And those people married to angels have started asking her to run, how can you read someone's story and just assume the guy would potentially abuse her?
Does being insecure equate to being an abuser?

Happy single miss indeed. SMH

naijathings:
you say no be fight?
go tell yor papa to grow up..idiort

Huh?

Thank You!

But OP u sound like a very busy person who is always occupied, I hav come to notice in a relationshio wen one of dem is always occupied it somhow creates a feelin of suspicion and jealosy on d oda who is less occupied. U can stil find time to get to know him better or not befor d marriage.
Finally it only boils down to 2 options, either u stay or u leave. So sorry.

pweeryambre:
True but sadly dat is the reality of the nature of d society we live in.. Dis sort of thin happend to my cousin 6yrs ago nd she dumped the guy like hot iron and now she is 35 and lonely and it downed on her dat as she was livin her guy, nobody told her to atlist find a replacement first. If d poster must leave d man she shuld b sure to hav anoda potential suitor by d side other wise it wld seem silly of d whole thin.. Meanwhile most husband and wives till today still suspect each oda one way or another. Wether dey admit it or not. But in dis case her man is mostly over reacting.

A living dog is better than a dead lion! You cousin is lonely, miserable and frustrated not because she broke up with the dude but because she wants to be.
And whats this nonsense about getting a backup first? Do you think we are discussing PHCN and generators?

@ poster the guy is feeling seriously insecured nd extremely jealous. I think u shld let him knw abt dis nd make ur intentions knwn to him. He might nt realise dat he is been too jealous. If he doesn't change my sister run for ur life oo because dat kinda guy can kill. A broken relashionship is better dan a broken marriage

Chrisbenogor: And those people married to angels have started asking her to run, how can you read someone's story and just assume the guy would potentially abuse her?
Does being insecure equate to being an abuser?

Happy single miss indeed. SMH

Every abuser is insecure. Does that answer you?

member_126910: Thanks for the advice. Is there any part of my post above which suggests that things cannot be worked out? I'm just really upset about this, and I'm in a mess.

The whole text has given you reasons to quit. Think of yourself now you still have the opportunity.

slimyem: I am highlighting all the truthful posts on this thread so the op can read again.
It seems to be that though she knows everything isn't right and she should run,she's HOPING he'll change which will never be.Its going to get worse...
Sad but true!!
I'm afraid for her already!
Here's another beautiful advice!

@OP

SlimYem is absolutely right on this one. You deserve better, so please don't make the gravest mistake any beautiful young lady can make. You already know what to do. It almost seems like you came here to find reasons why you should endure a miserable and hopelessly doomed marital life.

azpekuliar: It's just a case of insecurity and being overly jealous to the point of now becoming controlling, invasive and manipulative. It's no reason to bail out of the relationship.

You only need to keep reassuring him of your love for him and why you would always be there for him. I'm sure he has fears and anxieties (perhaps born out of the fact that he was an ex-player) but this is not the time to be dismissive of them, but to lend a listening ear.

The man loves you and some fair amount of jealousy is necessary to maintain a healthy relationship but let him know that this sort of extreme jealousy can also alienate you from him.

He's a jealous man that just needs extra reassurance of your unconditional love for him. Provide that and go on with them marriage plans.

Good luck!

My dear you have said it all. And its the best thing the poster should do. those advising her to leave the relationship, the next one she will see her self in do you know what it will be like? he who has ear let him hear.

I think you should talk to your parents about your fears No matter how much to talk t him now he"l just pretend for the next two months inorder to marry you So how about you postpone the wedding for mayb eight months that will give you enough time to monitor his behaviour more

Mrs.Chima:
Go ahead and marry him. They are jealous.

Am shocked that this came from you
How in the world did you interpret the poster story as jealousy? All that phone checking/questioning, twitter hacking, and showing up where he planned not to be just to know/see what she's doing? Did you read where he said it will be bloody if she cheats on him? And talking to someone on a plan means cheating to the same guy and you want her to marry him?
Mrs Chima, the guy described by this girl is a control freak and not a jealous guy. He's doing all this controlling from his own house what will their own home be like when they move in together? Are there two mrs Chima on NL? Or are you the same one that brake/help abusive women/home?

@poster: your man seems to be the controlling type and also the type that won't take No for any/an answer. You know him more than all of us here and if you're really old enough to be married I believe you should also be old enough to advise yourself or make the right decision! Having said that, I will advise you to call off the marriage for now at least to know how he will react to that! It's hard to brake a relationship if you love the person but girl if you feel this pressure now then multiply that by 10 in marriage! Though that's not how/what marriage should be. So tell him it's over and see his reactions! If he comes begging and all that, give him your reasons for calling it off and see if things improve. If he comes back threatening and accusing you of meeting or having someone else, then he's not ready to change or better still grow up! I don't know your age, I didn't read all previous pages to hear what you had to say but you do sound young! And too young to be in an abusive relationship not to talk of marriage! Good luck!

