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Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. - Family (5) - Nairaland

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My Husband Denies Me Sex And Affection...its Killing Me / My Husband Is Killing Me Emotionaly, How Do I Deal With Him / My Uncle's Wife Is Killing Me. (2) (3) (4)

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Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by eherbal(m): 5:26am On Oct 13, 2012
Audi alterem partem.there are two sides to a story.the one you told is just too convenient.atleast you did not deny not doing his laundries and cooking his food.is there something you leaving out?tell your husband he's needed in the house to clear himself,or he'll be sentenced to participate in todays 'walk against domestic violence'
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 5:43am On Oct 13, 2012
Seek for divorce be serious about it I am sure he will beg you and change for good if he knew u are serious. All I can see in the man is that he wants to milk u dry of your money it happens with many guys out there that always wants to marry girls that will spend for them rather than them spending for the girl
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by ghettodreamz(m): 6:21am On Oct 13, 2012
A lot have been said by people here, and I've learnt so many things from the thread personally as a guy. Like it has been mentioned in no distant time, you two might need to see a marriage counselor, on how couple should treat, respect each other,co-manage a home.

I don't think divorce is the next available option for you, for the sake of your kids, please don't breeze away from your matrimonial home. I for one,strongly believe in the power of prayer, maybe you need to see your pastor & his wife for their spiritual assistance also(counseling & prayer), you can dedicate a day or two of the week for fasting and prayer too, asking for the power that changes hands to visit your matrimonial home and intervene on your behalf. I hate divorce as much as God does too, I'm sure you both loved each other to have got married, and marriage is an institution where we learn new things that the western education we get from the four walls of the universities can't afford us.

Are you both followers of Jesus Christ? Did you made him the center of your home? Because you can't build a house that will last without a solid foundation, which is Jesus Christ. The power of prevailing prayer & fasting can not be overemphasized, for the sake of the feelings you had for him when you both started, having the interest of your kids in mind, I'm sure you won't want to raise them as a single parent, is not about the money here; both parents have a responsibility and a role in their children's upbringing and lives as a whole,so keep that at the back of your mind whilst you dispel divorce.


JOIN ME IN SINGING....

Prayer is the key
Prayer is the key
Prayer is the master key
Jesus started with prayer
And ended with prayer
Prayer is the master key.

Beloved, it's well with you & your marriage in Jesus name, amen. Halleluyah!

Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Ivynwa(f): 6:41am On Oct 13, 2012
@Poster

How long do you and your husband plan to be living in different countries like that? It is understandable when couples are living apart just for a while, the one I don't understand is people getting married to be together and living apart for a very very long time thereby giving rooms to the cracks in the marriage to explode. All the while the man is living in another country alone, what does he do when he needs you? What do you yourself do when you need him?----it seems to me like frustration is one of the causes of the abuse however abuse/violence cannot be justified.

Your post does not exempt any of you from contributing to the problems in your marriage, you have a mindset that he alone must bear the financial responsibility of your home which was why you were extolling yourself for the percentages that you have contributed. I agree that a woman should have some freedom to manage some part of her finances after supporting in her home yet supporting in the home should come first. Your home should be important to you, there are times that husbands don't have and some wives carry the greater financial responsibilities of their home till things turn around.

Your husband seems to have his own "dominate her by all means even cunningly" mindset that is also contributing to the problem, what was that cunning mathematics he did by making himself look good before his MIL and taking the same money he gave her away from you? He overstepped boundaries by beating you and that you have to address seriously by confiding in one of your parents/families, he has to be made to realize that he must not beat you. Keeping quiet and taking the beatings is dangerous. Most of your misunderstandings are rooted in finance, you are not coming together at all in financial matters. He has a home somewhere which may be one of the reason he wants a cheaper home for you and the kids so that you guys can manage your finances better, it is a matter a husband and wife should come together, deliberate and agree upon not when issues of money arises he maps out your percentage from a distance and you start sulking in your own corner. You can easily discuss these things in love and none will feel cheated. Your marriage is getting stressed from some angles, bring it all together and hold it up girl. If there's a way things can be organized so that you live together and no more apart, that will be nicer.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by afrikanns: 7:16am On Oct 13, 2012
k2039: Trust me,marriage is all about you being happy,you cant afford to remain sad for the rest of your life.
Its better to be single than to be with the wrong man.
I think divorce is necessary,if you expect him to change,I'm afraid you may be left dissapointed for the rest of your life.

