@ poster, u should be very careful in taking ur decision. 4 me, I tink a guy should show dat he cares in his own little way. Again u said he is putting up with some1 n yet he has worked 4 6yrs...to me, dat doesn't sound gud... He should @least get his own apartment b4 tinking of marriage or maybe he is expecting u to do dat 4 him... U know some guys r 'OBIAGELI'... I know u feel some tin 4 him but u r not convinced cos u r scared he likes u 4 ur money. If u tink u can comfortably run ur home without an assistance 4m him, den u should carry on... If not, I suggest u walk.. Gud luck

@op, you earn more than the guy. Out of the little he earns, you want him to take care of ur bills, rent an apartment and leave his family house yet you would not let this guy save some money because you are a 'traditional woman'.abeg free the guy joor.
BTW since you accepted to marry him,why open this thread?

andromida: You are marrying him out of fear of being single at 30+. Almost all decisions made out of fear are wrong because you are not thinking straight.3 years and he never bought you anything? Hmm did u have a talk with him about this behaviour of his anyway Listen to your heart. Better single with options than married and miserable.

U r so on point.marriage pressure shld not be bout ones age but mutual attraction n compatibility.

Op, you 100% should NOT marry this person.

Marriage is a long term affair. Will you be ready to spend the rest of your life with this person? You might say you will leave the option to divorce him open but I can assure you that unless he does some really bad things, it is unlikely that you will leave. If he is a 'good man' and a 'good dad', what reason will you tell people for wanting a divorce? Think about it o. You will end up being stuck in a loveless situation wondering everyday about what could have been.

His flaws (like everyone's) will be magnified x100 after marriage, you will notice more things that irritate you daily and you don't have any love or respect for him to make it easier to bear them.

Have you also forgotten the nature of the woman's expected role in the home? Even if he isn't dropping one shishi towards the running of the home, he will still assign all the womanly roles to you. You will still be the one expected to cook, clean, stay awake all night with the kids, help them with their homework, entertain visitors and family members etc. Will you have joy in your heart having to do all these while working to finance the home as well?

I don't think it is absolutely necessary to have fire in your heart and loins for the man you marry but you HAVE to have RESPECT for them to have any semblance of happiness in your marriage.

Break up with him and move on. Otherwise, be prepared for misery.

The other side of it too is the fact that he probably does not know you don't love him or are not attracted to him. I'm sure 'I love you' is a common phrase thrown around in your relationship. Is it fair to him to keep lying to him and to deceive him into thinking he is loved? Even he deserves to be with someone who loves him.

steph7: thank you , I couldn't have said it better.I know a couple that have a little game of who can surprise each other the most with gifts, it adds spice to their marriage. Its sad some married women here are making it sound like a crime to exchange gifts with your husband to be .

Hiya Steph,
Please May I trouble you for 5mins? Can you go through the posts again and mention the names of the women. . .married, single, married but single (hey it can happen ) who have said collecting gifts from a guy is a crime. If you can quote the posts too, that would help tremendously. Thanks!!

I'm not even gonna bother addressing the guys who have taken CC and I to task for saying a woman shouldn't rely on a guy for financial support. We know your type naa, you are the sort who use money to control women. How can you show you are "Da Man" if she isn't running to you for money to wash her hair or money for soap to buy the pant she begged you to buy for her. How can you punish her for whatever crime you think she has committed if you aren't able to tell her the ATM is closed for now because of her bad behavior. Nope, I am not gonna address these men.

With the women however is where my concern lays. Everyday we get stories about boyfriend beating their girls up, treating them like crap, just basically having no respect for them and when we ask. . .why can't you leave? More often than not, the reason is always based on FINANCES. He is the one paying my school fees, he is the one paying my rent, he is the one taking care of my siblings. My goodness ladies, how can you let yourself be held to ransom like that? How do you sleep at night knowing what happens tomorrow is at the mercy of another person? That if the guy wakes up one morning and says. . .Asta la vista baby, that is it for you? How?!!!

