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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego (1488321 Views)
akpos funniest joke, and more. / 24/7 Nigeria Jokes Update / Real Funny Nigeria Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:46pm On Nov 07, 2013 |
AKPOS IN AN INTERVIEW ON FEMALE AFFAIRS. Coordinator: Can you tell us the differences between Girl and A Woman? Akpos: »A Girl searches for a rich man »A Woman searches for a caring and loving man »A Girl envies those who move ahead and hate the players »A Woman shares their knowledge and help others move ahead by not hating the players but teaching them the rules to the game. »A Girl measures her man's worth by the weight of his pocket. »A Woman measures her man's worth by his level of Wisdom and the fear of God, and how disciplined he can be towards his finances. »A Girl breaks up with silly excuses »A Woman has endurance, knowing that everything happens for a reason »A Girl thinks about present »A Woman thinks about the future of you and herself »A Girl loves to have many guys going after her »A Woman knows the law of demand (Cheap things have high purchasers) »A Girl takes relationship affairs outside »A Woman solves the problems within herself and her partner »A Girl demands for money to buy make-Ups » A Woman demand for money to fulfill her plans »A Girl gets hurt by one man and makes all other men pay for it. »A Woman knows that, that was just ONE man. »A girl is "learning"...A woman "knows" »A Girl will read this and get an attitude. »A Woman will read this and pass it to other women. 7 Likes 5 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:13pm On Nov 07, 2013 |
A man goes into a library to ask for a book on suicide. He met with Akpos the librarian. Man: Please! Do you have a book on suicide? Akpos: What do you want to read that kind of book for? Man: I want to commit suicide. Akpos stares at him for a while and said; Please leave this place! Who will return the book. 4 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:42pm On Nov 07, 2013 |
The Teacher told all the students to write an essay on a football match. All the students immediately got to work. After a short while, Akpos stood up to submit his work. The Teacher was shocked when she read what Akpos had written: Which says; "IT RAINED HEAVILY, SO NO MATCH" 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:28am On Nov 08, 2013 |
AKPOS: I cleaned my computer and it's broken. TECHNICIAN: What did you clean it with? AKPOS: Soap and water. TECHNICIAN: You are not supposed to use water near a computer. AKPOS: I don't think it was the water that broke it, I think it is the washing machine. 2 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:22am On Nov 08, 2013 |
A husband and wife and their 8 children were waiting at a bus stop. After a few minutes, an old man who was walking with the aid of a walking stick joined them. When the bus arrived, it was almost full. Only the wife and the eight children were able to enter. The husband and the old man decided to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the walking stick of the old man and said to him; That ticking sound is driving me crazy. Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick. The old man replied: Shut up and keep walking. If you would have put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick we would be sitting in the bus. 12 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by skiposmith007: 10:28am On Nov 08, 2013 |
I dy feel wetin u dy talk since, but I no dy play with gun men....hahahahha soldier, na die ooooo 1 Like |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 12:16pm On Nov 08, 2013 |
skipo smith007: I dy feel wetin u dy talk since, but I no dy play with gun men....hahahahha soldier, na die oooooBros thank God o. Cos gun no be am. Abeg find stick dey play with. To avoid touching story. |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 12:16pm On Nov 08, 2013 |
Akpos an armed robber ordered his victim to surrender all the money he had on him. The victim fearfully obeyed. After collecting the money, Akpos asked his victim if he had brought all the money on him. The victim replied, "yes." Doubting the victim, Akpos the armed robber searched his pockets, finding some money in the inner pocket, Akpos the armed robber slapped the victims face and said; "Don't you know lying is a sin!" 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 2:23pm On Nov 08, 2013 |
Akpos walks into a bar and orders for a drink. He was obviously upset. "Akpos, what is the matter?" asked Ofego. "Ofego, It is a long story. I met this beautiful woman who invited me to her house. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my fingernails without any clothes on. ''That's tough!'' said Ofego. ''Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated. When her husband came into the room, he wanted to have sex with her but he had to piss first. And the lazy son of a bitch pissed out of the window right onto my head. 'Shit! No wonder you are in a bad mood." Ofego said. Akpos continued: 'Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really made me mad. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my goddamned forehead!'' ''Hmm, that is really so bad!'' Ofego said. Akpos said: ''Oh, I'm not finished! See, what really pissed me off was when the husband had to shit. It turns out that their toilet was broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head. That would sure mess up my day. Ofego said. Akpos said: 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? Ofego said: No. Akpos said: When I looked down i saw that my feet was only SIX inches off the ground. 6 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:59pm On Nov 08, 2013 |
