I have been reading NL for 2 years and last month I joined because I recognized somebody from my past, my childhood and this made me start feelings, old things, new things, confused things   I watched Eternal Sunshine of spotless mind when it first came out I thought the movie was so stupid but my girlfriend enjoyed it, she said it was romantic, I didn’t think so, why should I erase my memory because I don’t want remember something? Well, since meeting this person again, my mind is asking questions, remembering things I thought I have forgotten and things I wish I could forget.

My question to Nairlanders is reminiscing a good thing? A Bad thing or does it matter? Let’s be constructive no insults.

My question to Nairlanders is reminiscing a good thing

its a good thing depending on wat u r reminiscing on,though u r not obliged to ansa dis question,but permit me to ask u?is dis ur friend male or female?wat exactly are u reminiscing of?if it's a female,were u inlove wt her before?

They are always goooooooooooooooooooooooood!  I do not have the capacity to harbour bad memories! I know they are there but I have a gift of blacking out unpleasantries! There are some pleasant memories that are priceless! The best infact!


So,

At poster,

Reminiscing is good, only if they are good memories.  Do not bother to relive nasty ones.  Life is too short for that and no one is that important anyway.

@ Emma
Emma, How are you my man? i checked the last thread and you have not visted since them. Hope everything is good for you. This person is a girl and I know I enjoyed being with her, we never really dated because we were teens but everything she makes me feel both good and bad I cherish.


@almondjoy
Lady i like you, I will not lie. I've always enjoy reading your posts. You are bold and you say what's on your mind and i agree with you but the question is what of those good feelings start messing new one? How man go handle am?

You could get trapped in the past, and it will affect your present

EccentricJ:

@ Emma
Emma, How are you my man? i checked the last thread and you have not visted since them. Hope everything is good for you. This person is a girl and I know I enjoyed being with her, we never really dated because we were teens but everything she makes me feel both good and bad I cherish.


@almondjoy
Lady i like you, I will not lie. I've always enjoy reading your posts. You are bold and you say what's on your mind and i agree with you but the question is what of those good feelings start messing new one? How man go handle am?

You can't allow them to mess up the new one.  Just do like I do.  Use those good feelings to enhance the new ones.   And if you can't. . .use them to console yourself that someone, somewhere once appreciated you and you cannot be all that terrible.

Thanks for your appreciation.

_{The reason I maintain contact with "old" flames!}

They become "your brigdes over troubled waters"!  Never discard them!   You use each other to console yourselves when the proverbial "water wan pass garri" ooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Lessons in life!


Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Na wah oooooooooooooooooooh! he he he he he

@poster
whether reminiscing is good, bad or have no effect, u dont have a choice but reminisce.
and once in a while d bad memories show up, depending on ur mindset, u can even use them to ur advantage.
personally, anytime i look back, i c that all those things that made me jealous and sad were rather ridiculous and laughable now that i'm all grown up, it gives me a sense that ve really come of age and taking life je je.

Use those good feelings to enhance the new ones.

This is True talk but also the big problem, the good feelings make you realize what you have now ain't worth much. There are some girls you can't forget no matter how you try and this person is one of them. I don't know what the furture holds but I know I want more than I have now. That na bad thing?

And if you can't. . .use them to console yourself that someone, somewhere once appreciated you and you cannot be all that terrible.

My sister, that is even worse when you know someone, somewhere once appreciated you for who you are. Never made demands of you and because of them you tried to be a better person.

Joey82:

@poster
whether reminiscing is good, bad or have no effect, u don't have a choice but reminisce.
and once in a while d bad memories show up, [b]depending on your mindset, u can even use them to your advantage.[/b]personally, anytime i look back, i c that all those things that made me jealous and sad were rather ridiculous and laughable now that i'm all grown up, it gives me a sense that ve really come of age and taking life je je.

True talk.

@ Emma
Emma, How are you my man? i checked the last thread and you have not visted since them. Hope everything is good for you. This person is a girl and I know I enjoyed being with her , we never really dated because we were teens but everything she makes me feel both good and bad I cherish.

