Dear Nairalanders, I really dont intend to burden you with this, but I really need your help!

I've been dating this guy for 2yr now and we were talking 'wedluck'. All of a sudden, he says its not working out and that he's not ready. Am really devastated because I love him sooo much and I've built my world around him.

I guess its obvious he's getting cold feets. Waht should I do? Stick around and hope he comes around, or kiss and say goodbye!!

Why did he say it is not working out.
Does he mean he thinks you are not compatible, or that he does not yet have what he takes to be married.

We need to know the reasons, it could be financial, it could be compatibility, he could be as you said, cold feet, not just sure if he should go ahead.

The solution depends on the cause, so you need to know the cause, then the solution will be easier to identify.

Thank you soo much OG. I guess u r right, the reason justifies the claim.

Anyway, its certainly not about the money cos he's presently working with one of the oil firms and he's very okay. Besides, I work for an international organization and am also very okay - financially.

Compatibility - Maybe that cud be it, but I find it difficult to accept after all these while. We've had a wonderful time together despite our little misunderstandings now and den.

Our different background cud be it (he's yoruba and am Ibo), but we've both accepted dat a long time ago. And our families have come to terms with it.

Cold feet! thats definitely an option, maybe he's not too sure about everything. tahts why am asking, shd I stay and hope he chages his mind abnd gets over his cold feet, or shd I take the hint and bail out while its still early.

For me, I cud wait for him for ever, but I wont want to make him unhappy by my presence in his life.

when a man has any doubts whatsoever about you then its best you go find someone who is crazy about you. no need dragging him to the alter digging in his heels and screaming.

@Spoilt!
I totally agree with you here


@Poster!
I quite sympathize with you on this issue,but if you think you have tried everything within your power to appeal to his sense of reasoning and he is not buldging,sis, YOU NEED TO MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!
This I understand can be painful and difficult but you will adjuts and get another man that will be crazy about you and please dont now view every guy from this experience oooo.

You are obviously madly in love. I suggest you move on. If he cant give you a decent reason why you should wait dont waste your time!!!!

yea I guess movin on is easier sd than done

I think you should call him to one corner and play the song below for him. 

I personally would have been singin' it to him at 6 months of our relationship or written it in a letter hand delivered to him personally.

You my dear, are a very patient, nice young lady.  I hope you do not pay dearly for it one day, since you have decided to put your happiness and wellbeing behind others'.

Goodluck!


Let's Just Kiss and Say Goodbye-------------------------------The Manhattans


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvpSQUV3eEk

If u truely love him exercise just a little patience, and

with time he will come around,

Two years invested in a relationship is no joke.

Good luck.

Well, if he says he isnt ready - then maybe he isnt otherwise he wont say so.
Maybe he isnt ready to give up his single life.

Girl, its hard but what can u do?
Do u want ur life to be at a stand still while he continues with his?

Let him be, u invested two years into this - gave him ur body and cooked his food - gave him emotional support etc.

Leave him, when he realises his mistake, (because he could) he would come back but at least then u have had the time to think about what u wanted to do and if he was actually the rite person for u.

Girl, how do u even know that its even a good thing ordained by the Almighty that u should give each other some space.

Abeg leave him be jare - its gonna be hard but omo, this is ur life too.

Thats why i say, when u are dating a guy, aqt least withhold something - dont give up everything so u give him something to look forward to.

Hi.

I would agree with one of the respondents that said you should try and discuss with your other half. This involves finding out what actually is the matter, and reasons for this change. Relationships are like investments, once in a while they take time to mature and have there ups and downs. You have already invested some time and from with said its like you know eachother in and out so why not take some time to discuss and listen to what each one of you is trying to convey (and also what is not said, but can be observed).

Kind Regards and take care of yourself

@poster,before your guy of two years cud summon up enough courage to tell you this,hes thought over it thoroughly.There is no point waiting,in as much as its difficult,you have to move on,sis.
he even tried telling you now,he cud have choosen to let you keep living a lie so dear appreciate his honesty and move on,ok.wishing you the best

I think you should prepare to move on.
before moving, discuss with him to know what went wrong. he may be hiding the real reasons from you so as not to hurt you further.

So try and get the real reasons from him. convince him you won't be offended over the reason. The reasons will tell you the next step.
From what you have said, the reason is either you or him.

There might be another woman, in that case move on.