Akpos In church. Pastor: Akpos are you ready to give your life to Christ? Akpos: Yes pastor. Pastor: Ok, repeat after me. Dear heavenly father i thank you. Akpos: Dear heavenly father i thank you. Pastor: Thank you for giving out your son Jesus to die for my sin. Akpos: Thank you for giving out your son Jesus to die for my sin. Pastor: Even as i come to you today accept me and wash my sin away and make me clean. Akpos: Even as i come to you today accept me and wash my sin away and make me clean. Pastor: For in Jesus name we pray. Akpos: For in Jesus name we pray. Pastor: Amen. Akpos: Amen. Pastor: Akpos you are now a new man. Akpos: Akpos you are now a new man. Pastor: No, you can stop now i have finish. Akpos: No, you can stop now i have finish. Pastor: I said stop repeating after me. Akpos: I said stop repeating after me. Pastor: Holy Jesus! Akpos: Holy Jesus! Pastor: Akpos stop this before i lay a curse on you. Akpos: Akpos stop this before i lay a curse on you. Pastor: Do you know you are in front of the people. Akpos: Do you know you are in front of the people. Pastor: It seems you are not born again yet. Akpos: It seems you are not born again yet. Pastor: (Whispers) Akpos please stop. Akpos: Akpos please stop. Pastor: Akpos it seems you are possess. Akpos: Akpos it seems you are possess. Pastor (Tired): Church please help me beg Akpos to stop. Akpos: Church please help me beg Akpos to stop. Church Members: Please Akpos stop. Akpos: (Silent). Pastor: Akpos go and sit down. (facing the congregation) Church Offering time. Akpos: Akpos go and sit down. Church Offering time. Pastor: (changes his mood) Akpos if you think you can come here and stop offering, that means you lie. Akpos: Akpos if you think you can come here and stop offering, that means you lie. 3 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:28am On Nov 09, 2013 |
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know a native doctor who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the native doctor. The man went to the native doctor and says, "Baba, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The native doctor stares in amazement, scratches his head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. The frog has magic. You will say to the frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!" 15 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:43am On Nov 09, 2013 |
During The Shooting Of A Movie. Director: Now we are going to release the lion and it will chase you, but don't worry it won't bite you. Ofego: How sure are you? Director: It is written in the script. Ofego: Has the lion read the script?? 7 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:29pm On Nov 09, 2013 |
In 1902, a professor asked his student whether it was God who created everything that exists in the universe. Student replied: Yes. He again asked: What about evil? Has God created evil also? The student got silent.... Then the student requested that may he ask him a question. Professor allowed him to do so. He asked: Does cold exist? Professor said: Yes! Don't you feel the cold. Student said: I'm sorry but you are wrong sir. Cold is a complete absence of heat. There is no cold, it is only an absence of heat. Student asked again: Does darkness exist? Professor said: Yes! Student replied: You are again wrong sir. There is no such thing like darkness. It is actually the absence of light. Sir! We always study light and heat, but not cold and darkness. Similarly, the evil does not exist. Actually it is the absence of love, faith and true belief in God. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 11:44am On Nov 10, 2013 |
Akpos was in a restaurant when his phone rang. He picked it up and said; Hello! Who is this? The voice said; Akpos it's me Jane your ex girlfriend. You just forgot about me o. No, how can you say such, is you that forgot about me na, you ran away from me....Akpos said. That's that. Akpos you are enjoying o....Jane teased. Akpos said; Yes o. I'm on BB now. Jane screamed; You mean it. I want to be on BB like you o. Akpos said; Ok. Jane said; Today is my birthday, so what will you buy for me. Akpos said; You mean today is your birthday. I didn't know o. Okay don't worry i'm coming with your BB in an hour's time. Jane said okay and ends the call. An hour later there was a knock on her door, she opened it and it was Akpos holding a black nylon bag. She said; Wow! I guess that's the BB. Akpos said yes. I can't wait to see it and ping....concurr ed Jane. She wanted to grab it but Akpos said she should not be in a hurry that when he wants to go, he'll give it to her. Akpos spent some few minutes with her, gave her the bag and was about to go. She wanted to open it but this time Akpos shunned her saying; Don't open it now, come and accompany me to the road first, when you come back, you open it. The excited Jane said okay and accompanied Akpos. And he left. Later in the day Akpos received a phone call. Hello! Who is this?...asked Akpos. The voice said; Akpos It's me Rukayat, Jane's roommate. Jane has fainted o. How manage?....aske d Akpos. Rukayat said; When she opened the black nylon bag you gave to her, she discovered it is Beans and Bread that is inside. 6 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by Nobody: 3:57pm On Nov 10, 2013 |
njuwo: A husband and wife and their 8 children were waiting at a bus stop. 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by omoikea(m): 11:06am On Nov 11, 2013 |
well done brother,gud job and u are putting smiles on ppl's face 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:19pm On Nov 11, 2013 |