@eccentric
my brother wetin man go do ehn?i just took d advise of u and other people on d last thread,but dat ola guy is too harsh and not understanding,he does not understand wat im going thru ,he thinks its easy for me,if it was easy i wouldnt have come here for advise,anyway i know wat to do now,as for d reminiscing thing,my dear e no bad,its no big deal,but when it starts affecting the new one like u said,all u have to do is sit down and think ,ask urself ,wat do i really want out of this?

EccentricJ:

This is True talk but also the big problem, the good feelings make you realize what you have now ain't worth much. There are some girls you can't forget no matter how you try and this person is one of them. I don't know what the furture holds but I know I want more than I have now. That na bad thing?



My sister, that is even worse when you know someone, somewhere once appreciated you for who you are. Never made demands of you and because of them you tried to be a better person.

True talk.

Read me loud and clear. . . let bygone be bygone.  If it was meant to be, you guys will be together.  Never allow feelings for others interfere with your present relationship.  If you feel that what you had then is better than what you have now. . . the devil is a liar and out to trick you!  This is where fasting and praying comes in.  You have to stay focused. If you are married. . . just console yourself with the thoughts.  Do not take it any further.  Build on what you have, for no relationship is easy.  Our minds play the most terrible tricks on us and I have learned not to fall for those.

You have to be very careful and find out why you feel the way you do in the current relationship. If you get with the old ones. . . do you think you will not have the same problems. Familiarity will always breed contempt. Like I said. . .cherish the memories and don't spoil them by trying to relive them. . . .most fail when they try to do that. . .forgetting that people change.

The reason[b] I only communicate with exs who are married.[/b]  I will never give audience to an old flame who is not married. . . just shows nothing good can come our of his life. He is out to wreck your life just as his is drifting!

If you are single, you have to start practicing now.  No relationship is easy.  If you jump into another one you will be wishing for this one too.  Learn to control those feelings.  They are just that. . . . feelings.  Just smile and cherish the memories. . . do not let them bother your current relationship.  Work and build on what you have.

Enternally Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a great movie.

I wish I could gain access to that machine.

Anyway depends on what you're reminscencing about? Is it the good things or the hurtful, is there's alot more good than bad perhaps you really feel for this person

AJ, are yiou saying that if a person leaves a relationship and realizes after a while that the person they left still means the world to them, they should never try again?

Of course assuming the people in question are single

D-reloaded:

Enternally Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a great movie.

I wish I could gain access to that machine.

Anyway depends on what you're reminscencing about? Is it the good things or the hurtful, is there's alot more good than bad perhaps you really feel for this person

Only a mad person will want to relive or reminisce about hurtful things.  For this short life?  Why the cruelty to one's self.  Of all the things I could to to bed with to put a smile on ma face.  Hurtful things?  Oooooooooh Nooooooooooo!

For wetin now?  To prove that the person was so special or what?

D-reloaded:

AJ, are you saying that if a person[b] leaves a relationship and realizes after a while that the person they left still means the world to them, they should never try again?[/b]

Of course assuming the people in question are single

If you are single of course it is easier to do all that trial and error stuff. Of course you can give it your best shot.  If one has the habit of "longing" for most of the people in his or her past. . .then there is a big problem.  How many will one try to get that ultimate "satisfying" feeling?

Of course if you feel that that one person is the special one. . . I will tell anyone to go for it.  The only problem is that people are SELDOM on the same pages. . . so back to square one!  Where does it end?  You just have to discipline yourself to be satisfied with what you have.  Nothing is guaranteed in life.  As I get older, I personally take less chances.  The memories might be greener, but the grass may not necessarily be greener.  I would rather work with what I have while I do all the reminiscing in ma head.

Come to think of it, most of us are in love with the idea, not necessarily the person. I would rather keep the ideas and leave the person alone, since there is also a chance of that becoming a nightmare if I choose to relive such a romance. You can never recapture time in a bottle! Once you lose it, you can never recapture that feeling.


Let it end there.  I don't want too many complications in ma life at this stage!

Don't upset your future by yearnin for the past.

Amen to that!

There is a time for everything under the sun, a time to live and a time to leave the past in the dustbin of history.

