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Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? - Family - Nairaland

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Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nancyij37(f): 7:17am On Oct 31, 2013
All over the world, Gender equality have become a raging issue. The agitation that women take an increased role in all spheres of life. But there is an important but usually neglected dimension to this agitation. The Family dimension.

A lot of women tend to be “all about him” in a relationship or marriage. something that the Denver based clinical psychologist, Susan Heitler, PhD, author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course calls “appendage-itis,” a situation where the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband.

Now i wonder how we are gonna achieve the much talked about gender equality when there is so much gender inequality in the family which is the nucleus of the society.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a woman should not respect his husband or be a little submissive once in awhile. My point is that some wives are too willing to give up on what they want which is a sharp contrast to the ‘all about me” attitude of men.

“Usually, many wives are afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want,” Heitler says.

The truth is that most women underestimate their worth. In their quest to make the marriage work, they give up on their dreams and things they really want. and most times, the marriage ends up breaking up anyway. This is because the feeling of hopelessness will turn to anger soon enough and eventually boils over.

Heitler went ahead to prefer a solution to this problem. And her solution is to Express your concerns about issues (be it housework, parenting duties or not having enough time for your husband or for yourself) rationally. As far as your husband loves you (which am sure he does), he will give your concerns a thought and make the necessary adjustment.

A woman  was created to be a man’s companion and support and not to be an accessory to him. A woman has the right to live her dreams, have what she wants while building a happy family with the man she loves

9 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 7:41am On Oct 31, 2013
Nancyij37:
All over the world, Gender equality have become a raging issue. The agitation that women take an increased role in all spheres of life. But there is an important but usually neglected dimension to this agitation. The Family dimension.

A lot of women tend to be “all about him” in a relationship or marriage. something that the Denver based clinical psychologist, Susan Heitler, PhD, author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course calls “appendage-itis,” a situation where the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband.

Now i wonder how we are gonna achieve the much talked about gender equality when there is so much gender inequality in the family which is the nucleus of the society.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a woman should not respect his husband or be a little submissive once in awhile. My point is that some wives are too willing to give up on what they want which is a sharp contrast to the ‘all about me” attitude of men.

“Usually, many wives are afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want,” Heitler says.

The truth is that most women underestimate their worth. In their quest to make the marriage work, they give up on their dreams and things they really want. and most times, the marriage ends up breaking up anyway. This is because the feeling of hopelessness will turn to anger soon enough and eventually boils over.

Heitler went ahead to prefer a solution to this problem. And her solution is to Express your concerns about issues (be it housework, parenting duties or not having enough time for your husband or for yourself) rationally. As far as your husband loves you (which am sure he does), he will give your concerns a thought and make the necessary adjustment.

A woman  was created to be a man’s companion and support and not to be an accessory to him. A woman has the right to live her dreams, have what she wants while building a happy family with the man she loves
part of d curse dat d woman received after d serpent deceived her is dat she'll be under d man.d man also received his own share of d curse as a result of his dissobedience.now answer,what are the vanguards of gender equality trying to achieve? A reversal of d curse placed on woman by God? Be careful,gender equality is evil.although wasnt so from begining but after d fall of Adam and Eve.@her dream,i will say dat if things are done in order of their priority, husband also ranks first among every dream and aspiration that a woman may have including her dream of becoming world president

4 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 7:55am On Oct 31, 2013
@ Poster source pls.

That aside, I agree with the content of this article. Many women, especially Nigerian women are prone to thinking that way. It's actually engrained in them to such a point where they see being submissive = being subordinate, which I daresay, is at odds with their education.

I mean, why bother educating your daughters if she'll end up being nothing better than a glorified househelp in her own home, both physically and emotionally? Yes, I know many ladies who went through tertiary education have put their education to good use - but how many of these same women have done things for themselves? I mean personal goals they've always wanted to achieve pre-marriage? Or achieving their dreams?

