There is another woman who is now taking his money and attention. Classical, especially when both of you live apart. Where does he satisfy his sexual urge, or you think he holds it for two months? I don't know why some women are so naive.

You need to find out who she is and deal with the situation both physically and spiritually.

dayokanu

trying to force equity on the woman is unwholesome

If he wants to buy land for the family, this is good.. but will their joint names be on the title
On the rent, co-opting her to pay a 40% of the rent is not the way to go,

Soon she will be forced to pay the school fees all in the name of financial equity.. this things can be discussed
There are many families where the man earns less than the woman and it works smoothly

This mans approach is not the way

Well if betuch is real, since there is nothing the man is getting from you.. move away from him for now and then try and work things out before he turns you to aworolo.

Just one question!
Did this man marry you because u were pregnant for him( outside wedlock) /or did you tie him down with pregnancy?

@ Modele
Thank u for saving me all that typing.

Madam......I am emotionally compelled to comment on this post. Your home i must confess is nt different from most home around.
My dear, if you happen to see the shit going on in peoples homes, you will rather thank God for yours.
Be prayerful, keep urself buzy with the kids, find joy in them and God will reward u
As for you husband, he still has a log in his eyes....the day d gud lord will pull d logs off, he will come begging......your prayers should be that he shouldnt waste a good part of your companion.......

God is watchin ur endeavours......he will soon come to ur rescue.......i hope u find this post rewarding.

A woman shouldnt wait when a man falls out of love with.Once that thing has triggered off,i never comes back on and nothing particalarly causes it,but it happens most frequently in a situation when a woman is not very assertive.

A man likes it tough,considerate and bubbly and a woman should be likeise too.

Issues of this nature will continue to rare it`s ugly head in marriage as much as people continue to marry for the wrong reasons and up until the society stops to place undue emphases on marriage.It is the pride of every man,especially a Nigerian to shoulder the financial responsibility of his family,so there is more to your story that your husband wants to see you spend more than you earn or pick part of the bills of running the home when he is financially buoyant as you have stated. Something must have prompted him to follow that path. I want you to answer the below question and with that,i will come back to give you my final input:

1. How long did you court him before you got married and were you also picking part of the bills while you were dating?
2. If your answer to the above question is "NO" at what time in your marriage did he adopt this attitude?
3.Does he know how much you are earning?
4.Do you know in actual fact how much he has as profit after business,monthly or yearly?

@Poster.
You are getting a lot of advice here.

The only useful and practical advice that I think you should read, re-read, print in hard copy, digest, chew, ponder, analyse and apply is the one offered by DayoKanu.

You see, we Nigerians rush into bringing God into every equation which is not a bad thing, except for the fact that many (nay, most) of us do not fear God at all. This is where I have serious reservations about a lot of the advice offered by many other respondents to your problem. Simply put, I dont know how God-fearing you are, but if you are not, let it be clear that no amount of prayer will help you in this matter. God helps those who help themselves. He is not going to come down (or send Angels) to help you be a decent person. YOU have to make the human effort first.

Regardless, prayer or no prayer, I perceive you as a very selfish person since you consider paying hospital bill for your child as burden. This matter alone (hospital bill) summarises your character. And this hospital bill matter is more weighty and more important than: who pays house rent; who owns the land; who owns the car; or who populated the soup with stockfish.

You dont want to contribute now, yet it is your type that will be fighting their in-laws for inheritance when a husband dies.

Now I detest the fact that this man beats you. But considering your selfish and non-family oriented attitude towards the upkeep of the home and the children, I make bold to postulate that there is more to this story and why he went physical on you.

Read Dayokanu's advice. Reflect and change your ways.

If you are to pray for anything, please pray for the well-being and success of your entire family, for your husband's understanding and most importantly, for God to give you the wisdom and patience to do what is right as and when due.

Dont waste your time praying for your husband to initiate a monthly direct debit for loads money which you will now blow on whatever it is you are currently blowing your own salary on - to the detriment of your kids health. That prayer will not reach anywhere.

biolabee: dayokanu

trying to force equity on the woman is unwholesome

If he wants to buy land for the family, this is good.. but will their joint names be on the title
On the rent, co-opting her to pay a 40% of the rent is not the way to go,

Soon she will be forced to pay the school fees all in the name of financial equity.. this things can be discussed
There are many families where the man earns less than the woman and it works smoothly

This mans approach is not the way

Well if betuch is real, since there is nothing the man is getting from you.. move away from him for now and then try and work things out before he turns you to aworolo.

