Hmmmmmmmm...!

"I am a danfo driver sow,
shabe you be danfo driver sow
Am a danfo driver sow"

I followed the beat of my second hand sound radio system in my Danfo bus, the two wraps of igboh i took was allowing the breeze from the window enter my brain well.

Business had been very good that day, by my calculations i have made about n1500 including the n200 Okon my conductor hid in his cap, the boy thought i had not seen him, he forgot that a boy cant be better than his master.

"Okon, na how much you don get today?" i said.

"Oka uduak, na only n400 naira o, business e bad too much" he said.

"Whatt, Okon, you dey mad abi, all the money wey you hide, i dey blind abi, oya begin comot am before i send you go village today" i threatened angrily.

"Oka, abeg na Devil cause am, me i no go steal your money again, my mama don old and my brother dey primary school, oka see your money" He began removing different naira currencies from different parts of his body, even from his boxers.

"Chai, Okon dem swear for you, see as this money from your boxer dey smell, e be like your prick don expire" i shouted when the money was passed to me.

The two passengers at the front seat faced their nose to the other side because the smell could kill an Elephant, i quickly put the money in my pocket.

"Oka, no be my fault na, na my mama say make i were am, e go protect me from Lagos wahala" he bragged.

"Okon,you better go do connvenssion for father, because your own don finish-fian" i shot my own blunders at him.

"Oya begin dey call busstop before i sack you" i shouted at Okon who was busy looking at angle 360degrees on a woman's bottoms outside.

"Oka, sorry, oya , agengule, oshodi, araba who dey go?" Okon spoil the names of different names in Lagos, if only area boys caught him that would have been another story.

Just then a white car suddenly overtook us and bruised my Danfo bus in the process, i looked at my side mirror and saw the damage made on my Bus.

"Iyamio, so this people no know say i be Akwa ibom man, i go show them say i get sense pass them, Okon you dey see wetin i dey see ba?"

"Yes oka, i see wetin dem do, my heart dey do tiko, tiko, tiko, i even nearly fly comot from window, oka no gree o, follow them, jam their moto" he urged me on.

That was all the advice i needed i increased my speed and chased the car, my passengers were shouting for me to came down but i did not hear them. I was at par with the car and looked in only to see two young men in the car.

The driver had red eyes like an indian hemp smoker while his passenger was a dude with large head, he was not putting on any shirt he looked more like a tout to me.

"Una boys dey mad, so una jam me no talk anything abi?" i querried.

"OGa you dey mad, here na lagos o, you no fit do anything, go fucck your self" the big headed dude shouted at me.

"No worry, na una tire i go fucck" i waited till a sharp bend and then i hit the back of their car which skidded off the road and landed in a kiosk nearby.

"Yes, oka, you too much, now my heart don kul like pure water" Okon praised me as i reduced my speed and looked back at my handiwork.

Suddenly two Lastma pickup vans began chasing my Danfo, i knew i was in for a big shit as an idea entered my head.

"Okon, you sabi drive bus?"

"Yes oka, i be original driver, i drive gongoni and tire wen i dey small" he foolishly said.

"Oya today God don bless u, u go drive moto today" i shouted back.

He came and collect the steering while i Jumped into a little undergrowth bush in a corner where the latsma officers would not know.

They chased after the bus quickly as i got up and smiled, Okon go spend him time for Lagos prison today, im go know say that him bocer charm no dey work for Lagos.

I quickly ran back to the road where i hit the car, people gathered there to watch the scence. I could see the driver of the car lieing on the ground dead while the big headed fellow was crying and shouting his name to wake up.

"Bros na wetin be una name?" i asked.

"My name na Attai and this my friend wey die him name na Flow, i go kill that Danfo man if i catch am" he screamed.

He suddenly dragged his friend to the side of the road, i looked at the back seat only to see a black suitcase, damn, money fit dey inside jare, i looked around and sneaked in and began dragging the suitcase.