There's a rankling thread in this section about a man who:

~ Earned eight times more than his wife
~ Owned various property and assets, etc.

It was all about him, him, him and no mention of what his wife probably went through those 10 years of marriage without a dime to her name. Eventually the tables turned and she landed herself a well-paying job and built just one house for herself and guess what? The miffed husband sprinted off to nland soliciting 'advice' on how much he felt betrayed by his wife! Of course the teenagers and other mumpties here encouraged him to ditch her (never mind her silent suffering for 10years), she must have been having an affair with her priest (she never saw fit to do that before o! Only when she got working now, abi?)

https://www.nairaland.com/1496529/priest-aids-wife-build-without

What am I getting at here? In a society where marriage is seen as the greatest milestone and achievement in one's life (moreso if you're a female), you aren't expected to do anything for yourself, think independently for yourself or dare have dreams and aspirations, all in the name of two-becoming-one, which incidentally, always works out well for the menfolk.

If anyone dares rebutt what I've written up there, then:

For the men folk - how many of your properties are in both your names and your wife's name? Is her name on the title deed of your houses??

For the married women folk - how many of you, despite your education and careers have built a house - just one single house - in your own right? And even if you have, in whose name is it in? Yours or your husband's?

And for the married women who despite their careers and education haven't yet done that, may I ask how come? And pls don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)

23 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by yorex2011: 8:42am On Oct 31, 2013
Efemena_xy: @ Poster source pls.

That aside, I agree with the content of this article. Many women, especially Nigerian women are prone to thinking that way. It's actually engrained in them to such a point where they see being submissive = being subordinate, which I daresay, is at odds with their education.

I mean, why bother educating your daughters if she'll end up being nothing better than a glorified househelp in her own home, both physically and emotionally? Yes, I know many ladies who went through tertiary education have put their education to good use - but how many of these same women have done things for themselves? I mean personal goals they've always wanted to achieve pre-marriage? Or achieving their dreams?

There's a rankling thread in this section about a man who:

~ Earned eight times more than his wife
~ Owned various property and assets, etc.

It was all about him, him, him and no mention of what his wife probably went through those 10 years of marriage without a dime to her name. Eventually the tables turned and she landed herself a well-paying job and built just one house for herself and guess what? The miffed husband sprinted off to nland soliciting 'advice' on how much he felt betrayed by his wife! Of course the teenagers and other mumpties here encouraged him to ditch her (never mind her silent suffering for 10years), she must have been having an affair with her priest (she never saw fit to do that before o! Only when she got working now, abi?)

https://www.nairaland.com/1496529/priest-aids-wife-build-without

What am I getting at here? In a society where marriage is seen as the greatest milestone and achievement in one's life (moreso if you're a female), you aren't expected to do anything for yourself, think independently for yourself or dare have dreams and aspirations, all in the name of two-becoming-one, which incidentally, always works out well for the menfolk.

If anyone dares rebutt what I've written up there, then:

For the men folk - how many of your properties are in both your names and your wife's name? Is her name on the title deed of your houses??

For the married women folk - how many of you, despite your education and careers have built a house - just one single house - in your own right? And even if you have, in whose name is it in? Yours or your husband's?

And for the married women who despite their careers and education haven't yet done that, may I ask how come? And pls don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 8:48am On Oct 31, 2013
Nice point Efe, nothing to add.

Bravo! smiley

1 Like

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by bellong: 8:54am On Oct 31, 2013
If only adults and not children get married, all these idle talk of 'gender equality/disequality' wouldn't arise.

Why on earth will you marry someone whose dreams and visions will not dovetail into yours? Doing that is setting up your marriage to hit the rock. Marriage is making each other help-meet, hence both dreams should always find alignment.


People should always learn to take responsibility for their decisions and stop laying the blame on gender.

8 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nonso23(m): 8:55am On Oct 31, 2013
Efemena_xy: @ Poster source pls.