I honestly don't get that mentality and no matter how much you (the ladies) insult me. . . I will never think it is right to be financially dependent on a guy.

PS
I don't know how much clearer we can about the distinction between FINANCIAL SUPPORT and GIFTS.

ACM10:

@bolded
Spot on!
I don't think that the poster is not attractive. I can't stay in a truly faithful relationship for one month without intimacy, let alone 3yrs. Except the guy is a gay or impotent. Pls poster, don't celebrate the fact that he has not shagged u since u started your affair with him. This calls for some serious questions. You should investigate to know whether he is shagging other babes. A sexually active man cannot stay that long. OR you are simply unattractive to him, OR he wants to use u to climb the social ladder. Pls ponder on this.

I dont agree with your assumptions and theories. Let me explain.

First of all, because YOU cannot stay one month without shagging/shacking or whareva does not mean everyone is like that. Secondly, why must the guy be seen as gay or impotent? How about him just not interested/believing in pre-marital sex? Did you think about that? And thirdly, he may not necessarily be sleeping with other babes....he could just be quite faithful to this woman. Fourthly, I also dispute that a sexually active man cannot stay long without (what I would consider) fornication. Some men just dont do that sort of thing outside marriage, and it has nothing to do with how good looking a woman is.

I actually find your assumptions/theories rather unfair and biased against men.

Finally, as for using her to climb the social ladder, well, since when was that a crime or sin? Must a wealthy woman always marry a wealthy man? Yes, a man is the bread winner of the house. So can she not manage the bread he can afford if she really wants/needs to marry him? Why must the man now be a "cake winner" simply because the bride is wealthy? If she is worried about him milking her Oil and Gas money, let them have a pre-nuptial agreement. Simple.

If this is how women assess the men they want to marry, then it explains why so many marriages fail even before they start.

Give the guy a break.

ps:
And just like what @Sisi_Kill implies just above (^^^), this woman should even be happy that she has financial independence from this guy. Wanting your man to provide for you in EVERY single way is not always favourable to women o! It can lead to abuse and maltreatment.

andromida: You are marrying him out of fear of being single at 30+. Almost all decisions made out of fear are wrong because you are not thinking straight.3 years and he never bought you anything? Hmm did u have a talk with him about this behaviour of his anyway Listen to your heart. Better single with options than married and miserable.

agree wit u

stillwater: @Jenny, this is what she said. . .

From my own understanding, cash assistance is different from gifts. I asked her if he remembers to give her gifts on birthdays, valentine etc. She never responded.

Exactly how I understood her post too

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

This marriage thing sef!

May I ask what you have been doing since in terms of settling down? I mean why did you wait this long? 30 years is old! I see you as a woman who is very choosy, has high expectations in a man, not considerate & unrealistic.

I just have an advise for you though, make sure whatever you are getting into you have peace of mind & happiness. Forget attraction, finance or love for the man in question or do you have other options? Do you have men of your "taste" flocking around you or proposing to you? If u don't have a better option, then you have no choice! Bother about his love, xter/attitude, morals, way of life & commitment towards you.

Take it from me, 2 or 5 years from now, its a photographer that would be on your case. This thing is like a cycle, its keeps getting worse and not better. When you were in your peak period, I am sure you played the game of chess with a lot of men's emotions because you were choosy. Life is what it is, you have to make do with what you have. Remember beautiful ones are not yet born, take a field trip to unilag(land of plenty), Covenant Uni(land of innocent beauties), to the north(natural beauties)...You would be amazed at the attractive babes with good xter. Men would rather go for those ones before your age bracket. Even mid twenties babes can testify to that. The first thing that comes to mind is that, a 30 years old unmarried/single woman was probably promiscuous, lost her womb, committed several abortions and slept her way to success. Do you know how many people would have cautioned him to leave you for a younger woman? Or you think cos he is 35, he is in the same boat as you?

