When i say Foxy, y'all say Flow :-)....... When i say Rock y'all say Uduak.lol!!! Hhmmm.....but wait o....where da F**** is 1759? I kinda miss him

flow, foxy nd rock ehhh una don mak my gf tear me hot slap 2day cos I dy laff while she was sayin sumtin serious bt whn I go vex na whn una no go update now cos my blood hot

Foxy_Flow:

Thank God you are back... Allow Uduak to do the next update please. I want to see his foresight into creating a new setting.

Thank you!!


Still you Flow... Still I Foxy.. That dude Rocks!!!

uduak or 1759 anybody shuld update plss

Typing...

Welcome back oga Flow, u and foxy still remain my mentors

""MODIFIED"". NEXT TIME ABEG FLOW JUST PM ME. THANK YOU

"na who get this slippers?" asked Lagbaja.

If Lagbaja is the name of the Nigerian Musician with a mask, then the guy with machete was sure a twin brother to Lagbaja. With several scars covering his face, i could barely precisely tell where his mouth opening was, he had another mouth on his forehead, a mouth that couldn't speak. I wondered if he was born with such uncountable scars. Of course not, a scar is the ID card of a tout.

"i say who thief our Dog!" The other guy with what looked like an iron r'od barked.

The guy with the iron r'od wasn't a twin brother to Lagbaja at all, rather he could best be described as a twin brother to Olusegun Obasanjo a.k.a Obj(Baba i know say you dey read this story, abeg no curse my Papa and Mama as you curse Eeedris Abdulkareem Papa and Mama oh)

"na all of us thief the chicken oh" Attai cried as Lagbaja drew a very sharp machete close to his neck.

"who thief Chicken?" Obj queried.

"sorry bros! I mean say na all of us thief the Goat!" it seemed my friend Attai was loosing his mind. Why wouldn't he? When a razor sharp machete was about slicing his straw look-alike throat.

"Attai! Who thief Goat?" I thundered.

"Bros make una no mind am oh, na this boy thief una Dog, and na him get that slippers" I pointed at Uduak who was about taking to his heels.

"if you run! I shut" Lagbaja said like someone with a gun. Uduak instantly paused, or rather he frooze. But his dickson was moving.

"i no thief the Dog oh, i use am give all this secondary school student wey dey write WAEC make them use do Biology Practical" Udauk spoke Swahili.

"the Dog na your own?" Obj yelled.

"yes! Sorry No!" The fidgety Udauk cried.

"wetin be your name sef?" Lagbaja placed the machete on Uduak's head, that made him forgot his name instantly, or so i thought.

"Lagbaja him name na Udauk" that just suddenly came out of my mouth.

"who be Lagbaja?".

"na you na" my tongue slipped.

"na me you dey call Lagbaja?" He thundered moving the machete from Udauk's head to my head.

"no be you oh! Na me be Lagbaja, you be Fela!" the cold feeling of the machete on my head made me say rubbish.

"who be Fela?" the machete left my head to my neck. I was already on my kneels.

"sorry bros! You no be Fela, You be Sunny Ade!" that was the only name that came to my mind.

"no Flow! Him no be Sunny Ade, Him be Micheal Jackson" Attai said as he recieved a stroke of the Iron r'od with Obj.

"na your Papa be Micheal Jackson" Obj swiftly brought out a Dagger from his waist and pointed it at Udauk's dickson.

"i go cut this your Abuna, and i go use am do Suya" Obj was dead serious. To my surprise Uduak's dickson still stood like rock of Gibrater.

Legend has it that an erected dickson would instantly shrink once a life threatening situation shows up.


"oya all of una Frog jump!" Obj ordered.

I turned and saw that Haruna was nowhere to be found. How did he leave without Obj and Lagbaja noticing? I asked myself.

"i say all of una Frog jump"

I thought he said "Frog chop"

"oga since wey my Mama born me, i never chop Frog before, Attai don chop Frog" I pointed at Attai.

"yes sir! I don chop Frog, i don chop Snake, Cat, Lizard and even Lion sef, i don chop plenty animals, na only dead body i never chop" Attai was almost sheding tears as Obj brought the Dagger close to his chest.

"where the Frog make i chop am?" Attai was going nuts.

Meanwhile, Uduak had already started Frog jumping, with his dickson dangling like a swing.

Attai and I joined Uduak Frog jumping raining curses on him; "Uduak walai e no go better for you, see wahala wey you don put us".

We had Frog jumped to and fro Seven times when Attai started releasing gas.

"bra bra broooooo"

"who mess?" Obj asked.

"i say, who mess?" he asked again, this time with the Dagger as his speaking aid.

"na all of us mess oh" Attai cried.

"how all of una go mess the same time? I say who mess?" He asked covering his Nose.

"na him mess" Uduak pointed at Attai.

"you sabi mess abi? Stand up!" Lagbaja commanded.

Attai's fart had saved him, he had been freed, or so i thought, so i searched my bowel for a fart that would free me also, unfortunately or fortunately i found none.

"two of una make una give us una phone" Obj was referring to I and Uduak.

