Hi "adconline" yes you are correct, my fiance is chinese and his family have never approved of me because I am of a different race.  They have been against me from the start, 10 years ago and despite helping them whenever I could in any way, never speaking bad about them, always greeting them and being polite (this takes much doing believe me, to greet someone for 10 years and not once receiving even a hello back, ) and, as you summized, integrity is not one of his strong points (I am not putting him down, please don't get me wrong, I am merely stating what is) in that he is not someone who would stand up for something he believe in or speak out against an injustice.  In fact (I think I mentioned this earlier) when I told his mother that his gambling was getting out of control again and that he was not only taking money from my account but also from their company account, he got so angry that he told his mother (who told everyone she knew) that I was the one gambling, no-one believed this I am certain as that is ludicrous but no-one cared to mention that they didnt believe it either (it appears that qualities like integrity, empathy and promises are no longer valued or practiced much these days ).  Since posting my dilemna to this forum, I have learned, from the wonderful advice that I have been given by various members here, that there are many factors against us or rather, many things that we would need to work on, should he choose to be with me and I am not disillusioned either by the fact that I will have to prove to "him" that my relationship with my fiance is over for good and I do know that this will take time.  Also, there is the fact that I don't speak Igbo - but I am working on it (I have started to learn Igbo, only yesterday but it is a start) and then another important factor I feel is the fact that I have a 10 year history with another man from which a child was born - my son, is the reason why I have chosen to try and not phone or sms "him' (I think that to pursue him would be selfish of me and would mean that I was thinking of my own needs, my own happiness only as surely it is not in his best interests to become involved with someone who already had a child), it is so very difficult and I have a number of times, been so close to picking up the phone because I long to hear his voice,

@ talk2sulta, now, that's a gentleman

@chychy
when I read her recent posts,I was close to tears. .she is a very sincere person really.I can't imagine how many people on this forum can be so sincere ,she gives precise details and doesnt really bother to portray herself in a saintly light as so many people are wont to do.I am tripping for her oh. .just wished I were "him" .so hard to find a lady that can pour out her heart this way without holding back.I feel so sorry for my initial response."put the blame on me".

@Chi-chi
I can't but marvel at ur replies. U've really got a heart girl. I've been reading on the replies and quite happy u've been of good help to the poster.

@sam.
I really really hate it when ladies are taken for granted all because of this thing called love & i also hate it when ladies hold on a relationship in which they are taken as trash.

I mean why shld u have stayed this long? How about ur parents and sibblings? Do they also see all u went thru and kept mute? Ur dad, did he know all this things about ur fiancee. The reason why i'm asking u this question is that in matters such as love, i prefer to get my family involved so that in case my eyes are getting shut to some valid things, they can help in getting my eyes clear & wide. Personally i'lld advice u stay off someone u don't love anymore, altho i also agree its not easy but u simply can't continue patching a relationship simply becos u want to save a name for ur child.

Ur "him" is a good man, such quite rare. His honesty has been proved by his decision. People like that think well before they come out with their decision. I'm afraid to say his decision might not be shakened no matter how u tell him that u love him. I'll d say that u appreciate his truthfulness, cos i tell u many men would have led u on.

The man that might even treat u right might not even be "him". That man might still be somewhere waiting. I'lld say get ut mind off the two, take time off & give urself a good treat. Try in the best way to forget about the two of them, who knows something awesome might be waiting somewhere. Take time off, u really need this, cos u've tortured urself for too long.

Never knew the ladies are this sensible. .nice piece of advice from the ladies so far.

Talk2Sulta, why thank you very much, I am flattered by your kind words and compliments although there is no need to apologise as I did ask for opinions/advice and you were kind enough to give yours so, and it is my belief that one can only learn from anothers opinion (especially if it is different to ones own) so even if I did not see things the way you did, your opinion did help nonetheless so thank you 'Talk2Sulta' and have a great week okay

hey there 'JK Pretty' I am afraid you may have just ruined your reputation with your response to my post, I believe you state 'You know I am bad', from your reply I think it will be rather difficult to convince people of that now . Just kidding As far as my parents and siblings go, we 'westerners' I am afraid, appear to have lost our sense of values, integrity and our sense of what is important in life and replaced that with greed/material wealth and to this effect, don't have a strong family support system (not sure if this is the correct term) in that as a child, I was always left to my own devices, i.e. left to make my own mistakes (which is not a bad thing as I was also left to fix my own mistakes and therefore learned very early to take responsibility for my own actions and other valuable life lessons), etc, basically, my mom (my biological parents divorced when I was 3) never offered/gave advice and this is going to sound well, not sound very nice but I don't mean it in a bad way or as an insult but, my mother never really asked or took interest in what was going on in our lives. My biological father, I only got to know and built a relationship with when I reached my mid-teens (16 years old) and I respect his opinions, his advice and look up to him a great deal, in fact my father is without a doubt, my closest friend and has told me how he feels but also, he has mentioned that although he can advise me, he does not want to tell me what to do because he is too close to the situation and also he says because his opinion or advice is biased because of the fact that he adores "him"

Chychy, how are you? I've been waiting for you to come online so that I can say hi. HOw have you been? Thank you for being so considerate, we are doing okay thanx, I am just missing 'him' terribly but don't want my son to see me upset so trying to be strong. How are you?