Better don't let these married women tell you to leave the man. The world only identify with success! When the hard time comes, no one would stand by you instead its insults you would get and these same people asking you to say NO would insult you for not grabbing the opportunity. You are meant to be having a matured conversation with the man, let him know how you feel about him not contributing his quota financially. Try and come to a compromise with him on a realistic level. Thank God you are rich, you no even happy sey na banker u go show off to family & friends at 30. If na office clerk wetin u for do? Just make the best out of whatever situation you get urself into, its your destiny! Even you can't re-write it, you can at least shape/mold it to your benefit. ABOVE ALL, PRAY PRAY PRAY FOR GOD'S WISDOM & GUIDANCE(He would make everything fine).

Cuddlemii:

This marriage thing sef!

May I ask what you have been doing since in terms of settling down? I mean why did you wait this long? 30 years is old! I see you as a woman who is very choosy, has high expectations in a man, not considerate & unrealistic.

I just have an advise for you though, make sure whatever you are getting into you have peace of mind & happiness. Forget attraction, finance or love for the man in question or do you have other options? Do you have men of your "taste" flocking around you or proposing to you? If u don't have a better option, then you have no choice! Bother about his love, xter/attitude, morals, way of life & commitment towards you.

Take it from me, 2 or 5 years from now, its a photographer that would be on your case. This thing is like a cycle, its keeps getting worse and not better. When you were in your peak period, I am sure you played the game of chess with a lot of men's emotions because you were choosy. Life is what it is, you have to make do with what you have. Remember beautiful ones are not yet born, take a field trip to unilag(land of plenty), Covenant Uni(land of innocent beauties), to the north(natural beauties)...You would be amazed at the attractive babes with good xter. Men would rather go for those ones before your age bracket. Even mid twenties babes can testify to that. The first thing that comes to mind is that, a 30 years old unmarried/single woman was probably promiscuous, lost her womb, committed several abortions and slept her way to success. Do you know how many people would have cautioned him to leave you for a younger woman? Or you think cos he is 35, he is in the same boat as you?

Better don't let these married women tell you to leave the man. The world only identify with success! When the hard time comes, no one would stand by you instead its insults you would get and these same people asking you to say NO would insult you for not grabbing the opportunity. You are meant to be having a matured conversation with the man, let him know how you feel about him not contributing his quota financially. Try and come to a compromise with him on a realistic level. Thank God you are rich, you no even happy sey na banker u go show off to family & friends at 30. If na office clerk wetin u for do? Just make the best out of whatever situation you get urself into, its your destiny! Even you can't re-write it, you can at least shape/mold it to your benefit. ABOVE ALL, PRAY PRAY PRAY FOR GOD'S WISDOM & GUIDANCE(He would make everything fine).

Well done for this brutally honest and very insightful post.

This is an extremely truthful and realistic assessment of the options left for the poster. I would recommend that the poster (bebe4u) make a printout of this response and study it day after day until the message sinks in.

acidtalk: From the little responses I have read I will like to conclude that 99% of the posters just tolled the "follow follow" line and as such went against the poster without readily understanding her.

I AM A MAN and will like to agree with the poster and disagree with her on some other aspect.

AGREE : even if the poster works or even prints money, there is absolutely nothing wrong in her man giving her a few bucks to visit the salan, get a manicure or even recharge her phone.

For crying out loud, we are talking of a "wife to be" here and not some chewing gum girl friend or a fling. 3years is way too damn long not to get a little treat from your friend (same or opposite sex) not to talk of a fiance.

Do most of us even reason one bit before commenting?

If the poster is saying the whole truth, I feel this man in question is just attaching himself 'cus he wants it to be in record he dating and possibly married a "big babe". My question to the poster is,

* Does he take you out for lunch, dinner, or event shows from time to time?

* Has he ever asked you for financial support either to dash or borrow him?

* Do you give him gift or treat which he readily accepts them and doesn't reciprocate?

Answering the above will give me a clearer picture of what kind of relationship you have.


DISAGREE : don't dream of dating not to talk of marriage because from your writeup, you are with him because of peer pressure and don't have an iota of love or attraction for him. If you do, you will only end up being more miserable than you ever expected.

