bukatyne:

With the modifications, your post just made sense.

This is exactly what the OP is about; in a family, everyone should be able to sacrifice and NOT just the wife...

The wife is an individual b/4 been a wife and mother...

Well, not everyone has dreams...

The OP specifically referred to women; besides, if my dream is to have a happy home (as a woman/wife/mother) as against a successful career, does that make me any less an individual?

Nashville:

One problem I have with us Nigerians is that we never blame ourselves. We blame God, society, etc but never look inwards. You write as if Nigerian women have no brains and cannot take decisions for herself and just forced into slavery called marriage. Please, if you are in slavery, it is first and foremost your fault. You are responsible for your decisions and you have to blame yourself. My own sister is a gynaecologist and she plans to start her own IVF clinic soon, my wife is a practicing lawyer living her life to the full. If you are not living your dreams, please look into the mirror and you will find where the fault is. Lets stop blaming society etc, women have a choice, they have brains, they go to school like the boys and apply for jobs like the guys, so there is no reason why women should not achieve their dreams unless of cause they have none.

Now you raise the issue of a man having several houses and was upset his wife had only one. Very unfair of you as those of us that read the thread know that he was angry because his wife built a house without his knowledge. That is wrong 100 times over and everytime. I would not build a house without telling my wife neither would I expect that from my wife. It just makes no sense at all everytime one reads it.

Lastly, I believe our women have a long way to go in helping themselves. While I have lots of female friends who are doing very well in their chosen professions and achieving their dreams, alot of Nigerian women would rather marry a "rich guy" as a means of achieving wealth and possibly fame and their dreams. Unfortunately, they soon find out that not all that glitters is gold. Rather than work hard and see themselves as positive contibutors, they take the short cut and try to use a man to meet their needs. Our orientation needs to change, both men and women.

on point

Nancyij37:
All over the world, Gender equality have become a raging issue. The agitation that women take an increased role in all spheres of life. But there is an important but usually neglected dimension to this agitation. The Family dimension.

A lot of women tend to be “all about him” in a relationship or marriage. something that the Denver based clinical psychologist, Susan Heitler, PhD, author of Power of Two, a marriage skills-building course calls “appendage-itis,” a situation where the wife is basically being an accessory to the husband.

Now i wonder how we are gonna achieve the much talked about gender equality when there is so much gender inequality in the family which is the nucleus of the society.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that a woman should not respect his husband or be a little submissive once in awhile. My point is that some wives are too willing to give up on what they want which is a sharp contrast to the ‘all about me” attitude of men.

“Usually, many wives are afraid it could make a fight or some unpleasantness, or they just think somehow, on a subconscious level, in order to preserve the relationship, they have to diminish what they themselves want,” Heitler says.

The truth is that most women underestimate their worth. In their quest to make the marriage work, they give up on their dreams and things they really want. and most times, the marriage ends up breaking up anyway. This is because the feeling of hopelessness will turn to anger soon enough and eventually boils over.

Heitler went ahead to prefer a solution to this problem. And her solution is to Express your concerns about issues (be it housework, parenting duties or not having enough time for your husband or for yourself) rationally. As far as your husband loves you (which am sure he does), he will give your concerns a thought and make the necessary adjustment.

A woman  was created to be a man’s companion and support and not to be an accessory to him. A woman has the right to live her dreams, have what she wants while building a happy family with the man she loves

That is a very good post. I (as a married Nigerian man) really dislike the way women are treated in African culture and our in our version of the various religions.
That said, I think the feminist are also not being realistic/sincere in their demands for 'equality'. Here are some facts

No human is inferior to another, fact!

Ever family have to make sacrifices for the sake of their family especially growing up children, fact!

God/Nature is wiser than us all, fact!

Women are the ones to carry, deliver and are the best to provide care for a child, fact!

Combining stressful careers with pregnancy, childbearing, childcare is simply unfair on the woman, fact!

A woman's career is bound to be affected by childbearing especially early on, so it is only wise for her to relax a little during this period and let the man take care of her. It is division of labour.

Life is all about sacrifices. You are this good because your parents made sacrifices (Housemaids are not that good). As we grow older and make more money, we realise that family is the most important thing in life.

In life, you often have to choose between your right and harmony. Harmonious relationships are a product of sacrifices. Why will a woman build a house in a harmonious relationship if she doesn’t have 'in case of separation' in her mind? Shouldn't such project be done jointly?

To the men I will say; ego is a sign of immaturity, it should be sacrifice for harmony.

