alakori: Please nairalanders I need your advice. I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home. For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parents house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother ( my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Ibo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarell ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

You didn't mention your husband's stand in this story.

alakori:

I got the gold back from her. When she slapped me and my husband got there he wanted to beat her up but I begged him not to. I did this because tempers were raised, it was the mother that egged her on and I felt if he started to beat her it would degenerate into a fight between him and his Mom and I did not want that.

That being said, I have also informed my husband that I would not welcome her into my home anymore and we seem to have agreed on that.

The problem is that we are due to go to his place soon. The girl makes it a point of duty to greet me, emphasizing my first name. When I do not answer she and her Mum begin to quarell with me. I really feel the problem is with my mother-in-law who eggs are on, as per, if the mom is not around and she greets me with my first name and I ignore her, she go just waka pass. But if the Mom is around she will raise her voice shouting 'is it not you I am greeting'. From there the Mum will join in and shouting match

my dear wat i always say is that one day they too will settle dwn n she will see first hand wat she put u thur by the tym her in laws do same to her so don't stress urself, meanwhile i think u shld ignore her, if she calls u by name answer, even in @ ur place of work or something younger people/colleagues call u by name abi? Ignore her for peace to reign her mum is in support, don't let them turn ur hubby against u. For me name callin is a small thing don't make a big deal of it eventually she will change. K best of luck n d lord shall see u tru.

How old are you people??

The two major problems here is the thief slapping you and stealing your merchandise. She disrespected you and your husband. Please next time try slapping back if possible beat the thief outta her.

You can't force her to call you whatever thing you're expecting from her, btw that ain't guarantee she's not gonna slap you again.

And pls learn to keep your stuff out of her reach even if it means shoving them gold down your vajayjay.

And ma'am maybe she slapped you for not spelling the word "Igbo" correctly. Not ibo

I dont think that is being unreasonable. I think you're just placing boundaries to prevent such insults from occurring again.

Your sister in-law slapped you. Oya sorry nah

Me i still dey try to understand... is it the slap or the "calling your first name" that is paining the OP

Oya go and do change of name naaa...

i think u need to go for check up to confirm if u re really a man or a boy ...

yeye...

woman slap u u dey come talk am 4 NL.... u nor really well ooo...

so make we beat her for u abi? or make we beg her u ... so she nor go slap u again abi....

alakori: Please nairalanders I need your advice. I am married to a man who is the first son of seven. I am older than all his siblings. One of his sisters was a frequent visitor to our home. I feel I did my best to make her feel at home. For instance I never asked her to do any house work to help me because I feel it is my home and I would do my house work anyway even if she was not around. I allowed her complete freedom in the kitchen to dish her own food and eat whatever she wanted.

Three years ago when she came on vacation she stole some of my gold jewelry. When I saw it with her she denied that it was not mine. Later she insisted that I must have forgotten it in her parents house the last time we came on vacation which I know fully well was not true as the gold disappeared from underneath my bed.

Last year again she came to visit and some more jewelry disappeared. We were moving house at the time and in all the confusion she packed quite a substantial number. [I sell gold].

I went to their house to confront her about it and we started to exchange words. I called her a thief. Her mother ( my mother-in-law) asked her to deal with me and she slapped me twice. I did not retaliate.

During the peace making process, I gave a condition for which I would forgive. I said she would not call me by my first name any longer. I am seven years older than her. My mother in law jumped up, shouting and saying I had no right to demand that. They are Ibo. The girl is the first daughter of the family.

Well since then if the girl calls me by my first name I do not answer her. If her mother is there at the time, a quarell ensures as she will accuse me of keeping malice. Now people are advising me to let go and accept this girl calling me by my first name for the sake of peace.

Am I being unreasonable?

[size=16pt][b] Not that you are unreasonable, it's just that you are one of those women that gets married and from the onset, quickly adopt your husbands family as your own.

You've done the right thing - it is right to do so because, that's how it should be. You love the man, you love his family - however, the family itself does not come round to that idea so easily That's another story.

In my view, the way you were treated was not right especially, the role your mum in-law played - taken sides in this matter is an indication of the degree of moral beliefs and values in this family.

She should have nail evil to evil - irrespective of who committed the evil.

I will suggest, you ignore your sister in-law calling you by your first name for two reasons - after all, she is not your biological sister so, don't worry about it:

a) if you hadn't married her brother and happens to meet her in the street, she'd have called you by your first name anyway, and you would have answered, abi?

b) You said they were Igbos but you did not specify which part of Igboland? However, in some part of Igboland , the seniority thing in "name calling" does not exist e.g. in Abia and Imo State respectively, seniors are addressed as Daa or Da-ada, De or Dede in most families however, in Anambra state etc family members rarely acknowledges that - it doesn't exist in that part of Igboland so, you see members of a family calling their most senior brother/sister by his/her first name e.g. Basil, Emeka, Obinna, Ngozi, Gertrude etc.