That aside, I agree with the content of this article. Many women, especially Nigerian women are prone to thinking that way. It's actually engrained in them to such a point where they see being submissive = being subordinate, which I daresay, is at odds with their education.

I mean, why bother educating your daughters if she'll end up being nothing better than a glorified househelp in her own home, both physically and emotionally? Yes, I know many ladies who went through tertiary education have put their education to good use - but how many of these same women have done things for themselves? I mean personal goals they've always wanted to achieve pre-marriage? Or achieving their dreams?

There's a rankling thread in this section about a man who:

~ Earned eight times more than his wife
~ Owned various property and assets, etc.

It was all about him, him, him and no mention of what his wife probably went through those 10 years of marriage without a dime to her name. Eventually the tables turned and she landed herself a well-paying job and built just one house for herself and guess what? The miffed husband sprinted off to nland soliciting 'advice' on how much he felt betrayed by his wife! Of course the teenagers and other mumpties here encouraged him to ditch her (never mind her silent suffering for 10years), she must have been having an affair with her priest (she never saw fit to do that before o! Only when she got working now, abi?)

https://www.nairaland.com/1496529/priest-aids-wife-build-without

What am I getting at here? In a society where marriage is seen as the greatest milestone and achievement in one's life (moreso if you're a female), you aren't expected to do anything for yourself, think independently for yourself or dare have dreams and aspirations, all in the name of two-becoming-one, which incidentally, always works out well for the menfolk.

If anyone dares rebutt what I've written up there, then:

For the men folk - how many of your properties are in both your names and your wife's name? Is her name on the title deed of your houses??

For the married women folk - how many of you, despite your education and careers have built a house - just one single house - in your own right? And even if you have, in whose name is it in? Yours or your husband's?

And for the married women who despite their careers and education haven't yet done that, may I ask how come? And pls don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)
I agree with most parts of your argument but the bolded
Should the last name a child bears determine if a mother should care for it or not I mean, are children now downgraded to the level which properties and assets belong due to extreme feminists' propositions? What happened to motherly love? Or is that another value that extreme feminism considers a weakness?

2 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by EfemenaXY: 9:23am On Oct 31, 2013
Nonso23:
I agree with most parts of your argument but the bolded
Should the last name a child bears determine if a mother should care for it or not I mean, are children now downgraded to the level which properties and assets belong due to extreme feminists' propositions? What happened to motherly love? Or is that another value that extreme feminism considers a weakness?

Pls don't try taking the cheap and tacky route of sidelining the important issues I've raised here by bringing feminism into this!

My reference the children here is simply that women shouldn't use their kids as an excuse for underachieving or selling themselves short of their aspired dreams and goals in life! The fact that the kids take on their father's surname simply buttresses the point I'm making that it's a man's world! And yet despite that, the woman dare not do anything for herself. Many so-called housewives are infact intelligent graduates but have been forced to give up their careers and stay at home looking after their kids, all on the man's say-so.

Why should the woman be the one to give up her career? Yet, even if she does manage to stick to her guns and continues working, she's forced to 'contribute' to the family purse to the extent she hasn't got anything left for herself, while the man on the other hand, acquires numerous properties like our brother in the aformentioned thread boasting about earning 8 times his wife! Na competition??

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian women live subdued lives guised as submissiveness in marriage, while the man uses her as an appendage or extra limb to reach for the stars.

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian men see it as a slight on their ego for a wife to own property in her name, much less building one from scratch.

I dare you to prove me wrong!

11 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by chymystique(f): 9:32am On Oct 31, 2013
That's one of d things u need to discuss with ur spouse before marriage.. The most annoyin thing about this issue is that most men might agree that u can pursue ur dreams buh wen u u both bcom legally married he tends to change his mind.. For example; A lady Studied Engineering and wanted to bcome a professional in et and d hubby asked d lady to quit her job, suggestin d woman shld go into Rental business. His reason was that he wants d wife to ve time for thr kids and look after d home.