It might be that he does like some things about you, you can talk it over with him, you might win him back. make sacrifices to keep what you have, the next man might be worse.

but the likelihood of getting him back may slim, it normally takes alot of effort to renege of marital promise, and once done, there is always a reason behind it.
so as i said, prepare to move on. and next time don't love a man sooo much, it can be chocking and not every man likes to be chocked.

If your relationship has gotten to the extent of involving your families, then I guess you deserve a good explanation for the breakup. so get the explanation.

if u change ur mind about marrying him
im available
take a chance on me.
i want to get married urgently

2 years is not a long time.
If he has doubts, then he is not the man for you.
A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

ogb5:

I think you should prepare to move on.
before moving, discuss with him to know what went wrong. he may be hiding the real reasons from you so as not to hurt you further.

So try and get the real reasons from him. convince him you won't be offended over the reason. The reasons will tell you the next step.
From what you have said, the reason is either you or him.

There might be another woman, in that case move on.

It might be that he does like some things about you, you can talk it over with him, you might win him back. make sacrifices to keep what you have, the next man might be worse.

but the likelihood of getting him back may slim, it normally takes alot of effort to renege of marital promise, and once done, there is always a reason behind it.
so as i said, prepare to move on. and next time don't love a man sooo much, it can be chocking and not every man likes to be chocked.

If your relationship has gotten to the extent of involving your families, then I guess you deserve a good explanation for the breakup. so get the explanation.

Thanks a lot OGB and of course to you all Nairalanders that has contributed to this. Its nice to know you can have someone to talk to. I'll take your advise and ask him what the problem is. I never really considered the presence of another woman in his life, but now that you mentioned it,

And I'll take your advise and try to love less, Like you sd, it cud be chocky, but I guess we really cant change who we are. My dad once told me I'm the only person he knows who loves without an agenda. I guess most people dont deserve such love,

bennygee:

if u change your mind about marrying him
im available
take a chance on me.
i want to get married urgently

Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll pass,

Seun:

2 years is not a long time.
If he has doubts, then he is not the man for you.
A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage.

Yea right!!!

@ Uju - everyone else has spoken well. My issue is with the fact that you "built your world around him". That's a very risky thing to do because it's a lot harder to move on if your present world is built around a guy who just broke your heart. I hope you move on and find someone that will love you a whole lot better.

U said HE IS NOT READY, meaning he DOES want to marry u but he needs space and time and wants it to go at his pace.

Wait for him, relax ,, do not pressure him, very soon he will come through. Im sure u speak tohim all the time and ur used to seeing him probly everyday.

its not easy to stay off him, but try and rebuild ur life around urself let him remember the lady he fell in love with and wanted to marry and it should work in the end. good luck.

hi i would just say this, dont ever put ur happiness in life hanging on some dude for the sake of love!!!!!in relationship,u shld tink of urself first then ur partner!!!!dats just the way life is, sorry its blunt but come face it,dont waste ur time when a guy acts funny,just cut the crap and move on,or was he doing u a favour by dating u!!!!!!if ur very cool,u wldnt have a prob of attention!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Uju baby!

Please there is a thread next door about a lady in her 30's with PID and unmarried.  The relationship with her boyfriend packed up partly because she is in her 30s and she cannot get pregnant probably as a result of her "chronic PID". 

Please go and read that thread so you can realize that you should not waste your time with guys who are not ready to marry you after sleeping with you for over 2 years.

Please protect your organs from infection by limiting all unserious relationships. Please look for guys who are serious I beg you. Love is not everything. I would take a responsible man anyday--you can't help but fall in love with such a man down the road in your marriage, while your friends are still[b] dating [/b] their numerous loved ones! You would have had all your kids and they will still be "dating"!

Goodluck!

atilla:

You said HE IS NOT READY, meaning he DOES want to marry u but he needs space and time and wants it to go at his pace.

Wait for him, relax ,, do not pressure him, very soon he will come through. I'm sure u speak tohim all the time and your used to seeing him probly everyday.

its not easy to stay off him, but try and rebuild your life around yourself let him remember the lady he fell in love with and wanted to marry and it should work in the end. good luck.

Thnaks a lot Atilla. You are indeed very insightful!!

@uju,
How old are you?

almondjoy:

Uju baby!