So, accept it and move on but where you can't accept it, I should say get your children to call her by name perhaps you will make a head way in changing certain family custom in that family.

Hey lady, I understand how you feel - if I could remember vividly when my father married his second wife personally, I refused blatantly to accord her that respect - I never called her by any other name, except her first name because, I disliked her. Why?

She stole my dad from my mum and us. I never, ever respected her! But, how does her children - my half brothers and sister call me? Well they call me senior though, they can call me by my first name if they wish, I still call their mother by her name.

So, I suggest you bear it - it's part of the challenges women endure in marriage - adopting another persons family as your own because of love, is not easy but, what can you do? [/b][/size]

What? Slap you? Them no born anybody well to slap my wife except am not aware of it except my mum/dad and i will talk to them about it that its unreasonable to do so. But if anybody slap my wife either my senior or Junior brodas/sisters omo na wahala oooo. if na my junior ones i go beat hell comot for there body cos i was the one dey slap. and if na my senior ones omo no fight ooo i swear family go break that day i swear

holly-pagan:
i feel like to slapp u again

Abeg! Abeg!! Abeg!!! Na beg i dey beg You no slap ha again

jennykadry: I would have killed her. Which kain yeye slap is that

i love u(is just 4 the beating u will give her,not 4 any other things o!)

Ivynwa: It isn't nice that she steals the things you are selling to earn a living for your family.
How about drawing her closer to you, she is better off a friend than a disrespectful enemy.
Yeah, relax and cut out the "She-must-call-me-Aunty-or-Mama Ejiro" part, there's no big deal about being called Aunty. You are almost being ridiculous hammering on that. You went ordering to be called that and it got to a head where she now dares you by calling you your name and stirring up things.

A better/closer relationship between you two will exclude all these disharmonies, have both of you chilling happily as sisters in law. I would have said that you give her a piece of jewel as a gift with a stern explanation that you sell these things to be able to feed your children which will give her the message never to steal them but the ones she stole are painful enough. Hey! even if you end up as friends, why don't you do yourself a favour and lock up such valuables in a safe place.

All in all, your husband needs to address the stealing habit of his sister seriously.

Reasonable response.
I pity those nairaland lady soldiers who dish out judgements and what they would do in a situation they have never been.
I got disappointed by the first 3 posts here.
How on earth can someone whom you gave access to your kitchen, respects, welcomes to your house etc , turn around to fight you, steal from you etc... Naah, we are no kids here. You did not tell us the whole story.

sluvy4tune: You sound troublesome

so she should be assaulted and accept stealing because she married her brother.if there is anything,the only thing i will blame her is for not creating boundaries before marriage and thats the result.if boundaries were created all this issue of disrespect and theft will not arise.then again she went to go and fight in another persons house is totally wrong,if i were in her shoes i wil come with 3 hefty looking police men to bundle her to the police station or get a police that has asearch warrant to search her house for stolen property and if it is found,the rest will be discussed in the police station,that is my own way of putting EVERY BODY who crosses the line in their place.nobody did me a favour by marrying their brother,i was married properly so i will not accept CRAP

holly-pagan:
house help will soon slap you

am telling you.

pattybf:

next time, if you don't have any advice for matters of this nature, pls i suggest u just respect urself rather than typing nonsense.

do you expect her to belittle herself by begging a thief and a complete manner-less idiot for friendship.

this is why i disassociated myself from one of my very close friend,after she got married, she was trying to act a "saint Theresa" being good to all her in-laws,opens her doors for them and even allowed them to her pot,each time i advice her, she would say it doesn't matter but what happened before one year, this same in-laws began to take advantage of her weakness and eventually connived with their brother and my dear friend was thrown out of her matrimonial home after she received public embarrassment.

in my own case, i told my hubby i would never live with an in-law,when they tried it by sending one of his brother who just finished his nysc, my hubby didn't let the matter get to me before he said no to them.

when they realized i didn't know anything about the matter, their first daughter(younger to my hubby bt older to me,who is also a divorcee) called me demanding i let the guy stay accusing me of being responsible for her brother's refusal.i referred her back to my hubby but she got furious and began to insult me, i instantly gave it to her back, she threatened to come and beat me up.that same day i went to report at the nearest police station since my hubby was not in town, on my way back i bought an acid waiting the day she would come which she never did.

i advice every woman not to take nonsense from your in-laws especially if you are married to the igbos, let both your inlaws and hubby know you from the very beginning, don't sell ur rights and think u can get it back latter.


it boils my blood to hear things like this.

thank you for this post,some people just want to be seen when they have nothing useful to offer

okay o everyone thanks a lot for the advice. I agree with most of you who said I allowed the disrespect in the first place. I can only say I was naive and imagined that if I treat in laws like family, they would reciprocate. Nothing beats experience..