Is equity what you call contributing 1/3 of your own rent, 40% of our family investment? or paying your own kids hospital bills?

So when the husband is away, She would wait till he comes before taking the children to hospital simply because she doesnt want to pay? That is grossly irresponsible.

Do you need to tell your partner that she needs to contribute to the finances of the household?

She is paying 1/3 of the rent where the husband doesnt stay most of the time yet she wants to be thanked?

I asked is she also contributing to the rent of where the husband lives in Ghana

And whats wrong with the woman paying the School fees of HER children

So can you tell us what she is contributing to the house, when she expects a thank you for contributing to her own rent, paying her own childrens medical bills

Pray to God and ask Baba God to return ur husband to you: the man u married (there must be some qualities u saw in him b4 agreeing to marry him). Then be patient, marriage is a life-long contract, dont be in a hurry to bolt out. If not for anything else for the sake of ur children. Then if uv truly not been cooking for him and washing his cloths, start doing it if u truly want him back: this might do the 'magic'. My wife cooks for me and she also chose to be washing my clothes; its not a big deal. If you dont know how to cook, go and learn fast and start cooking his best meals for him. Ur life might be more miserable if u leave ur marriage.

Well your story is very touching but I have learnt no to believe on sided tales. The only part I do not like is the aspect of physical abuse if its true. From your narration, the main problem threatening the marriage is money, you are mostly financially responsible 4 the family, but I have one advice for you my sister, go ahead and carry the responsibility I really do not believe you that your husband makes enough money and will not want to pay hospital bills, men are very egocentric and as such issues like hospital bill he will easily want to sort if he truly has the wherewithal. Times are hard sister and thing are not easy for majority of the brothers out there u know, if your job is the main source of sustenance for now, don't hold back, pray together understand each other and communicate properly. If your husband was that irresponsible you wouldn't have married him, I always don't advice dissolution of marriages of financial grounds especially when GOD his provided a means of sustainance for one of the parties. Good luck.

Iam convinced that a spiritual husband or wife is involved in this case. Some of us tend to be dismissive when it comes to matters of spirituality. The simple truth is that these spirit beings exist. They reason like us, love, hate, have sex, and the only thing that differentiates them from us is their spirituality in nature. My sister the earlier you realise this the better for you. In a nutshell you and your husband need deliverance.

My dear sister, its a pity that you are going thru all these in d name of marriage. I will not advice you to divorce him for d sake of d children but at d same time, its not right to raise children in dat kind of environment.

I am of d opinion dat you separate from him for a while since u've tried to be a gud wife. If he comes home with d expection of fighting with u and you are not around with d children and u are not picking his calls, he will sit down and talk to himself. And don't 4get to have a savings as one man rightly said.

Hmmmm, its better to be a single parent and be alive than to be dead being married. I knw a story of a woman dat was beaten to death by d husband, it was her 11yrs old girl dat made pple to knw dat it was her father dat beat d woman to death.

Pls pray always, do not neglect the aspect of prayer but note that God will not do everythg for us, He want us to do somethg for ourself. So, decide on what to do. God will help us all IJN, amen,

Well your story is very touching but I have learnt no to believe on sided tales. The only part I do not like is the aspect of physical abuse if its true. From your narration, the main problem threatening the marriage is money, you are mostly financially responsible 4 the family, but I have one advice for you my sister, go ahead and carry the responsibility I really do not believe you that your husband makes enough money and will not want to pay hospital bills, men are very egocentric and as such issues like hospital bill he will easily want to sort if he truly has the wherewithal. Times are hard sister and thing are not easy for majority of the brothers out there u know, if your job is the main source of sustenance for now, don't hold back, pray together understand each other and communicate properly. If your husband was that irresponsible you wouldn't have married him, I always don't advice dissolution of marriages of financial grounds especially when GOD his provided a means of sustainance for one of the parties. Good luck.

Well your story is very touching but I have learnt no to believe on sided tales. The only part I do not like is the aspect of physical abuse if its true. From your narration, the main problem threatening the marriage is money, you are mostly financially responsible 4 the family, but I have one advice for you my sister, go ahead and carry the responsibility I really do not believe you that your husband makes enough money and will not want to pay hospital bills, men are very egocentric and as such issues like hospital bill he will easily want to sort if he truly has the wherewithal. Times are hard sister and thing are not easy for majority of the brothers out there u know, if your job is the main source of sustenance for now, don't hold back, pray together understand each other and communicate properly. If your husband was that irresponsible you wouldn't have married him, I always don't advice dissolution of marriages of financial grounds especially when GOD his provided a means of sustainance for one of the parties. Good luck.

savanto: This is Super Story. The Poster is newly registered. I don't believe it one bit...sorry OP
Next person pls...i haven't got all day here.