Well, For now I cnt tell cos am nt married yet buh I dnt fink I can sacrifice my dream for my marriage esp wen ai knw et aint gonna affect me lookin after my home..

Some Men can b very selfish tho..

7 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by xynerise(m): 9:39am On Oct 31, 2013
This question always comes up when the woman's dream is controversial. Sometimes, a woman tends to value her career more than her family. No man would want his wife to compromise her career unless it will negatively affect the marriage/family.
A woman whose career job allows her to come home late at night always have problems in her home.

2 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by chymystique(f): 9:53am On Oct 31, 2013
xynerise:
A woman whose career job allows her to come home late at night always have problems in her home.


U r right sha buh if their children are adults and the hubby supports her et won't b a prob.
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by xynerise(m): 9:59am On Oct 31, 2013
chymystique:


U r right sha buh if d kids are adults and the hubby supports her et won't b a prob.
Why would an old man suspect an old woman of cheating? grin if her children are adults, then the family has been planned already.

This is only a problem to a growing family
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 10:09am On Oct 31, 2013
@OP, I completely agree with you, except the bold part below

Nancyij37:


Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a woman should not respect her husband or be a little submissive once in awhile.

I'm not sure submission is the right word to use in the context above.



Submission according to the English dictionary means;
sub·mis·sion - /səbˈmiSHən/
Noun:
1. The action or fact of accepting or yielding to a
superior force or to the will or authority of another
person
2. An act of surrendering to a hold by one's opponent

The bible (permit me to quote it) also states;
Colossians 3:18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord.

When it comes to our relationship with GOD, we submit to HIM, yet we still have a say.
Matthew 7:7 - Ask, and it shall be given you;...
Proverbs 10:24 -...but the desire of the righteous shall be granted.

Our total submission to GOD can never harm us rather by HIM, we are replenished!
1 Timothy 4:8 ...but godliness is profitable unto all things...
By relativity, this is applicable to the marriage institution.

This brings me to Heitler's solution of communication. If we want GOD to do something for us, we communicate to HIM through prayer & get answers. So can you get something from your husband without proper communicate? Communication is about the only way to get what we need.

Nancyij37:
Heitler went ahead to prefer a solution to this problem. And her solution is to Express your concerns about issues (be it housework, parenting duties or not having enough time for your husband or for yourself) rationally. As far as your husband loves you (which am sure he does), he will give your concerns a thought and make the necessary adjustment.

Note that there is also a wrong way to communicate with GOD and by relativity a wrong way to communicate with one's husband.
James 4:3 - Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume [it] upon your lusts.

1 Like

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nonso23(m): 10:17am On Oct 31, 2013
Efemena_xy:

Pls don't try taking the cheap and tacky route of sidelining the important issues I've raised here by bringing feminism into this!

My reference the children here is simply that women shouldn't use their kids as an excuse for underachieving or selling themselves short of their aspired dreams and goals in life! The fact that the kids take on their father's surname simply buttresses the point I'm making that it's a man's world! And yet despite that, the woman dare not do anything for herself. Many so-called housewives are infact intelligent graduates but have been forced to give up their careers and stay at home looking after their kids, all on the man's say-so.

Why should the woman be the one to give up her career? Yet, even if she does manage to stick to her guns and continues working, she's forced to 'contribute' to the family purse to the extent she hasn't got anything left for herself, while the man on the other hand, acquires numerous properties like our brother in the aformentioned thread boasting about earning 8 times his wife! Na competition??

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian women live subdued lives guised as submissiveness in marriage, while the man uses her as an appendage or extra limb to reach for the stars.

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian men see it as a slight on their ego for a wife to own property in her name, much less building one from scratch.