"Oboy na wetin you dey do?" people asked as Attai suddenly climbed back inside the car and started the ignition.

He zoomed off with me at the back.

"Chai, i don die inside this motor" i mistakenly said aloud as Attai suddenly caught his brakes and turned to look at me.

"No be you be that Danfo driver?, your own don finish" he shouted..

Oya foxy ur turn don reach. Sorry for d delay, my phone blackout during typing.

Still i ROCK

Ok!Time for me to comment. I've been reading from page 1 and believe me I find everything very interesting and very hilarious.U guys are just 1daful.Keep it up.

So therock don join the colabo,maybe i might join too or so i thought.

eeeehya!

yeeeeeepa!

Nice 1 bro waiting for flow to carry on with the shot, abeg target ur endemy wella gbolaga!!!

Gobe!!!

E be lyk say u wan exterminate....

Omo dis collabo no b moi-moi, na comfirm, make una ride on

Flow?!?! Dead?!?! *teardrop*

Updates coming shortly...

abeg wu be dis The rock??.... abi u bin wan cum fyt wrestling 4 here? continue oooo brodassssss mi... flow, floxy, n rock.

Baba don join..oya he dey swit my belle..*screamin nd shouting*therock therock therock!!!!!

''Noooooo!''

I shouted and jumped up. My heart was beating 50 times the normal beat.

''Attai... You stupid o''

I turned around. Flow was lying there on the bed close to me. I shouted and gave him a tight hug.

''You don craze finish o. E be like say Oga landlord don do you charm''

I laughed. I had never been so happy to see Flow. I looked at his scared face, the same place he had collected a punch for me.

''Flow, you know say me and you na brothers ba?''

I asked him. He looked at me confusingly.

''Na true walai. Landlord swear for you. Open your preek make I see.''

He said stretching his hands towards me. I jumped back.

''Even if landlord swear for me, e no mean say I turn gay na.''

I shouted at him. He smiled at stood up from the bed, his ar''se stark na''ked.

''Eh, Flow... Wetin be this?''

I touched my buttocks to make sure everything was safe. For Flow to sleep naked was strange.

''Haruna!''

I was shocked. What was Haruna doing in Lagos. Flow could have caught some kind of madness after the hot chase from the Landlord.

''I dream say Danfo jam you''

He stopped in his tracks. He was pulling his boxers up.

''How danfo wan carry jam me for Kano?''

He asked what I thought was a stupid question.

''Just dey careful o because I leave you dead body run''

I replied him.

''Na wetin make you dey call me your brother now now?''

Flow asked another question.

''No, na because of say na the same mama born us.''

I replied him. He looked at me like he wanted to punch me. The distance between us seemed to discourage him.

''Even if your mama adopt me, I go reject am''

My own sweet mother.

''Na person wey get mama know as e dey sweet''

I taunted him. He just shook his head again and screamed.

''Haruna!!! Where that aboki sef''

I was finally convinced.

''Flow, e be like the swear wey landlord swear for me, na you e catch.''

I said and stood up. The bedsheet fell to the ground, my ugly pen'is coming into view. I screamed like it was not my own.

''Flow, wetin you use my preek do?''

I asked.

''Attai, your questions don too much. We don come back kano. Na ashawo do your preek anyhow.''

He replied.

''Me? Ashawo? How? When? Why''

I asked him five questions at the same time.

''Na your papa go answer all this many questions?''

He answered my question with a question.

''No, na you''

I was in no mood to argue.

''You sleep through out the journey. Nothing wey I no do to wake you up. Make you wake up, for where. But as we reach we I pick ashawo them for Ahmadiyya road, na you first start to dey fuccck inside car. Even the drinks wey I buy sef, na you finish them''

He paused to catch his breath.

''Na so so talk you just dey talk for your sleep. E make dem the ashawos run no collect money.''

He concluded. My mouth was wide open as I stared at him. Whatever he was talking about sounded alien to me. I fVckked without actually knowing it. Now that part was painful.

''Oga Flow, I dey parlour.''