A man can always find it easy to seperate or divorce you and get someone standby in no time he will marry. As for a lady every man will be too cautious to settle down with a divorcee as they will assumeBest advice yet she was the cause of the breakup an
d will thread softly.

My little advice, it better late than never.....wait for someone you feel more comfortable with to come your way.

Thank you very much acid. This is a very great response.

joaoche: you are the only sane person here.........

Most of the replies on the post are so dumb,,,,,,,,,,
@chaircover and sisikill, you guys should atleast read and understand before giving st-upid answers

hmm

Selfish gal, don't go near him. He should be the one complianing not u. Person like u cannot spent one kobo on her bustand. Maybe u don't knw some persons don't know how to give money not until u ask.

He has been working in a bank for over 6years nd cannot afford to rent @least a room aπϑ parlour,the guy must b acca gum while still leaving under his parents'shed.
As fø̲̣̣я̅ u,there must b sumthng u ar still hiding cos a girl wȊ̝̊̅ℓℓ neva marry a guy he has no feeling fø̲̣̣я̅ based on boths financial grounds.u get to answer ur jamb question urself cos u dnt even K̶̲̥̅̊п̥̥̲̣̥w̲̅ wot exactly is wrong with ur head.

Hello! You need ♑ advise baby girl.You have listed quite a number of reasons why u must not marry him.

From ur text,Its obvious u don't love him.If u do, finance won't be an issue,if u do u will guide him and join hands with him to get an apartment,If u do u will be attracted to him sexually,if u do u wouldn't post it On this forum.

Baby! Just walk and don't marry him based on sentiment caUse if u do it will only earn u slaps cause u will make him unhappy.

Kp praying

Maybe he is building hes home u don't know. Becos 6yr is a long run. He should not be asking for marriege if he don't have home.
Banker earn not less than 60,000 *12*6=

All these nl babes sef that like forming "hard, tough or strong" chicks who only dig & collect money & gifts. All na wash, it would shock you that they do the spending. Any babe that is well payed up from guys dnt need to announce it every second of the day in their post. Most don't even have what it takes or the mind! Too much mouth and e-guts from faceless chicks. Abegii babes wey sabi love die and can act stupidly for it.

Cuddlemii: All these nl babes sef that like forming "hard, tough or strong" chicks who only dig & collect money & gifts. All na wash, it would shock you that they do the spending. Any babe that is well payed up from guys dnt need to announce it every second of the day in their post. Most don't even have what it takes or the mind! Too much mouth and e-guts from faceless chicks. Abegii babes wey sabi love die and can act stupidly for it.

Lmao! Please cuddlemi. . .explain abeg!!

Maybe he is building hes home u don't know. Some guys are good planner expecially bankers Becos 6yr is a long run. He should not be asking for marriege if he don't have home.
Banker earn not less than 60,000 ok let say 60,000 *12*6=4,320,000. This guy most have plan

Poster after reading 4 pages of this I still say your expectations are not outrageous or outlandish.Even if you have wasted your youth on 100 men which I doubt it doesn't mean you should be sentenced to life imprisonment. You know what you know.If you are not feeling him free him.Don't be afraid to be happy.If some people 30+ women have compromised their happiness just to bear the mrs title too bad but that's their cup of tea and they are not the standard to look up to.

Life is meant to be lived not managed. Disregard everyone telling you that you are an old maid .Remember you are not in competition with anybody but yourself.30 and single can be scary because almost all your friends are married and doing baby talk but you are speaking another language.Marriage happens for women at different phases of their lives some at post 30 through no fault of theirs and hey that's life. Bottom line of all these my long talk is don't settle and if you decide to settle remember you chose this life.Goodluck

chaircover: My next question is what is a traditional man?

A traditional man as I understand from the post is one who understands his husbandly responsibilities as the main provider in a home and who is willing to work towards and maintain this role. Also one who despite his wife earning will not try to dodge/abandon this responsibilities.

