angelhair: First of all I wasn't searching his phone. I was wanted to use it to make a call and he handed it to me himself probably forgetting to delete the call. Th is cheating happened over a year ago and it's something that has bn a pain in our relationship. @biolabee we have bn married 5yrs and have 2 kids. When I asked him to promise me he would cut off all times, it took him so long to accept to do it. I told him " I know you love her, but you have to move on". Was I being silly, should I have gotten a knife and cut him? I'm worrying I might have handled it all wrong.

No, you did right. I wonder though, would you have tolerated her as his second wife?

babyosisi:

See it there


She threw him out
She humiliated him and disgraced him at his place of work
His mother talked
I am sure friends talked too
But the thing holding him is holding him strong

Ehen? If your kid was humiliated in public by his wife, acting like an agbero. You will beg for the sake of the kids. But your opinion of such a woman will change. Abi? My siblings are all partners in crime. I can anticipate my brother's moves and what they are thinking. I know exactly what to say to take them back where they are coming from. If he has a close family relationship, she can use them. Something similar is currently happening to a brother. It is the lady that doesn't want to let go, and she is not married yet. She is actually trying to attend a family function, and we.the girls have threatened to beat her well. All the boys have also abandoned him when it comes to that, and no one wants anything to do with such a relationship. The guy is afraid and currently trying to shake her off seriously. He knows we all stand by the wife because she is like a sister. If he is alone with no backup, he will have a rethink. And the woman wouldn't even think of jumping from frying pan to fire.

angelhair:
Strange enough I'm not really in pain. It's just a tiredness in my soul. Really I'm tired.

emotional pain is a strange phenomenom. a "tiredness in my soul" is worse than physical pain. dont take it lightly.

We were up till 3am discussing every thing. As I said, he is denying that he isn't in love with her but I know he is. It's not like we are unhappy. He was calling her and didn't think I would ever see the calls.

marriage can be difficult at times. for you to be up at 3.00am discussing a marriage problem, is a sign that things ain't smooth anymore. but its also a sign of how much you value your marriage

But I will take ur advice of taking a week off. Just me no kids. Let me see how he would cope. We have been separated when the whole cheating thing blew up and believe me he knows I would leave him if he ever cheats again.

it's okay. Honestly I will pray for you tonight ( e don tey wey I pray o ) I feel Hurt to see young people in a difficult marriage bc I've been there before. And even though I ended my marriage, it was a painful decision that still hurts.

But there's nothing worse than an unhappy marriage. . . .
Sadly

Finally @ the poster

Cheaters are good manipulators
Don't fall for that scam
He is saying all the things you wanna hear just to keep you calm
Maybe even making himself appear as a victim
See you glorifying this man
"We have a good relationship
The SE.x is good
We do everything together"

Well light bulb!!!!!!
Look at the title of your thread,that is the stark reality
He is doing that with you and doing it with someone else
That is disrespectful

Do not be scammed my dear,it is a vicious cycle
If he truly loved you,he wouldn't be emotionally with someone else
Don't think the physical part is over
It may not be
With Skype and phone se.x you never know what may be going on when they cannot be together physically

Forget his family members for now,they cannot do much but beg you to forgive

Give that ultimatum
Marriage counseling is a must here
If he is unable to break that chain,you need to hold your head up high and walk!
Staying will sap you of self confidence
Listen to what he says but listen to how you feel

He has shown you who he is
A married man whose heart is with another woman
Take him for exactly what he has shown you not what he tells you or what you would wish he were

Do not fall for emotional 419 scam
Ekwu si go kwa m ( I don talk finish)

Wish u the best

Pray tell which marriage counselling do we have in Nigeria? People just open their mouth to talk anyhow. Is it the pastor who will tell you to stay there and pray that all is well? Or the society who will tell u where do you think you are going? Endure oh, marriage is all about endurance. ? My dear, trust is already broken in your marriage, and trust is like a mirror, you might try to fix it, but you best believe you will forever see the cracks. You might never be able to trust your husband conmpletely, and the onus is on your husband to build up that trust. Did he meet this woman after the marriage? Or was it during the marriage they met? You two, take a trip and talk, let him know how emotionally broken you are, and try to remember why you two got married in the first place. An emotional affair is usually harder to deal with than a physical one.