Tssk, child, child...pray tell, do you have an idea of how many members here have multiple ID's, ? clearly you don't suppose all 957733 members as at the time of my typing this response are unique and different individuals. Oh, did you hear of Facebook's 1 billion members and that almost 69million of them are duplicate/dud.
Please, next time be a little more logical in arriving at your conclusions. Hopefully you'll get to do Philosophy and Logic in your first year at the University in a couple of years, so try to study harder.
Do you have an idea how many people remain guests on Nairaland until the need arises for them to join in order to create or respond to a thread.
At least you have upped your number of posts, so now with a very wide grin could you go join your mates playing with sand outside, OK, good boy. No need spending all day with us, we're discussing grown-up talk.
Bye

;DThe three most important factors to consider and resolved verbally before jumping into the institution of marriage.

1. Money
2. Chore:
3. Sex

These three are the deal maker or breaker.

Wonder what they teach couples in pre-marriage counseling class[/i]The three most important factors to consider and resolved verbally before jumping into the institution of marriage.

1. Money
2. Chore:
3. Sex

These three are the deal maker or breaker.

Wonder what they teach couples in pre-marriage counseling clas

Is he lucifer's first son??

He must be lucifers pikin. Wicked man

liu_kang:
Tssk, child, child...pray tell, do you have an idea of how many members here have multiple ID's, ? clearly you don't suppose all 957733 members as at the time of my typing this response are unique and different individuals. Oh, did you hear of Facebook's 1 billion members and that almost 69million of them are duplicate/dud.
Please, next time be a little more logical in arriving at your conclusions. Hopefully you'll get to do Philosophy and Logic in your first year at the University in a couple of years, so try to study harder.
Do you have an idea how many people remain guests on Nairaland until the need arises for them to join in order to create or respond to a thread.
At least you have upped your number of posts, so now with a very wide grin could you go join your mates playing with sand outside, OK, good boy. No need spending all day with us, we're discussing grown-up talk.
Bye

LMAO

Rubbish...serves u right..u probably jilted some serious loving and average monied guy for ur husband..dats wot all naija gals do..leaving serious minded struggling young man for d business or 419boys..now u r complaining..stew in ur juice or better still bounce..rubbish once again

OP, every coin has two sides, and they are hardly ever both tails... He might truly be the monster you painted him. I only hope you can beat ur chest and say you have been the best wife anyone could be in your situation. Trust me, little things matter. Little things like the WAY you talk to him. It takes two to argue, or fight. Why don't you calmly try to talk to him sometime? Let him know how you feel... He is in a better position to understand you. Him... not Nairalanders. If that fails, consider your kids. Divorce is a kid's worst nightmare!

savanto: This is Super Story. The Poster is newly registered. I don't believe it one bit...sorry OP
Next person pls...i haven't got all day here.

I hope this is not another story teller. Like the one who said she used catfish to cook egusi soup while goat meat to cook peppersoup.

All of u tryin to find faults in OP's post.Those talkin abt the hospital bill of her child and d contributions,what of collectin her money to give his mom-inlaw.Or y'all dint read that part?

Poster,u shd follow ur heart and pray that it guides u right.My so-called father used to beat my mom but stopped after he hit her tummy and waist with his elbow when she was 8mths preggy with me and she fainted,she regained contiousness but pretended to faint again,she made him panic and suffer so much.But then they lived for only 2yrs b4 he moved abroad and I believed he would have kept beating her if he was still around.Now I can tell u dat my only bro would never beat his gf/wife cos my mom wud always tell him "if u want to fight,go outside,there are boys like u there looking for who to fight,don't fight with my girls".It made my bro realise that as a male u don't beat female no matter what and as a guy in his mid-20's he lives wit that ideology but if we grew up with dat wife-beater how can my mom caution him when he sees his father beat up his wife?So pray and follow ur heart.

Betuch2012: Thanks everyone on your responses so far. I have visited him 3 times where he is based and he has no wife or any live in. That I am very sure because I also have relatives around there who would have told me if there is anything of that nature. In terms of making the home comfortable whenever he is around I always do that, I make up in all aspects for those 2 months he does not stay with us anytime he comes back. But each time he finds a way of attaching me emotionally. Its not only when he is around, even when we talk on phone. I always cry for him and he know that but it doesn't touch him. I later decided I will not shed a single tear again for him but each time its as if my heart will burst. Once my mum came visiting, when she was leaving he had to collect money from me dat he gave my mum because he didn't want to part with his own money. My heart is bleeding because I grew up in a family filled with love and I receive my fair share of love from my parents and siblings. I am very bitter inside but I manage to put a cheerful disposition around my kids and people around me. Not to blow my trumpets but am the last person to pick a qquarell with somebody so it amazes me that am going through all this pains in my marriage which I never thought could happen to me.

