I have been married close to two years to a Yoruba man who is 26. I'm 30 and had two children from a previous relationship. Btw: I'm American. I have known many Nigerians and my best friend is Nigerian, so I'm somewhat knowledgeable about the cultural. In the beginning my husband claimed to love me and that he had the opportunity to marry someone else but he didn't love them. He told me that he did need my help though, and if I didn't help him he'd find someone who would. I was already in love and was convinced at the time he loved me. After marriage we began having many problems...from communication and other issues. My best friends parents who are Igbo demanded to meet him BC they didn't feel right about the marriage and that it was sincere. At their home they asked him many questions and explained to him that I was their African daughter who was born in America and if he hurt me or was using me, they would find him and hurt him. He promised he was serious and loved me. Other Nigerians I know told him the same. Yet our relationship became volatile and we separated. I told him I wouldn't file until he showed he wasn't using me and that he was fully committed. When I said I wouldn't file...he would act nice again. Then things got very bad and so I called his mom, sister, and eldest brother in Lagos. They begged me not divorce him and promised to speak with him. His mother always told me she loved me and I was her American daughter. He refused to speak English and stayed on the phone often. O even found a disk which looked like someone was apart of a 419 scam. He has lied about things but said he would do better. I became pregnant and he has his first and only child which is a boy. They adore him and my husband loves that child soo much. I called my husbands bluff and I told him I would file for him but eventually I wanted a divorce BC the differences were too much. He said he didn't want that and he loved me. I told him I was scared he would hurt me, and my 2nd mom and other Nigerians I know have told me stories about green card scams. I love my husband and sometimes he barely says two words to me. He wants to hang out with his friends alot. He's obsessed with his phone and what whatsapp. I know his good friend advises him what to say to him and I even call the friend for advice to. He has let me speak to a few of his friends in Nigeria. He is secretive about his past. Were currently receiving marriage counseling by our pastor. I just want to know if this is real or not. Sometimes it seems he's pretending, other times it seems real. I wonder if he will change once he gets green card. We do still have a very active sex life and my husband can't seem to get enough of me, but I'm not sure about everything. I've been faithful but I'm not sure he has. He promises he's faithful. He's very childish and I keep asking him to mature and be the husband and father I need him to be. Sometimes I feel like I'm raising another child. His mom said we both need more patience and to pray together. Things will be going good for a couple days, then he stops his moms advice completely, even after I remind him. He's very inconsistent and many months ago he told me I love him too much. Who says that?? Sometimes he doesn't seem to care when other guys flirt with me, but other times he demands why I didn't answer my phone or who am I talking to. Please, any advice will help.

Only your hubby can answer this truthfully.
Although he's body language says a lot about him. , I will fault you in one aspect, which is telling the whole world about you marital issues. .

[color=#99000] Besides, it seems all you are concerned about is the green card issue and nothing about you adding value to the marriage. [/color]

He is emotionally immature.
U married a baby and green is on his mind.

This is soooo complex wallahhi!wao wao! He's really goT lots on his hands,honestly I think u r hiding some of your own habits frtom us.I think he loves you for two thingsS; 1-green card.2- Love !!

Ask him.

1st of ol, i see a big gap btw u n ur hobbie, n dis gap shuld b bridged bf u sign any tin fr him. Buh if it dosnt, n u stil wanna sign fr him, u r on ur own. If he dosnt change nw, he wil never change.

@jeffizy.....if the world can offer me wisdom in my situation...then so be it. This is my life and innocent children are involved. Besides....I haven't given my name and city, state.

If I wasn't interested in adding value to the marriage...why do you think were currently receiving marriage counseling? Yes..knowing whether this is his sole purpose and whether he plans to stick around after is important to me. I've invested alot.

I hope u know this site is hardly the right place to get marriage counselling... It is full of freaks and sadists and their opinion would do you more harm than gud... There are gud pple too... Just talk to your husband about it... Quit telling the world and nairalanders about ur marital problems

this is a complex issue and i will be willing to help me, Mail me on saemmanuel@ovi.com

He is a boy, u re a woman, tame him. Honestly it's all in ur hands.
Besides, u just joined nairaland today, u sud have been a member a long time ago so as to know more abt Nigeria nd Nigerians.