You diss Nigeria, diss the Pastors and the Society and all you had to say to op was "you two take a trip and talk"?
You are such a pathetic pessimistic disaster to marriages. People like you should NEVER offer to type any form of advise to anybody on Marriage matters.

@OP,
Please you both should see a Marriage Councellor that comes recommended or your Pastor if you do have one. Most Churches actually have trained Marriage Councellors. If you are in Nigeria I can recommend the Pastor in Charge of Family Life at House on the Rock. Reve (Dr) Yinka Akinbami. I trust God to fill you with Wisdom and heal your marriage by the day so you don't make a bad decision because so far you have handled things well. Blessings!

From your old post, you were in love with your vibrator while married.

https://www.nairaland.com/925728/woman-v1brator-0rgasm

angelhair: A while ago, I discovered my husband was having an affair. It wasn't a short term roll in the hay it was more of a relationship with another Lady.

Well to cut the long story short after all the trouble, the separation the quarrels and the tears and begging for forgiveness, we decided to give it another shot.

We moved on with our lives , until last week when I tried to use his phone and found a suspicious received call. Then I discovered he was still in contact with her. now this lady has moved on, she's married now and has a child and is fearful for her own marriage cos I did threaten her about telling her husband what she was up to, so I'd doubt she will try.

So I asked him, dude what is all this about? From our discussion I realized that their relationship wasn't just sexual that he loved her and now he has a hard time letting go of her.


It is tough for me you know. I told her if he loves her, he can go to her and I'll be fine. He says he doesn't but I know he's lying, I know he loves her cos I cld tell he was pained when he realized she was getting married.

It's all really depressing right now, should I give him space to get over it cos he keeps calling her just to talk to her. Honestly right now, I'm tired, I'm about to give up.

baby na you be this? this story sound too much like mine

nwanna89: From your old post, you were in love with your vibrator while married.

https://www.nairaland.com/925728/woman-v1brator-0rgasm

So she's a story teller . *exits thread*

dapsonlou:




baby na you be this? this story sound too much like mine

You are suggesting that you are the husband. Oya bring proof and tell us your story. How does a man love another woman simultaneously with his wife? I could help you answer but it would not be 'all that'.

If someone doesn't love you. Leave. Love can't possibly be forced.

My dear, tell him that u'll report her to her husband,and/or talk to the lady. Warn her in a very matured way. Let her knw that her husband will get to knw if she continues. When I say tell, I mean threaten o! If he doesn't stop, make the obvious plan B....leave him for good. If he loves you, he'll leave her anyway. You need to break that love asap before they go far into it again.

angelhair: First of all I wasn't searching his phone. I was wanted to use it to make a call and he handed it to me himself probably forgetting to delete the call. Th is cheating happened over a year ago and it's something that has bn a pain in our relationship. @biolabee we have bn married 5yrs and have 2 kids. When I asked him to promise me he would cut off all times, it took him so long to accept to do it. I told him " I know you love her, but you have to move on". Was I being silly, should I have gotten a knife and cut him? I'm worrying I might have handled it all wrong.

That he gave you the phone (his phone!) himself, shows that your husband is NOT the typical womaniser!
He is just lovey-dovey over the lady (By the way, did you snatch him from her, in the past? ..just wondering! )
Go and ask "real playboys", and they would tell you that its "an art".
They will even encrypt EVERYTHING on their phone and you can have it and open it for the next ten years, you will see Nadda!


Again, let me be honest with you: Your husband LOVED that woman. From what you have said, he was/is in-love with her!
Its a natural "human-feeling", for different people, it takes different length of time to GET OVER IT.

The important thing is "If he wants to get over it ...and if you are willing to help him get over it".
Its even a good thing that she is NOW married.