One day a man decided to surprise his wife. He took all day to bake a cake in the shape of a big HEART with the help of the house girl. The house girl asked him what the shape meant and he simply said "LOVE". The wife came back shouting at the house girl when she met her sleeping. The Wife: Will you get up now! Stupid girl what have you been doing since morning? Maid: Madam don't be angry please. Me and oga have been making LOVE since morning. Is just now that we finished. I then said i should lie down and rest a little. The woman fainted. 7 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:21pm On Nov 11, 2013 |
omoikea: well done brother,gud job and u are putting smiles on ppl's faceThank you bros. Make God sugar your milk the more. 2 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:40pm On Nov 11, 2013 |
Once a fisherman was sitting near a seashore, under the a tree eating banana. Suddenly a rich businessman passing by approached him and enquired as to why he was sitting eating banana and not working. The fisherman replied that he had caught enough fishes for the day. Hearing this, the rich man got angry and said: Why don't you catch more fishes instead of sitting in shadow wasting your time? The Fisherman asked: What would i do by catching more fishes? Rich Businessman: You could catch more fishes, sell them and earn more money and buy a bigger boat. Fisherman: What will i do then? Rich Businessman: You could go fishing in deep waters and catch even more fishes and make more money. Fisherman: Then what? Rich Businessman: You could buy many boats, employ people to work for you and earn more money. Fisherman: Then what? Rich Businessman: You could become a rich businessman like me. Fisherman: Then what? Rich Businessman: You could then enjoy your life peacefully. Fisherman: Isn't that what i am doing now? Moral: You don't have to wait for tomorrow to be happy. You don't even need to be rich, powerful before you can be happy. LIFE is at this moment, enjoy it fully. Be content and appreciate how much you've been blessed with. 6 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:29pm On Nov 12, 2013 |
In a mathematics class, the teacher wrote on the blackboard 8xy+3gy-14(18/ 3)= 3g-7yx Then he called Akpos and said; Please Akpos come and solve this little problem for us. Gladly and quickly, Akpos walked to the blackboard, took the duster and wiped the whole blackboard clean. Then he turned to the teacher and said; The problem is solved sir. 6 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 4:14pm On Nov 13, 2013 |
Somebody mistakenly sent 800 Thousand Naira to a wrong number which was Akpos' phone number via Mobile Money. The person realised that before Akpos withdraws the whole money, he had to think of what to do if he wants to get his money back. To Akpos' phone number. He immediately sent a text: Hi Boss, i hope you are okay. I hope you've received the money i sent you for the introduction ceremony of joining Illuminati Satanism scheduled to happen at 12midnight. That money is only for transport. I will send you more for pocket money and there are riches awaiting you. Remember to carry a syringe and needle meant to draw your blood every 20 minutes. Please don't be late because the devil will be present to officiate the ceremony. Thanks in advance. But in case you are not ready to join, please send back the money. 4 Minutes later. The person gets a Mobile Money message - You have received 800 Thousand Naira for your mobile money account. |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 7:38pm On Nov 13, 2013 |
Akpos travelled to Contonou to buy a Car. As he was driving back to Warri, he had an accident along Benin - Ore express road with the car and died. His body was taken to a Mortuary in Lagos. Akpos' Family then sent a driver with an Ambulance to Lagos to bring back his body for burial. The driver was driving slowly back to Warri with the body of Akpos in a coffin on the Ambulance when he received a call from Akpos' family that he should hurry up and bring back Akpos' body so that they'll bury him sharperly cause it was about to rain in Warri. The Driver started driving speed. He was speeding along Benin - Ore express road when all of a sudden Akpos rose up from the coffin, tapped him on his shoulder and said; Driver abeg take am easy, i no wan die two times. 3 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 9:07pm On Nov 13, 2013 |
Akpos Chatting With His Girlfriend. Girlfriend: Hi Akpos: How are you? Girlfriend: I'm not fine. Akpos: Oh! You know i love you. What is the problem? Girlfriend: Please, can you send me 10k. Akpos: For what? Girlfriend: I want to use it to buy some clothes, make up and take care of myself for you. Akpos: Hmmmm, that's my girl. Take it...K,K,K,K,K, K,K,K,K & k. Do you want more 4 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:33am On Nov 14, 2013 |
Efe often wondered why his mother never let him suckle her breasts as a baby. According to his maternal aunt, she will rather squeeze the milk into a bottle and feed him from there. In primary school, while his mates came to school with food flasks of assorted dishes, his mother usually stuffed his small snack bag with twelve TomTom sweets insisting he takes atleast one every thirty minutes. He also had difficulty making friends as people were fond of covering their noses while talking to him. When he got into the university, the height of it was when his supposed best friend told him to take up classes in sign language. That got him thinking… Why should he learn sign language when he was neither deaf nor dumb. Determined to get to the bottom of the matter once and for all, he decided to confront his mother that afternoon. ”How true is it that you never let me sucked your breasts? Why am I the only one forced to use a separate spoon at home? Why