Uduak quickly dashed in to bring his phone, while i pleaded with Obj and Lagbaja to allow us remove our SIM cards, lucky enough, they agreed.


"you! Follow us! You go smell pepper today" they dragged Attai out of the compound to God knows where.



"He that live by the sword, will go by the sword" they say, but i say "He that live by fart, will surely go by fart".

#gbam...

Lol rock u ar rocking nairaland jaare, nice one. I can't sleep waiting for more update dis nite

Foxy_Flow:

Thank God you are back... Allow Uduak to do the next update please. I want to see his foresight into creating a new setting.

Thank you!!


Still you Flow... Still I Foxy.. That dude Rocks!!!

Am sorry, i had updated already before i saw this, tell Rock to modify his, you know i can't reach him. Sorry once more

What a blow

flow1759:

Am sorry, i had updated already before i saw this, tell Rock to modify his, you know i can't reach him. Sorry once more

Oga Flow no probs, i don send u request tire for 2go u no gree accept. No need modifying, i would just change the name, its not bad to have two fun packs with the same characters

bufness: #gbam...

the two story is confusing oo @flow and rock. Anyways Bufness u still dey awake

luxs: What a blow

I think d black guy is Uduak lolz

otijah: I think d black guy is Uduak lolz

.
No be lie

Na wA o.....maybe guyz have to do it in some sort of order....ofcourse my favorite comes first...foxy_flow.

I pray make I no go laf when imam go dey read sermon for mosque tomorrow

Hey Flow...I popped in one more time because, I love your writing so much. I just can't do it. This really is a guys story, and you don't explain the Pidgin this time. It looks like everyone is enjoying it, so congrats. Sorry Sweet...maybe next time. Flow on Babe...

Tex

this would be my very first time of commenting tho. .buh i strongly believe vhat vhiz story is so so hilarious,even tew girls #..if u have d sense of humor,then this story is d piece for u..be it a girl,a boy or even a hermaphrodite. Lmao

otijah: the two story is confusing oo @flow and rock. Anyways Bufness u still dey awake

I dy awake o,dz clabo no dy allow me slip aqain .dz is high-larious...cum to fink of et...maybe u quys shud do ileya special oo

Both write ups are hillarious but I would need one thing. Uduak, please modify yours... Please.. You will update after me.

I slept off last night because I closed late though I checked and did not see any update. Ehm... Modify your own Uduak... We will pick cue from where Flow stopped...


Typing...

Still I Floxy...

Api Salah celebration to una and good morning.

@foxy-u can update then let flow update, my oga say we no be muslim so no break for us.

Make una continue, any place i meet in the night i go pick up from there.

Thank you.

''Na your mess go save you today''

Don't get that sentence wrong. It was an ironical statement. How on earth would my fart that had been saving me from so many problems turn to become my downfall? I made a mental note on how and where to fart. If I see a soft man intimidating us, then the sure weapon would be a fart but for kpakos like Lagbaja and Obj, damn, my fart smelt like perfume to them.

''Lagboski...''

I was saying before a slap landed on my ears. It vibrated and passed to my brain which sent the signal to my cerebral cortex. The cerebral cortex received and sent out a message.

''Na my name be Lagboski?''

The onle with scars and stretch marks on his face asked me. I heard him ask so I had to answer even though my ear was ringing ''weeeeennnnnnn''

''Ba ba ba ba aaaaa... Bala mehaka maaa da da daaa''

They looked at me surprised. I looked at my reflection on a car mirror too with surprise. When did I become dumb.

''Na me you dey yan nonsense give?''

The Lagbaja looking one asked while Obj's twin was too surprise to utter a word.

''Baraaaa baaaa''

I completed the sentence with;

''Pututututu''

My anus added.

''You still get mind dey mess?''

Obj asked, the question landing into my ear with a punch. The bigness of my head saved me a little bit as I had ducked before the blow landed. His knuckle struck on my head with a great crack. His knuckle broke. He had punched the great Zuma rock.

''Ahhhhhhhhhh... Yeeeeeeeee... Na ka ya kare.''
**your own don finish**

He spoke Hausa for the first time. His punch had already losened my tongue. I had thought I was dealing with Yoruba boys all this while. Never knew Hausa boys too could be this ugly. Now that explains the daggers. (apologies my yoruba brethen).

''Ai kuma baku isa ba.''
**Una no fit**

I replied them catching them by surprise.

''Kai, badawa za mu kai ka walahi''
**we are taking you to badawa**

The scarface said. He was the one holding my belt tightly. We had already gotten to Hadeija road and was trekking towards railway. The boys seemed to have tracked their dogs from a distance or were they impostors?

''Badawa? No be our neighbour una be?''

I asked the obvious. Obj was tending to his broken fingers so he did not answer me. It was scarface that was doing all the talking.

''When we reach badawa you go know.''

Down we went through the river bed, climbed up, crossed the railway line and head into the dreaded Agangara. Legend has it that the smell of brukutu, ogogoro and beer emanating from that place is enough to make you drunk. Every young girl there too had done an abortion. Those who did not are either pregnant or have a baby in the house. All this are facts. Ask any Kano boy.

''Madam Kofa, we don bring the boy.''

