I had to hold myself from throwing up as i read this piece.  Really it would had made a master peice but i just could not read it to the end because i found it impossible.  You make it look as if it is a man thing.  My believe is that the problem in marriage starts with the woman.  You can never predict them.  When you are dating, she is so pleasant, always careful not to offend you, she cleans up your house, would even go to the extent of washing your clothes, would want to impress you with her wonderful cooking.  She will always seek advice from you and what so ever you say on an issue is law and is final.  Your family would be her best friends.  Two months after marriage, she suddenly realizes that she is not a slave and can't be doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house.  She can't wash your clothes any more, she wonders why she would have to do all the cooking and washing the dishes and you sit in front of the television with a bottle of beer. (formerly even if you offered to help in the kitchen, she would politely turn you down.). She complains about everything.  Your family becomes a  problem (be careful before your mother turns out to be a witch). If you work late, you have gone to visit another woman.  You don't have right to have a lady friend, you are not even permitted to gist with the ladies in your office. Though she will have male friends, her old school mates will call her to chat with her, her colleagues will buy her lunch and even dinner attimes, he will even drop her home.
If you as a man dare, buy lunch for a colleague; my God you better not sleep home that day because it would be better to get yourself locked up in kirikiri. If you must offer left to anyone, let it not be a woman alone.  if there must be a woman among the list, she must not sit in front of the car.  Your advice turns to stupidity that is if you are even allowed to render some.  She preffers to take advice from her friends and will promptly contest any decision you take concerning the home.  Nothing you say is good.  You say black, she says you should had said white.  Next time to please her you say it is white and what do you get "the white did not come from your mind" you are not being sincere.  you are right, she gets angry and you beg. It takes a week to get over that one.  She is right, you say sorry and beg, it only God know how that will end. No matter who is at fault, it is always the man's fault.  They never accept their faults.  They are always right (I too Know). They want to boss over you but who not take it if you try to boss over them.

You will find life so frustrating because you find yourself doing everything to please a woman but they are insatiable.  Most men end up in the beer parlours trying to find solance. Most will probably die at age 50-60 because they are not happy inside.  I believe the home determines how long a man will live. A happy marriage will get you to 80-100 and above, a sad one ends you premature.  Every man wants a happy home, but how to find the right woman to make that home happy becomes a problem.  I must confess that there is no right woman.  those men running from one woman after the other waste their time because they are all made of the same stuff.  No two women are mentally different.  They all think the same way.  Academically you may find some difference, but when it comes to reasoning: They follow the same sad fashion. So just try as much as possible to patch up with the one you have, you can get it better.  It would be stupid to break up with her afterall someone needs to bear the children unless you can find another way to bring them into the world.  That is all they are really useful for.

In conclusion: If you a man wants to be happy, the only way is to try as much as possible to produce a child or two during the first three years of marriage and pour your love on your child.  Let it be your consellation and let it give you happiness.  Spend as much time as you can with it and mould it in the way you always dreamt of for your child.  The child you can mould, not a woman. That is the only source of true happiness. You can't get that from a woman, no matter how much love you pour into her. She will still be a woman. In my silent hours i sometimes wonder if eating the forbidden fruit was the original sin, because I wonder what Adam must had done for God to had given him a woman as companion.

@Original poster, Nice write-up!!!!

, this is beautiful, makes sense

i cant stop reading this piece,i just love every bit of it. May God bless the writer. Wish we can have more of sure write ups on this forum,will encourage those of us that are married and even those that are yet to marry.

the bros brain de connect, the guy de reason

Hmm. Your initial stories are pretty bad - marrying someone 3 months after meeting them is a recipe for disaster - no need to be some expert to figure this out.

