Hello nairalanders! I'v actually been a guest on dis forum for a while and found it interesting so I decided to register. I now need help on a serious issue bothering my mind and I hope you guys can help out.
I'm 30yrs married to 25yr old lady with a 4-month old son. We met in 2008 during my service year and she told me she was in unilorin 200 level biz admin so we started a relationship, It wasn't so serious then cos she was always in school and only come to lagos only on holidays.
I finishes my service and got a job in a bank at which I worked only 1 year before I resigned and started my business. All these while I was busy with work and stuffs so d r/ship was more of a phone thingy plus I thought she would have someone in school anyway. I realised I had feelings for dis lady and decided to pursue dis lady even though I had some banker ladies ready to settle down with me but I wanted someone younger .
We started dating seriously and I proposed 3months later which she accepted, all was going on fine until abt 3 months to our Introduction when she came crying one day dat she has a confession to make. She said wen actually met a few years back, she did actually lie abt d unilorin biz admin thingy dat she was doing pre degree course there and unfortunately she was unable to get in to study the main course and dat she just gained admission into federal poly ado-ekiti 2010 and the stories went on like dat, even her parent sent for me and started pleading dat I can cancel d intro but if I really love their daughter things can still work out. Even though I felt akward and betrayed, I still went ahead cos I was in love and I felt I was making enough to sustain d marriage.
We got marriedin july 2011(sponsored by me and my family cos dem no too get) and she got pregnant immediately. Issues just started happenin like business going down too many expenses I wasn't expecting, basically it was chocking having to carry all d responsibilities and wen she was gonna give birth again like 4 months ago, I spent almost 800k (300 for d CS, 200k for new house rent and like 300 for naming and baby stuffs) which she doesn't appreciate much as she thinks I'm just doing my duty and to confess, I'm broke now as Iv been spending my capital.
I can't continue like dis as der is nothing exciting abt d marriage anymore, all d attn is on the new baby and we have not even had sex since d 6th month of d pregnancy. Too many issues but not to bore you guy, I'll need ur honest advice as I'm planning to divorce or run away ... Pls HELP!

You wanted a young wife who had no means of supporting you and you got one. She confessed to you before the wedding you still went ahead because your priority wasnt a helpmate but a younger woman.
I dont know what to say, you got your wife pregnant again without proper planning, you made all these decisions by your self, these are the consequence of those decisions.
Marriage is beyond looks and age, its proper fore sight, planning and commitment. Sit back and draw up a realistic plan, like what can she do? Can she get any Job or start any small business? I understand the CS but why spend so much on a naming ceremony? I have issues with Nigerians and Love for show, why not just do child dedication? simple prayers and name your child no need to gather the whole community and end up in debt, in short no need to give birth to a child when you cannot properly plan for them, what of pampers, school fees etc?
Go back and draw a plan for both of you, a realistic one, take your wife to a family planning clinic and get her on a plan now before she gets another baby. You both need to work together and build something, marriage is not just for S3x and wearing ase obi, its for planning, working and supporting each other.

I share in your pains. The reason most guys between your age range remain single is just because of marital problems (most especially the financial aspect).
Bros, you can't afford a divorce not to even think of running away. Let me ask you, what were you thinking when you are signing the contract, oh, is it for better for stay, for worse for go?
Pull yourself together man, bridge the communication gap between you and your wife.

*sigh*

Plan Plan Plan, Nigerians please, everyday I hammer to young and intending couples, plan plan plan,. minimize unnecessary expenses. When will we learn to properly plan, A former Expatriate Boss said we under achieve and over celebrate, that is the bane of our problem, we borrow to eat and dance, the simpler you make your life the easier it goes, life is full of challenges but with planning you make it bearable.
Tell madam to sit up, time to hustle, no more house wife.

@ Poster, you've been given a lot of good advice here. Please heed them.

In addition to what's been said to you, I'd also like to encourage you. Marriage as you know is NOT a walk in the park. It's like a garden. If you tend to it well, pay a lot of love, dedication and show lots of patience and understanding, it'll bloom.