@njokusboy....I haven't come here for my marriage counseling. My husband and I receive marriage counseling thru our Pastor who is a licensed psychologist. This is my first time on the site...so I'm not sure what you mean. I came here BC Nigerians are the ones who know the culture and can provide the most useful knowledge as to whether this appears to be mostly cultural or whether it does send to be green card related. There are 7 billion people in the world. I haven't listen personal information. I could be anyone.

Jst becareful and watch him thoroughly our nigerian guys can do or promise u anytin to get dat green card and wen dey finally have it they change.is mum tellin u to be patience knows dat witout u he can get dat green card abeg dnt listen to is mum cos wen he get dat green card his mum may nt even remember u even exist,be prayerful watch him closely and take ur time and I repeat again nigerian guys can do anytin to get dat paper called green card shine ur eyes and becareful.

@heykims...hmm..soo true. I was a bit naive to these types of situations. I have always had great relationships with Nigerians.

saemmanuel: this is a complex issue and i will be willing to help me, Mail me on saemmanuel@ovi.com

a prove of help to fellow american

Would he do or say these things after we have a son together? Everyone knows him as my husband. Would he do such things and ruin his reputation? He claims he wants to be apart of our sons life and he doesn't believe in divorce. But he said he's willing to do what I wish, but he does think I should hell him BC I'm his wife.

We are only human beings. We can only judge with what we see...as judging with what we feel or imagine can end up wrongly.

He may actually love you as his wife but given his behavior and past experiences western women go through in the hands of our brothers....its safe to say he is using you solely for green card.

I still wish to encourage you to play out your own role as the mother of his child. Cos deep down in you, you knew what he wanted you for but you thot you will be able to get him to love you for real if you have a kid for him.

Whatever it is, dude got to pay child's support and help in raising his kid....so it will be your loss now if you deny him that.

Thanks for offering your help, but I never give my personal email or information to anyone.

@Nuzo...Im a very honest person and I can assure you that is a wrong assessment of me. My husband is actually the one who pushed us having a child and even wants another baby now. I told him I didn't want to have anymore BC we have three in all...all boys. I'm not a mind reader and I never would've married a man who wanted me solely for a green card BC I deserve better than that and I honor GOD. I'm a very intelligent woman...and I know from personal experience that a baby can't keep a man. Child support is the last thing Im worried about.

He nor his family needs me. They are a well to do family and have sent him money here several times, including when they found out about the baby.

proverbs83: Would he do or say these things after we have a son together? Everyone knows him as my husband. Would he do such things and ruin his reputation? He claims he wants to be apart of our sons life and he doesn't believe in divorce. But he said he's willing to do what I wish, but he does think I should hell him BC I'm his wife.

You see why I said the guy may not have married you for green card.

Hear you: "He said he's willing to do what I Wish".

You may have been bossing him around and trying to shut him down cos of his visa status. You also confirmed this in your opening post where you said you were going to divorce him so he won't get a green card....except he changes.

Not so many will keep loving someone who gives them such condition.

If I were you, I will sit him down and assure him of my willingness to see the process to the end whether he acts right or keep being a jerk.

People naturally have this tendency of reciprocating acts of kindness without ulterior motives.

wait o, sebi u talk say na American u be?
y yr essay con be like say na 8 yr old write am?

proverbs83: @Nuzo...Im a very honest person and I can assure you that is a wrong assessment of me. My husband is actually the one who pushed us having a child and even wants another baby now. I told him I didn't want to have anymore BC we have three in all...all boys. I'm not a mind reader and I never would've married a man who wanted me solely for a green card BC I deserve better than that and I honor GOD. I'm a very intelligent woman...and I know from personal experience that a baby can't keep a man. Child support is the last thing Im worried about.

My mistake then. I apologize for assessing you wrongly.
I hope you take the relevant advice in my last post.

God bless.

proverbs83: He nor his family needs me. They are a well to do family and have sent him money here several times, including when they found out about the baby.