Reminiscing is good only if u and the other individual is single . . . if you both think you still have deep feelings for each other then you can always work something out.
If one or the other has moved on then dont bother wasting your time.

Lady Almondjoy, I bow to you. You really tell it as it is but these are not bad memories or hurtful memories, they are memories of the best time in my life. It came after a very bad time, I lost my younger sister who was her best friend, in an accident and for awhile after that I was lost and this person, despite her age put her grief aside and helped me a lot. I don't mean cuddling me, sometimes she will just come to our house and do nothing, sometimes she will talk about my sister when everybody around won't mention her name. I can't understand how she knew what to do. As we grew up, we became closer but just as friends. If she can be like that at that age, what kind of woman is she now? This is what I wonder.

D-reloaded:

AJ, are yiou saying that if a person leaves a relationship and realizes after a while that the person they left still means the world to them, they should never try again? Of course assuming the people in question are single

We didn't even get a chance to have one and as far as I know, we are both single. My step-sister who keeps in touch with her family has not told me anything about her being married.

This is my story I wrote on another thread. My man Emma was having the same problem so I posted there.


Any guys who has had feelings for two girls knows the matter is not as easy as you are putting it. Each girl has something he can live with, that is why there is a problem in the first place.

Emma, I have been in your position and I am still in your position, my own has lasted over ten years, this girl we grew up together, she knows me more than I know myself, like your  US girl, she is natural, funny and can adapt to any situation. When we were teenagers, our friends and family used to joke around that if we don’t marry each other, nobody will marry us. We will both laugh and fashe the whole thing. She was my junior sister’s friend but we were all close in age. When my sister died we became even closer, she helped me a lot during that time and I think that’s when I started falling for her but I did not know what I was feeling back then,  I went to London to study and she stayed in Niger for 1 year or two then she went to US. Before she went, me and her used to correspond, I’ll tell her about all the Londoner falling for me and she will even advice me on what I should do, if somebody break up with me, it’s her I will first tell, sometimes she will laugh at me but I know is not in a wicked way, is something like Mr. Casanova can get his heartbroken wonders shall never end, she always manage it makes me feel better about myself. After she move to the Us we lost touch  but I still hear about how she’s doing because family still connect us, once in a while we will try reconnect; but something will happen. I moved to Ireland for graduate studies and we lost touch again but she was always at the back of my mind. When I was in Ireland, I met another girl from the same place I come from in Nigeria and we clicked. We started to date, this girl is very nice, she is gentle but insecure. Right from the moment we started dating, she will ask me to promise I won’t leave her. In the beginning I will promise but after my study in Ireland, I had to move back to London and it took me a long time to convince her that I am not leaving her but I have to go to back because that’s where I will find a good job. She finally agreed but on the condition that she transfer her courses to a school in London, for me that was a stupid idea because she was almost done and if she transfer, some school will want her to take other classes to match their prerequisite. Lucky for her, she was able to get into a school that took all her courses. She didn’t move in with me because her family are strict about that type of thing, but we have sex.

In 2006, my step-sister told me my friend’s sister was getting  married in the us and because their name sound alike, I thought she said my friend was getting married. I was so shocked, my heart wanted come out of my mouth, it was like my step sister knew what I thought, she started to laugh and say not her, the other one and that’s when my mind cool down. My step  sister made fun of me that day that I should find a way to divorce my childhood friend if I want to marry this new one.  My new girlfriend has seen pictures of my friend but she thinks she’s one of my relatives since it was in a family album. My problem is that even though me and my girlfriend have not talked about marriage but it is like the next level but I have just reconnected with my old friend and I will not lie to you, nothing has changed. I can still talk to her about anything, it’s like over ten years have not passed between us. She still has  a way of making me laugh and feel better about myself and now I find that I am dragging my leg with my girlfriend, she is eager to get engaged because the company I work for right formed a partnership with a Nigerian company in Abuja and since I’m from there, I have been picked to as part of the team. They say the time frame is 6 months but we should prepare ourselves for unexpected delay since it’s Nigeria. I am ot sure why any talk of engagement right now makes me angry, my friends say it’s because my girl is trying to force my hand but m step sister thinks it is because I have reconnected with my first love. This kind of situation brings rain of abuses most especially from the girls here on Niaraland but before una curse my generation past present and future, please help a brother out. Emma abeg forgive me as I take your space, I don’t want to start another thread since our situation is the same.