You've only been married for 1 year. The first couple of years are the most difficult financially and emotionally. This is because, as a young couple, you're both still finding your feet. It's even more difficult when the kids start coming into the picture too. You're 30 years old - a fully fledged adult, and I'd like to believe a mature one too. Be patient with your wife. Explain to her the situation of things. She's young but she'll learn. Let her know what you're going through, after all, a problem shared is a problem halved. Also, learn to cut your coat according to your size.

Running away from a problem is never the solution. The problem would still remain. Don't think about divorce either. Give your union a chance and all will be well.

Take heart and all the best!

I am confuzzled here. @Poster, why are you trying to make it seem like your wife is to blame? From what you said, she has not done anything wrong, so what are you on about?

You are the one who got married and is not broke. So be an adult, and suck it up!!! You are not a kid anymore! You cannot just bail when things get hard, and try to blame others for it.

You wanted to get married, now you are married. But it seems you think because you are broke, you can bail? Heck no . . . If you do, I hope you will never have peace for the rest of your life until you make amends.

u had banker female friends but u wanted a younger woman - u got it

u had older female friends who were probably educated - u wanted a younger fresh wife - u went for it

now that u have seen that all that glitters in not gold u now saw ur losing ur mind - see life - u don't even have problems in ur marriage and u want to run, u see how some men reason!!

ur wife had a CS - i know its been 4 months but honestly some women are really not in the mood for it and depending on how well she did or didn't recover she may not even feel confident to get back on that horse (I had a CS it took me 6 good months to recover) so u see some women can have sex after 2 weeks others 9 months - that is life.

U need to suck it up and bring God into ur marriage - u sit down and talk to ur wife share ur worries ask her if she is ok, help her with the baby try and get close to her so that spark can come back - upon all u saw u still married her out of love and now cos of one small problem ur complaining.

as for having no money - what can we NLs do for u and please don't list the CS as an expense it kind of irritates me when someone complains about the cost of childbirth.

Sounds like you are just overwhelmed by your responsibilities . You can't run away from them you are grown and married , so start facing each challenge head on ask God for wisdom and get close to wife so she can support you in anyway ( for now she cant support you financially but she can prayerfully support you)

Also take debriefs advice about getting on family planning .

You see rich BANKER, you no marry am. Na vaargin toto dey sweet you. Oga manage your wife. Debrief is very on point. Family planning and manage. Get a job and forget the unrealistic dream of starting your own business. You have mouths and family to feed.

Also, wifey might want to start a small shop, selling brazillins weaves or anything else she can sell to make money (tomatoes, and such).

@Camrygmail put it rightly, dude is just overwhelmed by his responsibilities.
Follow debrief's advice and PLAN! The problem isnt with your wife, its with your lack/bad planning

ayikondu: Hello nairalanders! I'v actually been a guest on dis forum for a while and found it interesting so I decided to register. I now need help on a serious issue bothering my mind and I hope you guys can help out.
I'm 30yrs married to 25yr old lady with a 4-month old son. We met in 2008 during my service year and she told me she was in unilorin 200 level biz admin so we started a relationship, It wasn't so serious then cos she was always in school and only come to lagos only on holidays.
I finishes my service and got a job in a bank at which I worked only 1 year before I resigned and started my business. All these while I was busy with work and stuffs so d r/ship was more of a phone thingy plus I thought she would have someone in school anyway. I realised I had feelings for dis lady and decided to pursue dis lady even though I had some banker ladies ready to settle down with me but I wanted someone younger .
We started dating seriously and I proposed 3months later which she accepted, all was going on fine until abt 3 months to our Introduction when she came crying one day dat she has a confession to make. She said wen actually met a few years back, she did actually lie abt d unilorin biz admin thingy dat she was doing pre degree course there and unfortunately she was unable to get in to study the main course and dat she just gained admission into federal poly ado-ekiti 2010 and the stories went on like dat, even her parent sent for me and started pleading dat I can cancel d intro but if I really love their daughter things can still work out. Even though I felt akward and betrayed, I still went ahead cos I was in love and I felt I was making enough to sustain d marriage.
We got marriedin july 2011(sponsored by me and my family cos dem no too get) and she got pregnant immediately. Issues just started happenin like business going down too many expenses I wasn't expecting, basically it was chocking having to carry all d responsibilities and wen she was gonna give birth again like 4 months ago, I spent almost 800k (300 for d CS, 200k for new house rent and like 300 for naming and baby stuffs) which she doesn't appreciate much as she thinks I'm just doing my duty and to confess, I'm broke now as Iv been spending my capital.
I can't continue like dis as der is nothing exciting abt d marriage anymore, all d attn is on the new baby and we have not even had sex since d 6th month of d pregnancy. Too many issues but not to bore you guy, I'll need ur honest advice as I'm planning to divorce or run away ... Pls HELP!