Haruna shouted from the living room. Flow stepped outside the room while I ran into the shower to take my bath. My head felt heavy and legs wobbled like a drunken giant. The whole room did not change, it only looked cleaner. Seems Haruna took care of it very well. I turned the shower on and closed my eyes allowing the water to wash away sleep and tiredness from my eyes.

***********************

''Food don ready o''

Flow shouted as I stepped out. My eyes caught the black suitcase where the money received from the general was kept.

''Flow.. I dey come''

I shouted back. I walked cautiously towards the box like it housed a bomb. Picking the box up I dropped it gently on the table close to the bed. My heart was pounding as I gently clicked the button to open the box. There sure would be no harm taking some of the business money for us. I forgot about rule no. 5. ''Always deliver the cash intact. Life and money don't go together''.

''Click.. Click...''

The button refused to give way. I tried it severally until I gave up. I dropped the suitcase and headed towards the living room.

''Flow, that mumu box no wan open o... E be like that general...''

I stopped mid-sentence. Flow was seated on the dining, munching away at a big loaf of bread, a bowl of thick tea close to him. On a flat china laid scrambled egg and jam. My salivary gland was instantly activated. I was dead hungry.

Lagos na bastard!!!



TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Hahahaha.... Abeg give us more update b4 u sleep

I still dy oh.

Instresting!!!

VanTee20: What happens when two of the best comedy writers on Nairaland drop that gargantuan ego writers are known to have () and decide to collaborate on a story? Simple! The readers are sure to develop mutiple injuries to their ribs due to excessive laughing.

Now that is exactly what I'm experiencing, my ribs just dey ache like mad. I don laff tire. Kudos to Foxy_Flow and Flow1759 jare. I dey feel dis ur story die. U guys are 20 much...




STILL I LEARN FROM FOXY, FLOW AND RED MOSSY...

I go bomb

''All this plenty food, Flow no kill yourself oo''

I shouted so as to be heard. My mouth was stuffed too with bread, the taste of fresh quality bread is far different from the agege bread Kareem fed us with.

Breakfast - Agege bread and akara

Lunch - Agege bread and beans

Dinner - Agege bread and papa.

The first time I did this combination, I was inside ther God forsaken toilet for over an hour without shit coming out. I pushed and pushed but each time the shit wants to come out, I would feel like someone is tearing my rectum apart. I had to leave the toilet when it seemed the the toilet was shitting on me. That day Flow and Kareem slept outside for they would have died in their sleep from the smell emanating from my body.

''Attai, take am easy o''

Flow shouted when I took the last bread. Haruna had bought 5 fresh breads. Flow ate two while I ate three. At the end of our breakfast we sat lazily at the dining doing belching competition.

''O boy, when we dey go see Alhaji?''

Flow asked me.

''Ehen, I don remember, that box no gree open o''

I said to Flow as I dipped my finger into my mouth to move bread crumbs that had stuck to my teeth. This I proceeded to lick off.

''Na because of you Alhaji say make General change the combination. Him believe you die.''

''Na wa o. Alhaji greedy o''

I had not finished making the statement when Flow's phone rang. He looked at the phone lazily. It was lying on the settee some steps away from the dining.

''Attai, abeg pass me that phone''

He said. I turned my white eyes into red and looked at him.

''We be colleagues. I no be your junior brother.''

I replied him.

''If na money sef, I no get tell you o''

Flow said as he lazily got up from the chair he was sitting on.

''Flow, you be pikin? Why you dey hide ball inside your cloth na?''

Flows stomach was looking like a 4 months pregnant woman.

''No, na your head I hide there.''

He replied, not even looking at me for once. It got me infuriated. I stood up at once but something else pulled me down. My stomach.

''Attai.. You swallow that ashawo?''

Flow asked me incredulously.

''Na your mouth I taje swallow am''

I replied him. My stomach felt like I was hiding stones inside. I prayed the stones don't tear me open.