Marthakings: N0! Men are unpredictable.... what if dey get divorced? she will be stranded and it will be too late to build up her career again

and women are predictable right?

talk2davoo: part of d curse dat d woman received after d serpent deceived her is dat she'll be under d man.d man also received his own share of d curse as a result of his dissobedience.now answer,what are the vanguards of gender equality trying to achieve? A reversal of d curse placed on woman by God? Be careful,gender equality is evil.although wasnt so from begining but after d fall of Adam and Eve.@her dream,i will say dat if things are done in order of their priority, husband also ranks first among every dream and aspiration that a woman may have including her dream of becoming world president

Why would anyone want to be under a curse, can you hear yourself?
So initially it means God created us as partners. And God didn't see anything wrong in that until they sinned.
Why do you want to remain in a curse?
You well so?
You think Jesus came for nothing?
No be to remove curses from your life?
There is therefore now no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus.
If you wanna remain in a curse, dey there, no drag us inside am.

Bludeville: Feminism is about choice. It is about being able to say " I want to be the CEO of a company by the time I'm at a certain age and not have anybody judge you/ criticise you / tell you to lower your aspirations because you are just a woman and your family needs you and blah blah. It is also about being able to say I want to dedicate my life to raising my kids and nurturing my husband and still no one can criticize your choices because this is what gives you personal fulfillment. A working mother/ a career woman does not automatically equal a feminist.
what am I trying to say? A woman can sacrifice her dreams and etc for her marriage/family, but the important thing is for it to be her choice. Not imposed upon her by her family/society/peer pressure and all those other negative influence that automatically assigns certain roles to people based on gender.

So if am your husband and am telling you something and you ain't listening, then I would begin to wonder what kind of wife did I marry who wouldn't listen to me?

Miss Frankie: My greatest fear in life is getting married to sum1 who will kill my dreams, dats why I've made it an important point to share my dreams and idea with my partner.
I broke up with my ex cos he tinks I dream too much. Sometimes he calls me Joseph the king of dreams. Left for him all he ever wnted wz his bank job.

you dont need to fear....Am here.

i dont clip wings

if the woman wants to pursue her career then there is no problem. As long as she doesnt bring shame to the family.

two heads are better than one joor,

dudet:

The OP specifically referred to women; besides, if my dream is to have a happy home (as a woman/wife/mother) as against a successful career, does that make me any less an individual?

it does!

[size=18pt]No.[/size]

@ Op
I think it depends on individual because as for me my greatest vow on wedding day is this.
"If my wife fails to achieve her dreams in life, God ask ME for it"

loswhite: Js advice women not to get married so that they can build their own house and they don't have to answer to anybody. They can also pay a boy to sleep with them so that they can get give birth to a child dat can answer their maiden name. Dreams accomplished

you are NOT very bright, are you?

Yes. Marriage is the best thing for woman, it is her only dream. So she's not sacrificing any dream, since she has already accomplished her only and unique dream: getting married

dudet:

The OP specifically referred to women; besides, if my dream is to have a happy home (as a woman/wife/mother) as against a successful career, does that make me any less an individual?

Sorry, in my books, it does!

You think God wasted His time and resources to create you to just have a happy home?

I guess men do not want happy homes right?

Is there no desire for you to even improve your world and excel at something?

Why is your dream not to be the best daughter?

You are first an individual before a daughter, wife or mother!

Like I said, most women have no dream/vision

dudet:

The OP specifically referred to women; besides, if my dream is to have a happy home (as a woman/wife/mother) as against a successful career, does that make me any less an individual?

I don't know why they are ganging you up? at least you know what you want. Good luck. I'm sure you will have a happy home and beautiful kids .
And nope it doesn't

Okija_juju:

Look at what you women are here advocating. Chasing your dreams. To benefit whom?! Yourselves! So that you can make money and be equal to your husbands financially abi?

Well, that is part of it. You have to make yourself happy before you can do the same for anyone. Women [and anyone in general] should follow their dreams so they we can be happy, live productive lives, and make contributions to the economy & public resources. A woman should never give up her dreams for a man. If you're already married and children are involved, then you do have to make some compromises. This's why it's key to discuss roles and expectations before marriage. I'm never an advocate for people leaping into marriage, especially when both parties aren't on the same page or there're issues they haven't discussed; issues they somehow think will solve themselves. It's also critical to understand the power dynamics in the relationship, especially before marriage and whether you're both fine with it.

