Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: - Romance - Nairaland
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| Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 3:13am On Dec 28, 2007 |
I am looking for advice about my Nigerian Husband, I am not Nigerian. We seem to have a lot of dissagreements, sometimes I dont understand what I may have done to provoke his anger. Perhaps it is just a difference of culture I am not sure. I know that he loves me that is not the issue. I just dont understand where is anger comes from at times. Especially about food?? I dont get it, why is food so important that it would cause such a disruption in the house? The latest, he ran out of food that I had prepared in the fridge, but I did not know that he did. He said that I was not paying attention, if I was paying attention I would have known, but he put the empty containers back in the fridge, should I be monitoring the containers? He said I treated him like an animal, I was shocked and appalled. He can cook and has done so, why suddenly must I be pursecuted over food? I am not used to this emphasis on food. I cook special for him, he does not always like what else has been prepared I must make sure that I prepare some thing extra for him that he will like, even if that means cooking 2 meals. I have gone out of my way about this subject for him, but it never seems to be enough. Sometimes I think he acts like a spoiled child about things (like the food) maybe I am just missunderstanding him. I would like some honest replies here no BS. Thanks. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 3:31am On Dec 28, 2007 |
O.k my bit which might not be worth much as I am not married but have Nigerian parents is this. In general food is the way to a man's heart is what I have heard but yes he is acting as a spoiled child. Some Nigerian men think it is degrading for them to cook even if they can, it is written in the DNA code that women should do the cooking so, Your situation which is typical is funny especially putting of the empty dish back into the fridge and complaining. The only cultural misunderstaning is the fact that your are not used to such behavior apart from that many Nigerian men behave that way. I call it role reversal, many other cultures pamper their women, the Nigerian culture is the pampering of the men. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 3:42am On Dec 28, 2007 |
WOW thanks for being the brave one to answer me first. I understand all tha about food being the way to a mans heart. I was really shocked by his behavior its not like I had the oversight on purpose. It was a mistake. perhaps I should just let it go and move on, I am just trying to understand. He seems to have an outrageous jealous streak as well. Please dont misunderstand, I love and respect my husband, I just dont always understand him, and desperately want to. He will cook for himself if he craves something that I dont know how to cook, I would say 96% of the time I cook for him. perhaps there are some others who would be willing just to give some serious advice to help me out, if not about the food issue then about some other topic that strikes as important for a non Nigerian Wife to know. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by iice(f): 3:43am On Dec 28, 2007 |
wendymanda: Word!! The world revolves around the man |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Bhola(f): 3:46am On Dec 28, 2007 |
There is a thread on that, non-Nigerians married to Nigerians. Check under the family section, I think. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by uspry1(f): 3:52am On Dec 28, 2007 |
Here is existing threads you might find lot of helpful links I posted previously on the topic at below: American and Nigerian Love https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-99477.0.html#msg1754143 |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by bjluv: 3:59am On Dec 28, 2007 |
im glad i do the kitchens in my own household but for the past 3days, i havent been able to see the kitchen due to work/projects and all that man stuffs. Buy hey, your man should really understand that this is a relationship and both of u need to work together if your team will eventually win at all. Please endeavour to talk him to his senses---even if food is the way to a man's heart, that shouldnt make him an FFO and cocky head  Sorry but true---a man should be able to work hard and be the ONE to his family. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 4:03am On Dec 28, 2007 |
WOW thanks for being the brave one to answer me first. I understand all tha about food being the way to a mans heart. I was really shocked by his behavior its not like I had the oversight on purpose. It was a mistake. perhaps I should just let it go and move on, I am just trying to understand. He seems to have an outrageous jealous streak as well. Please don't misunderstand, I love and respect my husband, I just don't always understand him, and desperately want to. He will cook for himself if he craves something that I don't know how to cook, I would say 96% of the time I cook for him. perhaps there are some others who would be willing just to give some serious advice to help me out, if not about the food issue then about some other topic that strikes as important for a non Nigerian Wife to know. Your welcome, even though I don't know you I think he loves you as much as you love him except some Nigerian men were grown to show affection not by hugging and kissing and repeating it but by working and I guess marrying. The fact that he married you to him is one of the main assurances of love, I guess you should be happy for his jealous streaks. His being jealous shows that he loves you and realizes your good enough to be appreciated by other men, however if his jealousy becomes physical abuse then that is not typical and you need to get other help. Otherwise check the link uspry 1 gave you, she is really good at finding links of previously covered topics. Follow the yellow brick road as directed by uspry 1. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 4:26am On Dec 28, 2007 |