Sorry about your pain but what is your own explanation of his behaviour? I don't intend to insult or offend you but could he be mentally or psychologically disturbed?

I am afraid that he could seek to kill you should you let him know you might leave him. Stories like this really break my heart.

Its disheartening as regard ur case, but for every problem there is possibly solutions. U need to revisit the foundation of dat marriage very well. Is it faulty or otherwise? If it is faulty,dats a serious issue, secondly ur husband might be having an affair wit a strange woman somewhere cos I don't see reasons why a husband will start beating the wife he married nd already had kids 4 him.Beloved cry unto d lord to purge the foundation of ur marriage, ask for his mercy if u pple had done anytin wrong. Also pray to God to disconnect ur husband from dat strange woman. Believing God will heal ur marriage and bring peace,joy to ur home.

dayokanu:

Is equity what you call contributing 1/3 of your own rent, 40% of our family investment? or paying your own kids hospital bills?

So when the husband is away, She would wait till he comes before taking the children to hospital simply because she doesnt want to pay? That is grossly irresponsible.

Do you need to tell your partner that she needs to contribute to the finances of the household?

She is paying 1/3 of the rent where the husband doesnt stay most of the time yet she wants to be thanked?

I asked is she also contributing to the rent of where the husband lives in Ghana

And whats wrong with the woman paying the School fees of HER children

So can you tell us what she is contributing to the house, when she expects a thank you for contributing to her own rent, paying her own childrens medical bills

There is nothing wrong with a woman paying the school fees for her kids after all single mothers do it
My point is that the approach of the man foisting this responsibility and stepping back in the name of equity is wrong

This shd be an issue for both of them to discuss and find sharing percentages or whatever suits them

There are various models to sort this out

Both of them open a joint account to cater for schooling, hospital bills, rent etc. An equitable formula is decided on to do this
But the approach of beating his wife to pass this across should be condemned.

He should remember that if he passes away, she is directly responsbible for his legacy

I also asked u the land he bought, whose name would he have bought it... think again
Men like these would buy it in their own names..

Some bloody inlaws would come in the future and say their borther owned everything

Divorce is the only option...this is pure bondage, not marriage..be wise, life is short.. My mum's sister died in an isolated and abusive marriage in her prime age of 45yrs, because she stayed back, beared, prayed continuosly believes her husband will change, but unfortunately he became worse and nonchalant and even married a 2nd wife. But she still stayed in their home, because she wants to protect her children from the trauma of divorce. She slumped and died through cardiac arrest one morning , while taking her bath ...... and :oher eyes were plucked off, when she was about to be buried .... it was terrible moment for her children, my mum and her family...
No bad and inconsiderate man is worth the hassle...hell no! ...May her soul rest in perfect peace

biolabee: There is nothing wrong with a woman paying the school fees for her kids after all single mothers do it
My point is that the approach of the man foisting this responsibility and stepping back in the name of equity is wrong

This shd be an issue for both of them to discuss and find sharing percentages or whatever suits them

There are various models to sort this out

Both of them open a joint account to cater for schooling, hospital bills, rent etc. An equitable formula is decided on to do this
But the approach of beating his wife to pass this across should be condemned.

He should remember that if he passes away, she is directly responsbible for his legacy

I also asked u the land he bought, whose name would he have bought it... think again
Men like these would buy it in their own names..

Some bloody inlaws would come in the future and say their borther owned everything

I am against the beating.

When land are bought and even if the man dies, He has children Boys for that matter so In this case I dont think any inlaw would take away anything from her. Legally and traditionally unless they kill her 2 sons.

Reading the post What impression do you get about the woman? A woman who even mentions that she pays her own children hospital bills? I ask if the husband is away would she not take the kids to hospital?

Or one that wants to be thanked for paying 1/3 of her own rent?

if its money for beer, Clothes and enjoyment we might even be having a discussion but money for your own kids hospital bills, your own rent or an asset for your family?

Definitely the woman thinks all the burden should be on the husband while she does whatever she wants with her own money

Based on her post she stated that she pays 1/3 that means the Husband is paying 2/3 of the rent where she lives. Tell me is that not fair enough?