We were standing in front of a shop, though it was still morning, smoke was coming out from inside which was dark.

''Make una bring am come inside''

A voice rumbled from within. The kind of voice that gets you confused if it is owned by a woman or a dog. I was dragged in by only scarface. Obj still had his knuckle to tend to. The place was dark but was illuminated by shiny glows which comes ON once in a while. The smoke too, combined with the smell I had taken into my system made my head swoon. I was dead drunk and high on the igbo's smoke at the same time.

''Na you thief my dog?''

A voice barked. My eyes had gotten used to the dark and sitted across me on a wide bench is a woman who can only be compared to the legendary Yokozuma.

''No o. I no steal am o. Na my boy move the neighbour dog.''

I was vibrating. She raised her hands up, revealing a thick igbo which she had rolled. She puffed on it, dragged the smoke in and released it mightily. So mightily grew my highness and it prevailed. I fell too the ground as mt knee buckled but a kick from Obj made me jump up.

''You know how long my boys don dey keep surveillance on that dog?''

Bingo, they were also thieves.

''Ehm.. Ehm''

I answered shaking my head in slow motion.

''One month and 2 weeks before you stupidly thief the dog.''

No be me thief am oo, I screamed in my head. It was better it remained in my head as my eyes picked the turning stick she kept close to her. If there was anything I was scared of after ''Pastors'', it is a turning stick. I and a turning stick dates backward... A time when I was still a novice.

Looking at her turning stick, the memory came back flooding to me.



TO BE CONTINUED IMMEDIATELY...

I just finished secondary school then, though I had perfected the art of stealing, I had not gotten an opportunity to use it. No money on me as my drunkard of a father always found his way into my pocket to move any change I had. The he does it still baffles me. He might call me, look at me and then dismiss me. When I leave his presence, my money disappears. It is at that same time he will take his bottle to go and get a refill of monkey tail ogogoro. Maybe I was just a chip of the old block.

''Attai.. Where this useless pikin dey sef''

My father called from the room as I sat outside picking stones and throwing them away. I was idle and the only play my idle mind could up with was throwing stones.

''I dey here''

I shouted back from outside. My mother had gone out to the market that morning leaving me with N40 for both breakfast and lunch. My father had seen her and here he is wanting to steal my money.

''Na outside dey call you?''

My father shouted from inside.

''E be like say.''

I responded. I cherished the small money in my pocket.

''Useless pikin.''

He cursed from inside.

''Na you be my father''

I responded.

''Thunder fire you there.''

He cursed and kept quiet. The rickety one door leading into the compound opened. I looked up to see people dragging a big bed into the compound. Finally, I said in my head. The nurse who had come to carpet her room was finally coming to live there. I stood up like the good boy I was and joined in dragging the bed inside. The nurse was full of thanks.

''God bless you o my pikin.''

I was 16 and she could be like 30 something. Her calling me her pikin was not bad. The bad thing is she was unmarried. She had nice looking breasts and her buttocks was more like a ballon filled with water. It vibrates when she walks. Talk about an idle virgin. I felt I was gonna get laid.

Days later I had created an opening through the wall of the bathroom where I peep at her bathing. Touching myself and wishing I would barge into the bathroom and get a cut.

''Na who dey peep there.''

She had shouted one day as I watched her change her clothes through a little opening on her door. I tip-toed away. Moments later I heard a gentle knock on our door. This I opened to see the woman smiling at me. She beckoned me to follow her. U la la, I knew I was gonna get laid.

But event turned so fastly that I was lucky to escape with only a sprained hand. She had turned and attacked me with a turning stick. She hit and hit while I blocked and blocked. It was a crack on my bone that made me run into the toilet.

She shouted obscenities at me, pushed and pushed the door but the pain did not let me open up. I held tight to the door. She left and I ran away from home.

***************************
PRESENT DAY:

''Madam, no be me steal the cat, na money I dey steal.''

I confessed my hobby while praying something savs me. Her hand moved to the turning stick, at the same time my stomach vibrated.

''Kaabooonnnn''

I dropped one loud fart. The shop shook. Those I had not seen intially jumped out with scream. They pushed me aside and made their way outside. The woman sat petrified like she had been struck with thunder. Scarface was nowhere, Obj was on the ground. Talk about reserving the last weapon for the end.

I walked out of the shop into the smelling streets of Agangara. People stood watching me walking away like a champion. They kept looking until I flagged a bike and hopped on. As the bike zoomed off, I turned round and saw that actvities had resumed. My fart had frozen all of them.



TO BE CONTINUED...

I salute ur fart.

Daniel2802: I salute ur fart.

Stop na, you no fit salute another thing abi

Foxy_Flow:

Stop na, you no fit salute another thing abi

wetin again u want make we salute nah, as ur head no dey fit save u. Once again I salute ur fart. NEXT. UPDATE. PLSSS

otijah: wetin again u want make we salute nah, as ur head no dey fit save u. Once again I salute ur fart. NEXT. UPDATE. PLSSS

I flow
i fox
i rock

maybe this is the best collabo

Dis ur fart na thunder o, even dat calabar boy self na thief

nice one foxy