You have a job,you can take care of your kids.

bad advise bro, pls u need to endure more very soon he ll soon realise all his actions and reactions, always be good to him
and importantly pray 4 him as we pray 4 nigeria despite d sufferin inflicted on us.u
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by jaxxy(m): 7:21am On Oct 13, 2012
This is just 1 side of d story, if we hear 4rm ur hubby there might b smtn ure nt telling us bt stil theres definately smtn wrong and all dis misunderstandings r just d symptoms. U need 2 genuinely sit down wit ur hubby and talk 2 him in a civil and respectful manner and nt like ure challenging or taking up an arguement with him. He said ur nt useful 2 him have u tried 2 check ur situation at home and hw useful have u been by his terms, I don't mean buyin him a car like he claims other wifes do cos dat depends on her financial capacity and r u sure he knws hw much u earn Cos it takes 2 2 tangle and life is give and take. It seems he's nt so happy wit wat ure bringing 2 d table and it doesn't hav 2 be just financially cos a man who loves his wife will gladly take up d bills. He may also be havin financial troubles and is takin d frustration on u for nt being considerate enough.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by honeycandy(f): 7:28am On Oct 13, 2012
modele2: Your challenge is very real and I chose to reply becos i have experienced a part of it(fortunately not the beating part but the part where he wants you to spend every penny you have).

First take a patience pill. A president is respected not becos of the person he is but the office he occupies. Your husbands attitude may be like po, but becos of his office as husband, still give him respect.

She'll end up patient and miserable.
1. Call him regularly, be cheerful on the phone when you call, ask him about his activities nicely and be genuinely interested, Dont NAG about money. You can ask about the household needs when you really really have to. if he refuses, let it be.
2. Thank God you have a job and make do with what you have, dont make your contributions an issue, limit your contributions to what is necessary, no fancy stuff.
3. When he comes around stop the confrontation, since he does not listen and resorts to violence. Make the house as comfortable as possible for him

Stop the confrontations, that would be dying in silence. Trust me, that's not good for the health. Think of what she'll be doing to herself.
4. Stop asking about the car, your nagging will not get it for you, as you are doing save towards one if you can and it would stop giving him reasons to annoy you, forget the car is there. He would later wonder why you are not asking and might offer it,a t least for his children school runs.
5. Another problem is the distance, he is not around and cant see how you contribute to the family upkeep, if he has any resonable bone in his body, u could do a cash book of your expenses from time to time and show him.
6. His not being around also means honestly...that u add little value to him in terms of perks of marriage, so try and make up for it when he is around.
7. Find contentment in other things, make the house a nice place for him when he returns, reduce the quarrels as much as u can, peharps he can regard you with more warmth. He would at a point look forward to comming home.
8
From the look of things, there's another woman in the picture. As long as that woman is there, he might never look forward to coming home
. Look for support, raising the boys alone is not easy, get help so you can have more time for your self.
9. Then my dear, dont be tired of praying.
10. One day he would come round and you would truly begin to enjoy your marriage. One person has to conscede or play the fool in a quarrel, since it is thou that seeketh peace, then thou must play the fool.
Play the fool for how long? This is only the beginning. I'm not married yet. But take this from a child that grew up in an abusive home. Your husband doesn't beat you, hers does. There's a huge difference ma.
To the op, you can stay and pray and end up with a hpb in the nearest future, like my mom. Or you leave and still pray for him to have a change of heart. You don't know it now, but your children are watching you guys. If they're your only source of joy, then save them now.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by honeycandy(f): 7:29am On Oct 13, 2012
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by mannet(m): 8:05am On Oct 13, 2012
@OP,Pls for the gud of ur kids & ur life,kindly divorce that man & live wit ur kids happily,am nt saying that there can't b misundastanding in marriages bt when physical abuse is involvd u need to take extra caution cos the devil is very crafty,the next physical abuse might b ur journey to the grave.Live him nw & be happy wit ur kids,he doesn't deserve to b ur husband.i've had relatnshps where we quarel alot bt i will neva raise my hand to beat a my girlfriend,talkmore of my wife.IF U LOVE UR LIFE PLS LEAVE THAT MARRIAGE B4 U BECOME OBITUARY LIKE THAT BANKER THAT WAS KILLED BY HER HUSBAND.GOD BLESS U
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by ibedun: 8:16am On Oct 13, 2012
We are living in a materialistic, selfish and individualistic world today. That has changed the meaning and relevance of marriage.