Shebi your company have a MD? Marry him and he would provide all your needs

If those guys are not forth coming u better stick to dat guy u get,a lot of ladies don't have atal ,he even ask u 4 marriage,u r lucky and ur luck will not pass u by.think about it cogently to start another relationship.there is no perfect man anywhere,every guy have their own barrier or 'sole of achille' wot if he does not have a job.just try and make ur perfection out of him,allow ur love and feeling to grow geometrically,don't be besieged by those guys u r felling for,dey will chop u and dump u: let ur felling towards him be aroused,i can tell u some steps to take to achieve dis.

afrobaby:
I guess Ʊ av A̶̲̥̅̊ prob wit ur sight, if not, I wonder y Ʊ wud respond to my post when it was specifically meant for sisi_kills, wonder what type of person Ʊ are, in africa, we can someone like you amebo, aproko,

you're a troglodyte!
i am amebo because I responded to a comment on a public forum? what's the essence of having a forum in the first place? where you can only speak to yourself? some of you naija women don't have enough wisdom!

Abeg, make some people just keep quiet here jare, make I hear word.. Some believe NL is where they come to act scripts or something, dey say A̶̲̥̅̊ totally different thing from what they will do, haba, hypocrites.

act scripts? you are being taught to have some sorta self-respect for yourself and it's nollywood to you? no wonder naija men treat you fools like sanitary pads when you cannot stop acting like a calabar housemaid to him. your parents paid through their noses to send you to school so you can be independent, fend for yourself so that men would put you in a high pedestal but you want to trade your self worth cos of your gluttony? shame!

Some peeps make it look as if marital abuse and infidelity do not happen in developed nations, abegi, which part of the developed nation do Ʊ live sef,

of course it does - even more than it happens in nigeria. in developed countries, a man can bring another woman home and send his wife to sleep on the couch. husbands openly slap their wives in public for fun, husbands marry more than 4 wives and pack them in one flat like sardines. hell, husbands can send their wives packing after turning her into a punchbag and he is the sole decision maker who can keep the children!!!
when God was distributing intelligence in heaven, you were on a leave of absence!

Proud to be an african woman and love being dat

proud to be a used sanitary pad describes you aptly!

The mentality and manner of expression of lazy, irresponsible and poor men dey different sha, dey complain about everything, haba, can see so many of dem on dis forum

corporate beggar!
better go and find a good paying job and stop looking for cash cows to pay your life bills.
your spouse is not your biological father. let him give out of his own free will, do not demand like its your right - that's the message! it's women like you who sleep with their bosses cos he's more financially buoyant than your husband cos your love is tied with the number of digits in a man's account balance!

bebe4u: My virtual friends, i am posting this because i ant to share the burden i have in my life right now and i seek for honest answer and advice in which ever way. please keep it polite anyone could be in a similar situation and we could all learn from it at the end of the day.

I am 30years of age female working in the oil & gas sector and very comfortable financially. How ever i have been in a platonic relationship with a guy who is currently working in a bank but i am better off financially. He never hid his intention that he loves me and would want to take things to the next level but i have always maintain my stand of us not rushing things while trying to sort out my real feelings for him. He asked me to marry him recently and i accepted. The burden i have in my heart now is 1- I am not in love with him and also not sexually attracted to him. By that i mean im not crazily in love but i like him as a friend. 2- I have concerns about our financial obligation in the sense that i fear he might not provide for me the way a husband should for is wife. i am a traditional person where i believe a man should always provide for his wife no matter how small, im willing to support him but through the three years we have been friends he hasnt provided in the least of money for my salon session. i feel he is just taking advantage of the fact that i can afford it, so i feel differently. He currently lives with his family and younger brother. i talked to him one day and said he should get a house of his own but till date he hasnt and havent made any real effort at that yet he talks about facilitating meeting my parents et al. Question is what are the pros and cons of going ahead to marry this young man or should i just call it off as i have been tempted to several times. BTW he is 35yrs of age, has been working in the bank for 6 yrs as an employee. As we all know the presure young ladies face in the society about being single by 30years. Please respond with your candid advice. i will appreciate while i keep praying as most of you will end up saying to me. Thank you.

no wonder unmarried women plenty 4 my place, my sister opportunity comes bt once

andromida: [b]Poster after reading 4 pages of this I still say your expectations are not outrageous or outlandish.Even if you have wasted your youth on 100 men which I doubt it doesn't mean you should be sentenced to life imprisonment. You know what you know.If you are not feeling him free him.Don't be afraid to be happy.If some people 30+ women have compromised their happiness just to bear the mrs title too bad but that's their cup of tea and they are not the standard to look up to.