Being in a relationship for 9-16 years before marriage AND it's only THEN that you start to notice things about her that you didn't before - that suggests that you are incredibly slow and stupid - again, no need to be an expert to figure out this is a recipe for trouble.

okunola1:

I had to hold myself from throwing up as i read this piece.  Really it would had made a master peice but i just could not read it to the end because i found it impossible.  You make it look as if it is a man thing.  My believe is that the problem in marriage starts with the woman.  You can never predict them.  When you are dating, she is so pleasant, always careful not to offend you, she cleans up your house, would even go to the extent of washing your clothes, would want to impress you with her wonderful cooking.  She will always seek advice from you and what so ever you say on an issue is law and is final.  Your family would be her best friends.  Two months after marriage, she suddenly realizes that she is not a slave and can't be doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house.  She can't wash your clothes any more, she wonders why she would have to do all the cooking and washing the dishes and you sit in front of the television with a bottle of beer. (formerly even if you offered to help in the kitchen, she would politely turn you down.). She complains about everything.  Your family becomes a  problem (be careful before your mother turns out to be a witch). If you work late, you have gone to visit another woman.  You don't have right to have a lady friend, you are not even permitted to gist with the ladies in your office. Though she will have male friends, her old school mates will call her to chat with her, her colleagues will buy her lunch and even dinner attimes, he will even drop her home.
If you as a man dare, buy lunch for a colleague; my God you better not sleep home that day because it would be better to get yourself locked up in kirikiri. If you must offer left to anyone, let it not be a woman alone.  if there must be a woman among the list, she must not sit in front of the car.  Your advice turns to stupidity that is if you are even allowed to render some.  She preffers to take advice from her friends and will promptly contest any decision you take concerning the home.  Nothing you say is good.  You say black, she says you should had said white.  Next time to please her you say it is white and what do you get "the white did not come from your mind" you are not being sincere.  you are right, she gets angry and you beg. It takes a week to get over that one.  She is right, you say sorry and beg, it only God know how that will end. No matter who is at fault, it is always the man's fault.  They never accept their faults.  They are always right (I too Know). They want to boss over you but who not take it if you try to boss over them.

You will find life so frustrating because you find yourself doing everything to please a woman but they are insatiable.  Most men end up in the beer parlours trying to find solance. Most will probably die at age 50-60 because they are not happy inside.  I believe the home determines how long a man will live. A happy marriage will get you to 80-100 and above, a sad one ends you premature.  Every man wants a happy home, but how to find the right woman to make that home happy becomes a problem.  I must confess that there is no right woman.  those men running from one woman after the other waste their time because they are all made of the same stuff.  No two women are mentally different.  They all think the same way.  Academically you may find some difference, but when it comes to reasoning: They follow the same sad fashion. So just try as much as possible to patch up with the one you have, you can get it better.  It would be stupid to break up with her afterall someone needs to bear the children unless you can find another way to bring them into the world.  That is all they are really useful for.

In conclusion: If you a man wants to be happy, the only way is to try as much as possible to produce a child or two during the first three years of marriage and pour your love on your child.  Let it be your consellation and let it give you happiness.  Spend as much time as you can with it and mould it in the way you always dreamt of for your child.  The child you can mould, not a woman. That is the only source of true happiness. You can't get that from a woman, no matter how much love you pour into her. She will still be a woman. In my silent hours i sometimes wonder if eating the forbidden fruit was the original sin, because I wonder what Adam must had done for God to had given him a woman as companion.

Okunola1, instead of soultion you are making a problem worse coz everything that you wrote is the source of problem coz man thinks that woman like a special treatment while not giving it to them and likes to control a man. to be honest that's not true is just that if you have a perception that a woman is a control freak and she has come to separate you with your family no matter how sweet she can be she can't heal that polluted mind of yours and a divorce will be a result of your mind. be transformed by the renewal of your mind.

if you have a maid in the house, what's the reason of your wife doing all house work after the hectic day at work?? man thinks that they've paid a lobola for a woman to tolerate the untoleratable. if you treat your wife as a girlfriend like you use to do before i think it can work.

what you must know is that woman like attention from the husband BIG TIME, so when you start to shift your attention to your kids she'll start to ask herself so many questions,

@Poster

Lovely. Spot on. Loads and loads of sense. More of this sort of posts pls.

This topic remains relevant even today, 2yrs after the poster first wrote.