At the end of the day, you've not had punny and you want to run away?

If you run away from this marriage I don't think you will ever marry again. Because you will need to face responsibilities, hardship, and challenges. If you jump up every time when the challenges come run away, then you may as well keep running from life. And abt the childbirth and sex, women take sometimes to heal after birth. Some women take even longer. Pamper. Your wife with love doing this period and don't give her headache about sex. Offcourse you are a man and ur sexual needs need to be met but this is where good communication need to come in. You and ur wife can have some other type of sex apart from intercourse, esp for ur sake cuz. right now her sex drive is really low and you need to understand that. I also understand that your wife is not as appreciative as you would like. Again communication communication, sit here down and tell her the truth. She probably don't realize what she's doing is wrong. Marriage is a coming together of two totally different people from different family background. So you way of thinking, behavior, and views may differ from each other a bit. You have to learn to settled ur differences and grow together as a couple. Maybe your wife has the mentality of. "That's a man job he must do it" equally so, we women need to be encouraging and supportive so that he continues doing it with pleasure.

Your wife sounds traditional, but it seems she never learnt to appreciate her husbands work.

Gently explain to her ur issues nd that if its not sorted it will get bigger surely that will wake her up as a woman.

As for u in a way she's rite. Maybe u can help her gain independence but in the end it was ur decision to marry one who's family r struggling.

Think of these issues as simple, but big if not sorted. COMMUNICATION!

She led you to think she would graduate a few years down the line leading you to believe that she would be gainfully employed by the time you wife her.


She'd rather you spend all your hard earned capital you set aside for business on her and her frivolities yet does not appreciate you, resulting in your business going down!


You have not had s.ex with your wife for 7/8 months!


Welcome to the world of Nigerian women where their lifelong goal is to end up getting married with kids, regardless of whether their Husband is sinking or swimming.


I don't blame you for going with your heart and marrying for love, but things certainly cannot continue like this so my suggestion is to find some elders who can talk sense into her before she runs down your life with her poverty mentality.


Saying this though, I can't really blame your wife 100% because the fault somewhat lies with you too not setting aside some contingency funds for your business for unforeseen expenses that "always" crops up when going down the self employed route.

ayikondu: Hello nairalanders! I'v actually been a guest on dis forum for a while and found it interesting so I decided to register. I now need help on a serious issue bothering my mind and I hope you guys can help out.
I'm 30yrs married to 25yr old lady with a 4-month old son. We met in 2008 during my service year and she told me she was in unilorin 200 level biz admin so we started a relationship, It wasn't so serious then cos she was always in school and only come to lagos only on holidays.
I finishes my service and got a job in a bank at which I worked only 1 year before I resigned and started my business. All these while I was busy with work and stuffs so d r/ship was more of a phone thingy plus I thought she would have someone in school anyway. I realised I had feelings for dis lady and decided to pursue dis lady even though I had some banker ladies ready to settle down with me but I wanted someone younger .
We started dating seriously and I proposed 3months later which she accepted, all was going on fine until abt 3 months to our Introduction when she came crying one day dat she has a confession to make. She said wen actually met a few years back, she did actually lie abt d unilorin biz admin thingy dat she was doing pre degree course there and unfortunately she was unable to get in to study the main course and dat she just gained admission into federal poly ado-ekiti 2010 and the stories went on like dat, even her parent sent for me and started pleading dat I can cancel d intro but if I really love their daughter things can still work out. Even though I felt akward and betrayed, I still went ahead cos I was in love and I felt I was making enough to sustain d marriage.
We got marriedin july 2011(sponsored by me and my family cos dem no too get) and she got pregnant immediately. Issues just started happenin like business going down too many expenses I wasn't expecting, basically it was chocking having to carry all d responsibilities and wen she was gonna give birth again like 4 months ago, I spent almost 800k (300 for d CS, 200k for new house rent and like 300 for naming and baby stuffs) which she doesn't appreciate much as she thinks I'm just doing my duty and to confess, I'm broke now as Iv been spending my capital.
I can't continue like dis as der is nothing exciting abt d marriage anymore, all d attn is on the new baby and we have not even had sex since d 6th month of d pregnancy. Too many issues but not to bore you guy, I'll need ur honest advice as I'm planning to divorce or run away ... Pls HELP!

