debrief08:
Madam, I learnt from my experience and spent years rebuilding my life, If someone had spoken to me this way earlier I would have made a quicker decision, all the advice i got was cook and clean cook , s3x, obey, dont speak, till i almost disappeared.
I dont wish any woman will have to go through what I went through before they learn to say enough is enough and love themselves. It took me so much work and when women speak out instead of letting them get to the state i found myself I find it easier on my conscience to speak out now.
Hope this doesnt offend you

Ehen...if your posts to people coming with issues online sounded like this, I wouldn't have made that snide remark (honestly its so not me) But all we (yep me included) do is jump into conclusions, admonish the poster for being a low life n even suspect somebody is playing a prank by cooking up a story. What pisses me off is the fact people like you who've been through all of these still blaming the woman for causing all of it due to her lack of self-respect n blah blah..none of us are raised to take poo from another person, even if it is our better half. Its just misfortune that leads our lives into the hands of such men. The very same ppl who say women cause these problems themselves will call her childish if she walks out of the marriage coz hubby slapped her. Coming back to ur issue, don't tell me you continued in ur first marriage ONLY coz ppl asked you to stay..weren't you old enough to think for yourself ? Every human being has a tolerance level and no matter what outsiders say, once the limit has been crossed, when they see every step taken to mend the relation has gone down the drain, then they call it quits. Lest I forget, people come online to discuss issues not necessarily because they don't have anyone offline to share their issues. Maybe they want an unbiased opinion, may be they just want to hear a 'don't worry, its not your fault', maybe they want to see if anyone else have gone through what they are going through..isn't it just sadistic when we, who barely know them just go ahead and blame them for things we really don't know?

And no, nothing that is said on a public forum by people who are nothing but user names offends me. Have a great weekend !

Smilenw:
Ehen...if your posts to people coming with issues online sounded like this, I wouldn't have made that snide remark (honestly its so not me) But all we (yep me included) do is jump into conclusions, admonish the poster for being a low life n even suspect somebody is playing a prank by cooking up a story. What pisses me off is the fact people like you who've been through all of these still blaming the woman for causing all of it due to her lack of self-respect n blah blah..none of us are raised to take poo from another person, even if it is our better half. Its just misfortune that leads our lives into the hands of such men. The very same ppl who say women cause these problems themselves will call her childish if she walks out of the marriage coz hubby slapped her. Coming back to ur issue, don't tell me you continued in ur first marriage ONLY coz ppl asked you to stay..weren't you old enough to think for yourself ? Every human being has a tolerance level and no matter what outsiders say, once the limit has been crossed, when they see every step taken to mend the relation has gone down the drain, then they call it quits. Lest I forget, people come online to discuss issues not necessarily because they don't have anyone offline to share their issues. Maybe they want an unbiased opinion, may be they just want to hear a 'don't worry, its not your fault', maybe they want to see if anyone else have gone through what they are going through..isn't it just sadistic when we, who barely know them just go ahead and blame them for things we really don't know?

And no, nothing that is said on a public forum by people who are nothing but monikers offends me. Have a great weekend !

My dear I tell you in my 3 years no one ever said even seperate, I wanted to but all who i turned to for advice and guidance said stay and fight for your marriage, I was married quiet young, and i looked up to so many people and unfortunately they all said the same thing. The advice i give is the advice i wish i was given earlier.
The poster doesnt need a pity [arty believe me she gets enough of that, you will get the pity party and as soon as you leave the gossip begins. She needs a dose of reality so she can wake up and face her life with or without him but with some peace.
The boldest and hardest thing i did was leave, I was scorned castigated etc, I still am, but that was my reality, they pity party and hand holding didnt help, the rude dose of reality from my dad worked wonders.
Believe me no matter how tired of something you are when everyone around you tells you it is normal and it is somehow your fault you start believing that and loosing yourself. Do you know how long it took for me to learn I had value? Do you know how long it took for me to look at myself fully in the mirror? Do you know how many times i wanted to sleep and never wake up? I was trapped and I was told the only way out was death.