And it is not as necessary as our ignorant parents believe.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by TheBuilder: 8:34am On Oct 13, 2012
The poster sounds like she is an angel and her husband is the devil which I will strongly disagree with. The issues that must be addressed are: has her hubby always been like this from the time they got married? Is it true she does not cook and wash for him? Has he always been staying away from home? Has she always been on the job she is doing now? Since the marriage is about four years old, what kind of job was she doing when they got married and how much was her salary then? Has the hubby started developing the land she said they bought together which is affecting the man's finances? Does the poster know how to drive? If yes, how since she does not have a car? What is the disposition of her family to the hubby? Is the man still paying the children school fees and buys clothes for them once in a while? Does the hubby give monthly home maintenance allowance? Apart from not cooking and washing for him which to me are trivial, what other key complaints has the husband leveled against the poster both on phone and whenever he comes around? Afterall he is not a mad man.(Or is he?)
In my life, I have learnt not to react or give advise based on one sided story because the one telling you his/her side will only tell you what he/she want you to know.it is only through indepth probing that the truth always comes out. A coin goes with two sides always.
@OP- please address the issues above dispassionately and honestly if you want to receive more pragramatic advise from me and other members who will not want to make hasty inputs. One sided story will only get you lopsided advise.
I wish you all the best in your marriage.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Oahray: 9:06am On Oct 13, 2012
How come many people are telling her to divorce him or move on? You think it is a silly bf/gf relationship? Its marriage, and good marriages don't fall from heaven. Both parties work hard and make sacrifices to make it work.
Its disappointing how some people resort to insults to make a point. This is a thread on marriage, and I think only mature people should comment.

2 Likes

Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by sarutobi: 9:31am On Oct 13, 2012
modele2: Your challenge is very real and I chose to reply becos i have experienced a part of it(fortunately not the beating part but the part where he wants you to spend every penny you have).

First take a patience pill. A president is respected not becos of the person he is but the office he occupies. Your husbands attitude may be like po, but becos of his office as husband, still give him respect.

1. Call him regularly, be cheerful on the phone when you call, ask him about his activities nicely and be genuinely interested, Dont NAG about money. You can ask about the household needs when you really really have to. if he refuses, let it be.
2. Thank God you have a job and make do with what you have, dont make your contributions an issue, limit your contributions to what is necessary, no fancy stuff.
3. When he comes around stop the confrontation, since he does not listen and resorts to violence. Make the house as comfortable as possible for him
4. Stop asking about the car, your nagging will not get it for you, as you are doing save towards one if you can and it would stop giving him reasons to annoy you, forget the car is there. He would later wonder why you are not asking and might offer it,a t least for his children school runs.
5. Another problem is the distance, he is not around and cant see how you contribute to the family upkeep, if he has any resonable bone in his body, u could do a cash book of your expenses from time to time and show him.
6. His not being around also means honestly...that u add little value to him in terms of perks of marriage, so try and make up for it when he is around.
7. Find contentment in other things, make the house a nice place for him when he returns, reduce the quarrels as much as u can, peharps he can regard you with more warmth. He would at a point look forward to comming home.
8. Look for support, raising the boys alone is not easy, get help so you can have more time for your self.
9. Then my dear, dont be tired of praying.
10. One day he would come round and you would truly begin to enjoy your marriage. One person has to conscede or play the fool in a quarrel, since it is thou that seeketh peace, then thou must play the fool.