is it that when I’m having an argument with anyone, I win as soon as I open my mouth? Why have you made me lick over 150 packets of TomTom since I was born? Why do people say I wouldn’t have a problem eating sour beans? Why mama, why?” His mother was moved to tears… ”My son, I didn’t let you suck my breasts because you were born with a terrible mouth odour! I didn’t want my nipples to smell!” she cried out ”I guess that answers other questions” Efe ran to his room and wept profusely. His girlfriend of two years was finally due to visit the next weekend and his mouth odour seemed unstoppable. The pain seemed to increase each time he came to terms with the fact that mouth odour is stronger than love. He had to do something fast! Two house flies flew past his mouth and collapsed from the stench. In shock, he grabbed a can of Airwick Air-freshener and sprayed some into his mouth. Sadly, the aftermath was a horrible taste. This had got to stop! He brought out his PC to skype with the family dentist and the conversation ended with the dentist advising him to go on a long distance relationship rather than embarrass himself. If dentists could not help him, he was going to go resort to African traditional means. With that conclusion and inquires from some people, he made his way to a native doctor shrine the next day. On getting to the shrine, the native doctor perceived his mouth odour immediately Efe greeted him. There was no need to tell him the problem when the problem had already ‘spoken’. After the incantations, Efe was told to bring 20 litres of palm oil, a packet of maggi cubes, 20 cups of garri, 5 litres of kerosene, 2 chickens and three thousand naira in three days time. In exact three days, he complied with the native doctor's directives who handed him a small rectangular package wrapped in a red cloth. ”On the day you are meant to visit your girlfriend, take out one of the contents and chew with all your might and strength immediately you catch sight of her”. Satisfied, Efe thanked him and went home. Upon the arrival of Jane (his facebook friend) to the restaurant where they were meant to meet, he unwrapped the red cloth only to find a packet of ORBIT CHEWING GUM!!! Even Native Doctors know orbit chewing gum has been palliating the mouth odour industry since 1806. What’s your excuse for being so ignorant. 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:40am On Nov 14, 2013 |
POLICE: Where do you live? AKPOS: With my parents. POLICE: Where does your parents live? AKPOS: With me. POLICE: Where do you all live? AKPOS: Together. POLICE: Where is your house? AKPOS: Next to my neighbours house. POLICE: Where is your neighbour's house? AKPOS: If I tell you, you won't believe me. POLICE: Tell me. AKPOS: Next to my house. 3 Likes 2 Shares |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 1:11pm On Nov 14, 2013 |
Akpos was robbed by armed robbers. The bag which he was holding was collected from him and the robbers left. As Akpos was on his way back home he was just laughing. Ofego saw him and asked; Akpos why are you laughing. What is funny. Akpos replied; Ofego i was robbed by armed robbers. Ofego asked; Is that why you are laughing? Akpos replied; Not just that, they collected my bag. Ofego said; But Akpos that's not funny. Akpos said; Ofego it's funny o. I'm laughing because the bag which i was holding contain my fresh 'shit' which i wanted to go and throw away. I guess they helped me. 5 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 3:06pm On Nov 14, 2013 |
A Mortuary Attendant was receiving bodies when he saw this body with the name Mike on it with the longest dickey he has ever seen. He decided to cut it off and go show his wife. When he reached home he called out his wife "Sweetie come. I want to show you something" The wife came and on spotting the dickey she screamed: "YOU MEAN MIKE IS DEAD? 3 Likes |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 6:40pm On Nov 14, 2013 |
Akpos asked a girl in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUU!!!”. All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to Akpos table and whispered at Akpos; I study psychology and i know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?" Akpos responded with a loud voice: 200 Thousand Naira JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? IT'S TOO COST O!!!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. Akpos then whispered in her ear; I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty. 7 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 8:42am On Nov 15, 2013 |
(Phone Rings...) Wife: Hello! Husband: Hey dear, where are you? Wife: I'm in a Court right now. Husband: (Breathing Heavily) Please please my darling, i will not cheat on you again. Wife: What do you mean? Husband: I cheated on you, i impregnated our maid, i slept with your best friend and i stole your money. Wife: Really? Husband: Yes, but which court are you? Supreme court? Magistrate court? Or Appeal court? Wife: I mean, I'm in a BASKETBALL COURT. 5 Likes 1 Share |
Re: Nigeria Jokes Update With Ofego by njuwo(m): 10:30am On Nov 15, 2013 |
One day, Musa was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the Musa 2,000 Naira, and the Musa went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time Musa figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his friend Akpos, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. Musa put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked Akpos to give it a try. Akpos removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked Musa, horrified. Akpos replied; Look at you, you think I'll use the side that you've put in your mouth. 4 Likes 1 Share |
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