I do not blame her, I am only asking her to face the reality of her situation, develop some self worth and esteem and realistically deal with what she is facing.
Thats the best I can do. I have been there and every sentence reeks low self esteem, no one can help her except she recognises that and decides to help her self. There are a lot of people who will help her say "sorry, this your husband ehnn, just pray, nothing God cant do"unfortunately I am not, I wish I didnt never hear that crap a day again in my life.

debrief08: Lord what is the meaning of all these stories oh? Are women so desperate to get married now that they bend and accept and manage any thing just to have husband?
I am sure he was jobless and unserious and you married him because you were feeling old.
Anyway that done, stop being silly, he is acting like a spoilt child because you have spoilt him, if you have a child who is acting spoilt not appreciative do you continue to buy toys and bribe the child while deprivingyourself and the other more worthy children?
You are the wife a supporter not the husband, he is using your money to club and cheat and your biggest problem is that he doesn't pick your call? Do you have any love or respect for yourself at all?
I am sure they have told you "tolerate him, be patient, pray for him" you have done all that and still are faced with this nonesense, Madam stop, cut off his source of funding, use your money to care for yourself and your kids, invest in their education and yourself, use the money you give him to club abd cheat to go to the spar, go and shop for yourself, take a holiday just you and your kids, give him the basic necessities, food, and shelter, any other thing is a privilage and not a right.
If you were my younger sister I will knock some sense into you, what in the name of the Lord is going on? Who is raising women to have such low self esteem and be so desperate?
Ignore him, don't give him any attention, you love him he doesn't love or respect you so if I were you I will start planning my life without him, if he genuienly repents and not just because he needs money then go to an independent counselor not a pastor and work through your issues. Let the lazy man get a job and make himself worthy to his children instead of lazying and clubbing on money meant for his childrens future.
If you like keep being silly.
I will just copy this response and save and keep pasting because it seems this is the kind of marriages in majority now.
You earned the money if he refuses to be responsible then he doesn't deserve a dime apart from essentials. I am all for couples supporting each other but I will never support one party carrying the whole marriage on their shoulder. That is not marriage, if it was then its better to stay single and not be saddled with so much pain, frustration and bitterness which will lead you to hell

its like u are always seeing my mind.it beats my imagination how women strrugle to keep d family goin and d man acts like some irreponsible teenager.imagine a grown up man stil clubbing shamelessly.i thought he should dat should have been over with as a secondary school student and an undergraduate.smh.yet u here things like every saturday ur mates are gettin married,go and get married. As far as am concerned d only thing women see is d funfare of wedding and honeymoon,not d mans character in itself.dey are so carried away with emotions dat dey forget to know his character.by d way where did poster meet him?in d club? Babes theres a time for everytin under d sun.yes i clubbed as an undergraduate and a secondary skul leaver,but av put dat away because am a grown woman and i av other pressin responsibilities dat require my tym and attention,also ask ur man dis.for how long does he want to continue dis,does he want his kids nt to recognize him as a father and b calin him uncle,since hes nt a stay at home dad,does he want his daughters to start followin dia dads footsteps.hes is not showin a good example to his kids and by d tym dose kids bcom wayward,he would wish he was neva born.all dis nonesense sef i hear about marriage is really makin me reluctant o.wetin? Which type of men do we have dis days?wot kind of upbringing do dey have.smh

preciousmee: .

I appreciate ur response but am only a woman who wants the best for her family, I love to have us stay in our own house smday, I love to have my kids go to best skuls smday maybe am wrong to ve been thinkin like a man should, but am d one with a better payin job my hubby is not jobless at all nd he was once there for me all I needed was his love and appreciation. If I start living like I dnt care and spend all my money buying cloths I wil be selfish cos the future of my children is more important and whatever I do now counts.

@ kobojunkie she did!

steph7: @ kobojunkie she did!

She said have her kids to go the best school Someday . . . . . probably does not have any of those kids NOW because her note does not seem to conclusively state that she has them now. Also, the man is not jobless, according to her, and going to a club does not mean he spends all he earns on drinking at the club.

Let's please stay away from adding or injecting into this story our own delusions/insecurities. Again, it is not wrong for a married man to go to a the club for drinks with his friends please. I hate when people suggest that people who do are auto-magically irresponsible . . that is far from the truth. There are many who go to the club to relax and get their minds away from problems at home or elsewhere. That certainly does not make them wayward drunks etc.

