Death came to a guy and said; Guy today is your day.

The Guy said: But I'm not ready.

Death said; Your name is the next on my list.

The Guy said; Okay, why don’t you sit down let me bring you something to eat before you take me.

Death said; All right.

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it.

Death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list, removed his name from the top of the list and put it at the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy; Because you have been very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.

njuwo: Death came to a guy and said; Guy today is your day.

The Guy said: But I'm not ready.

Death said; Your name is the next on my list.

The Guy said; Okay, why don’t you sit down let me bring you something to eat before you take me.

Death said; All right.

The guy gave death some food with sleeping pills in it.

Death finished eating and fell into a deep sleep.

The guy took the list, removed his name from the top of the list and put it at the bottom of the list.

When death woke up he said to the guy; Because you have been very nice to me, I will start from the BOTTOM of the list.

See "GOBE"

At a bus stop there was a girl who was
wearing a skin-tight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived, and it was her turn
to get on, she realised that her skirt was so
tight that she
couldn't get her foot high enough to reach
the step.
Thinking it would give her enough
slack to raise her leg, she unzip a little at the
back of her Mini Skirt.
She still could not reach the step.
Embarrassed, she reaches back once again
to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she
reaches back and unzips her skirt all the
way.
Thinking that she could get on the step
now, she lift up her leg
only to realise that she still couldn't reach
the step.
Seeing how embarrased the girl was, Akpos
who was standing behind her put his
hands around her waist and lifted her up
on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turned around furiously and said; I
don't know you. How dare you touch my
body that way.
In shock, Akpos said; You unzipped My
trouser three times. I Thought You Need My
Help.

Akpos, Ochuko and Ofego were lost in a forest.

For weeks, they lived there.

One day they find a magic lamp.

They rub it, and sure enough, out comes a genie.

The genie says; Since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one.

So Ochuko goes first; I have been stuck here for too long, I miss my family and my friends and my life. I just want to go home. POOF, he is gone.

Then Ofego makes his wish; I thought i was going to die here. I am tired of this place o! Oga please, me too, I want to go home. and POOF, he is gone.

Then Akpos starts crying uncontrollably; Eeya. ei, chai oooooo eeeee ahhhh! I am missing them already.

The genie asks, What is the problem?

Akpos replies; I wish my friends were here.

The name Akpos is carved out from names
from the Urhobo and Isoko tribes in Delta
State Southern Nigeria. Akpos is actually the
shortform for names from the above tribes i
mentioned like Akpororo, Akpobome,
Akpomiemie. Back in Delta state Nigeria,
Urhobo and Isoko tribes in particular, people
who are called Akpororo which means life is
hot, Akpomiemie which means life is sweet,
Akpobome which means my own life e.t.c are
usually called Akpos for short which simply
means life by friends. The name became
popular when Bovi a Popular Nigeria
Comedian used it as his name on about two
to three episodes of the famous AY LIVE T.V
SHOW Who Wants To Be A Billionaire Segment
on Africa Magic and other T.V stations here in
Nigeria few years back. From there, the name
Akpos became more popular when Nigeria
Jokes writers like me started using it as the
main character and center of attraction in a
joke.

Akpos was sleeping one afternoon in the house and started dreaming.

He saw Chelsea and Arsenal playing a match and started shouting; Chelsea will win! Chelsea will win! I say chelsea will win.

Ochuko immediately interupted; It's a lie, Arsenal will win.

Ochuko then bet with Akpos that if chelsea wins the match Akpos should slap him. But if Arsenal
wins the match he'll slap Akpos.

But before the match could finish Akpos woke up.

He got up from the bed and switched on his television.

Chelsea and Arsenal were indeed playing a match and it was Live.

Akpos relaxed to watch the match and Chelsea won the match with two goals to nil.

As the final whistle was blown Akpos got up, ran to Ochuko's house and gave him a hot slap.

Ochuko fell down and almost fainted.

He got up with provocation and asked Akpos why he had slapped him.

Akpos replied; Have you forgotten our bet.