Your fiance has serious trust issues originating from his past experiences, that's understandable but u don't deserve to be punished for it.

A lot of peeps on this thread would tell u to immediately quit and go for someone else but I feel a resistance in you to do that because you actually love this guy who actually has many other unmentioned positive qualities. This I commend because you don't quit on a person you truly love, you do your best to help them.

You guys would require some relationship counselling sessions with a professional therapist to iron out this issue once and for all before you proceed to marriage. Please take a hold and suggest it to him after you have broken down before him making him realise how he's hurting your feelings and making you weary of the journey ahead with his attitude.

If he really loves u, he'll listen and follow you, he needs this to become fully healed of whatever has been haunting him, I asure you he can become a better person, pls don't give up on him just yet.

Goodluck

Odunnu:
A living dog is better than a dead lion! You cousin is lonely, miserable and frustrated not because she broke up with the dude but because she wants to be.
And whats this nonsense about getting a backup first? Do you think we are discussing PHCN and generators?

Why is everybody now seeing the future to conclude dat he is goin to kil her,? because of his overly display of insecurity. Isnt dat why we have pschologist to help piple with such issues. No wonder psychologist don't thrive as a business in our country because of d way we exerggarate and conclude things.

stop consoling ursef dt he is luvin n caring u beta run 4 ur dear life. He wil nva change

Ayomax: I pity you, he will even hack ur nairaland account and see ur topic. tht when original wahala go start!!!!!

Ayo, you're not far from the truth. If he can hack her Twitter account, what stops him from hacking all her online social media accounts?

I'm just imaging they're married and she frequents nairaland and the guy hacks her account and unfortunately comes across this thread.

Remember she said the guy hates their matters being disclosed to third parties. I can imagine his outburst when he finds out that she brought their relationship to World Wide Web(www).

Babe, this guy could get to find out you discussed your affairs online oh. Please save yourself a whole lifetime of headaches, migraines, mental, psychological, verbal and likely physical abuse.

IMO, if you marry this guy, he will reduce your self esteem and worth to -0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

member_126910: Hi guys, I need fresh eyes to look at this situation, as it is bugging me constantly.

I've been engaged to this guy for about 20 months, and we got engaged after 2-3 months of dating. Even though I was a virgin at 25 when we met, I have had previous boyfriends. He grilled me several times in the beginning, wanting to know what specifically I had "done" in the past with them, even going as far as to asking if I was gay.

We live apart, and he has always been obsessed with the idea of me "cheating". When we started, if he phoned me and I was unavailable for any reason, it meant that I was being suspicious even though I called him back asap. It doesn't help also that he is very cunning. On one occasion, I invited him to church with me, he pretended he wasn't coming, dropped me off at the station, and immediately followed me on the train back to church to see if I indeed was going where I said I was. When confronted, he said it was because I gave him a reason to believe that I was cheating by not always answering my phone immediately - he thought I was meeting up with friends after service. (Even if I do, I still don't see why this should be a problem!). One public holiday, I had lots of work to do at home so I told him I was going to work when I wasn't (I didn't want to be disturbed). He called my work, and as I wasn't there, he concluded I was cheating. He confronted me about it, and I admitted that I lied about going to work, but only because I needed to get some work done at home. He was terribly upset about this, even shouting at me down the phone. It was only later that I realised that he got so emotional because he had assumed that I was cheating, not because he was betrayed by me lying about where I was. He admits that he has had several partners before me, and also that he had never been 100% faithful to any one of them. Yet, I do not try to grill him in the same way. I do not assume that he is cheating when anything happens, if he doesn't answer his phone immediately. The funny thing about this is that the day he told me that he had never been faithful to anyone before (even in a 5 year relationship that he was in - he said the lady cheated, so he cheated for revenge), [b]he immediately followed up saying that things might get bloody if I ever cheated on him.[/b]His first reaction if anything happens between us is "Who have you told?". He says that he doesn't want us bringing 'outsiders' into our marriage issues, which is a valid approach, but I am beginning to doubt the intention behind this.