You had two options!

1. Marry a working woman who is almost the same age as you and split the cost of running a family with her!
2. Marry a younger woman who's jobless and bear the whole cost of running the family!

You chose option 2.

What exactly is the problem here?

You expect her to kill herself in gratitude just because you spent 300k on a naming ceremony

[s]Where do they make these men these days sef![/s]

ayikondu: Hello nairalanders! I'v actually been a guest on dis forum for a while and found it interesting so I decided to register. I now need help on a serious issue bothering my mind and I hope you guys can help out.
I'm 30yrs married to 25yr old lady with a 4-month old son. We met in 2008 during my service year and she told me she was in unilorin 200 level biz admin so we started a relationship, It wasn't so serious then cos she was always in school and only come to lagos only on holidays.
I finishes my service and got a job in a bank at which I worked only 1 year before I resigned and started my business. All these while I was busy with work and stuffs so d r/ship was more of a phone thingy plus I thought she would have someone in school anyway. I realised I had feelings for dis lady and decided to pursue dis lady even though I had some banker ladies ready to settle down with me but I wanted someone younger .
We started dating seriously and I proposed 3months later which she accepted, all was going on fine until abt 3 months to our Introduction when she came crying one day dat she has a confession to make. She said wen actually met a few years back, she did actually lie abt d unilorin biz admin thingy dat she was doing pre degree course there and unfortunately she was unable to get in to study the main course and dat she just gained admission into federal poly ado-ekiti 2010 and the stories went on like dat, even her parent sent for me and started pleading dat I can cancel d intro but if I really love their daughter things can still work out. Even though I felt akward and betrayed, I still went ahead cos I was in love and I felt I was making enough to sustain d marriage.
We got marriedin july 2011(sponsored by me and my family cos dem no too get) and she got pregnant immediately. Issues just started happenin like business going down too many expenses I wasn't expecting, basically it was chocking having to carry all d responsibilities and wen she was gonna give birth again like 4 months ago, I spent almost 800k (300 for d CS, 200k for new house rent and like 300 for naming and baby stuffs) which she doesn't appreciate much as she thinks I'm just doing my duty and to confess, I'm broke now as Iv been spending my capital.
I can't continue like dis as der is nothing exciting abt d marriage anymore, all d attn is on the new baby and we have not even had sex since d 6th month of d pregnancy. Too many issues but not to bore you guy, I'll need ur honest advice as I'm planning to divorce or run away ... Pls HELP!

op, don't mind the other posters - i move for starting a donation to get you back on track.
like how much do you think you need to restore you back to what you used to be?

^^ Don't be sarcastic Cooger. That's cruel.

debrief08: Plan Plan Plan, Nigerians please, everyday I hammer to young and intending couples, plan plan plan,. minimize unnecessary expenses. When will we learn to properly plan, A former Expatriate Boss said we under achieve and over celebrate, that is the bane of our problem, we borrow to eat and dance, the simpler you make your life the easier it goes, life is full of challenges but with planning you make it bearable.
Tell madam to sit up, time to hustle, no more house wife.

Debrief08, u are absolutely wonderful! I cherish ur words of encouragement. You are a good mother!