How is the man foisting equality when he pays 2/3 or 60% of major expenses? Is it until he picks the bill 100% that it would be fair?

I ask who pays for the mans rent in Ghana, I am sure if you ask the woman if she contributes to her husbands rent in Ghana she would think its a crazy idea.

Grew up in a home similar to yours and trust me Men like your husband will never change, its a habit that bothers on a complex(inferiority), remember all the psychological and physical abuse we had to take from my dad growing up, we are all grown now and have forgiven him( can still remember walking into his room and seeing him with another woman when we traveled to see him on holidays without notice **no GSM then**, was 9 yrs old at the time ). My dear you have to choose, you either stay in your marriage and allow your kids to be your source of joy(as my mother did) or you leave him, take your kids with you and live the rest of your life in peace(trust me this marriage thing is overrated). My elder brother is now 30yrs and is still traumatized. My dear make your choice and make it fast, wish you luck....

Bravoy: Grew up in a home similar to yours and trust me Men like your husband will never change, its a habit that bothers on a complex(inferiority), remember all the psychological and physical abuse we had to take from my dad growing up, we are all grown now and have forgiven him( can still remember walking into his room and seeing him with another woman when we traveled to see him on holidays without notice **no GSM then**, was 9 yrs old at the time ). My dear you have to choose, you either stay in your marriage and allow your kids to be your source of joy(as my mother did) or you leave him, take your kids with you and live the rest of your life in peace(trust me this marriage thing is overrated). My elder brother is now 30yrs and is still traumatized. My dear make your choice and make it fast, wish you luck....

Well said.

Marriage is not by force. It is meant to be enjoyed, not endured.

modele2: Your challenge is very real and I chose to reply becos i have experienced a part of it(fortunately not the beating part but the part where he wants you to spend every penny you have).

First take a patience pill. A president is respected not becos of the person he is but the office he occupies. Your husbands attitude may be like po, but becos of his office as husband, still give him respect.

1. Call him regularly, be cheerful on the phone when you call, ask him about his activities nicely and be genuinely interested, Dont NAG about money. You can ask about the household needs when you really really have to. if he refuses, let it be.
2. Thank God you have a job and make do with what you have, dont make your contributions an issue, limit your contributions to what is necessary, no fancy stuff.
3. When he comes around stop the confrontation, since he does not listen and resorts to violence. Make the house as comfortable as possible for him
4. Stop asking about the car, your nagging will not get it for you, as you are doing save towards one if you can and it would stop giving him reasons to annoy you, forget the car is there. He would later wonder why you are not asking and might offer it,a t least for his children school runs.
5. Another problem is the distance, he is not around and cant see how you contribute to the family upkeep, if he has any resonable bone in his body, u could do a cash book of your expenses from time to time and show him.
6. His not being around also means honestly...that u add little value to him in terms of perks of marriage, so try and make up for it when he is around.
7. Find contentment in other things, make the house a nice place for him when he returns, reduce the quarrels as much as u can, peharps he can regard you with more warmth. He would at a point look forward to comming home.
8. Look for support, raising the boys alone is not easy, get help so you can have more time for your self.
9. Then my dear, dont be tired of praying.
10. One day he would come round and you would truly begin to enjoy your marriage. One person has to conscede or play the fool in a quarrel, since it is thou that seeketh peace, then thou must play the fool.

how long do you think her patience will hold? How long do you think the huby is willing to change? Are they willing to make the union work.
Is ur hubby educated, cos his bhavior is far from this. Though being educated doesnt mean one have gud reasoning but it helps.

Let me tell u dat u wuld av noticed his cunning and greedy habit with money if u were not blinded by i must get married syndrome, its a murderer notion and it is killing many ppl. Must u marry? No, those ppl dat want u to marry are not d one being bitten.

If u alone wants to make d marage work. Am outta here. Get d attention of ur huby tel him dat u want d both of u to make ur marriage work. Each other shld mention were tins av gone wrong den decide to turn a gud leave.

Stop asking about a car, he has been taking negative notion about oda wife buying cars 4 deir husbnd but he shldnt be praying 4 such. When he shld buy 4 his wife or share.

Try to start doing house chores. Cook and wash, simple.
Try as much as u can to use ur money at most u can in ur home.

I doubt if he is a true son of God. U were luking 4 sum1 and u dont know dat sum1 dat fear God will hardly turn his home upside down. Ensure ur family are prayerful and God fearin, hence ur children might be influenced wrongly.

I dont know hw to tell him to learn how to love and respect his wife 4 crying out loud.