wholey"! Any couple who cannot sit down and talk things over---is heading for dooooooooooooooooooooooooom!!! When you invite 3rd parties--you are only [b]"googling"---[/b]You business is on the WWW! God forbid oh!

teena:

I may intercede but will not interfer

I would say that be the best thing to do too. I mean some in here are turning it all around to claim God says not to intercede and we ask ourselves daily why the world is as evil as it is? because most of the good people in it, instead of doing what God has equipped and given them wisdom to do when they see evil, they sit back and wait for God to come down from heaven to do the job.

This is one thing I like about people in the west at least, as soon as people hear noise coming from the next door neighbours house, they at least go knock to see what is going on or even call the cops immediately. I personally know of many nights back when I was a kid in Nigeria, my father would beat blood out of my mum and not even a single neighbour would come to her rescue. I mean I grew up and almost killed the man myself but made me wonder how evil these neighbours must be to listen and have watched all those years and did absolutely nothing to stop the wrong.

You can not judge the one or two cases where we have silly people like that who go off seeking attention to mean the case for all. Practically 90% of the women in my neighbourhood had been beating at one time of another by their spouse, infact, I remember we moved to a new area and there I met people who were really human beings. Some dude down the street would beat his wife, one day, as he was beating the woman, some of the guys gathered, went it and beat the crap out of the guy. After that day, he never laid a finger on his wife. That is the way it ought to be if you ask me. I do not have any respect for any man who lays his hands on his wife and it should be the same in all cases. Regardless of what culture of location where you are on this planet.

cases where you have a husband and wife turning around to beat the interceder are seriously rare. but we have many more cases where spouses are sent to the hospital or maimed for life because no one chose to intercede. Look up in the north and you might see more of these.



KoboJunkie

@Uchetobi, you are quite correct on that.

Read this link:

http://odili.net/news/source/2010/nov/8/613.html

How Good Samaritan died mediating between man and wife
Written by Olalekan Olabulo
Monday, November 8, 2010


The virtues of peacemaking is extolled by all. But, sometimes, peacemakers get caught in the crossfire, leaving them with an ugly experience to tell. In this report by Olalekan Olabulo, one peacemaker was not that fortunate.He got caught in the web of a fight between a man and his wife which left him stone dead.

It was supposed to be a mediation between a man and his wife, who had woken up their co-tenants with their usual feud. It, however, turned out to be a journey of no return for a Good Samaritan, whose death has become a source of concern to residents of Egan , a suburb in Alimosho Local Government area of Lagos State . . .

@Topic,as much as possible,i try not to interfere but when there is domestic violence or assault i DO interfere.When married friends share a problem with me,i tell them what i think is the best for them but always encourage them to do what they think is right/best for them.
So far,i havent had a need to seek for 3rd party"s counsel,im seeing it remaining that way,Insha Allah.

Intercede if called upon, yes because it may be impossible to say no. But interfere, no. However everyone should learn to manage their affairs between themselves.

You don't even have to ask me. If I see a man hitting a woman then he is going to jail. End of story for me. She can decide if she wants to bail him out or drop the charges. If a friend asks me of course I will give my opinion. If she wants to turn around and blame me later then so be it. All I know is that I spoke my truth. If you call me and say that you saw naked pictures of your husband's secretary in his work briefcase I will tell you that he is most likely a cheating dog and you a fool for standing here asking me when you should be giving the man hell