Poster, beside, you need GOD!

denzel2009:





At the end of the day, you've not had punny and you want to run away?

something like that

@ poster dat 3ook u spent on child naming was highly unreasonable,@ least when there are other serious things to do wit money as in ur case,however,am not saying u cant throw a naming party for ur 1st born but dat should be if u can afford it.it would have been beta if u used 5ok to do somtin small,if @ all u wanted to do namin den use d 25o k to set up a bisness for her,den again wen u know u cant feed a wife n a baby comfortably y didnt u use a condom,uve been makin wrong choices in sensitive matters and ure now blamin ur wife.in d 1st place it wud av bin beta if u both made contributions on house rent and basic financial responsibilities,d weight will have been lighter,then again i want to ask u a question,y didnt u marry d educated and employed lady,instead of a semi educated unemployed girl,y did u do dat? Anyway all hope is not lost,u can pick urself up n start again,nairalanders have given u good advice.she cannot continue to b a house wife,its takin its toll on u financially and psychologically and when things bcome rosy for u guys,she can go back to school.she cannot afford not to be educated in d 21st century,let her get a degree but 4 now set her up in a buisness,she can be doin computer typist in universities,@ least she will see students dat want to type term papers,projects,thesis,publishers too will want to type etc,its a lucrative bisness,at least ur wife will make like 1,5oo naira per work,so if ten students bring projects or thesis,dat will be 1,5oo times 10. So 15k per day is nt bad,@ least its beta dan notin.she her self will not b askin u for money for pad,money for bra etc

@poster,
cotton101 and debrief08 and some others have spoken well.
Your banker girlfriends may have made your marriage worse.Forget them.
Whatever happened in the past such as the lie should no longer hold as it is concluded you have forgiven her.So pls don't ever talk about it again to her or whoever you are no longer a child.

Women will always be women and it is important you value her as such.You have spent 800k no problem money gone and she does not appreciate, why,reason is poor communication.Now you are broke, what is the way forward?should be the question and not running away.

If you are not happy at home, you will never find joy anywhere.Love your wife like yourself.Create the atmosphere of joy in your home.It is your responsibility.Let her know how much you earn and how business is treating you.Learn to carry her along and you will see exactly how important she is in ur life especially if you brainstorm regularly with her.Once she is fit get her into business even if she is in school and let her do something too.

Sex,na wa, if you and your hubby can relate well then you will definitely know when she is good to go.Don't get pissed off because of that.She will want to make love as much as you do but if she is not fit then she won't do it.Also she may not oblige you because of how you feel towards her especially if you have been attacking her verbally.Make her feel loved and she will express that in return to you.

You will not remain broke.Just plan and work out ways you can improve your business and run with it.Also mind your spendings.

In conclusion,making amends with your wife is a must and do not act foolishly by checking out.Start by praying together with your wife and I see God making things work in your home.
Enjoy

@OP
I really sympathize with you. Don't mind all these expired puzzies giving you lecture, they are the enemy.

No one can describe the feeling a man gets when he learns the difference between "income" and "disposable income". It is a shock to the system and really rocks a guy. Most men go through this, my brother the truth is you have just started. No amount of planning can help you. Life for men is a constant struggle to stay ahead of the curb, as you get more money, they (these women ) think up more things to hammer you with. Let me give you a small example, you spent =N=300,000 on a naming ceremony, what do we say; it costs =N+6,000,000 per year paid up front for a child to do "A" level in the UK in a private school, secondary schools here are charging =N=1,000,000 per term.

So what is the answer? I can only tell you that you need to be on the road looking for money, when you find it pretend you didn't and look for some more. If (and when ) you need to De-stress find something you like to do - even if it is beating your wife for putting you in this position - and do it.

Long live men we are the salt of the earth.

Johndoe100: @OP
I really sympathize with you. Don't mind all these expired puzzies giving you lecture, they are the enemy.