I dare you to prove me wrong!
lol at taking a cheap and tacky route. My first sentence clearly stated that i agreed with the idea behind your argument. My grouse was only with your last sentence which seemed to place the kids in a very complicated position due to a decision they had no business in the making.
I'm not against feminism but extreme feminist principles does not go down well with me.(notice my emphasis on 'extreme' )
That said I will like to add this: the roles of both sexes in marriage is best described as a chaos theory. The more external influences are allowed to make the cut for the formula formation the higher the tendency for things to spin out of control at the slightest deviation from the establishes norm. And this 'norm' should be carefully decided by the intending couple before jumping the broom. In summary these decisions on who should be the breadwinner, who should look after the kids, who should do the chores etc etc should be made before tying the knot so as not to have conflicting interests as the union progresses.
It is also imperative that i state this: if both the husband and wife decide that chasing ambitions is their goal then they have no business raising kids because the 'net worth' rivalry no matter how healthy most often will lead to neglect of the basic attention and emotional issues required for the healthy development of the child.
No army can fight on two fronts.

2 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by temi4fash(m): 10:24am On Oct 31, 2013
D bottom line in is dat most pple dont get married who believes in their dreams... Or whos dreams does not fit into deirs.

I av seen men whose wifes are very fulfilled in dere career ..but when d kids are still growing up. It always very gud to put close tabs on them. Cos in d end it might lead to frustration if dai dont turn out gud. Cos weda we lik it or not how a home is gonna turn out weda gud or bad is over 70% dependent on d wife. Dat d better truth cos d bible even says so too..

Efe abt dat thread.. D man did not av issues with his wife 4 buying a house he only has issues with d fact dat she didnt let him know.. Dat she did it witout his consent.
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Dygeasy(m): 10:29am On Oct 31, 2013
Efemena_xy: @ Poster source pls.

That aside, I agree with the content of this article. Many women, especially Nigerian women are prone to thinking that way. It's actually engrained in them to such a point where they see being submissive = being subordinate, which I daresay, is at odds with their education.

I mean, why bother educating your daughters if she'll end up being nothing better than a glorified househelp in her own home, both physically and emotionally? Yes, I know many ladies who went through tertiary education have put their education to good use - but how many of these same women have done things for themselves? I mean personal goals they've always wanted to achieve pre-marriage? Or achieving their dreams?

There's a rankling thread in this section about a man who:

~ Earned eight times more than his wife
~ Owned various property and assets, etc.

It was all about him, him, him and no mention of what his wife probably went through those 10 years of marriage without a dime to her name. Eventually the tables turned and she landed herself a well-paying job and built just one house for herself and guess what? The miffed husband sprinted off to nland soliciting 'advice' on how much he felt betrayed by his wife! Of course the teenagers and other mumpties here encouraged him to ditch her (never mind her silent suffering for 10years), she must have been having an affair with her priest (she never saw fit to do that before o! Only when she got working now, abi?)

https://www.nairaland.com/1496529/priest-aids-wife-build-without

What am I getting at here? In a society where marriage is seen as the greatest milestone and achievement in one's life (moreso if you're a female), you aren't expected to do anything for yourself, think independently for yourself or dare have dreams and aspirations, all in the name of two-becoming-one, which incidentally, always works out well for the menfolk.

If anyone dares rebutt what I've written up there, then:

For the men folk - how many of your properties are in both your names and your wife's name? Is her name on the title deed of your houses??

For the married women folk - how many of you, despite your education and careers have built a house - just one single house - in your own right? And even if you have, in whose name is it in? Yours or your husband's?

And for the married women who despite their careers and education haven't yet done that, may I ask how come? And pls don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)
Nuff Said!
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Dygeasy(m): 10:30am On Oct 31, 2013
chymystique:


U r right sha buh if d kids are adults and the hubby supports her et won't b a prob.
A Pregnant Woman Gives Birth To A Young Child Not An Adult, Right?
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by yorex2011: 10:31am On Oct 31, 2013
chymystique: That's one of d things u need to discuss with ur spouse before marriage.. The most annoyin thing about this issue is that most men might agree that u can pursue ur dreams buh wen u u both bcom legally married he tends to change his mind.. For example; A lady Studied Engineering and wanted to bcome a professional in et and d hubby asked d lady to quit her job, suggestin d woman shld go into Rental business. His reason was that he wants d wife to ve time for thr kids and look after d home.