And there's nothing wrong with a woman making money and being equal to her husband financially, once they're married. Why should that be a problem? Only an insecure man would be threatened by his wife making more than him. If her career allows her to be equal or to even make more than her husband, then kudos to her. It's a whole 'nother can of worms if she's boastful about it or uses it to be condescending to the man, but many women do not have that mentality or attitude =p. Anyone with that kinda attitude has no business being marriage because that's abusive and that's not how you treat another human being.

There're women out there who decide to be homemakers and that's their cup of tea. It's not something I would want for myself (nope), but everyone's different.

Bpriest: I don't know why they are ganging you up? at least you know what you want. Good luck. I'm sure you will have a happy home and beautiful kids .
And nope it doesn't

You know the funny thing,

if your daughter you trained through law school or medical school comes to tell you this, you will slap her

Keep deceiving her and don't tell her the truth!

I am sure you will like all your daughters not to amount to anything in life because 'she wants to have a happy home!'

bukatyne:

Sorry, in my books, it does!

You think God wasted His time and resources to create you to just have a happy home?

I guess men do not want happy homes right?

Is there no desire for you to even improve your world and excel at something?

Why is your dream not to be the best daughter?

You are first an individual before a daughter, wife or mother!

Like I said, most women have no dream/vision

dont mention God's name like you know his will or plan for evrybody...
men want happy homes thats why they toil and work hard so that they can provide for the family..
who told you she cant improve her world or excel at something....you dont need to have a career to improve the world or excel at something

yorex2011:

dont mention God's name like you know his will or plan for evrybody...
men want happy homes thats why they toil and work hard so that they can provide for the family..
who told you she cant improve her world or excel at something....you dont need to have a career to improve the world or excel at something

His plan for everyone is to impart their world!

Read up the Virtuous wife/woman in Proverbs 31: 10 - 31 if you are a Christian!

Right you do not need a career to improve your world or excel at something!

I can decide to preach from campus to campus; I can decide to always keep my street clean; I can decide to offer free lessons to my neighbours' kids;

No matter what it is, please do something with your life!

It's like a girl saying my dream is 'to be the best daughter in the world'

bukatyne:

You know the funny thing,

if your daughter you trained through law school or medical school comes to tell you this, you will slap her

Keep deceiving her and don't tell her the truth!

I am sure you will like all your daughters not to amount to anything in life because 'she wants to have a happy home!'

which part you don't get in : her dream is to have a happy home? Na wa oo is she forced to have the same dreams and aspirations as you ? Free her Abeg

bukatyne:

you are NOT very bright, are you?

i should be d one asking dat. Do u have two president in a country? Do u have 2 CEO in business organization? If your answer is no,then y do u want that in your family? What is the essence of marriage if in the end I will build my own house and u will build ur own house. The person I quoted earlier went as far as making this statement " And pls
don't come at me with the same old story of having to look after
the kids (who afterall, don't bear your maiden names! but your husbands' names!)". Obviously if you are bright, and frm a responsible family,u won't be in support of this kind of thinking.
In my opinion the man is the head of the family but being the head doesn't mean u abuse ur powers. Respect is given to whom it is due. Women respect ur husband as d head of d family and with proper communication u can achieve ur dreams.

Bpriest: which part you don't get in : her dream is to have a happy home? Na wa oo is she forced to have the same dreams and aspirations as you ? Free her Abeg

To have a 'happy' home is not a dream bros!
Don't quote me if you don't understand English!

^ because you are the one who determines what is a dream and what's not a dream right?

I am quite a feminist in the sense that a woman should have a voice in the family, community and society as a whole but when it comes to the FAMILY I have a different approach. I have read some women complain about giving up on those "dreams" ie career.
I have got a career in which I'm doing extremely well and I've got more room for growth but notwithstanding my "dream" is to raise my FAMILY. MY husband doesn't mind my job but when we do have kids I'm going to leave work and dedicate my time to my kids until they are grown. That's my decision not his. He doesn't agree with me and thinks I should work but I told him I would love to work a part time job or work for him as long as the job permits me to pick my kids after school, cook for them, do home works , play together and have dinner together as a family my husband inclusive. No job or carrier title will ever fill the emptiness you WILL have when you get old. All the material things will come and go but if you as a WOMAN succeed in creating ang growing a PEACEFUL LOVING FAMILY believe me you will live a fulfilling and rewarding life.
That's just my opinion.
If on the other hand your dream is to own your career, house, cars...in other words material things...I hope they give you enough warmth when you get old.
Women are wise and are actually wiser than Men if we could only learn to use our knowledge in the right way. Your man is the HEAD of the family but you are the NECK. The head will always depend on the NECK. it doesn't matter if your husband owns five houses after all what is his is yours if you are legally and happily married. If you play your roles as wise wives and women you will have everything you have ever dreamed. Family and career together.