Please there is a thread next door about a lady in her 30's with PID and unmarried.  The relationship with her boyfriend packed up partly because she is in her 30s and she cannot get pregnant probably as a result of her "chronic PID". 

Please go and read that thread so you can realize that you should not waste your time with guys who are not ready to marry you after sleeping with you for over 2 years.

Please protect your organs from infection by limiting all unserious relationships. Please look for guys who are serious I beg you. Love is not everything. I would take a responsible man anyday--you can't help but fall in love with such a man down the road in your marriage, while your friends are still[b] dating [/b] their numerous loved ones! You would have had all your kids and they will still be "dating"!

Goodluck!

AJ i tell you,that seems to be the trend NOW.i do agree with you.Yeah,the truth is bitter but have to be told.looking around me even here in Nairaland eg lady UY. .  guys rarely marry who they dated for long.this so called long years of waiting more often don't pay on the girls.hmmmmmn,one needs to not only be in love but again and most importantly WISE AND SHARP !
@poster,waiting you said  ok ooooooh.methinks the man is gone for good !keep saving all your love for him then. if he cud summon up courage to tell you things arent working,then why not let him be and move on?well,if you decide to wait,hope you know its at your peril?he might come back for sex and all what but still  . . . . 
why is it that we gals find it difficult to move on?
why would a girl chose to wait for a man that has said ITS NOT WORKING?
why do we so believe that love is patient and stupid and not patient and wise?
why must we keep waiting and hoping when we have been rejected?
why can't we read the handwritting on the wall even when its so glaring ?
goodluck.

@ifyalways.

Does she sound like she is serious?

Leave her jo! That is why people sleep in church--calling upon the "GOD OF IMPOSSIBLITIES" at age 45 looking for children. After playing away their youths--"with loved ones", without marriage committments.

Thank God for ma Mama! When teach me say a man is never serious with you until YOU prove that you are serious.

The poster will be back to Nairaland--asking for more help. I have left her matter.

@poster
Carry go ooooooooooooh! Even every "shag toy" no matter how pretty is subject to recall from China!

Goodluck!


_{Thank God I have only one daughter!}

why will he still want 2 marry u when he has seen it all?ladies please b carefully when it comes 2 d things of d mind.u ladies jump at every little thing u c in d name of fun.jus pray and God will bring ur own

e leave him alone now , he don see anotha person wey fine pass u well well , no bi hin fault okay. thats life

I think you should kiss him Goodbye after 2yrs he is just discovering tht is nt working out no tht is bad, leave the mean and horrible guy.

Ujujoan I have been in the same situation. Two and a half years and he said he was was scared of marriage. He said that we had something wonderful and we should remain together forever unmarried. I was in love with him but saw it as a betrayal because we always talked marriage and then all of a sudden he wants to just shack up. Keep in mind that his mother had a very bitter marriage with her husband and he wa exposed to all of that so that made him scared to marry. He felt that marriage complicates issues and we were perfect the way we were. I left him and even when he came back begging I could not let him back in. Why would I marry someone that would question his decision with every fight or one day say that I pressured him to marry me. 2 years is enough time to find out if you want to be with someone. He has flat out rejected you. Let him go. It will be tough. It will hurt like hell but just let him go.

@ post
  Your signature says shiit happens, right? problem is you probably didnt see it coming, here are always signs, sometimes we realise the signs are sighns after the event, but then analise the situation properly take stock of events that has happened over the two years then draw a conclusion of the way foreward, your final analysis taking your age into consideration, will determine how you will learn from the event and life goes on.

but b4 you give up totally on him, pray and try to diagnose the reason for his cold feet (whether any external or internal forces?), your prognosis will determine your line of actionwhether to just move on or try to convince him otherwise.

[s]
 in chess you dont resign without a proper analysis of the position, if there is a reason to play on why not?[/s]

Just get another guy, aaiiight

This is old. I wonder how that turned out.

Thats right spike, that happened like ages ago and I took all the advise . . I walked. Of course he got scared and jittery over the idea of being stuck for life with one girl. He wanted to excplore other options which he couldnt do while he was with me cos if I find out, he's dying and so is the bitch girl.

Anyway, like I said, its history now, I've moved on, I've learnt my lesson, I've grown wiser _{i wonder why they resurrected this therad}

Of course he came back to apologize after like 2mths but he got the shocker of his life, the girls no longer single