Kobojunkie some1 gave u money to go to the movies to destress, good!. There isn't any rule abt going to club as a married man, but a smart married man would go with his wife!
Kobojunkie since u claim u were so broke, if some 1 gave u 6.50 and u knew u hadn't eaten in 2 days or your sister would be thrown out school, what would you do with the money.and from the wife's post its not like he goes once in a blue moon, he is a regular club goer

@ debreif

Hmmmm..I do agree with 'pity party n gossip as soon as she leaves' But I can never be harsh with someone who's already down and low. That doesn't mean I'll ask a woman to take anything and everything in the name of saving her marriage. If you were my friend/sister in real life, during ur turbulent years, I'd have sincerely asked and helped you to walk out of that hell much before you yourself decided to do it (preferably after castrating that animal) What bugs me most is when people start treating u anyhow just because you decided to be humane n give them a chance. Anywayz, hope this OP learns a thing or two from this thread (hoping itz a genuine issue..honestly I opened this thread prepared for some fun thinking itz one of those dumb thread asking how to make hubby addicted to me, how to make him attend my calls etc..after reading her post, was genuinely feeling bad for Op n got carried away with the first response I read. Didn't even bother reading the other comments n just typed out what came to my mind <sheepish grin>.Apologies !)

Smilenw: Hmmmm..I do agree with 'pity party n gossip as soon as she leaves' But I can never be harsh with someone who's already down and low. That doesn't mean I'll ask a woman to take anything and everything in the name of saving her marriage. If you were my friend/sister in real life, during ur turbulent years, I'd have sincerely asked and helped you to walk out of that hell much before you yourself decided to do it (preferably after castrating that animal) What bugs me most is when people start treating u anyhow just because you decided to be humane n give them a chance. Anywayz, hope this OP learns a thing or two from this thread (hoping itz a genuine issue..honestly I opened this thread prepared for some fun thinking itz one of those dumb thread asking how to make hubby addicted to me, how to make him attend my calls etc..after reading her post, was genuinely feeling bad for Op n got carried away with the first response I read. Didn't even bother reading the other comments n just typed out what came to my mind <sheepish grin>.Apologies !)

[quote author=Smilenw]
Lol, I understand oh, It is really sad what is happening now, I know when men find the courage to start speaking out against some of what they go through we will be amazed, Where did we get it wrong?

steph7: Kobojunkie some1 gave u money to go to the movies to destress, good!. There isn't any rule abt going to club as a married man, but a smart married man would go with his wife!

I didn't have a job then, but this man has a job so he does not need someone to give him the money to go, I presume. Now, for a smart married man, sorry there are no rules that say a man has to take his wife to clubs with him so please let's be realistic in the rules we stipulate for others. Married people should not live shackled to their mates. A man/woman deserves to be able to go where he/she wants without the partner, as long as he/she does not unselfishly.

steph7:
Kobojunkie since u claim u were so broke, if some 1 gave u 6.50 and u knew u hadn't eaten in 2 days or your sister would be thrown out school, what would you do with the money.and from the wife's post its not like he goes once in a blue moon, he is a regular club goer

Like I said, stop trying to decide for others what they would do with their time and stress. There were days those movies meant more to me than what was in my stomach. That was, again, how I felt, and I was glad I ignored my stomach and went to see that movie.

[quote author=debrief08][/quote]

"Sigh" ! Wish I had an answer

dayokanu: OP,

Is it his clubbing you have a problem with or his not picking your calls at clubs?

Cos if its picking your calls at clubs you should know that clubs are very noisy and almost impossible to pick calls there

from your post I think you are concerned about the wrong thing, Picking your calls in club is the least of your worries

are you justifying the mans clubbing activities and ignoring his primary duty..his family.sorry to say,it looks like the man is not responsible @all,cos men with meagre salaries think of taking care of their family rather than wasting the money

So kobojunkie when you get married , pls don't complain that your husband is always clubbing leaving u alone in bed every friday. After all he is just releasing stress.

Ifloxy: are you justifying the mans clubbing activities and ignoring his primary duty..his family.sorry to say,it looks like the man is not responsible @all,cos men with meagre salaries think of taking care of their family rather than wasting the money

Thank you!

It's a pity that some women have 2go 2ru all these.my advise is she should stop giving him money and embarking on those projects cos if he has money 2go clubbing he should as well stand up to his duties.she shouldn't back out,she should still try to make things work although not by loosing her self esteem.Backing out on problem is the reason why we have high rate of divorce.

steph7: So kobojunkie when you get married , pls don't complain that your husband is always clubbing leaving u alone in bed every friday. After all he is just releasing stress.