Well, For now I cnt tell cos am nt married yet buh I dnt fink I can sacrifice my dream for my marriage esp wen ai knw et aint gonna affect me lookin after my home..

Some Men can b very selfish tho..

i agree these things need to be discussed by both parties...i'm yet to understand what y'all mean when u say "living dreams"....the lady who wanted to be a practising engineer knwing it would take soo much of her time can talk to the husband about it...they cud come to a reasonable conclusion...e.g she cud be a lecturer and maybe after a few yrs when the kids are more mature cud then decide to move to being a consultant...what am just saying is dat no matter hw u look at it... its nature...there is a reason why men cannot breastfeed and men are generally physically stronger than women...
but if a woman can "live her dreams" while having enuf time for the family...then why not!!!!

1 Like 1 Share

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 10:37am On Oct 31, 2013
Feminism is about choice. It is about being able to say " I want to be the CEO of a company by the time I'm at a certain age and not have anybody judge you/ criticise you / tell you to lower your aspirations because you are just a woman and your family needs you and blah blah. It is also about being able to say I want to dedicate my life to raising my kids and nurturing my husband and still no one can criticize your choices because this is what gives you personal fulfillment. A working mother/ a career woman does not automatically equal a feminist.
what am I trying to say? A woman can sacrifice her dreams and etc for her marriage/family, but the important thing is for it to be her choice. Not imposed upon her by her family/society/peer pressure and all those other negative influence that automatically assigns certain roles to people based on gender.

10 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by MissFrankie(f): 10:54am On Oct 31, 2013
My greatest fear in life is getting married to sum1 who will kill my dreams, dats why I've made it an important point to share my dreams and idea with my partner.
I broke up with my ex cos he tinks I dream too much. Sometimes he calls me Joseph the king of dreams. Left for him all he ever wnted wz his bank job.

1 Like

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by chymystique(f): 11:01am On Oct 31, 2013
Miss Frankie: My greatest fear in life is getting married to sum1 who will kill my dreams, dats why I've made it an important point to share my dreams and idea with my partner.

Veri Important cool
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Kanwulia: 11:02am On Oct 31, 2013
Life is full of choices!
She is free to take hers.
NOT MY CONCERN. . .I have made mine and sooooooooooooo HAPPY WITH THEM! cool

I don't worry about OTHER WOMEN OR PEOPLE and how they choose to live or NOT LIVE their lives. I only worry about MYSELF! kiss
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by chymystique(f): 11:04am On Oct 31, 2013
Dygeasy: A Pregnant Woman Gives Birth To A Young Child Not An Adult, Right?


Lol.. Left
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by bukatyne(f): 12:18pm On Oct 31, 2013
Nancyij37:
All over the world, Gender equality have become a raging issue. The agitation that women take an increased role in all spheres of life. But there is an important but usually neglected dimension to this agitation. The Family dimension.

A lot of women tend to be “all about him” in a relationship or marriage. something that the Denver based clinical psychologist, Susan Heitler, PhD, author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course calls “appendage-itis,” a situation where the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband.

Now i wonder how we are gonna achieve the much talked about gender equality when there is so much gender inequality in the family which is the nucleus of the society.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a woman should not respect his husband or be a little submissive once in awhile. My point is that some wives are too willing to give up on what they want which is a sharp contrast to the ‘all about me” attitude of men.

“Usually, many wives are afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want,” Heitler says.

The truth is that most women underestimate their worth. In their quest to make the marriage work, they give up on their dreams and things they really want. and most times, the marriage ends up breaking up anyway. This is because the feeling of hopelessness will turn to anger soon enough and eventually boils over.

Heitler went ahead to prefer a solution to this problem. And her solution is to Express your concerns about issues (be it housework, parenting duties or not having enough time for your husband or for yourself) rationally. As far as your husband loves you (which am sure he does), he will give your concerns a thought and make the necessary adjustment.

