I have to make a decision and my heart says

follow ur heart

yemivictor:

You already have a son for him out of wedlock and i truly don't know what advice you want for such an arrangement!

You say you wont accept his smoking pot as a wife yet you spread your legs for him with the full knowledge of this vice of his!!

You seem to have deliberately ensnared yourself, far as i'm concerned!!!

abi oo tell am

Without going into the moralizing minefield and making the best of a already damaged situation.

IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for him to be secretive - IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE for him smoking pot WHEN HE IS A FATHER who should know better.

BUT if he is unable to modify his behavior - which this all comes down to then you are faced with either putting up and shutting up or getting the hell out and away from him

Thats my gut reaction - hope you can think about making some gut feelings work for you too because when you think about it just on the very little you've told us this isn't good is it.

Send me a PM here if you really need some methods for making the separation easier to deal with in your mind because thats the hardest bit your going to deal with the emotions of who you thought was a nice and hopefully loving husband being separate from the guy you now see.

Lets face the fact, though you are older, but age is not a barrier. There are things you should know, if you are to be a Nigerian, then you will be ashamed of yourself, having children for different men. Marriage is about understanding, tolerance and endurance. So stick to one or forget about marriage and make your children your husband.

You can still control his smoking habit, if you love him, then don't let me go.

@ Poster

Get yourself a box of  tissues, all this will end in tears.

sista-jay:

@ Poster

Get yourself a box of  tissues, all this will end in tears.

yemivictor:

You already have a son for him out of wedlock and i truly don't know what advice you want for such an arrangement!

You say you wont accept his smoking pot as a wife yet you spread your legs for him with the full knowledge of this vice of his!!

You seem to have deliberately ensnared yourself, far as i'm concerned!!!

u've said it all jare

Just spoke with him,

@poster tell us d main reason u love him. his magic stick i guess! u seem to knw wht to do but u love sometin he produces, u dnt want to loose dat. its up to u anyway.

@last poster magic stick!!that urban myth again about white women with black men lol! If that was the case then after he became all holier than thou after son was born, putting a ban on sex for 6 months as it was not right!!! then I would have left way back then. No I am not that shallow or desperate enough to stay just for a beating with his magik stik

I know for a fact that if you love someone so much, its so difficult to let the person go and because of this, you really have to make the wises decision before its too late.

I think I am feeling your pressure after reading your post and if I were in your shoes, I really can't breathe right now. Anyways, the milk has been spilt so if I were in your case,  this is what I'll do:-

we have a 6 month old son together (I have children from a past marriage, I am divorced). I also worry about his underlying character, he smokes pot-which I have categorically told him i will not accept as a wife.

Since you both have a son together, maybe you could advise and pursue him to stop smoking pot because it won’t be healthy for the baby. It wont be easy but I think if you take one step at a time – like maybe to decrease the amount of smoke per week and try to cut down slowly by slowly (considering to the fact that you really love him and if he really loves you in return), both of you will be able to conquer it. Tell him that he is doing it for the baby (that is if he is ought to be a responsible father).

Now we have had a tough time since we met adjusting to one another as culturally we are so different and I (as he has) have found our ways very different which has often led to misunderstandings.

Yes, I know what you mean but I don’t think that is a good excuse because of cultural differences. There’s one real life true love story I seen on TV the other day. To cut short, an American man whom could not speak in Arab at all fell in love with an Egyptian lady whom could not speak in English at all during the war time. Both speak to each other with their own native language yet somehow both understand each other. After they got married, the guy went for Arabic class and the girl went for English class. They have been married together for years now so no matter how far the culture differences is, if its true love and its made to be, nothing can go against it. I have a Naija bf and we also have our cultural differences but we learn to follow each other’s culture so its not biggy.

Now I am being pressured for marriage, which we have got booked in a few weeks but I am now having second thoughts. His visa needs to be renewed and as he has not done well in his studies he fears it won't get renewed and (although he says this is not the reason he wants to marry-so he can get a spouse visa) I am worried that marriage at this time is for the wrong reason.

You have married your ex husband before so if you marry again and it does not work, why is this time so difficult?