OMG I want to marry you.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 9:35am On Oct 13, 2012
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Burger01(m): 9:38am On Oct 13, 2012
Your hubby is a way out of his nuts. Seek for divorce, rent a moderate place, buy ur own car and take care of the kids single handedly. It may not be that easy but you would be happy being a single parent till you meet a man that will take you and the kids and love you for who you are. If you wanna live long consider my suggestion otherwise stay in the marriage and expect a miracle for your hubby to have a change of heart and attitude and also for you not to die young while your kids still need you.. Good luck.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Burger01(m): 9:50am On Oct 13, 2012
afrikanns:

bad advise bro, pls u need to endure more very soon he ll soon realise all his actions and reactions, always be good to him
and importantly pray 4 him as we pray 4 nigeria despite d sufferin inflicted on us.u

If the OP is any of your siblings and then you think of that banker that killed his wife I believe you won't be saying this. Do you want her to keep enduring till she drops dead (God forbid) one day? But, on a second thought, what could make a man so physical to his wife? Its just not fair. We all know women are the weaker sex hence we as men don't need to proof this by being physical. God is totally against this. @OP, please think critically and do what would make you happy..
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 10:07am On Oct 13, 2012
chaircover:

I totally agree.

Apart from the beating, which is totally unacceptable and needs to stop immediately, I dont think that there is anything so bad in that marriage that they BOTH cant sort out if they are BOTH committed to making it work. From what the poster has described, they both have the wrong mindset towards money and spending in the family and if they can get through that hurdle then they will be fine.

Once they start seeing themselves as a team, rather as individuals then they will find that things will work better for them. It doesn't matter who pays for the kids hospital fees, so long as the kid is better. It doesn't matter who pays for the land or who pays for the roof or blocks, so long as the house is built. The car should be a family car and not just for one person. Once they are able to grasp this concept of sharing then things will become much more easier for them.

They both have an income and they are still young. Now is the time to pool resources, stop the frivolous spending if any and focus on building an investment and nest egg for their future and the future of their children. Its never to early to start saving and putting investments in place for that kids university education.

If your OWN husband tells you to your face that you are not valuable to him, you will turn around and say "Oh, I don't think there is anything really wrong in this marriage if we can work together after all he does not beat me "?

Only beating? so from all that she has posted here, the beating part is the only abuse you have seen ehn? oh, there are two sides to every story undecided You and I sit down comfortably in our own husbands house, our husbands are yet to scream and yell at us or even call us unimportant. What work have we done to make sure we get the amount of respect we get right now from our husbands? ABSOULTELY NOTHING EVEN THOUGH WE SAY MARRIAGE IS TOUGH WORK. How many times have you cried to your husband for peace sake? how many times have your husband called you names let alone hit you? yes, we have it going very easy in our marriages, so it is not okay for us to sit behind our computer and say to an abused woman that there is nothing wrong in a marriage where she has worked much more in the few years she has been married than we have in the many years we've been married


Let us remember that some of us have daughters and would not be advising our daughters the way we do here if God forbids a million times they marry eediots as husbands. God forbid my daughter meet these kind of men. I reject it in Jesus name-amen

@Poster

If you value your life and that of your kids, stay away from that man until he has checked himself into a psych ward and gotten a proper treatment for his mental state because it is only a mentally unstable eediot, that will beat a woman let alone, one who just had CS done.