How do you conclude I am not now married? Please stick to learning how to be more REALISTIC. . . I am against men being selfish in relationships. I am also against women being selfish and thinking that once they get married, their husbands should go everywhere with them. That is actually a sign of immaturity and lack of high-enough self-esteem. If you are married and think your husband should take you to clubs, wake up now before it bites you in the arse. If you want to go clubbing, go yourself, if he does not want to go with you. If he leaves on friday night, the door is also open for you too to leave. If he says you cannot go then demand the same rules apply to him as well. You cannot shackle him and you cannot allow him make special rules for himself. There ought to be balance and you do not get it by demanding he go everywhere with you.

Jeeeedus Freaking Christos!! When did reading become a lost art??


How did you get this

Ifloxy: are you justifying the mans clubbing activities and ignoring his primary duty..his family.sorry to say,it looks like the man is not responsible @all,cos men with meagre salaries think of taking care of their family rather than wasting the money

from this

dayokanu: OP,

Is it his clubbing you have a problem with or his not picking your calls at clubs?
Cos if its picking your calls at clubs you should know that clubs are very noisy and almost impossible to pick calls there

from your post I think you are concerned about the wrong thing, Picking your calls in club is the least of your worries

OP did not open a thread titled - My Husband is not taking care of his family, My husband is not responsible, My husband is wasting money. She didn't even title it - My husband goes Clubbing. . .obviously she is not concerned about those issues (which logically should be top on the concern list) instead she is worried about her husband NOT PICKING HER CALLS WHEN CLUBBING.

Dayo asked her a legitimate question - Is it the clubbing you have a problem with or his not picking up calls at clubs, then gave a reasonable answer for why the phone isn't being answered and concluded that the not picking up the calls is the LEAST of her worries (which it obviously is considering all the other things he is doing). . .how is that justifying clubbing??!!!

Sisi_Kill: Jeeeedus Freaking Christos!! When did reading become a lost art??


How did you get this


from this


OP did not open a thread titled - My Husband is not taking care of his family, My husband is not responsible, My husband is wasting money. She didn't even title it - My husband goes Clubbing. . .obviously she is not concerned about those issues (which logically should be top on the concern list) instead she is worried about her husband NOT PICKING HER CALLS WHEN CLUBBING.

Dayo asked her a legitimate question - Is it the clubbing you have a problem with or his not picking up calls at clubs, then gave a reasonable answer for why the phone isn't being answered and concluded that the not picking up the calls is the LEAST of her worries (which it obviously is considering all the other things he is doing). . .how is that justifying clubbing??!!!

You are right oh, I take back my long epistle, Poster I dont know what to do when a husband doesnt pick him calls while clubbing.

[quote author=Smilenw]See ex-punchbag-cm-doormat acting like mother of self-respect.. If she knew so much abt 'self esteem', wonder what made her stay with her abusive husband, watching him making out with ho's! Yeye woman You don't have to be this harsh.

this topis is now confusing me and the poster has some gaps in her story. is ur problem the club issue or his not picking your calls or are u just frustrated being the breadwinner

anyway don't want to knock another woman while she is down - but poster - u need to make a decision for yourself, children and marriage.

why do these married men go to club self without their wives? i don't remember any day/weekend/night my father would go out to a bar or restaurant or wherever those "older" (LOL ) people used to go in those days without my mum. na wah o!!

@sisi_kill From what the op wrote,u'd find out she has a problem with her husbands inability to stand up 2the familys need and also she doesn't like his clubbing activities,which probably results 2his inability 2pick calls.And a man who abandons his family responsibilty to seek comfort outside is an irresponsible man.bi

Ifloxy: @sisi_kill From what the op wrote,u'd find out she has a problem with her husbands inability to stand up 2the familys need and also[b] she doesn't like his clubbing activities,which probably results 2his inability 2pick calls.[/b]And a man who abandons his family responsibilty to seek comfort outside is an irresponsible man.bi

She did not say that. Stop injecting your delusions/insecurities into her post there. I really hate when we READ IN BETWEEN THE LINES here, cause it usually means ignoring what was actually posted so we can jump to conclusions on a situation we have little understanding of.