That he still talks to her is NOT ENOUGH to develop gray hairs.
*For example, what do they talk about? (Is it love or just chat?)
*Can he or would he be willing to talk to her in your presence?
*Does he go the "next step" to see her in person, in private?

All the above can give an "insight" into whether he still wants her ..or he is just bidding time, to get over her, something which no one can do anything about.

How about asking that he invite her to dinner, you'all out everything on the table in a mature manner and re-assure each other? Aaaah, No!, bad move, l suspect you would probably tear her to pieces!
relax, give him time to get over it, it will happen but willbe gradual.

As per your last question, l SUPPORT the idea that you stick a KNIFE into him, ... and please dont use a short one, use a Ten inch blade so that it can reach his internal organs; that way, he would become exactly what you need/want: A good (for nothing) Man!

Lastpage!

This one pass me, to be sincere!
I'll just sit back and watch...we're basically trying to 'unlove' a full-grown man that is in love. hmmmmmmmmmmmm...
I wish you the best, op but you're seriously on a very long thing.

Firstly I feel for you and understand your situation. Perfectly. I am a married man with a boy who is 5 years old, I was once like your husband.

Please I will beg you do everything to win back your man. Firstly please just forget the thought about your husband is cheating on you, see as if you have lost something so precious and you should do all to recover it.

From personal predicament, I was in love with another woman in a foregin land, where I can lose all I have worked for if my wife decide to fight dirty.

I knew I was heading for destruction by having an affair but I did not care anymore because what mattered was my happiness and peace of mind. I will not say you
are solely responsible for your husband actions. However, you had definitely trigger is desire to seek for happiness elsewhere subconsciously through your behaviours/actions.

Always remember you are the neck of the family, the neck controls the head. Once the neck becomes stiff, the head is useless. Realise, your husband is your first son, most women don't know men are grown up babies. I am man and I am telling you the truth, forget how intelligent and strong he is and other stuffs.

You need to be extra patient, tolerant, and extra mature as a woman if you want a happy home. We men want respect, attention, being looked after. We are very selfish, we believe our wife's should forget their life's once they get married.

I tell you what, my wife woke me up in middle of the night with tears in her eyes and told me please find it in your heart to forgive me if I have done or still doing something that made you mortgage your love for me. She had a choice of telling me look guy, if you don't leave that lady, I will destroy you and make you pay dearly.

I came back to my sense and I realised I had just been given a second chance and if I screw up, I may regret it.

So in the nut shell, try and unravel why someone you exchanged marital vows with decided to love someone else after 5 years. Do a root cause analysis and pray for God to give you patience and uncommon preserverance.

Do this and your children will surely receive God blessings and uncommon grace. That's the way God pay back pious women.

My 2 cents
Yemi (Perth WA)

nwanna89: From your old post, you were in love with your vibrator while married.

https://www.nairaland.com/925728/woman-v1brator-0rgasm

Damn! I did not see this earlier!

So, its not just the husband that was "in-love with something else"!

No wonder!
Like Jimmy Cliff will say : I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW....

Women and their "cry-cry baby stuff"!

Lastpage!

Very irresposible man. I think you should take some time off with your husband and discuss your future together. What does it even mean to 'find a soul mate' after you are already married?

Treat your husband like a king but more importantly treat yourself better. You are too focused on what he is doing with her,put that focus on yourself and find a way to be happy with yourself.

He has stopped cheating but still talks to her. He is a grown man and you cannot babysit him per second. But you can control your emotion,your reaction to the situation.

Whatever makes you happy and fulfilled start doing it without neglecting him. Don't make him everything,alpha and omega the only source of love in your life.If you have family and friends,get to know them again.No need to be aggressive,quarrelous or wearing the pained look 24/7. Just give yourself a chance to enjoy life.

Marriage matter, consult your 2 families.