''Alhaji say make we report o''

Flow said to me as he answered the call. He dragged himself down, holding his stomach close. I wished I was a doctor at that moment.

''Make we dey go na.''

I said to Flow immediately not minding my stony stomach.

''Oya na.''

Flow replied. Moments later we were on our way to works layout. The wind blew on my face, the whole place looked like it was missing me. I was back home.

''Put your eye glasses on Attai. Make those boys know say we jusy dey come back from mission''

Flow said to me. We were both dressed in black tuxedos. The black sun shades would make us look like Men in Black. I would have been Tommy Lee is not for my big head. Flow acting Will Smith would have been totally off. He could end up sleeping with all the crew members.

''Pom pom''

Flow honked once and waited. I stood waiting for the head with a skull cap to appear but I saw nothing. I looKed at Flow. He sat down, once of his hands on the will, the other on the gear while he twisted his mouth in a manner which only him could feel as sexy.

''Blow that horn again o''

I said and waited for the reaction of the gate. It slided open and ushered us into the mansion. The same place we had been learning the business of coco dealing.

''Oga Attai and Flow. I dey welucom oo''

The skull capped wearing gateman who sat very far from the gate greeted.

''Why you no dey your post?''

Flow asked. In response, the gateman wave a remote. The house had been upgraded to security 9.0.

''Make we go deliver this thing sharpaly as I still get business for this town.''

I said to Flow who stopped greeting people and marched with me to Alhaji's office.

''You guys are welcome''

A male voice different from the other secretary greeted us. I looked at Flow. Alhaji had sure done a lot. He was nowhere in his agenda to allow security breach.

''My name is Flow. 1759 is my nickname. His name is Attai. Alomo is his nickname.''

I wondered why he introduced me. The dude did not even smile. He just shook his small head.

''I know who you guys are.''

I stopped myself from drawing out a gun.

''I am Peter. But you call al me Uduak.''

He concluded. Me and Flow looked at ourselves. Uduak Peter, the new secretary? I just knew it was a matter of days before the knew secretary will escape for his life. We sure were gonna torment him.

''Uhm.. Uhm''

The unmistaken voice of Alhaji coughed.






TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Good night y'all. Updates continues tomorrow morning.




Thanks for reading and your comments. I don't ignore your comments o. Please keep them coming. A special thanks to Vantee and The Rock555. You guys are great. Thank you.

To oga Flow... I still be your boy. Nothing go fit seperate us. Our collabo have come to stay.

Hmmm, e be like Oga At The Top dey vex o. You knw who I dey refer to na

My Oga At The Top, na you biko

Happy sunday.

Typing...

Foxy_Flow: Typing...

waitinq......

Foxy_Flow: Typing...

when you finish dont forget me oo. Anyway make money for the pars trip o

We turned simultaneously to see the bearded face of Alhaji Dankwambo smiling. All my days with him I had not seen him smile but that singular act of smiling changed everything. It was better for him not to smile. Smiling made him uglier than ugly itself.

''Reporting Sir''

We said smartly before Alhaji frowned and became a little less ugly.

''You are welcome boys''

His voice still had that icy feel.

''O boy, this man no dey change?''

Flow asked as Alhaji kept staring at our faces. It was like the man wanted to enter our souls. If he should succeed, what he will find there would make him denounce coco business. Flow would have been harbouring the spirit of ''agberoism'' while he would have seen the spirit of ''Landlordaughterism'' in me.

''Where is the package?''

He asked, smiling again. I nearly shouted,

''Alhaji, would you fvcking frown you ugly face into its regular pattern?''

But my mouth refused moving. Flow handed the package to him and right there in front of us, he pressed the button and 'clicked' it opened. Flow and I exchanged glances. Money, foreign currency stared back at us. My finger which was folded neatly behind me danced, itched, screaming to be free.

''You guys did a good job. You have proven yourself worthy.''

''Thank you sir''

We replied in unison.

''You are discharged.''

He said but not without giving us a bundle each. He handed our ATM cards back to us. Alhaji had given us back a huge chunk of our lives back.