I have no doubts about his love for me. I also know that he would never raise a hand to me. My husband is actually very affectionate that is not an issue. Some of the things that I have read in the links I really do not relate to. My husband genuinely tries to cross barriers. I know that he realises that the cultural differences are more than either of us thought would be. My concern is when problems arise that I really am clueless about. I hope that I can find some good wisdom on this website, I dont really have anyone else to talk to about this that would understand that culture does play a big part in our misunderstandings/disagreements. I want to understand him completely and the way that his mind works, how he see things, I want to try to see through his eyes and truly understand. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 5:05am On Dec 28, 2007 |
Good luck in your endevours. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by ima1(f): 9:37am On Dec 28, 2007 |
its a typical Nigerian man behavior, my Dad is that way, he shouts about things that are meaningless, my mum is an african american woman and she is used to him shouting. its funny because my dad eats whatever he wants even what he is not supposed to eat cuz he is diabetic and when my mum says something he shouts - do you want me to starve in my own house-, but days later he complains that my mum is trying to make him fat with food. i love my dad but he is a real pain in the ass. so it is typical of a nigerian man to shout over food, i would say you should expect more of his behavior, they don't feel like they should go into the kitchen to cook, but putting the plates back in the fridge, that is just childish. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by rosquare(m): 4:50pm On Dec 28, 2007 |
@ima1, i dont agree with you that it is typical of a nigerian man to shout over food. in as much as i would agree with you that putting the empty plate in the fridge is childish, you dont expect the man to go to the kitchen and cook for himself after a hard day's work. thot the wife was to complement and help him. i'm not saying that a man should never cook. its like you ladies prefer a man that will come home and serve you dinner after a hard days work. what is wrong with a man deciding to voice out his pains? i tire oo |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Busta(f): 5:08pm On Dec 28, 2007 |
rosquare:Why can't he cook for himself or better still cook once in a while for his wife. Making it sound like he married her just to be his cook. rosquare:and he is not supposed to help her and compliment her too? What about her? what is she works too? u gotta consider that she is a wife and not a slave. . .how was she to remember or know that there was no more food left? Geez! no one is perfect u know. @ topic, I will suggest that u sit him down and let him know about how u feel in terms of him getting worked up over food. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Bossman(m): 6:27pm On Dec 28, 2007 |
Ask him to cook his own damn food! What's the big deal? How are you supposed to know when he leave the pot empty. I cook or the wife cooks. It depends on who feels like it or who has the time. It's a dynamic world out there. People are busy and will not always have time to cook some damn stew or whatever. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by adeboo(f): 6:46pm On Dec 28, 2007 |
I really believe in trying to understand a man's culture before u marry him. Its just so sad when u dont understand them - Nija men are the most complex on earth. I really feel its a nija woman that can handle them (thats ma opinion). Girl, i think u should make friends with a nija woman that can tell u what those men want. Nijamen are very complex and willalways be - i love them alot but you need a heart of iron to handle them. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 2:18am On Dec 29, 2007 |
We had many discussions about the cultural differences BEFORE we got married, he did not seem to think that they were a big deal, I think that now he sees that it is a much bigger deal than he first thought, and that it is not easy. Finding a Nigerian woman to befriend I dont think will be easy for me where I live. Not to mention I am horribly shy (in person) untill I feel comfortable with someone. As far as expecting a man to cook after a hard days work, why is it ok for a woman to cook after she has worked all day?? This is not something that I think I should let pass by with him without having a good conversation about my feelings. I do at times feel like a slave to the stove. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 2:20am On Dec 29, 2007 |
Did you have a cooking agreement? |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Bhola(f): 2:28am On Dec 29, 2007 |
adeboo: I share that same opinion. Nigerian men are way too complex. A Nigerian woman is what a Nigerian man needs. Everything can never be explained or talked about, which is why I am usually against inter-cultural marriages. Not that they don't work, it just takes a lot more to make it work. Yes, poster you need a Nigerian female friend to try and help you. Most people do not consider all there is in an inter-cultural marriage before they go into it. It's just different and I can't explain it. All the best though. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 2:55am On Dec 29, 2007 |
No we did not have a "cooking agreement" I did not know that one was needed. I understand all of those who oppose to inter-cultural marriages, but to clear the air a little, (not start a riot) my husband has firmly stated many times that he does not care for Nigerian Woman. He says that among other things he is not physically attracted to them. I grew up in an inter-cultural household I understood the challenges beforehand. I always knew that this was not going to be easy, but my friends life is not easy, life is full of challenges. I am not afraid of the challenge only trying to better understand that is all. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 3:05am On Dec 29, 2007 |