A woman  was created to be a man’s companion and support and not to be an accessory to him. A woman has the right to live her dreams, have what she wants while building a happy family with the man she loves

Efemena_xy: @ Poster source pls.

That aside, I agree with the content of this article. Many women, especially Nigerian women are prone to thinking that way. It's actually engrained in them to such a point where they see being submissive = being subordinate, which I daresay, is at odds with their education.

I mean, why bother educating your daughters if she'll end up being nothing better than a glorified househelp in her own home, both physically and emotionally? Yes, I know many ladies who went through tertiary education have put their education to good use - but how many of these same women have done things for themselves? I mean personal goals they've always wanted to achieve pre-marriage? Or achieving their dreams?

There's a rankling thread in this section about a man who:

~ Earned eight times more than his wife
~ Owned various property and assets, etc.

It was all about him, him, him and no mention of what his wife probably went through those 10 years of marriage without a dime to her name. Eventually the tables turned and she landed herself a well-paying job and built just one house for herself and guess what? The miffed husband sprinted off to nland soliciting 'advice' on how much he felt betrayed by his wife! Of course the teenagers and other mumpties here encouraged him to ditch her (never mind her silent suffering for 10years), she must have been having an affair with her priest (she never saw fit to do that before o! Only when she got working now, abi?)

https://www.nairaland.com/1496529/priest-aids-wife-build-without

What am I getting at here? In a society where marriage is seen as the greatest milestone and achievement in one's life (moreso if you're a female), you aren't expected to do anything for yourself, think independently for yourself or dare have dreams and aspirations, all in the name of two-becoming-one, which incidentally, always works out well for the menfolk.

If anyone dares rebutt what I've written up there, then:

For the men folk - how many of your properties are in both your names and your wife's name? Is her name on the title deed of your houses??

For the married women folk - how many of you, despite your education and careers have built a house - just one single house - in your own right? And even if you have, in whose name is it in? Yours or your husband's?

And for the married women who despite their careers and education haven't yet done that, may I ask how come? And pls don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)

Standing Ovation.... smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley smiley

In addition, a lot of women do not have dreams so don't blame their poor husbands for their lack of achievement...

Interview 1000 female graduates/ undergraduates on what they want to be/their dreams and you will weep. cry cry cry cry cry

Some of them are a waste to their generation embarassed angry

Like Fashola said, women should stop saying 'men do NOT allow them to do a, b, c..., they should instead say... I want to do a, b, c who will stop me?'

6 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 1:15pm On Oct 31, 2013
Efemena_xy:

Pls don't try taking the cheap and tacky route of sidelining the important issues I've raised here by bringing feminism into this!

My reference the children here is simply that women shouldn't use their kids as an excuse for underachieving or selling themselves short of their aspired dreams and goals in life! The fact that the kids take on their father's surname simply buttresses the point I'm making that it's a man's world! And yet despite that, the woman dare not do anything for herself. Many so-called housewives are infact intelligent graduates but have been forced to give up their careers and stay at home looking after their kids, all on the man's say-so.

Why should the woman be the one to give up her career? Yet, even if she does manage to stick to her guns and continues working, she's forced to 'contribute' to the family purse to the extent she hasn't got anything left for herself, while the man on the other hand, acquires numerous properties like our brother in the aformentioned thread boasting about earning 8 times his wife! Na competition??

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian women live subdued lives guised as submissiveness in marriage, while the man uses her as an appendage or extra limb to reach for the stars.

Fact: Majority of married Nigerian men see it as a slight on their ego for a wife to own property in her name, much less building one from scratch.

I dare you to prove me wrong!