Marriage is patience prayers and God neva expect the financee u are seeing now in marriage and don't expect too much from ur husband/Wife learn to ignore some things unlike in relationship where u capitalize on every mistake and the first 5-10yrs of marriage there are alot of challenges to encounter if u are not patient enough to handle ur home as the woman u will be sent back to the street and men start using u to play ball in all just make up ur mind that no matter wat this marriage most work and we have to make it work like my husband will always say if it will work it is upto us and it has to work,

fantastic write-up. . .(i'm posting here so i can find it in future when i'll need it. . .lol)

okunola1:

I had to hold myself from throwing up as i read this piece.  Really it would had made a master peice but i just could not read it to the end because i found it impossible.  You make it look as if it is a man thing.  My believe is that the problem in marriage starts with the woman.  You can never predict them.  When you are dating, she is so pleasant, always careful not to offend you, she cleans up your house, would even go to the extent of washing your clothes, would want to impress you with her wonderful cooking.  She will always seek advice from you and what so ever you say on an issue is law and is final.  Your family would be her best friends.  Two months after marriage, she suddenly realizes that she is not a slave and can't be doing all the cooking and cleaning of the house.  She can't wash your clothes any more, she wonders why she would have to do all the cooking and washing the dishes and you sit in front of the television with a bottle of beer. (formerly even if you offered to help in the kitchen, she would politely turn you down.). She complains about everything.  Your family becomes a  problem (be careful before your mother turns out to be a witch). If you work late, you have gone to visit another woman.  You don't have right to have a lady friend, you are not even permitted to gist with the ladies in your office. Though she will have male friends, her old school mates will call her to chat with her, her colleagues will buy her lunch and even dinner attimes, he will even drop her home.
If you as a man dare, buy lunch for a colleague; my God you better not sleep home that day because it would be better to get yourself locked up in kirikiri. If you must offer left to anyone, let it not be a woman alone.  if there must be a woman among the list, she must not sit in front of the car.  Your advice turns to stupidity that is if you are even allowed to render some.  She preffers to take advice from her friends and will promptly contest any decision you take concerning the home.  Nothing you say is good.  You say black, she says you should had said white.  Next time to please her you say it is white and what do you get "the white did not come from your mind" you are not being sincere.  you are right, she gets angry and you beg. It takes a week to get over that one.  She is right, you say sorry and beg, it only God know how that will end. No matter who is at fault, it is always the man's fault.  They never accept their faults.  They are always right (I too Know). They want to boss over you but who not take it if you try to boss over them.

You will find life so frustrating because you find yourself doing everything to please a woman but they are insatiable.  Most men end up in the beer parlours trying to find solance. Most will probably die at age 50-60 because they are not happy inside.  I believe the home determines how long a man will live. A happy marriage will get you to 80-100 and above, a sad one ends you premature.  Every man wants a happy home, but how to find the right woman to make that home happy becomes a problem.  I must confess that there is no right woman.  those men running from one woman after the other waste their time because they are all made of the same stuff.  No two women are mentally different.  They all think the same way.  Academically you may find some difference, but when it comes to reasoning: They follow the same sad fashion. So just try as much as possible to patch up with the one you have, you can get it better.  It would be silly to break up with her afterall someone needs to bear the children unless you can find another way to bring them into the world.  That is all they are really useful for.

In conclusion: If you a man wants to be happy, the only way is to try as much as possible to produce a child or two during the first three years of marriage and pour your love on your child.  Let it be your consellation and let it give you happiness.  Spend as much time as you can with it and mould it in the way you always dreamt of for your child.  The child you can mould, not a woman. That is the only source of true happiness. You can't get that from a woman, no matter how much love you pour into her. She will still be a woman. In my silent hours i sometimes wonder if eating the forbidden fruit was the original sin, because I wonder what Adam must had done for God to had given him a woman as companion.

Do you have to spread a bad experience. YOu sound like someone who's really had it tough. If it didn't work for you, does it have to be like that for others too?

The poster has written something reasonable and quite educating. Learn from it.

In all the relationship I have been in that I noticed were on the verge of marriage, I tried my best to show the guy my true self. Whenever I notice a behavior in my bf that will not sit well with me in marriage I call his attention to it. Although it worked t first but sooner I realize he detested it. He said that I was a nag and all that. I said to myself if I was to continue in this relationship which later leads to marriage I will never be happy neither will he. Although I loved him, I called off the relationship. I always have a policy, "It is better to single and happy, than be married and miserable."

Wahala90:

The poster made some sense. But I hear say the guy na divorcee! So wetin I wan use divorcee advice do for my marriage.

Maybe he learnt from experience.

@ Poster, wonderful piece and hope ur marriage is intact also ooooo!!!!!!

INSPIRING. You pass for a counsellor.