@ sam

That's the difference. Here our parents like getting involved especially in relationships even if you are an adult or not. Could be annoying at times but it helps knowing they are always there. I don't think my parents would be passive on a 10 year fruitless relationship. Anyway, what has been done has been done but nobody says you can't start all over again. Take care

@Sam

Oh! my signature, sorry, i have to use that kind in a place like nairaland. I'm a softie myself, its a sort of defence mechanics . Once I see it, i make myself tougher. lol. (wondering if it works )

I just want to see u get over this & be good to yourself.

JK
,I see.i ll report you to the NL devourers

SAM
i love the way you are,if all girls could be like you some guys wont be having probs.
I ll read all of your story later and try 2 contribute^{my brain is under power right now,and processing may be slow}

I feel so bad for u Sam girl.

The fact of the matter is that whether he is the ideal man for u or not, u went into that relationship tooooo sooooooon.
Girl, i have to agree with the guy that posted straight after ur initial post- just cause he is available and friendly doesnt mean that its love.
It could just be that he is just truly a nice person that can go outta his way to help others.

The other thing is that the fact that 'he was in ur life' when u were with ur fiance then it is inevitable that u start 'falling in love' with him.

Like its been said, he is very principled and that is why he is staying away from u. I just pray and hope and wish more guys were like him - they would have taken advantage of u and even maybe impregnated u.

But girlie, u must be very wise.

I understand that u want things to go ahead real fast, but things will sort itself out don't worry. You will see that things will fall into place by itself - very very soon.

If u cant sort out ur issues with ur man - then u need to find someone else - someone that is neutral, that has no ties to ur ex or whatever.

@tommyex

you are very sweet tommyex    but I have to ask, what would you do with a world full of miserable women who may have just lost their one chance at experiencing true love ? OOps ! No need to answer  

Hello Adeebo, it is a pleasure to 'meet' you and thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my plea for advice. Yes, you are correct and I am very grateful to have met a man like 'him', it is also quite possible that he is just being kind as he no doubt is that kind of person. I have decided to take the advice of yourself and that of other members on this site which is to just let things be as they will and to trust that my love for him will bring us together one day, but on the other hand if it does not, I will continue to love him and be grateful to know him as my love asks for nothing in return other than to merely love

samanthaZA:

Hello Adeebo, it is a pleasure to 'meet' you and thank you for taking the time to read and reply to my plea for advice. Yes, you are correct and I am very grateful to have met a man like 'him', it is also quite possible that he is just being kind as he no doubt is that kind of person. I have decided to take the advice of yourself and that of other members on this site which is to just let things be as they will and to trust that my love for him will bring us together one day, but on the other hand if it does not, I will continue to love him and be grateful to know him as my love asks for nothing in return other than to merely love

Thats real nice girl.
I know how it is - the thing is that things will fall into place for sure.
Dont worry about it - i have people in ma life that are like that - they were real good to me, but when i decided to have a relationship with them, things just went haywire.

The bottom line is that there are some people that come into ur life because they are there to help u out - some are not here for relationships.

@talk2sulta

hi 'talk2sulta' please know that you did not offend me at all - it would be rather silly of me to ask for advice and opinions and then get offended when I received them, wouldn't it.  Besides, those that know me would tell you that you would have to try a lot harder than that for me to feel insulted  

Under the present circumstances, i'm afraid it would be useless waiting for this ibo man, especially if he's as good as u say he is. You should have thought of the future of your son before making him - knowing your partner was what he is. You can make amends now by not being selfish about your own happiness and thinking about your son and not yourself. He will be better off with his father, whether his father is good or bad.
This ibo man will not compromise his own concerns because of u, it is too late simply because there is a child in the picture. It is the simple truth about the realities of the dynamics of family and life, and anyone who tells u otherwise is doing so to lead u astray. Research has shown that children who grow up in single homes end up on the negative route, it happens everywhere, soon he will be grown and wont listen to u. You wont be able to control him if your own life is in tatters, a child will respect his fathers voice and very little more.
A word is enough for the wise.