We Nigerians only choose options that best suits us at a particular time. When is it okay for someone to sit still and endure abuse of any kind? Oh yea, don't follow the white man's mentality, our culture condemns divorce, separation etc. but we enjoy their educational system, their dollars pounds euros etc, we enjoy no interruption of power supply, water without fetching from a neighbour's compound. Let me tell you that even I myself and me will not take care of your children when that man finally sends you to the grave, kpatakpata he will mourn you for 4 days and move on.

Men will only treat you the way you wanno be treated. An abuser will tame himself if he got married to any woman in my family. A man has no respect for his wife and all we can say is "We see nothing wrong in this marriage".

Someone even said "she must have been running her mouth like tap, hence the panelbeating. The one thing that crossed my mind is ....."Why aren't men that believe abuse is okay in some instances being taken proper care of by ALUU community instead of innocent boys?

I weep

3 Likes

Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Delightbaby(f): 10:50am On Oct 13, 2012
As a woman like me, i will say u hav tried ur best still ur husband don't even appreciate u 4 a bit, dis unfair. U have 2 take hearth and know dat marriage is meant 2 be enjoyable and not endureable. It is fortunate dat u where brought up in a happy and lovely home but in marriage u r not happy. Ma'am u may be surprise 2 hear dat ur hus has anoda home not even wen dere are some of ur freinds or family members arround. Human being r dangerious. Maybe in ur next leave, go and stay with him and den u may find unspeakable things about him. Again if he listen 2 his mother, u can confide on her so he can talk 2 him on ur behalf.pls my sista take hrt it is one thing associated with some men. May d gud GOD be with u.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Picomon(m): 11:34am On Oct 13, 2012
There's no point in staying with an asshole who doesn't care bout you and the kids. Damn.. some men can be heartless.

Guess he has bin tasting punties outside n he's looking for a way to turn you into a slave or kick ur ass out. Life is damn too short to stay with a hubby who don't give a Bleep.

I guess you need to move out and get urself a gud place to stay, so dat you n ur kids will have a peaceful life. If your hubby still nid you, he will come for you.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by ronkebp(f): 11:38am On Oct 13, 2012
This is what happens when you close your eyes while walking down the aisle.....You just had a baby through CS and he was beating you even with that....That one, even if it was done once, is a enough reason for me to leave that man, not to talk of his stingy attitude. Oh!! My!!! too bad...
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by nnekaregy(f): 11:53am On Oct 13, 2012
Check very well if he is on drugs, such sudden changes in human behaviour is always caused by something. Live as if he doesn't exist, but always serve him food. Also save money in case he gets worse and u may have to be fully independent. Above all confess God's word on marraige, go thru d bible if u are a christian and write down d words, speak them and believe them, things will turn around.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 11:57am On Oct 13, 2012
Thank You Jenny, God bless you. I am sure they will feel more "pity" when we read a story "man hits wife to death in an arguement", then they cann freely call the man a "beast" but for now, they will have the mind to tell her to "pray and endure", pray and endure and reward bad behavior. Imagine.
Some of us with great husbands still find small things to raise dust about yet we are not slapped or mentally abused.
This "marraige" has neglect financial and emotional, physical abuse, emotional abuse and total disrespect, yet because she is not dead yet we will encourage her to stay and fight to "death". Telling your wife and mother of 2 kids that she is valueless, God help us, sick society, Poster at the end of the day, no one can love you as much as you love yourself. If you don't love yourself enough to stop crying and being emotional abused then no one else can help you.
You have to love yourself first and decide what you want not letting any mentally unstable person define the direction of your life.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 12:03pm On Oct 13, 2012
Sometimes I just can't help but feel that there's no happiness in marriage. I think if divorce was an option in your agreement called marriage. A little self-respect for each other would be exhibited at times. We shouldn't put up with nonsense just in order to stay married.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:02pm On Oct 13, 2012
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by nairaman66(m): 1:22pm On Oct 13, 2012
Take a diplomatic approach to talk to him.. Its always much easier to get married to staying married! Gudluck!!
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:32pm On Oct 13, 2012
Ok, so in other words. What is an "acceptable" time frame before a woman says enough is enough? When she dies i guess and that is according to some of yous logic. Or better still go and ask Titi in her grave for answers.

