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Don’t!

Nothing is worth dying for, most especially love. If he loves you, he’ll want you to live for him and the love you both profess to have for each other. It is funny but also heart rending that with so many deaths and injuries caused by domestic violence both women and men will still choose to stay with their partners.

Yes, men too. You will be surprised at what some men are going through. One of the reasons why so many people stay in an abusive relationship is because they believe that they love their partner so much that they are willing to forgive them.

Some others think that if they leave their partner, they will be nothing without them because of their low self esteem. Most people stay because they believe that person gives them everything they need. They also believe if they leave them or tell someone about what they are going through, they will lose everything their partner gives them. For them, the benefits outweigh the cost.

Whatever the scenario is, thinking along this line will be applying what I’ll call the costversus- benefits principle. And this principle is not new at all, especially in this part of the world. Another reason is what I’ll call the appeal-to-force principle.

Most people are so afraid that if they leave their partner, that person would find them and hurt them even more or maybe kill them. They also think that their partner would always be hunting them.

A lot of the times, people are afraid that if they move on, their partner may seriously hurt them with other forms of abuse apart from the physical abuse which may hurt them more, so they elect to stay.

In some cases either women or men choose to stay because they are afraid that their partner might hurt or kill their loved ones. So when making a decision they think of all the consequences that their decision might lead to in the future. What they don’t realise is that by hanging on in an abusive relationship they might end up losing their life. Another fact we have to look at is that most times people may not have enough resources to make the decision of leaving their partner.

They also might not know how to ask for help because they are so afraid. Some are even encouraged to stay within that abusive relationship because they don’t have people that are close to them that would take them in and help them. Some people are so afraid that they don’t talk to anyone so they never find out that there so many places and people you can talk to that are there to help you.

The ‘Change Principle’ is also a well known excuse that people, especially women use when making a decision in whether to leave or stay in an abusive relationship.

Most people believe that the abuse, whether physical, emotional or psychological that they are going through in a relationship is just a passing face that will pass away so they would never do anything about it.

By the way they act or talk about it, it becomes obvious when you see the person being abused, that he or she is in a denial state whereby he or she will believe that the abuser will change. Even when you try to help them out they won’t let you because they are so into that believe or denial state of being.

There are so many reasons why a person stays in an abusive relationship, but whatever those reasons are, domestic violence is wrong in every way possible and you shouldn’t let it happen. Whether you’re a teen or an adult you shouldn’t let anyone hurt you in anyway.

People should value their life because that’s the most precious thing someone has and once it’s gone you would never get it back so why let someone ruin it for you. Because you love the person or because you’re scared of them doesn’t mean they have the right to hurt you.

There are so many people that are out there to help you, but they are not going to go look for you, it’s up to you to ask for help. My take as a man is that if he truly loves you, he won’t hurt you in any way. And if any kilt or kin or friend tells you to endure, ask that person if he or she values your being alive?


Run!

Recently, Nigeria was traumatised with the news about an ex-Skye Bank staff who was brutally murdered by her husband. It is such a pathetic story and there are many of such incidents which do not receive that much publicity.

The painful fact is that no matter how much we criticize and punish the husband who murdered his wife and no matter how much we come up with ideas of what the woman should have done to escape from her abusive husband; nothing can bring her back to life. We expect people to learn from the incident and avoid recurrences, right? But, is there any guarantee that women will on the basis of the sad incident (and other similar ones), leave their abusive partners? Is it okay for a woman to “hang in there” in the name of love?

Let us agree at this point that there are different types and degrees of abuse, and people suffer them in various combinations. Verbal abuse occurs when one person uses words and body language to inappropriately criticise another person. It makes the victim feel he/she is not worthy of love or respect, and that he/she lacks ability or talent.

Unfortunately, verbal abuse is not easily recognised as abuse, and therefore it can go on for extended periods, causing severe damage to the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth Psychological abuse (also known as mental abuse or emotional abuse) occurs when one person controls information available to another person so as to manipulate that person’s sense of reality. It often contains strong emotionally manipulative content designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser’s wishes.

It may be emotional abuse in this sense when it is designed to cause emotional pain to victims or to “mess with their heads” in attempts to gain compliance and counter any resistance.

Like verbal abuse, psychological abuse is often not recognised as abuse early on and can result in serious psychological after effects. Physical abuse occurs when one person uses physical pain or threat of physical force to intimidate another person.

It involves slaps, pushes, beating, punching, kicking, hair pulling, scratching, and real physical damage sufficient in some cases to require hospitalization. Sexual Abuse includes any sort of unwanted sexual contact perpetrated on a victim by an abuser.

It involves inappropriate touching with or without intercourse. Sexual abuse also occurs if one partner has agreed to a certain level of sexual activity and another level is forced upon her (or him) without prior explicit consent being given. Sexual abuse is often coupled with physical abuse (or threat of physical abuse) and emotional abuse. When the issue of abuse in relationships is discussed, the primary focus is physical and sexual abuse.

This is understandable because it is presumed that verbal abuse and psychological abuse can be tolerated, except in extreme (and rare) circumstances where the victim starts to lose his/her mind as to require rehabilitation. People argue that there is nothing like sexual abuse in marriage, and we shall address this issue in another edition. In the meantime, let us agree that there can be sexual abuse in marriage. Undoubtedly, love and abuse are two unrelated parallel lines which ordinarily should not meet.

So how do we explain the hateful and horrifying manner in which some people treat their partners? How much provocation can justify slaps, beatings and stab injuries?

More importantly, how safe can a woman be if she remains with a partner who constantly abuses her? Of course, it seems easier to advise a single woman to leave her boyfriend/ fiancé than it is to advise a married woman to leave her husband on account of abuse.

But is abuse part of the “worse” contained in marriage vows? And must the death referred to in “until death do us part” be caused by one’s spouse? In my opinion, no woman should stay in an abusive relationship in the name of love. Once a man starts to slap, beat, punch or push you, run for your life!

If he is just a boyfriend or fiancé, break up the relationship immediately and don’t look back. Even if it is just a few days to your wedding, just know that a broken engagement is better than a broken marriage/divorce.

Of course, he will come begging (in tears), promising to change. Do not be fooled. What is the guarantee that he will change? Don’t get me wrong, I believe in forgiveness and love. But wisdom tells you that if you break your leg from a fall caused by sitting on a faulty chair, you should not attempt to sit on the same chair again.

The greater challenge is where the abuse is by a spouse. I also don’t subscribe to divorce, so I will not be quick to tell a woman to file divorce papers on account of physical abuse.

But I also will not tell her to remain in her matrimonial home and love her husband “until death do them part”. So, should love keep you stuck to an abusive partner? Not closely

http://nationalmirroronline.net/new/should-you-endure-abuse-for-love/