No one can describe the feeling a man gets when he learns the difference between "income" and "disposable income". It is a shock to the system and really rocks a guy. Most men go through this, my brother the truth is you have just started. No amount of planning can help you. Life for men is a constant struggle to stay ahead of the curb, as you get more money, they (these women ) think up more things to hammer you with. Let me give you a small example, you spent =N=300,000 on a naming ceremony, what do we say; it costs =N+6,000,000 per year paid up front for a child to do "A" level in the UK in a private school, secondary schools here are charging =N=1,000,000 per term.

So what is the answer? I can only tell you that you need to be on the road looking for money, when you find it pretend you didn't and look for some more. If (and when ) you need to De-stress find something you like to do - even if it is beating your wife for putting you in this position - and do it.

Long live men we are the salt of the earth.

Playing devil's advocate again with your shock tatics?

So now you encourage lies, deceit and violence in a young marriage as this eh? @poster, please for the sake of your home, exercise caution when viewing responses such as these on a public forum. Only a f[i]oo[/i]lish man would use his hands to destroy his home.

OP sorry, but how can you spend capital of your business and expect it to stay afloat? You need to reorganise your life. If you can get a decent job, please do so. You're married and can't afford to get exposed to risks as if you're single. All the other things you complained about are things you should be able to resolve as the head of your home.

Johndoe100: @OP
I really sympathize with you. Don't mind all these expired puzzies giving you lecture, they are the enemy.

No one can describe the feeling a man gets when he learns the difference between "income" and "disposable income". It is a shock to the system and really rocks a guy. Most men go through this, my brother the truth is you have just started. No amount of planning can help you. Life for men is a constant struggle to stay ahead of the curb, as you get more money, they (these women ) think up more things to hammer you with. Let me give you a small example, you spent =N=300,000 on a naming ceremony, what do we say; it costs =N+6,000,000 per year paid up front for a child to do "A" level in the UK in a private school, secondary schools here are charging =N=1,000,000 per term.

So what is the answer? I can only tell you that you need to be on the road looking for money, when you find it pretend you didn't and look for some more. If (and when ) you need to De-stress find something you like to do - even if it is beating your wife for putting you in this position - and do it.

Long live men we are the salt of the earth.

Cretin!

Efemena_xy:

Playing devil's advocate again with your shock tatics?

So now you encourage lies, deceit and violence in a young marriage as this eh? @poster, please for the sake of your home, exercise caution when viewing responses such as these on a public forum. Only a f[i]oo[/i]lish man would use his hands to destroy his home.

Right, your husband is always truthful. Tell that to your baby. Do you know what it feels like to spend that kind of money?

The honeymoon is over and reality strikes!

I do sympathise with the way you're feeling - many men often go through this 'shock' phase especially if they have kids soon after getting married and if they are carrying all the financial responsibilities. Just a year ago you were just a man running his business living well, now you have to be a husband, a father and a breadwinner too, while running the business and getting no sex as well. My brother, like Yoruba people say ko easy lati je omokunrin - it's not easy being a man.

You need to wake up and face reality - what is done is done. I could spend pages saying why did you get her preggers so early when you didn't have sufficient funds, or that you should have planned better and so on, but that is all history.

You just need to relax, calm down and approach the situation methodically. If you have any excess expenditure, cut it out so you can keep your family provided for (1st priority) and grow your business. Manage your finances by cutting your cloth accordingly and try to get a job if the business is not working out. If you couldn't afford 300k naming, you didn't have to do it - that should be your philosophy from now, only what you can afford!

I agree with your wife that you are simply doing your duty (though she should be appreciative) - who else will take care of your family if not you?

Kids always shake up marriages, and the lack of sex doesn't help either. Like CC said, discuss that aspect with her to find out what the issue is, but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE - use PROTECTION or get her long term contraceptives. If you think life is dull with one child, it will be dull x 1,000,000 with two kids to feed in your present state.

Don't give up - things will get better with time. Just don't blame your wife - you knew she was a student when you married her, and you willingly did so. Don't regret what has happened, just use it to learn lessons and forge ahead.

Sagamite has come to insult the poster and chaircover finds it funny. There is nothing funny about calling someone a slowpoke. Chaircover, pls get a grip. I'm sure you wouldn't want some to do that to you