''See as una dey smile like fish''

Uduak commented as we stepped out of Alhaji's spacious office.

''Taaasssss''

Flow had landed a hot slap on his face.

''Yeehhhhhhhh''

Uduak shouted falling back. We turned but heard something vibrating vigorously behind us. We turned to see Uduak forming on the mouth, his white part of the eyeballs showing.

''Flow, you don kill person oo''

I shouted silently not wanting Alhaji to know.

''I no kill am o, him don die, I just complete the process.''

Flow replied. My stomach vibrated, my anus twitched and...

''Prapapapapa''

Flow had ducked cos he was expecting it. Seemed my secret weapon followed me from Lagos down to Kano. Uduak who was vibrating suddenly became silent. A stupid smile playing on his lips. I looked at him and then back at Flow who was standing up slowly, a nose guide already in place on his nose.

''Thank you for saving me Attai''

Me? How? When? That fart was supposed to complete the process.

''I have epilepsy which attacks me anytime''

So that was epilepsy in display. I looked at Flow who looked back.

''Piannnn''

If you watch tom and jerry then you will understand. We left our shadow and disappeared sharply from there. Legend has it that epilepsy can infect you when the epileptic patient farts. I had farted healing to him, I don't want him to fart sickness back.

''You mess na wa o. Make e no give Alhaji heart attack''

Flow said to me as soon as I started the car. I looked to my rear view mirror to see the angel that had been tormenting my sleep walk past. Flow looked at me, I am sure he had noticed the daze look I carried.

''I dey come''

I said to Flow and stepped out. I adjusted my tuxedo and walked to her.

''Ange...''

Now read this in slow motion.

She turned slowly, the wind raising her hair dancing in the wind. Her dovey eyes opened wide, her lips curved into a smile. Her breath pushed her breeast up a little bit. Her hips in full view.

''...lll''

Now read this fastly.

Gboa, the earth became void and formless, i saw my self walking on streets of gold. Gboom!! I landed on my back. The move had been so swift I did not catch it.

''I miss you too.''

She said slowly, laughing at me she turned round and walked away.

''Attai, landlord swear for you neh?''

Flow spoiled my day dreaming. He passed his hand, I held it and stood up. We were going to paint the town blue.


**********************************

''Oga Attai. Una get am for visitor''

Haruna said to me. He stepped aside to reveal Uduak smiling.

''Good morning sir. Alhaji said I should give you this.''

Flow who had appeared in behind me because I had shouted when I saw Uduak, collected the file.

''Attai, na our P.A be this o''

I looked at the smiling Uduak and hated the job for the first time.

''Him say make we lay low dey work for office till the next consignment.''

I looked at Flow and hated him for the first time.

''Alhaji said I should move in with you.''

I looked at Uduak and hated him for the second time.

''Oga, make I dey go''

I looked at Haruna and liked him for the first time.

''Haruna, carry Uduak follow body. Him na your room mate.''

Haruna look like he had eaten cockroach. He had no choice. We were the boss.



TO BE CONTINUED...

We shall continue after church. Make I bath come dey go church.

Kidda Berry, I see you. Bufness, Kiluminati, Vantee, The rock, onyi classic, walai... I need to use a PC to acknowledge you guys. This I shall do tomorrow.

Na una make me no give up o. The moderator been frustrate me. I just dey dish out update once in a while because of some help. The story no die. I am back fully. Expect updates like never before.


Happy Sunday pals!!!

Fooooooox!!! This last one was.....was....was..was....was....*passes out* (ATTAIII)

Flow, Foxy n The rock, U guyz re under arrest...... 4 attempt murder, U almost got me killed but have broken all ma ribs.... Av bin hospitalized 4 d damages u caused ma ribs.......... In Case I die, Y'all will be charged 4 Murder case, bt nw na still attempt Murder......

U hav d right to remain silent, coz anytin u say, will be used against ya, in d court of Law.

wow am loving dis