Anyway I will do as most of you suggested. I cannot enforce the name calling thing anyway... I just felt it would be a gauge as to whether my SIL was ready for peace or not. I will forget about it and just make sure I keep my self respect.

Once again thanks all....

pak: Your name says it all -

ALAKORI

any translators ?

as for the name...it is just a name I picked for the purpose of making this thread. I know nairalanders very well... the next time I have a difference in opinion with someone the next thing I go hear na.... no be so your SIL slap you the other time....

If your story is true which I think its, then you and your husband has issues to sort with her, also under no circumstance should she address you by your first name if you have children. By and large you strike me as a very good wife.

alakori:

as for the name...it is just a name I picked for the purpose of making this thread. I know nairalanders very well... the next time I have a difference in opinion with someone the next thing I go hear na.... no be so your SIL slap you the other time....

no mind them jare,nairaland men are good at judging and criticizing,thats all they know how to do best

.

Nollywood script.

No you are not being unreasonable. U happen to be older than the girl with 7 years. 7 years na beans. If she was ur blood relative, she would be calling u aunty would she not? So its fair that after she has badly messed up, since u've decided that you want to punish her in that way then it is ur right. But then, it would be wiser, if u speak to ur husband seriously about it. Let him be the one to implement the aunty something. Besides, if I may ask, what is the age defference between ur husband and the silly girl.

cotton101: IBO people and their love of this "sister" "aunty" nonsense - what does not calling you by you first name do for you? na wah o

(i'm ibo by the way)

There's nothing like ibo,u guys should stop bastardizing that word.It's Igbo or nothing else!.

chidyhels: Sorry ma,but i have to ask, is your problem with her all about calling you by your first name? Or is it the stealing issue?
Set your priority

i think i cn anser dat,she blivs dat since her 6ta in law calls by her first name dat brings disrespect 2 her,nd d fact dat she steals 4rm her also contribute 2 her demandin 2 b called by wit respect 4rm her

cigar icon:
Akpoda, the Op is not ibo
By the way sory for calling u akpoda na jyoke.

my bro, but she is very right on this... many igbo men do nt understand what d word family means, they believe it consists of their father, mother, father, then maybe d wife and kids can later be included if they so wish.

Nawaoo, she slapped you and you did what? Sometimes it's good to set ur standard

seems a lot of people just read the first story and don't bother with reading the updated additions by the OP..she's not asking that she be called aunty cos levels have changed but she wants to use it to set a tone and to see if the SIL would abide by it as a peace offering for slapping her

@ OP..you can deprive yourself of somethings cos you want to be friendly and nice to some people but a bad person will be a bad person irrespective of how you treat them...just set boundaries and make sure everybody respect it.
as for those saying you ought to have slapped her back,didn't they read where you said ur MIL was there and she incited ur SIL against you? if you had slapped your SIL back,it would have degenerated into a brawl as your MIL would have come to fight you on her daughters behalf..at the end,this would have resulted into a family meeting where the elders are invited cos they would claim you beat your MIL up and not that ur SIL slapped u first(it's their word against ur's as you have no body to corroborate your story)

dont feel bad,i think you did the right thing and let your husband handle matters from here on but pls,SET BOUNDARIES

Like someone rightly said,Karma's a bi**h.Let the little girl be,she'll soon have a taste of what it means to be a wife.
Let your husband handle the issue with his family and please don't involve yourself.
As for the name thing,you had started it already so you'll have to let it be. Give that girl a wide berth.
I hope it doesn't happen again,if it does,please beg God for strength like the Biblical Samson and beat her to a pulp. I leave it there

Please does ur step mother sell eggs

Alakori....

Ujujoan:

You are belittling yourself more by getting into 'Aunty' squabbles with her . . . Let her be on that.
But make sure she knows you are done letting her walk over you!
And next time she talks to you rudely, put her in her place. And she dares attack you, give her the beating of her life (but only if you know you can beat her oh ) OR get your hubby to slap her face from two different directions!

If I cannot hit my wife,then I will never hit my sister because of her. I won't even side any of them during heated argument or whatever. I will try to remain neutral as ever becoming a peace advisor and negotiator.
But all in all, I will employ sanction instead of violence means to set scores with my sister.