I am really suprised by what Whitelexi is insinuating here.

The fact that the Igbo man will not compromise his concern, doesn't mean she can't fall in love with another man. I would like to ask Samantha of what benefit has her fiancee been to the child or what impact has he made in the child's life. What is his relationship with the child?

You wont be able to control him if your own life is in tatters, a child will respect his fathers voice and very little more.

Do you really think a child would respect a gambler who is almost at the brink of suicide? What kind of impression does the father want to give the child?

@Stillwater

Thank you Stillwater
@Whitelexi

I must say (and I mean this is the 'nicest' possible way ) but Whitelexi, that is probably the dumbest comment I have ever heard and just in case you were not thinking clearly when you said it (which must obviously have been the case) I have quoted you hereunder:

whitelexi:

He will be better off with his father, whether his father is good or bad

Are you telling me that it is in a childs best interest to be with his father/parent) when

1. he gets no more than a 'hello' (and this happens only if he goes to his father, but most of the time he is too afraid because he never knows what mood his father is in - dependant on whether he won or lost)

2. his father leaves him without food or money, is totally aware of this and then goes off to have supper at his parents (not even taking him with or bringing food back)

3. leaves him in darkness, terrified, because there is no electricity or money to buy and he is too busy gambling to bother leaving the roulette table for a few minutes to run off to the corner store and sms me the number so I can enter the prepaid electricity

4. if he tries to talk to his father, he is always and i mean always told, 'I am busy'

5. his father promises to take him for a drive to McDonalds for eg., and when the time comes and he asks 'daddy are we still going' (he has learned to not ask though) he is yelled at and then told 'now we are not going because you're nagging me'

During the period when we are apart a few months ago, he lived with his parents - I told him that in lieu of maintenance I would prefer it if he came to fetch his son and spend 1 full day just once a week with him - instead of paying maintenance, do you know that in that entire time, he promised on two seperate occassions to fetch his son, on both of the one occassion, he only woke up at 8pm that evening whilst he was supposed to be here at 10am the morning. The other occassion, I reminded him the night before but he still, instead of coming the Saturday morning, only showed up at 9.30pm Sunday night (of course my son was fast asleep by then).
Another time, I told him that we needed to pay the school fees which was R800 and asked whether he had the money perhaps or whether I should let the school know that payment would be late. His response was that he didn't have enough right then - I didnt mind as I at least knew to tell the school ahead of time. That evening I received a number of emails from his bank (as a security measure, his banking institutuion sends an email each time there is a transaction on his account) notifying him of transactions and in total that very same day, he had transferred exactly R9900.00 to an online casino! Now you tell me, why could he not have just paid the R800 school fees and gambled with the balance of R9100.00
If you think that this is in my sons best interest Whitelexi, then I shudder at the thought of you ever having children!

In the case that your statement was perhaps erronious or perhaps a typographical error, then I do apologise for not giving you the benefit of the doubt,

You have a good day

Sam
how are you today?

Sam ,come to naija and see enough Ibo men.Nigeria men are generally loving and they treat their wives well.That Ibo guy is just a reflection of an average nigerian man especially the Ibo guys.

Come to us ,all ye that labor and are heavy laden,we will give you rest.

Hi talk2sulta, I am okay thank you - thankx to Whitelexi, been taking the mickey out of her so to speak (not very nice I know but she did ask for it, )
How are you?

@Hollandis

I can well believe you Hollandis but I dare say, I am too afraid - You know how the saying goes, TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING,

@chychy
Good morning chychy, how are you today? I just wanted to let you know chychy that I am here for you should you need anything okay - sorry for being so evasive, just that I noted something in a posting yesterday and well, I was just wondering whether you were okay and I have been pondering all night whether or not to bring it up as I did not want you to think I was prying so, just wanted you to know that I am here okay
Have a great day

Sama Sama
I have been reading n following this thread quietly. . . can't say much bcus u've received a lot of good advice from other members.  Take heart and be strong, i wil remember u in my prayers.

@Efuah

Hi Efuah, thank you so much I do appreciate your kindness and this is rather off-topic but may I say that I love your profile picture - you look stunning!

Thank u Sama. . . . am blushing now

samanthaZA:

@Hollandis

I can well believe you Hollandis but I dare say, I am too afraid - You know how the saying goes, TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING,

No need to fear.We do more than just providing for our wives,we are good fathers,.We are not too caught up in work ,football viewing e.t.c.We are emotionally near our wives.We value motherhood and we value our wives too.We praise our wives ,even if they are full time house wives.Infact we support our wives.In short we are the best husbands in the world