Recently, I found out that he has (without my knowledge), not just hacked into my Twitter account but also set up his phone to receive an alert whenever anyone mentions me or sends me a message on Twitter. This is not just a hack which lets you log into my Twitter. This is an alert like a text message. This means that wherever he is, whatever he is doing, he wants to know what who contacts me on Twitter. He does have a Twitter account but isn't interested in anything I have to say and so he isn't following me. Rather he is interested in the private messages I get, and what messages people send me. By the way, I have absolutely nothing whatsoever to hide there. I do have male "followers", but these are people who I learn from. I'm quite interested in business and technology and I think it's a great learning resource for other people's experiences. So I don't mind that he can see all my conversations. What I mind about is that 2 months to our wedding, this man is convinced enough that I might be flirting with other men, that he is still trying to catch me out through various methods. This worries me, because why would anyone go through wedding planning and preparations with someone they don't trust? I'm not a flirt, I don't have many friends yet I'm being treated like a criminal. I almost regret saving up myself all these years only to end up being monitored and investigated for infidelity for no just cause. This breaks my heart because I don't treat him the same way, and I don't know what I have done to deserve this kind of treatment.

The ironic thing is that early this year, I met a guy on the plane, who can be desribed as a ladies man. This man stared at me for the entire duration of the 6-hour flight, at the end of which he stopped me to chat me up. I initially thought he recognised me from somewhere, but when it seemed he just wanted to chat a girl up, I told him I was married and walked away. I narrated this to my fiance, and by pure coincidence 3 months later, it turned out the same guy in question was dating my fiance's cousin, and had narrated the incident to her as well, confirming my story in public! If anyone ever needed reassurance, then I would have thought that would be it - but my fiance says that his problem is that I shouldn't even have had a conversation with a stranger in the first place! So basically he's not convinced that I wouldn't sleep with any odd guy that catches my fancy if he had the right qualities. When you love someone, have given them yourself in a way that you'll never give anyone, and want to spend the rest of your life with them, this is very hard to hear. I understand that he has been cheated on before, and it was difficult for him, being a very very caring guy, but it still doesn't justify punishing me for other peoples sins.

What do you make of this, guys? Are his fears justified? Is this how Nigerian relationships usually are, or is my case a special case? I'm really really pissed off about this Twitter issue, especially as there is no need for it.

This worries me

pweeryambre:
Why is everybody now seeing the future to conclude dat he is goin to kil her,? because of his overly display of insecurity. Isnt dat why we have pschologist to help piple with such issues. No wonder psychologist don't thrive as a business in our country because of d way we exerggarate and conclude things.

Psychology or counseling can't change anybody that don't want to change! And it's all business in the western world too! Compare the rate of the so called saved homes to the divorced.

ghettodreamz:

Huh?

Thank You!

you are welcome man.. LMAO

Odunnu:
Every abuser is insecure. Does that answer you?

What I asked was if insecure people are abusers, physical abusers for that matter. The conclusion is way too steep way too fast.
All squares are rhombuses does that mean all rhombuses are squares?

ferhyntorlah:

Ayo, you're not far from the truth. If he can hack her Twitter account, what stops him from hacking all her online social media accounts?

I'm just imaging they're married and she frequents nairaland and the guy hacks her account and unfortunately comes across this thread.

Remember she said the guy hates their matters being disclosed to third parties. I can imagine his outburst when he finds out that she brought their relationship to World Wide Web(www).

Babe, this guy could get to find out you discussed your affairs online oh. Please save yourself a whole lifetime of headaches, migraines, mental, psychological, verbal and likely physical abuse.


IMO, if you marry this guy, he will reduce your self esteem and worth to -0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001.

see as una just dey call HACK like say na to lick icecream.. I dey laff. if he can HACK all your accounts then the guy na good guy oh i for like meet am.

member_126910: *They*? You meanthe people on this thread?

You are 2 months away from your wedding and the. You come to a faceless forum with a lot of kids, immature boys and girls, people who are still 5 years away from being close to getting married, people who may in fact be worse than this your fiancé and the advise you are being given is to RUN? Is that an advice for someone two minus away from getting married? You can't work things out with him by professional counselling, counsellig from older, married and experienced folks who you both know and respect?

Chrisbenogor: And those people married to angels have started asking her to run, how can you read someone's story and just assume the guy would potentially abuse her?
Does being insecure equate to being an abuser?

Happy single miss indeed. SMH

When she comes to lament or start a thread about abuse in a few months of marriage to him,you are the same ones who'll ask her if she didn't see the signs and/or why she ignored them..
You are the same ones who'l tell her how she has laid her bed and should lie on it and how divorce is not an option!!
I'm not surprised!!!