Clubbing has little or nothing to do with his inabilities to pick up the phone . . not according to her though. The topic states WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR HUSBAND REFUSES TO PICK YOUR CALL ANYTIME HE IS IN THE CLU[b]B[/b]". The problem, from that is he refuses to pick up the phone, not that he is at the club. Apparently, she expects him to pick up the phone even though he is at the club.

Ifloxy: @sisi_kill From what the op wrote,u'd find out she has a problem with her husbands inability to stand up 2the familys need and also she doesn't like his clubbing activities,which probably results 2his inability 2pick calls.And a man who abandons his family responsibilty to seek comfort outside is an irresponsible man.bi

If she felt those other things were major issues she would have used that as the title, he major concern is how to get her husband pick her calls when he goes clubbing and I am one of the first out of point, If anyone has any suggestions on her topic post it, but the other issues dont seem to be major to her

cotton101: this topis is now confusing me and the poster has some gaps in her story. is ur problem the club issue or his not picking your calls or are u just frustrated being the breadwinner

anyway don't want to knock another woman while she is down - but poster - u need to make a decision for yourself, children and marriage.
[b][/b]
why do these married men go to club self without their wives? i don't remember any day/weekend/night my father would go out to a bar or restaurant or wherever those "older" (LOL ) people used to go in those days without my mum. na wah o!!

. U are right,my hubby hasn't gone clubbing since i got pregnant,cos he can't go without me.we attend social functions together n that is d way it should be

@ kobojunkie since the poster has not provided us with enuf info, I'll say we are well within our rights to read between the lines. The post is about the OP not trusting her husband enough, which is why she'll be bothered about him not picking her call when he is out, coupled with the fact that she feels under appreciated by the sacrifices she makes like dropping money for projects, him complaining about her buying new clothes ...

steph7: @ kobojunkie since the poster has not provided us with enuf info, I'll say we are well within our rights to read between the lines. The post is about the OP not trusting her husband enough, which is why she'll be bothered about him not picking her call when he is out, coupled with the fact that she feels under appreciated by the sacrifices she makes like dropping money for projects, him complaining about her buying new clothes ...

I am sorry but that is a STU_PID conclusion to reach. Learn to RESPECT OTHERS and STOP ASSUMING you are a mindreader of some sort that you should pretend you have them figured out. It is rude to assume you have people's personal lives figured out because you can simply decide it is your place to READ YOUR DELUSIONS IN BETWEEN THE LINES.

Please learn to read what is typed AS-IS, as it not only shows that you respect the poster but you also have NO DELUSIONS/INSECURITIES of your own that you are looking to project onto others.

hmmmmmmmmm......life!

Kobojunkie:

I am sorry but that is a STU_PID conclusion to reach. Learn to RESPECT OTHERS and STOP ASSUMING you are a mindreader of some sort that you should pretend you have them figured out. It is rude to assume you have people's personal lives figured out because you can simply decide it is your place to READ YOUR DELUSIONS IN BETWEEN THE LINES.

Please learn to read what is typed AS-IS, as it not only shows that you respect the poster [size=15pt]but you also have NO DELUSIONS/INSECURITIES of your own that you are looking to project onto others.[/size]

DAMMNN!!!

I don't assume I'm a mind reader of any sort, unlike you Know -it -all, and i certainly don't have any insecurities to project, so pls take your stu..pid, daft sorry excuse for a human being somewhere else. @OP I'm sorry for derailing your thread, just have reply to this huge oaf called kobojunkie.
and next time kobojunkie, know u can make a sensible argument without resorting to insults

Shollypopz:

DAMMNN!!!

It is true. Haven't you ever had the experience of asking someone advice on issue A only for that person to descend into this tirade on issue B and you left wandering what the f**k just happened??

steph7: I don't assume I'm a mind reader of any sort, unlike you Know -it -all, and i certainly don't have any insecurities to project, so pls take your stu..pid, daft sorry excuse for a human being somewhere else. @OP I'm sorry for derailing your thread, just have reply to this huge oaf called kobojunkie.
and next time kobojunkie, know u can make a sensible argument without resorting to insults

[size=13pt]LEARN TO READ[/size]

I didn't insult you. I simply said your suggestion that it is your place to inject into the post is STU_PID, and that your doing that is a sign of disrespect, and a need to project.