The bottom line is this: The way a relationship was prior to getting married does not have to change because of marriage. If anything, marriage should make that relationship deeper. Spouses should make sure that their priority is the happiness of the other. If we can all be honest about this, the sky will be the starting point, not the limit.

Time and time again we naively try to profess all sorts of modern day theory to what makes a succesful marriage.
The truth is that every marriage is different and unique and you cannot have a one size fits all definition of marriage to everyone.
What works for one individual may not necessarily work for another. It is impossible for the dynamics of a marriage to remain the same when couples get married especially when children arrive. All of a sudden there is(are) another party in the family, with new commitments, be it domestic, financial etc. How couples adjust to the new dynamics is important from my own personal experience.

We need to get over this myth that you need to have some sort of long term relationship to get married.
The reality is that you don't, ask our parents who barely knew each other but mostly went on to have successful marriages.
We need to bring back those traditional values that made those marriages successful.

http://apenandaheart..com/

Nija4Life:

Time and time again we naively try to profess all sorts of modern day theory to what makes a succesful marriage.
The truth is that every marriage is different and unique and you cannot have a one size fits all definition of marriage to everyone.
What works for one individual may not necessarily work for another. It is impossible for the dynamics of a marriage to remain the same when couples get married especially when children arrive. All of a sudden there is(are) another party in the family, with new commitments, be it domestic, financial etc. How couples adjust to the new dynamics is important from my own personal experience.

We need to get over this myth that you need to have some sort of long term relationship to get married.
The reality is that you don't, ask our parents who barely knew each other but mostly went on to have successful marriages.
We need to bring back those traditional values that made those marriages successful.

http://apenandaheart..com/

Did some of the women have any choices than to remain a Mrs. Somebody?
Some aspects of those old marriages were good, some definitely were not.

Please read this inspiring story about marriage:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly.
Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

Read the rest of this story here http://soinspiringstories..com/2011/10/marriage.html

Good article.

Thanks!

how can anyone says it is the responsiblity of another human being to make him or her happy?how can the author says such a thing or do i misread the long article? somebody help me.

i will say on an intelligent level,you should expect your spouse to change ,sadly for the worse and happily for the beta.the change needs to be brilliantly managed.if in the core your spouse remains GODLY AND CARING AND RESPONSIBLE ,other changes ,not too pleasant must be managed rather than throw away the marriage.
no one should stay married to someone who has practically gone mad and is a danger to himself.if he/she goes about sexing without discretion,do i need to tell u ,u will soon die of AIDS.nigerians should see the good in doing a basic agreement(prenuptials).

Very insightful article though a bit too long. can't believe i'm just seeing it after almost 4 years. I'll try and get my husband to read it though he doesn't do long articles. Wish we had read somethin like this early on in the marriage when things were so rocky i thought and believed the marriage will definately collapse. Thank God we both got our acts together before it was too late. I'll still get him to read the article even if it means i have to edit and print it.
@ josite
yes, your happiness depends on another person in a marriage. Your partners actions and behaviour has a huge impact on your disposition. As the op said, if a (wo)man thinks about making himself or herself happy alone in a marriage, such a person is self-centered.

Sincerely, i liked every word u wrote down and how u explained everything in the topic.
I will do my print-out later,  Thanks for the " Spoken Truth ".

it is such an inspiring article worth sharing.

10 years later, still very much on point.

God bless the writer of this article.

10 Years later and it still cut through steel. The comments too also matured and that of experienced mind. Now you just see unnecessary derails. Lalasticlala can you be so kind to move this to the front page?

Blonchilli:
10 Years later and it still cut through steel. The comments too also matured and that of experienced mind. Now you just see unnecessary derails. Lalasticlala can you be so kind to move this to the front page?

Then no android phones , we had less/few kids on the internet then . These kids were still suckling their mothers breasts but 10 years later they are relationship advisors . hope you code

Fundamentalist:


Then no android phones , we had less/few kids on the internet then . These kids were still suckling their mothers breasts but 10 years later they are relationship advisors . hope you code

I code. I've been a member on nairaland since 2009, some of those moniker are no longer active. Most were Nigerians living outside the country and the ones in naija were the ones you could have a great conversation with. I lost my former handle when nairaland lost a lot of data some years back. Miss the good old days

An example of threads that made me fall in love with NL back in the days.

I was 20 when I joined NL, and I was sane. Compared to what we have now, I think there is more to it than just age.