I will really like your thought on this. Thank you my fellow nairalanders. I also want say in my two years of reading nairaland, this is one of the few thread where people really try to help someone. I agree with my man olanajim about thread crashers, this is an avenue to help each other make una let us use am wisely. 
That is all, J

Memories only make u stronger . . . good or bad.

Hi EccentricJ
You know it's only normal that people who go through an emotional trauma together would form a bond, sometimes, so deep is this bond, it can't be explained yet more often than not. . .that's just what it is. A Deep Bond.

You've seen the movie Fearless. . .right? Remember what happened between Jeff Bridges character and Rosie Perez's . . .they both survived a plane crash and although they became close, I don't recall them thinking that was a sign to be together forever. Do you know what I mean? Just something to think about. . .you know.

[Size=7pt]Ina da tambaya daya. . .ma ne ne amfani abun ka na rubuta a nan? Don a l l a h, ka f'adi. For the last time. . .Ka tsaya.[/size]

I also think it's terribly unfair of you to start comparing your present girl to your friend not because I think she won't measure up. . . But because it is obvious to all and sundry that your judgement of the latter is clouded. You've cast her in the role of all that is good and perfect. You have her wrapped up in colorful daisies and beautiful rainbow with a halo on her head, where even if she killed someone today, you'd think it was beautifully done.

Let me ask you this, the things you complain about your new girl. . . are they things you just noticed? Did you just wake up one morning to the realization that she's too demure for you? That she's made you her whole life? And that she's insecure? Somehow I doubt that's the case. So if you lived with it all this time, why complain now?

I'm sure if you took your head out of the sand, long enough to think clearly, you'll probably find many. . .many things that irritated about your friend. For instance, she was mouthy, she was flaky, she didn't take things seriously, her let's live for the moment attitude set your teeth on edge a few times. If you really think back, I'm sure you'll remember telling her she was setting herself up for trouble because she believed in an "idiotic notion" called equality for women. . .something that went against all that she was brought up to think and be. . .I'm just guessing.

The point is. . .stop being an Ahole and stop trying to turn your life into a remake of Serendipity or When Harry Met Sally.

To answer the question . . .Reminiscing is good only if you don't wrap it up in a cute little package.

Well, I'll just have to take the position of your girlfriend. I don't think I'll be comfortable if I find out that my boyfriend's heart beats for another. I also hoped you would have at least described your girlfriend in good terms the way you attributed to the other, but no, your last post was devoid of such . You really don't sound like you love her. I don't have any advice for you, but I don't want to be in your girlfriend's shoes .

EccentricJ:

Lady Almondjoy, I bow to you. You really tell it as it is but these are not bad memories or hurtful memories, they are memories of the best time in my life. It came after a very bad time, I lost my younger sister who was her best friend, in an accident and for awhile after that I was lost and this person, despite her age put her grief aside and helped me a lot. I don't mean cuddling me, sometimes she will just come to our house and do nothing, sometimes she will talk about my sister when everybody around won't mention her name. I can't understand how she knew what to do. As we grew up, we became closer but just as friends. If she can be like that at that age, what kind of woman is she now? This is what I wonder.

We didn't even get a chance to have one and as far as I know, we are both single. My step-sister who keeps in touch with her family has not told me anything about her being married.

You are single. . . .this is your chance to follow your heart.  If you get married feeling like this. . .I am sorry to say that you may be in some big trouble.  Be honest with your new girlfriend and tell her you are not mentally in that relationship any more.  Reach out to the other babe and see what she says.  My fear is that you having some nostalgic feelings over someone who might not feel the same way for you. This your fantasy babe could have turned into a "Jezebel" for all you know. People change ooooooooooooooooooh! Hmmm!  You are doing your present girlfriend a huge disservice.

If I were you, I would let go of this present relationship FIRST, anyway before I even reach out for the other babe. You can't have your cake and eat it too.  If you lose both. . .that is a price you must have to accept.  Being alone.