@poster
I think you have put your fiance in that position .He stalked you to church means you have done something he won't hurriedly forget .What is that thing you have done ?you need to address it ASAP.Am sure he must have revealed this issue to you .His attirude is not normal ,if you love him address what the issue his .If you are sure there aren't any issues ,then yiou need to sit him down and ask him why he doesn't trust you .Does your work entails interactions with male visitors or customers ,although it isn't an issue but have you been in a compromising situation with any of them ?If there is any reason to leave him I think it should be on the basis of his statement "if you cheat on me ,it will be bloody".Because cheating in his own definition could be side glances ,or walking or talking with another guy .You should be careful here ,tell him what he means by this ,also ask him if he means you shouldn't talk to another guy or walk with them .You need to ask specific questions .Marriage is a life time you need to be happy while in it ,your relationship needs to be critically analysed by you and except you address this issue ,marriage should be a No-No

@jp philips
YES VIRGINITY IS A TROPHY AND SHE DESERVES TO BE CONGRATULATED IN A WORLD WHERE MANY THINKS WHORING IS THE BEST PART OF LIFE.
SHE CAN EASILY BE LIKE THE PEOPLE YOU REFERRED TO(whores) BUT THEY WILL NEVER BE LIKE HER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE!!

@poster, BETTER AND EASY TO BREAK ENGAGEMENT THAN MARRIAGE. ONE BIG MISTAKE YOU WILL MAKE IS TO ASSUME THAT YOUR GUY WILL CHANGE AFTER MARRIAGE COS THAT'S NEXT TO IMPOSSIBILITY SO MAKE A DECISION FOR YOURSELF AND CHOOSE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!

WISHING YOU DIVINE GUIDANCE!

slimyem: When she comes to lament or start a thread about abuse in a few months of marriage to him,you are the same ones who'll ask her if she didn't see the signs and/or why she ignored them..
I'm not surprised!!!

Did she allude anywhere that he has physically abused her before? I find it shocking that every woman with a relationship wahala should run because a "live dog is better than a dead lion"

[size=18pt]from experience, women tend to come out with these stories when they are sure they have someone else under consideration. if not you will not be here looking for a reason to leave your man. you have been with him, laughing and crying and playing and shopping and furking now you come to seek publik opinion when it is just 2 months to wedding and the guy has been spending money and making plans and sending Invitations. I wish i can catch you and lock you up in a room then go out and give the guy the key so he can give you his opionon. LMAO.
I bet N100,000 that you are seeing someone else and now looking for excuse to leave this one.[/size]

Our people say. . . "dem no dey tell small pikin make e no put hand inside fa'ya!"

nothing hurts like love , yet nothing rewards like love. If you love your man, stand by him and better still pray really hard. Marriage is not a game. Also take a hard look at yourself, you May be a good girl, but give the impression Youre easy(like a flirt) and that May be why he acts badly.

@ poster

There is no smoke without a fire. What have you done that made him become suspicious of you? I am sure if he doesn't trust you this much he wouldn't have been with you and if you have observed this behavior for long you wouldn't have been with him pass a month or two.

My people would say "he who hears from only one person to make judgement in a quarrel involving two persons, is the chief trouble maker"

I think you both need counselling. You need to get someone he trusts and both of you speak to that individual. Seems he loves you so much that he has become obsessed with you, but then until he speaks no judgment will be objective.

Those who say RUN! RUN!! will end up blaming you in the near future why you left the man that loved you - from the experience of life.

Your choice/decision is more important than what we all think. What you want you know in your heart.

Find Out!:


May my female friends and cousins never cross your path. If they do, may they give a RESOUNDING NO to your proposal. Why not ask her to go for plastic surgery instead so her former friends and admirers won't recognise her. Thats not too big a ''sacrifice'' either.

Rubbish.

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I don't even know what you're doing planning to wed a man that doesn't trust you. My dear, a leopard cannot change its spots. One day he is gonna do something crazy and stupid because of his insecurity.
Before he "hurts someone" you'd better bailed. One more thing, there is nothing to regret about being a virgin (at least for now since u haven't married him yet). I am a 27yr old virgin and I tell you, it pays to wait.

OP,

This is worse than jealousy or insecurity. This is obsession. Please can you tell us a bit more about this guy? What does he do when he is not with you? Does he have friends, family etc? I can't believe anyone will go through this much to monitor his girlfriend.

Anyway, most people have said you should run. I strongly advice you should at least postpone the wedding while you two sort somethings out. He definitely needs to sort himself out and if you really love him, you can help him out here, but please dont marry him yet. He's had nasty experiences in the past and he is also a cheat so he doesnt trust anyone. But how can he marry someone he doesnt trust. He needs to sort out the trust issue or no marriage.

I am a man and I can tell you that you deserve better than this kinda treatment. Even ex-convicts are not being monitored the way you are. Not sure he really is that much of a loving and caring guy because if he is, he will understand you also need a life, friends and other relationships too. And trust me, guys like this will only get worse after marriage and can get violent too!