Akpos was taking a walk one day when he saw a very beautiful girl and approached her and said; Hello lady, you are so beautiful like the Heavens. Can i get to know you?

The girl kept on walking.

Akpos followed her.

He continued; Do you mind if i take you out on a date.

The girl didn't reply. She kept mute still walking.

Akpos said; See girl, i'm not only interested in you but ready to mingle and spend my money on you even though you are not single.

The girl was silent while still walking.

Akpos continued; Allow me to come into your life let me pamper you and be your one and only till eternity.

The girl didn't reply.

She was just focused on the road while walking.

Meanwhile Ofego who was by the roadside was laughing.

Akpos asked; Hey, why are you laughing.

Ofego replied; Why are you disturbing the girl. Don't you know she is DEAF and Dumb.

Ofego saw Akpos at Agidingbi road following a lady with a big buttocks who was putting on a revealing tight trouser.

Ofego asked; Akpos where are you going?

Akpos replied; I was going to Ikeja but as i saw this big buttocks i got confused and don't know where i am going again.

The King of a community announced that he was looking for the greatest liar in the community.

He said the greatest liar in the community will receive as reward, a cash price of One Million Naira.

Akpos then went to the palace to meet the King and said; Your majesty, you came to my house this morning, slept with my wife and forgot your boxer.

The people were shocked.

All eyes were on the King.

The King then shouted; Are you mad. That's the greatest lie. When did i come to your house this morning, slept with your wife and forgot my boxer when i've actually been in the palace since morning. You must be the greatest liar.

A Warri Mum called Akpos her son and said;
Akpos that fish and meat don boil?
Akpos replied; Yes ma le.
The Mum then said; Abeg implicate salt and
maggi, attach oil, pepper and sentence the
crayfish, then involve the leafs. After
10minutes discharge the pot from fire. U dey
hear me so?
Akpos replied; Yes ma le. Shuoo this food go
good to download with fufu ma le.
His Mum said; Akpos no worry. I don detain
some fufu for cooler, when time reach we go
give am Amnesty.

The new house boy Akpos was given a list of what to buy in the market by his madam:

Pepper- N400,

Fish- N600,

Vegetable-N100,

Oil- N400

Total- N1500.

He took longer than expected and madam went looking for him.

After sighting him from a distance, with anger she said; What have you been doing for goodness' sake.

Akpos replied; Madam don't be angry, I have bought everything. Is Total i've been looking for since.

diamond bank is the biggest joke out there!!!!![color=#990000][/color]

Akpos and his gang went to rob a city bank.

Everybody down! Akpos shouted.

Everyone laid flat on the ground.

Where is the bank manager? He asked.

A young gentle man stood up and said; Here i am.

Open the safe and bring out all the money. Akpos requested.

The young man kindly replied; Sir, this thing you are doing is not good o. It is a crime against society and humanity.

Shut up!... Akpos angrily retorted. If not because it is a toy gun i'm holding, i would have blown off your brain.

Akpos is currently receiving treatment at the prison hospital.

At a mosque fund raising ceremony for a
bigger mosque.
Many guests that could not come sent
cheques.
The Alfa read out the donations:
Alhaji Bali 2 million naira. Allahu Akbar.
Alhaji Dosumu 20 million naira. Allahu Akbar!
When he saw the next cheque, he paused
and appeared confused.
Then he screamed; Alhaji D-A-N-G-O-T-E 800
million naira. PRAISE THE LORD!
All the Muslims replied; HALLELUYAH!

A lazy man Akpos gave his stubborn wife some oranges to go and sell.

She went and came back crying that she was been beaten by a man.

Instead of Akpos to ask what happened, he got angry and asked his stubborn wife to describe the place where she was beaten. Which she did.

Akpos went there alone with an empty bottle of star larger beer that he is going there to teach the bastard who beat up his wife a lesson of his life.

When he got there, he started shouting; Who is staying here? Come outside and fight me. I am the man that you beat up his wife.

Akpos smashed the empty star larger beer bottle at the gate.