I was kidding about the cooking agreement thing. So what culture or race are you? What country are you so that maybe if a Nigerian female is there they can stay in contact unless your husband does not want to have anythign to do with a Nigerian man. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by majik1: 3:09am On Dec 29, 2007 |
Well I am an American, my father was from the middle east and my mother an American. I am in the US. I know there are Nigerians here, just not really in our nieghboorhood. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 3:36am On Dec 29, 2007 |
So your husband is only attracted to white women and anything not Nigerian, happy for you and him based on your description you have given me I think you did Nigerian women a favor by taking his kind out of our hands. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Nobody: 4:35am On Dec 29, 2007 |
wendymanda: That was totally uncalled for and smacks of a hint of racism. Everyone is entitled to whoever they want as a mate without being judged. As to the topic, you dont seem to have a problem as such. Your husband is only behaving like a spoilt child, talk to him and he might learn to calm down. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 4:51am On Dec 29, 2007 |
That was totally uncalled for and smacks of a hint of racism. Absolutely no hint of racism on my part, her husband is the one that wants nothing to do with Nigerian women not her. I have no problems with her and I meant what I said about her taking kinds like him out of our hands. If he had been married to a Nigerian women and behaving like that his behavior would not be criticized but it would be the Nigerian woman that would be held responsible. Yes everyone can mate with their choice no qualms about that, and everyone is also entitled to their opionion and in mine am happy he found her and the problem is cultural difference rather than the craziness of a Nigerian woman. The way you misread my post is probably the confusion that arises where people think that Nigerian women are angry and jealous when Nigerian men marry other women. It don't bother me none, what ever rocks your boat. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Busta(f): 5:44am On Dec 29, 2007 |
@wendymanda, I agree with davidylan. do not say what u do not know. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by iice(f): 6:53am On Dec 29, 2007 |
rosquare: Are you like in the 19th century?  Man come house after hard day's work indeed. . .the woman nko? Is she not working too? Or it never occurred to you that the woman could/may be a working wife. . .She's supposed to be a stay at home wife shebi? Like i said, it revolves around the man. . .some are cannot see beyond that.@Poster. . .i don't think you have much of a problem. Just talk to him. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by wendymanda: 3:34pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
@wendymanda, Please explain |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by adeboo(f): 7:04pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
@Poster, see ur man may say that he isnt attracted to nija women but you better keep ur eyes peeled cause they say that but end up going back to nija and marrying one. He only told u that so that u dont suspect him when he is around them. U may have grown up with different culture but neither of them is Nija - see what happened when u discussed the cultural issue 0 he said it didnt matter but now it obviously does. Nija men will always say one thing and mean another (ma personal opinion o abeg). |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Nobody: 7:08pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
adeboo: Good thing you ended all that piffle by making it clear it was just your oppinion, no matter how flawed and misinformed it may be. You dont know all Nigerian men neither can you attempt to speak for them all. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by adeboo(f): 7:19pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
davidylan: Yes its ma opinion and i do not speak if i havent seen or had it happen to someone. You can speak for urself, u may not be like the nija men that i know but thats what ma opinion is. Stop picking someone else's opinion apart and give the girl ur own. @Poster, girl i am just saying all this cause i know ma men and i have been around them especially the ones that marry non - nija ones - all am saying to u is that u are now married to him, try and make it work out. He is gonna act like this (like he did with the fridge incident). You just have to sit down and speak with him and address the issue - am sure u love him and want this to work out thats why u even care. Girl like i said, if u are good friends with his female relatives, they would best advise u on what to do. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by Nobody: 7:21pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
@ adeboo, you bet i did leave my 2 pence earlier on, i'm just not comfortable with people who are only interested in sowing the seeds of mistrust in her heart simply because she is foreign. You have not met more than 500 Nigerian men, you thus cannot assume to know her husband better than she does. |
| Re: Help With Nigerian Husband And Misunderstandings: by adeboo(f): 7:28pm On Dec 29, 2007 |
I know that statement was a bit much - but i just got to prepare her for what may be. Yes i have met more than 500 nija men for sure. I have seen how they treat women that arent from their country and its just wrong. I totally understand that she knows her husband more than me - however, if she could handle the situation then she wont be here asking our opinions. @Poster, girl am not saying he is cheating or whatever am just saying be on the look out (no man can say he isnt attracted to nija women) they dont have nija women stamped on their heads on first contact. Girl just get a female nija friend or his relative to help u out - and if u are a praying woman, get on ur knees and pray. |
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