One problem I have with us Nigerians is that we never blame ourselves. We blame God, society, etc but never look inwards. You write as if Nigerian women have no brains and cannot take decisions for herself and just forced into slavery called marriage. Please, if you are in slavery, it is first and foremost your fault. You are responsible for your decisions and you have to blame yourself. My own sister is a gynaecologist and she plans to start her own IVF clinic soon, my wife is a practicing lawyer living her life to the full. If you are not living your dreams, please look into the mirror and you will find where the fault is. Lets stop blaming society etc, women have a choice, they have brains, they go to school like the boys and apply for jobs like the guys, so there is no reason why women should not achieve their dreams unless of cause they have none.

Now you raise the issue of a man having several houses and was upset his wife had only one. Very unfair of you as those of us that read the thread know that he was angry because his wife built a house without his knowledge. That is wrong 100 times over and everytime. I would not build a house without telling my wife neither would I expect that from my wife. It just makes no sense at all everytime one reads it.

Lastly, I believe our women have a long way to go in helping themselves. While I have lots of female friends who are doing very well in their chosen professions and achieving their dreams, alot of Nigerian women would rather marry a "rich guy" as a means of achieving wealth and possibly fame and their dreams. Unfortunately, they soon find out that not all that glitters is gold. Rather than work hard and see themselves as positive contibutors, they take the short cut and try to use a man to meet their needs. Our orientation needs to change, both men and women.

14 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 1:24pm On Oct 31, 2013
^^^^^^^^^
@Nashville, Very very very well said Sir.

@Efe, your initial post was suggesting something totally wrong, & your reference to the other thread was based on a wrong conception too.

Editted:
My late Mom (may her soul rest in peace) was working & doing very well for herself. She lived her life to the fullest.
My Dad used to boast of a particular building he built for her and in her name because he loved her so much.

This is all about choice & communication with your spouse. Like bukatyne said earlier, many of these women never even had dreams in the first place. undecided

I was listening to the radio some time ago, though I can't remember the topic. Anyway, a man called to say that he is a doctor & his wife is an engineer who recently put to bed with their child. She works in an oil company & gets paid well. She had to resume work after her maternity leave & the man (her husband) volunteered to stay home to take care of their kids (more than one) since his job was more flexible. He said he had learnt everything from changing diaper to preparing baby food. I heard this live story here in Nigeria. Who says a woman has to be the one to sacrifice her career?

So it all boils down to proper communication between spouses.

3 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 2:12pm On Oct 31, 2013
Ok let me use this medium to state to y'all ladies, the lady that will finally emerge the position of my wife must posess the following criterial.
1. You must be a graduate with a first class or managably 2.1 in the following field of study;
Engineering
Law
Accountancy
Pilot

2. Must possess NYSC dicharge certificate.
3. Must be fluent in English n her native dialet.
4. Must be Fertile (if u have done abortion don't bother coming)
5. Must have good communication skills on Bed and on speech.
6. Must be able to work with or without supervision.

If u qualify for this career lunching relationship,
Send your CV to PM. Thank you swiry in advance.

1 Like

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by nairaman66(m): 2:15pm On Oct 31, 2013
A woman should pursue her dreams during marriage. Unless she is prepared for the inevitable grin
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Nobody: 2:15pm On Oct 31, 2013
N0! Men are unpredictable.... what if dey get divorced? she will be stranded and it will be too late to build up her career again
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by everyday: 2:15pm On Oct 31, 2013
Yes,she should for the sake of the future of the family
Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by yuzedo: 2:16pm On Oct 31, 2013
Wellllll, why sacrificed it if her dreams is to marry great Cheif Sweetus d amuneke-uto 1 of Banana iceland?? wink tenk. cool

5 Likes

Re: Should A Woman Sacrifice Her Dreams For Her Marriage? by Fhemmmy: 2:16pm On Oct 31, 2013
In a relationship, i ave come to realize that one or both will have to re-align his or her dream once they are married, sucks but there is really no way out, cos some of the dreams are with no one else in the pix and now that we are involved, things are bound to change, but it is important for both involved to look for ways to help the other get close to the dream.

1 Like

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