From within, A man with a very huge voice shouted; WHO BROKE THAT BOTTLE AT MY GATE.

Akpos got scared and replied; THE PERSON THAT BROKE THE BOTTLE IS PACKING IT.

Akpos was driven out of the house by his landlord one early morning and went to the corner of a church to catch some sleep.

That morning the church members came to hold a worship and praise section and started singing and praising God.

He looked in the church and saw the church members singing aloud with thunderous voices.

Akpos was unable to sleep.

He then left the Church and went to climb a huge tree at the forest to catch some sleep.

Night came. Akpos was sleeping at the tree top in the forest when he heard some strange noises.

Looking down at the bottom of the tree he saw a group of witches holding a meeting. Among them were some of the faces he had seen in the church.

Akpos then became afraid and said; They are the same people.

Akpos and Ofego were listening to a Radio broadcast.

Akpos looked at Ofego and said; This people are making a very big mistake.

Ofego then asked; Why do you say so?

Akpos replied; When Mr Obi died, they announced OBITUARY and now Mr Okoro died, they still announced Obituary again instead of OKOROTUARY.

Akpos was in church one sunday when pastor preached about everybody in the church posessing the power to cast out demons.

On hearing this, Akpos decided to test it.

As he was returning home from church he saw his friend Ochuko, pointed at him and said; You demon, if you are in this body, show yourself in Jesus name.

All of a sudden, a demon in Ochuko's body manifested horribly.

Akpos was shocked and took to his heels.

Ochuko ran after him saying; Don't you want to heal me again. Come and finish what you started o.

A man gave a FAKE 20 Naira to a blind man Akpos by the road side who was begging for alms.

The blind man Akpos said; Excuse me sir. This your money is fake. I don't like it.

The man got suprised and asked; How did you know its fake?

Akpos replied; I am not blind. I'm standing in for my blind friend who always stands here.

The man asked; And where is your friend?

Akpos replied; He has gone to the cinema to watch a movie.

Akpos' First day in a new Secondary School.

The Teacher told the class that there will be an elementary science test the next week.

Contrary to his nature, Akpos read his book from cover to cover like no man's business.

On the test day, the teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible.

Question 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its' common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc.

After about 20 minutes of frustration and not writing down anything, Akpos storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher and said; Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home!

The Teacher said; What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name?

Akpos raised his trouser, pointed to his leg and said; 'Oya you too, look at my leg, tell me my name, my surname, where I live and the tribe I come from.

A woman while her husband was at work
was making love with her secret lover
Akpos when her 9 year old son came home
unexpectedly. He saw the illegal lovers and
hides in the bedroom's wardrobe to watch.
Minutes later the woman's husband came
home. She hides her lover Akpos in the
wardrobe, not knowing that her son was in
the wardrobe. The little boy said; It's dark in
here. Akpos replied; Yes it is. The boy said; I
have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?
Akpos replied; No. The boy then said; My
father is outside, i'll call him if you don't buy
it. In fear Akpos then said; How much? The
boy replied; 3,500 Naira. A few weeks later
it happened again. The boy and Akpos were
in the wardrobe together. The Boy said; It's
dark in here. Akpos said; Yes it is. The Boy
then said; I have soccer boots, wanna buy?
Akpos remembered last time and asked the
boy how much is it. The boy then said it's
3,000 Naira. Akpos said Okay and paid. A
few days later the father told the boy to
grab his ball and boots let them go outside
and have a game. The boy said he can't.
That he had sold them for 6,500 Naira. The
father said; That's terrible to overcharge
your friends like that.....6,500 Naira is way
more than what those two things cost. I'm
going to take you to church tomorrow for
you to confess your sins. The next day they
go to church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confession booth and closes
the door. The boy said; It's dark in here.
Akpos the priest replied; Don't start that
rubbish here again. THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT
YOUR FATHER'S BEDROOM'S WARDROBE.

A goat and a chicken were discussing and walking along the road side when all of a sudden a car passed and splashed water on them.