Well I think if you're called upon in certain cases, you should. Especially when you've considered the personalities of both parties. I'll give an example: I needed to travel for one day to write a professional exam, but my husband refused to let me take our two little kids (under 2 years of age) to my parent's house for my mum to take care of them. He said he would care for them himself. (Note that his mother was out of town if not i would have taken them to her). I wanted to make my mother-in-law aware if the situation so that I won't be accused of abandoning my kids for my career. I tried to call my mother-in-law, she wasn't picking, I sent her a text explaining the situation and then proceeded to call her again. I was shocked to see that she was talking to my husband about the issue on the same line that I had just tried calling. My mother in law totally refused to take my calls because she was of the opinion that couples should keep everything between themselves. My husband went ahead to take away my copy of the house keys, he locked the doors and said whenever I was ready to go, he will let me out, in order to ensure that I don't come back later to take his kids to my parents' house. I had already assured him that I wasn't going to take them away and I was opposed to leaving without a key since it will be very inconveniencing for me to go on such an exhausting journey, return and not have immediate access to the house. My husband's whereabouts is usually very difficult to discern on account of the nature of his job). Again, i tried to get my mother-in-law to intervene because I was running late but she still refused to take my calls. I proceeded to take my husband's wallet which he left in one of the rooms. My intention was to use it as an exchange item so I can get the keys from him. Unfortunately, this got him very mad and in a bid to get the wallet back from me, he pushed me and I hit the back of my head on a glass table resulting in a head injury as revealed by a CT scan. In all of this, my mother-in-law still refused to take my calls even though she could hear me shouting and crying through the phone. (recall my husband was intermittently on the phone with her while the fracas was going on). Since that day, I haven't called her again, and she hasn't called me either. Even when my parents informed her about my head injury by text (since she wasn't taking their calls), she still failed to even give me call to find out how badly hurt I was. This is someone I have loved and respected as a mother all this time, we have never ever had even one disagreement. So the point of this long narrative is, sometimes it's okay to intervene if invited. By refusing to get involved, she has effectively destroyed our relationship forever. I cannot honestly say that she cares whether I live or die as long as we obey the golden rule of keeping everything between ourselves as a couple.

yes

Yes, 100%

If it is a genuine call

9jaluvin:
Well I think if you're called upon in certain cases, you should. Especially when you've considered the personalities of both parties. I'll give an example: I needed to travel for one day to write a professional exam, but my husband refused to let me take our two little kids (under 2 years of age) to my parent's house for my mum to take care of them. He said he would care for them himself. (Note that his mother was out of town if not i would have taken them to her). I wanted to make my mother-in-law aware if the situation so that I won't be accused of abandoning my kids for my career. I tried to call my mother-in-law, she wasn't picking, I sent her a text explaining the situation and then proceeded to call her again. I was shocked to see that she was talking to my husband about the issue on the same line that I had just tried calling. My mother in law totally refused to take my calls because she was of the opinion that couples should keep everything between themselves. My husband went ahead to take away my copy of the house keys, he locked the doors and said whenever I was ready to go, he will let me out, in order to ensure that I don't come back later to take his kids to my parents' house. I had already assured him that I wasn't going to take them away and I was opposed to leaving without a key since it will be very inconveniencing for me to go on such an exhausting journey, return and not have immediate access to the house. My husband's whereabouts is usually very difficult to discern on account of the nature of his job). Again, i tried to get my mother-in-law to intervene because I was running late but she still refused to take my calls. I proceeded to take my husband's wallet which he left in one of the rooms. My intention was to use it as an exchange item so I can get the keys from him. Unfortunately, this got him very mad and in a bid to get the wallet back from me, he pushed me and I hit the back of my head on a glass table resulting in a head injury as revealed by a CT scan. In all of this, my mother-in-law still refused to take my calls even though she could hear me shouting and crying through the phone. (recall my husband was intermittently on the phone with her while the fracas was going on). Since that day, I haven't called her again, and she hasn't called me either. Even when my parents informed her about my head injury by text (since she wasn't taking their calls), she still failed to even give me call to find out how badly hurt I was. This is someone I have loved and respected as a mother all this time, we have never ever had even one disagreement. So the point of this long narrative is, sometimes it's okay to intervene if invited. By refusing to get involved, she has effectively destroyed our relationship forever. I cannot honestly say that she cares whether I live or die as long as we obey the golden rule of keeping everything between ourselves as a couple.

I think there is more to this story than you are telling. This event is obviously the climax of something deeper. Your MIL isn't practising non-inon-interference. She is either in support of her son or is trying to avoid her daughter-in-law's drama. A CAT scan? Common!