Life is meant to be lived not managed. Disregard everyone telling you that you are an old maid .Remember you are not in competition with anybody but yourself.30 and single can be scary because almost all your friends are married and doing baby talk but you are speaking another language.Marriage happens for women at different phases of their lives some at post 30 through no fault of theirs and hey that's life. Bottom line of all these my long talk is don't settle and if you decide to settle remember you chose this life.Goodluck[/b]

Thank you!!!!

I'm reading the posts calling her an old maid, taking her to task for not marrying early and trying to judge her character based on that. . . and my jaw is about to drop!!


@ Topic
I feel the need to reiterate certain points because we have so many issues flying all over the place and some people are kinda mixing things up.

On the issue of marry or not to marry -
I don't think she should marry the guy. . .not because he doesn't give her money but because she doesn't love him, she is not sexually attracted to him and it is the desperate need to be married that is making her consider him. These three things aren't a good foundation for a marriage that is supposed to last forever. If she doesn't mind being divorced after a year or two, then go ahead. . .some people really do not mind, their rationale is that at least they can say they were once married.

On the issue of give money or does not give money
I have stated my opinion on that and why it is so. It is not about showing up some somebody else or trying to form whatever. Considering the many horror stories we hear everyday about men/women relationship, I honestly can't get how calling for independence is now a bad thing but hey. . .it's all good, we all come from different walks of life and it will be very naive to think we should all think the same way.

At the end of the day, everyone defines love in their own way and what they want out of a relationship.

WHY ARE WOMEN NASTY AND INSULTIVE TO EACH OTHER. THIS GIRL CAME FOR ADVICE AND ALMOST EVERYONE IS INSULTING AND DISSING HER. ADVICE HER AND LET HER BE!
30 is not old for marriage. marriage is for life. its not about WHEN its about HOW.
The poster is not in love with the guy. she should let him go.
besides SHE IS NOT ASKING HIM TO FOOT HER BILLS.
if you love someone naturally you give. she's not asking for the head of John The Baptist.

Sisi_Kill:
At the end of the day, everyone defines love in their own way.

how do you define love?

as per the age thing, one has to be realistic. a woman at 30 has limited options. this does not mean she should be unhappy but she should have it at the back of her mind that she might not get what she wants.

there are plenty of younger women in nigeria with better income and less demanding. at 30, she should be less choosy and be ready to compromise a little bit. she has lost some huge portion of her bargaining power - that's the hard truth you should be telling her!

jarkatá: If those guys are not forth coming u better stick to dat guy u get,a lot of ladies don't have atal ,he even ask u 4 marriage,u r lucky and ur luck will not pass u by.think about it cogently to start another relationship.there is no perfect man anywhere,every guy have their own barrier or 'sole of achille' wot if he does not have a job.just try and make ur perfection out of him,allow ur love and feeling to grow geometrically,don't be besieged by those guys u r felling for,dey will chop u and dump u: let ur felling towards him be aroused,i can tell u some steps to take to achieve dis.

I like your response.

She has already said "yes" to the guy. She should have thought it over or asked nl before the deed was done.

Saying "No" now, makes her look unserious and going back on her words. Do you think another guy would be comfortable with a woman who called off her engagement? The man didn't beat her, cheat on her or insult her so what justifiable reason would she give for leaving a man who found her worthy at 30 to be his wife? That he is not financially ok or not a spender? Do you think another man would stay with her? Or run off? The op is likely to meet men that would use her & dump her for this act. She has made a promise/commitment(saying yes), so she she should be woman enough to fulfill it. All she need do is look for a way to adjust what she has with the guy to her favour & want.