Angrily the chicken hissed and said; Don't mind them. That's how they drive foolishly like goat.

The goat smiled and said; No wonder they die like chicken.

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear
Removers.”

He calls the number, and the bear remover Akpos says he’ll be there in 30 minutes.

Akpos The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.

He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old dog.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks.

Akpos replied; I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off
the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the dog is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the
van.

Akpos then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

Akpos replied; If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.

Akpos walked into class with
black eye.

The Teacher asked; What happened?

Akpos replied; My house is very small. Me, my mum
and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night, my dad asks; Akpos are you sleeping? I say No and he slaps my face and
gives me a black eye.

The Teacher then said; Tonight when your dad asks
again, keep dead quiet and don't answer.

The following morning, this time Akpos comes again to school with a severe black eye.

The Teacher exclaimed; Oh my God! Akpos why the black eye again?

Akpos said; Last night my dad asked me again, Akpos are you sleeping. I didn't answer. I
just kept dead quiet.

Then my dad and my mum started moving. At the same time mum was breathing
erratically, kicking her legs up
frantically and squealing like a
hyena on the bed. Then my
dad asked my mum; Are you
coming?

My Mum said; Yes, i'm coming. Are you coming too?

My Dad answered; Yes.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so i said, wait for me, I'm also coming.

Akpos told Ofego he was going to the airport on his way to Abuja.

30 minutes later Akpos was back.

Ofego looked at him and asked what happened.

Akpos replied; When I got to that junction I saw a signboard that says;
''AIRPORT LEFT''. Is like the Airport is gone.

A beautiful young woman, on an
international flight turns to the priest Akpos
beside her and asked; Father, may I ask a
favour?
Akpos the priest said; Of course you may.
What can I do for you?
The woman said; Well, I bought this
expensive electronic hair dryer that is well
over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that
they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there
anyway that you could carry it through
Customs for me? Under your robes
perhaps?
Akpos the priest said; I would love to help
you, dear, but
I must warn you. I will not lie.
The woman said; With your honest face,
Father, no one will question you.
When they got to Customs, the young lady
let Akpos the priest go ahead of her.
The Customs Officer asked; Father, do you
have anything to declare?
Akpos said; From the top of my head down
to my waist, I have nothing to declare.
The Officer thought this answer strange, so
he asked; And what do you have to declare
from your waist to the floor?
Akpos said; I have a marvelous little
instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date,
unused.
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said; God
bless you, Father, you can go.

U're doin a beautiful job here. Keep it up bro..

maddest: U're doin a beautiful job here. Keep it up bro..

Thanks. God bless you.

The maths professor's 6 year old son Akpos knocks at the door of his father's study.

"Daddy", he says. "I need help
with a maths problem I couldn't do at school."

"Sure", the father says and
smiles. "Just tell me what's
bothering you."

Akpos then says; Well, it's a really hard problem:
There are four ducks swimming in a pond, when two more ducks come and join them. How many ducks are now swimming in the pond?

The professor stares at his son Akpos with disbelief: "You couldn't do that? All you need to know is that 4 + 2 = 6!"

Akpos replies; Do you think I'm stupid? Of course, I know that 4 + 2 = 6.
But what does this have to do
with ducks!?"

kudos boss

njuwo: Three business associates, an Igbo man, a
Yoruba man and a Chinese man, went to eat
lunch together at a restaurant in Surulere.
While in the middle of their meal, a fly came in
through the window. It flew across the table
to where the Igbo man was but he just
waved his hands to chase it away.
The fly then went to where the Yoruba man
was, he also chased it away.
Finally, the fly then went to where the Chinese
man was and was flying close to his ears. The
Chinese man looked at the fly for sometime
and then grabbed it, put it in his mouth and
swallowed it.
The other men saw this but just kept on
eating.
About Five minutes later, another fly came in
and flew to the Yoruba man who just chased
it away again.
It then flew on to the Igbo man but this time
he did not chase the fly, he looked at it for
sometime and then grabbed it. He then
turned to the Chinese man and asked "how
much you go buy am?"