Sisi, between you and Almondjoy I don’t know who I enjoy pass. Who knows what I said when I was a boy? Thanks be to Allah for enlightenment. You are right, all those characteristics didn’t happen in one day but I thought I could live with it. Not anymore, maybe now I like mouthy, flaky spontaneous girls. Is there a crime for a man to change his mind?

Ma ne ne Amfani? Lubabatu

EccentricJ:


Sisi, between you and Almondjoy I don’t know who I enjoy pass. Who knows what I said when I was a boy? Thanks be to God for enlightenment. You are right, all those characteristics didn’t happen in one day but I thought I could live with it. Not anymore, maybe now I like mouthy, flaky spontaneous girls. Is there a crime for a man to change his mind?

Ma ne ne Amfani? Lubabatu

No it is not a crime for a man to change his mind.  But you can't hold one relationship as insurance against another.  You have to let one go to reach for another with honesty.  You are using your present relationship as a "just in case"!  That is very dangerous and may backfire very sadly!

What I find interesting is that you are willing to ignore someone you have a relationship with for someone you just have a "hunch" for.  You have not had any kind of relationship with this emotional heart throb of yours.  All you are doing is "imagining" how things will be.  Very risky I say!

You are gambling with your emotions. Your emotions are controling you instead of you controlling your emotions. Very risky I say!

@ Poster

It all depends on u personally, if u are currently in a good place, u do not want to ruin it,

It is okay to reminisce about the past, just remember to leave the

"baggages" behind, because truthfully dwelling on hurtful things from

the past can be like carring unnecessary excess lugage which will eventually weigh u down.

It is important to learn from the bad, and always keep sweet and pleasant memories with u forever.

You are single. . . .this is your chance to follow your heart.  If you get married feeling like this. . .I am sorry to say that you may be in some big trouble.  Be honest with your new girlfriend and tell her you are not mentally in that relationship any more.  Reach out to the other babe and see what she says.  My fear is that you having some nostalic feelings over someone who might not feel the same way for you.  You are doing your present girlfriend a huge disservice.

If I were you, I would let go of this present relationship FIRST, anyway before I even reach out for the other babe. You can't have your cake and eat it too.  If you lose both. . .that is a price you must have to accept.  Being alone.

Thank You, I knew there was a reason I admired you. Even though you are a woman, you don't let it stop your from saying your mind even if it goes against what majority of the ladies here think.  I am Single and I have a chance to follow my heart. Abi if you don't take chances in your youth, when will you do it? I know If I get married the state I am right now, it's my present girlfriend that will suffer it and you may not believe me but I do care for her and i want her to be happy. She's a good person and will make a good wife but not for me. I regret that it took me this long to realize it but that's life.

Maybe it's nostalgia I am feeling for my old friend and it won't work but in my old age, I can look back knowing I tried.

EccentricJ, this is not new . . . i'd advice you leave your present girl now . . . even if u don't marry your first love u wont fully appreciate her enough and u will continue to make unfair comparisons forever.
BUT before you take a huge leap with your old flame please be cautious, 10yrs is not the same as 10mins . . . the girl u once knew may have changed and u may end up realising u were hankering after a past that had long since morphed into a new personality.

_{But what is it with folks talking about committed relationships today? I just heard the last of my friends is now engaged too!} 

Lady Almondjoy, show me a man who can control his emotions and I'll show you a liar. I understand you and please know I am not taking this lightly. In end, all I want is a wife who is happy and i know when I say yes I will marry you, I becme partly responsible for her happiness.
That's all, J

EccentricJ, this is not new . . . i'd advice you leave your present girl now . . . even if u don't marry your first love u wont fully appreciate her enough and u will continue to make unfair comparisons forever.
BUT before you take a huge leap with your old flame please be cautious, 10yrs is not the same as 10mins . . . the girl u once knew may have changed and u may end up realising u were hankering after a past that had long since morphed into a new personality.   

Bro, trust me from what I have seen and heard of recent, she still has the same personality.

But what is it with folks talking about committed relationships today? I just heard the last of my friends is now engaged too!

E be like say my man never meet the right woman. When you find her, no one go need to force before you start wearing I am commited sign all over the place.

I pity you.