You don't get it yourself, you seemly don't get it. I never knew there was an acceptable time frame in issues re abuse.

I repeat, we all have daughters and the way some of us talk about our daughters, I can bet my left nyash that we will be the first to go and pack their bags if something like this ever happens to them(God forbid). All I ask is that we all stop being hypocrites for once and I am not asking for too much.

@Debrief

Funny but the one that caught my eyes was where he called his wife "un important". May my kids not come across these sites cos if they do, they will think their mum is mentally sick for bringing them up in a completely different way from the average Nigerians. A man beats you up after CS and we are still talking about "acceptable time frame". I cannot just wrap my head around this one. I can't

Me and you are busy chopping turkey leg in our husbands house, no stress no worries. I have been married for how many years and I am saying it now that my husband does not yell at me and he knows better than to try that one on me. I am married does not mean that I have sold my dignity, pride and worth as a woman to a man. I still hold them firmly and have secured my daughters and even my husband is doing a better job than I am in their lives.

2 Likes

Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:38pm On Oct 13, 2012
chaircover: Many of you just dont understand.

And yes I have a good marriage but its no where near perfect and we do have our ups and downs. Ive said it time and time on this forum our first year was hell and some would have cracked under the pressure and left. Today I am one of the happiest women on this earth. I am yet to even hear of or even smell of a man who is anywhere near my husband when it comes to the word husband and father and that is the honest truth. Nothing comes easy . . .NOTHING.

Did he hit you after a CS? did he call you useless? did he ever beat in the presence of your unborn or born child that the whole village in the form of inlaws had to come settle the issue?

If none of the above happened then please take a seat at the back like I have done.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:39pm On Oct 13, 2012
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:40pm On Oct 13, 2012
Johnthentic: if i were you since i am been paid 110k per month is pointless been with him, cos you dnt know what he might do next so just go and find a beta place for you and ur kids...


N110 is not big money as you think. She may survive with it but wont be comfortable with her kids. Her job may require her buying suits and looking smash.

This is ridiculous. Something must have gone wrong when your husband suddenly changed since he wasnt like that before. Am someone who likes tackling situations and and proffering solutions by finding out that causative agent.

You must sit down with your husband and praise him for being a nice man to you which lead you to decide marrying him. Tell him all the good things he did for you even after marriage, but tell him that you observed he has changed and when he did. Listen to him. I guess he wont slap you for starting such a discussion.

He will definitely talk to you, unless he is senseless which i dont believe him to be. (For me, i believe he is seeing another woman where he resides outside the country). You can still get him back.
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:41pm On Oct 13, 2012
I am looking at the part were he called the mother of his children useless believe it or not. I am used to the beating thread but to have a man that has a tongue that shoots words that pierce the heart as much as his hands does? knock me in the head right now and I will beg to come back
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:43pm On Oct 13, 2012
Re: Pls Help, My Marriage Is Killing Me. by Nobody: 1:48pm On Oct 13, 2012
And we didn't have issues as well? at least your face was still fresh, mouth and lips intact for you people to communicate. He still saw you as his wife and not some important thing he brought into his house. CC honestly, it is a crime and it's sinful before God to even compare your peaceful home to this one here. A man that abuses a woman is not a man and a home that experiences such things have got more issues than you and I have got or will ever get.

It is only a woman that is alive that can fight for her marriage not a corpse.

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