Sister, this is a battle u cant fight it alone! Take action pls. Tell her husband what is going on btw his wife and ur husband. I am sure he wouldnt bear it also. The truth is that, no sensible man would like his wife to be shared wit another man because they re jeolous but greedy. He ll fight the other side of the battle for u.
Hope this ll work.

nwanna89: From your old post, you were in love with your vibrator while married.

https://www.nairaland.com/925728/woman-v1brator-0rgasm

Ghen Ghen!!

The respondent that advised you to go for a weekend revival of your wedding vows has already given you the best advice. The most important thing for any marriage to succeed is the Fear of God for without the Fear of God people do as they wish until they begin to suffer the consequences of their foolish actions. The Fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

passionate88: no b lie, na better qstn u ask o. Where person fit get counsellor for Naija sef?.

you can check out this pastor,he is a trusted hand ................ https://www.facebook.com/PastorBisiAdewale

we men sef we too greedy hw man where don marry go keep another woman sote the woman come marry her own hubby the man no want letam go, na waooo.

What I think you should do is this:

First, try to talk to him and make him understand dt his actions are hurting you and if he continues dt way it'll affect your relationship.
But if he dosent change after a while, then change ur attitude towards him, stop being d caring pleasant wife u used 2 be and make him believe ure in a relationship with anoda person. Act like u don't care,make night calls even if is to friends and pretend like its anoda man and He'll think ure in a rel . This will make him jealous and trust me it will get to him cos even though men cheat, they hate being cheated upon. I wud never advise u to call either d oda woman or her husband cos it will only endear her to him.

SnipperinADiaper , im really impressed even I as a psychiatrist cudnt ave cum up with ur most brilliant and flawless advice. Thanks 4 ur valuable contribution bro

coogar:

this is a myth!
there's no special woman anywhere....if both parties work together, love would grow. a man who's divorced 4 times would tell you he thought each of those women were special at first before things went belly-up.

I can't believe I actually agree with u on something.

So many questions begging for answers! If I̶̲̥̅̊ may ask we have only got one side of the story which is yours and its definitely a very disturbing one for the relationship.However,there are many things that can lure a man into the arms of another woman.I̶̲̥̅̊ don't want to go into details here. I̶̲̥̅̊ 'll never support any party into defrauding the other by cheating, however it could be as a result of one frustration or the other that he might have found a thrill somewhere else.♍Ɣ dear, it's up to you if you want this marriage to work. First and foremost, you 'll need intense prayers to mount guard over Ūя̲̅ marriage, then you must make sure all his emotional needs are attended to.For example, I̶̲̥̅̊ personally hate ♍Ɣ woman arguing with M̶̲̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ on any issue.I̶̲̥̅̊ hate it with a passion.Different things for different men and So many couples mistake having kids for success I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ a marriage! I̶̲̥̅̊ strongly disagree. That is when real work starts. ♍Ɣ dear I̶̲̥̅̊ believe this marriage is still salvageable.Put in dis and I̶̲̥̅̊ believe you'll be seeing the results I̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ no time.

Truckpusher: smh

toshmann:

I was married for 4yrs, I NEVER cheated on my wife. (And i was a guy that had many female "well wishers" as a bachelor) The marriage ended for other sad reasons. Cheating IS NOT the only source of unhappiness in a marriage. I painfully discovered.

If you arent a cheater then why are you so worried about marrying somebody who looks/thinks like me?

voodoo gangster: SnipperinADiaper , im really impressed even I as a psychiatrist cudnt ave cum up with ur most brilliant and flawless advice. Thanks 4 ur valuable contribution bro

And thanks for your equally valuable reply fVcktard.

So sad dear, I think I can relate with ur pain. my boyfriend of 2years is currently doing thesame to me now for d past 3 months, with a girl that is seriously engaged to be married, once I found some messages were the girls fiancee was verbally abusing and threatening my boyfriend and my boyfriend was also threatening him back can u imagine, I felt so shattered, and pained and I know how it really hurts watching someone u love gradually slipping away.
I have talked with him and he said he wil stop but still keeping in touch with her, cos he wil be up all nite chatting, always clutching his fone even in d toilet and gets angry over every little thin.
I'm learning to give him space and hope and pray that all will be well soon.