Bpriest: Yes. Marriage is the best thing for woman, it is her only dream. So she's not sacrificing any dream, since she has already accomplished her only and unique dream: getting married

Hmm, this doesn't sound right on so many levels.
But, you are a man so I can't blame you for not understanding that we (the female gender) want more than just to be s*x/baby machines...
Getting married/child bearing should never be taken as the end point for the female gender.

Lerrie John: I am quite a feminist in the sense that a woman should have a voice in the family, community and society as a whole but when it comes to the FAMILY I have a different approach. I have read some women complain about giving up on those "dreams" ie career.
I have got a career in which I'm doing extremely well and I've got more room for growth but notwithstanding my "dream" is to raise my FAMILY. MY husband doesn't mind my job but when we do have kids I'm going to leave work and dedicate my time to my kids until they are grown. That's my decision not his. He doesn't agree with me and thinks I should work but I told him I would love to work a part time job or work for him as long as the job permits me to pick my kids after school, cook for them, do home works , play together and have dinner together as a family my husband inclusive. No job or carrier title will ever fill the emptiness you WILL have when you get old. All the material things will come and go but if you as a WOMAN succeed in creating ang growing a PEACEFUL LOVING FAMILY believe me you will live a fulfilling and rewarding life.
That's just my opinion.
If on the other hand your dream is to own your career, house, cars...in other words material things...I hope they give you enough warmth when you get old.
Women are wise and are actually wiser than Men if we could only learn to use our knowledge in the right way. Your man is the HEAD of the family but you are the NECK. The head will always depend on the NECK. it doesn't matter if your husband owns five houses after all what is his is yours if you are legally and happily married. If you play your roles as wise wives and women you will have everything you have ever dreamed. Family and career together.

Living a rewarding and fulfilling life entails a person to be well rounded.

It is not the duty of the woman but the couple to make their home peaceful and loving.

theLORDreigns:

Hmm, this doesn't sound right on so many levels.
But, you are a man so I can't blame you for not understanding that we (the female gender) want more than just to be s*x/baby machines...
Getting married/child bearing should never be taken as the end point for the female gender.

My dear, that is a lot of women's dreams...

My only problem will be when they deceive an innocent woman with so much dreams and after marriage they begin to block her!

If they can make their stance known before marriage and the wife to be agrees, then that is their headache!

bukatyne:

Living a rewarding and fulfilling life entails a person to be well rounded.

It is not the duty of the woman but the couple to make their home peaceful and loving.

I agree with you. Took that for granted in my expression as the main subject of discussion were "women" not men. It all depends on the couple. But what and how much a woman achieves depends on her.

Interesting post. i see respect, using feminine wiles to get what you want, choosing family over career....


you are not a feminist

Lerrie John: I am quite a feminist in the sense that a woman should have a voice in the family, community and society as a whole but when it comes to the FAMILY I have a different approach. I have read some women complain about giving up on those "dreams" ie career.
I have got a career in which I'm doing extremely well and I've got more room for growth but notwithstanding my "dream" is to raise my FAMILY. MY husband doesn't mind my job but when we do have kids I'm going to leave work and dedicate my time to my kids until they are grown. That's my decision not his. He doesn't agree with me and thinks I should work but I told him I would love to work a part time job or work for him as long as the job permits me to pick my kids after school, cook for them, do home works , play together and have dinner together as a family my husband inclusive. No job or carrier title will ever fill the emptiness you WILL have when you get old. All the material things will come and go but if you as a WOMAN succeed in creating ang growing a PEACEFUL LOVING FAMILY believe me you will live a fulfilling and rewarding life.
That's just my opinion.

If on the other hand your dream is to own your career, house, cars...in other words material things...I hope they give you enough warmth when you get old.
Women are wise and are actually wiser than Men if we could only learn to use our knowledge in the right way. Your man is the HEAD of the family but you are the NECK. The head will always depend on the NECK. it doesn't matter if your husband owns five houses after all what is his is yours if you are legally and happily married. If you play your roles as wise wives and women you will have everything you have ever dreamed. Family and career together.

it dosnt worth it nd wot apen if d marriage isnt working she end up being a frustrated woman,marriage can flup but trust me ur job wll be der for u to make u api,being submmissive is not d same as being suborinate or loosing ur dreams

it dosnt worth it nd wot apen if d marriage isnt working she end up being a frustrated woman,marriage can flup but trust me ur job wll be der for u to make u api,being submmissive is not d same as being suborinate or loosing ur dreams.