Even the most irrational and wicked mother in law will sacrifice her life for her grandchildren.

I'm not saying that's the case here.

@Deva1....Im sorry but I'm not an expert in broken English...but I think you're attempting to insult the way I wrote post?? Perhaps...you're right, I was in a rush and taking care of my infant. Thanks for the laugh though.

@Nuzo....yes...you're correct to say that I have told him I wouldn't file for him if he didn't change. However, I assure you that it wasn't BC I wanted to boss him around. I really became tired of all the problems and I honestly felt soo stressed and that I wouldn't be able to help him. Even if he leaves I will be ok, although I love him and I'd like to continue to stay married after he obtains his papers. I love him and I think we could be a great couple. Recently an ex called me after two years and offered to help us move. My husband became very jealous and I asked my ex never to call me again. So...i guess you have opened my eyes to some instances where he does seem to care,unless he's faking. But...it seemed very genuine. Thank U

His mother and family have been very kind and I pray this is a rare instance of a marriage for love. His mom is sweet as pumpkin pie and is even coming here to help take care of the baby. I'm very prayerful.

This is the main problem when the other party doesn't have green card, then the other person will start having doubt maybe he/she loves because of green card.

1. I think he's not yet matured to handle marital affairs.

2. I can't really conclude if he wants you because of green card or not.

3. Stop threathening him with divorce

4. You already have a kid together and he's willing to have another...well I think he loves you cos someone whose intention is to marry you for green would not even want to have a child with you. At max just 1 not talkless of 2.

5. With time he will get matured and I think you are been over-worried too much that y he said u love him too much lol.

In conclusion, stop thinking he married u cos of green paper, just concentrate on your marriage and try to make it work.

faakay: This is the main problem when the other party doesn't have green card, then the other person will start having doubt maybe he/she loves because of green card.

1. I think he's not yet matured to handle marital affairs.

2. I can't really conclude if he wants you because of green card or not.

3. Stop threathening him with divorce

4. You already have a kid together and he's willing to have another...well I think he loves you cos someone whose intention is to marry you for green would not even want to have a child with you. At max just 1 not talkless of 2.

5. With time he will get matured and I think you are been over-worried too much that y he said u love him too much lol.

In conclusion, stop thinking he married u cos of green paper, just concentrate on your marriage and try to make it work.

Nice input, tho I take exception to number 4.

There are some men who wishes to have children from a particular woman but may not really love or wish to commit so much to the relationship.
I mean, given that the lady in question is not interested in his contribution to the welfare of the kid could be a plus for any douchebag father.

She is also intelligent...and every man would want such characteristics in his children.

Again, I'm not saying it the case for the young man here.

Try and assume for one second that there's no green card involved and face this head-long as an adult! Marriage is no joke and there are marriages without green card issues going through worse. The part where you automatically attribute major challenges in your relationship to green card matters is bot helping. Cos dt way, you'll always be right and he'll always be wrong! Take the green card off your mind and work on your marriage lyk you both have everything to lose if things don't work out!

Good luck!

proverbs83: @njokusboy....I haven't come here for my marriage counseling. My husband and I receive marriage counseling thru our Pastor who is a licensed psychologist. This is my first time on the site...so I'm not sure what you mean. I came here BC Nigerians are the ones who know the culture and can provide the most useful knowledge as to whether this appears to be mostly cultural or whether it does send to be green card related. There are 7 billion people in the world. I haven't listen personal information. I could be anyone.

There's nothing cultural in being an azzhole. In describing ur husband u described the characteristics of an azzhole and its not a Nigerian thing

U wanna knw the truth.
1) He is immature
2) He wants that green card
3) Once he gets the green card, things are only gona get worse between you two
4) Ofcoz he luvs his child plus wanting another child from you does not means he is gona stick with you forever

I might b wrong. But majority guyz who would ordinaryly not get married at age 26 in naija but can get married at that age to an older woman in a developed country, are just out for the green card.
I said majority not all. Be on the alert, don't be fooled plus communicate extensively with him. Noone outside ur marriage can really help you. Its gona be between the both of you.