I love this man truly and when things are good they can be very good, but, he has cheated in the past (although he swears it wasn't sex) I forgave him but I worry as he is so secretive with his phones.

The thing is that if you really love him like what you have said, you should be able to trust him and to forgive all his sins in the past and move forward. That’s the reason why these days marriage in people falls apart because there is no trust and forgiveness and understanding between the two and as they always say, it takes two hands to clap.

I worry as he is so secretive with his phones.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. A couple must be able to be honest with each other you know?

He can be very lovely but there is a very arrogant, stubborn selfish side to him that I am not sure about.

My dear. No one’s perfect in this world but if it is really bothering you, just speak freely with him. Maybe he is not aware of his bad side cause no one told him?

I would like to marry him but under such circumstances I think it best to wait.

If you have to wait, then just do it. Don’t rush yourself and in the end you will pressurize yourself.

I know though that if I cannot marry him I will lose him as if he's visa is renewed he will leave to study in London-as it is cheaper, or if not renewed he will have to go back to Lagos.

Have you ever heard of the saying that if he is meant to be yours, than he shall be yours? Whether if he ends up somewhere else or not, if he is meant to be yours, he will be eventually. You never know, you might go and visit him in his country or maybe he got a job in your country. . . . Anything can happen.

I think what’s more important is your son.  Think about him first before any other thing.

u wuld hav missed it. bt nw u still collect d floggin, dat culd b it.k.

THANKS GABRYWYL that has really helped.

You have married your ex husband before so if you marry again and it does not work, why is this time so difficult?
reason for this is i do not want to put the kids through another divorce, if i marry it is because i believe it is forever and hence why i take so serious.
@Segzi yes missed it bt it is not the be all and end all, going without i learnt a lot

THANKS GABRYWYL that has really helped.

No probs. Wishing you all the best in your future endeavors.

reason for this is i do not want to put the kids through another divorce, if i marry it is because i believe it is forever and hence why i take so serious.

Yes, you are right but then again, you cannot predict of what will happen in the future. Like they say, Life is like a Box of Chocolate,you never know what you're gonna get.

Your children might have a hard time but they will understand eventually.

gabrywyl:


Your children might have a hard time but they will understand eventually.[/color]

And how many children do you have?

sistawoman:

And how many children do you have?

you dey talk to me?

@gabrywyl,

gabrywyl:

you dey talk to me?

Yes.  Just wondering because i have 5 and i know first hand how divorce does them.  and I know how having one man after the other will do children as well, i have watched it happen to other females

I also as a mother of 5, all with the same father, can only image how it must feel to have different baby-daddies let alone two ex-husbands.

So I was just wondering how many children you have and how many times you have been divorced.

sistawoman:

Yes. Just wondering because i have 5 and i know first hand how divorce does them. and I know how having one man after the other will do children as well, i have watched it happen to other females

I also as a mother of 5, all with the same father, can only image how it must feel to have different baby-daddies let alone two ex-husbands.

So I was just wondering how many children you have and how many times you have been divorced.

I'm not married and have no children but I know how does it feel to be the child of a divorced parent and with different parents and different brothers and sisters.

Hi sistawoman, his commitment. How old are your kids Sistawoman? Are you married to a nigerian?

I am 33 with now 5 children. 3 of my own 10 boy 8 girl 6 boy, 2 of his 16 girl and 12 boy.
Yes I am married to a Nigerian man and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. The relationship will not get any better then what it is, he will not change just because you marry. I am sorry that you are having these problems with him. But if he is no good with money please be careful. I went thru that with my first husband and we had so many fights because he would take the bill money and do other things. Both my current husband and I work and he controls the finances. We have a joint account and a seperate accounts. I get an allowance every week and I do as I want with my extra money. I love that I dont have to worry about the mortage being paid or the water or gas or elec. I love that I dont have to worry about how to pay the plumber or day care or gas or insurance. My husband takes care of all of these things and I just maintain a home for him.

When he comes home the house is peaceful and all is well in my home. He loves to be there and cant image being anywhere else. He has never cheated on me, that I know of, he has never disrespected me, he is always gentle loving and caring when it comes to me, he puts my needs before his as I do him. He is so romantic (so many have said that Nigerian men are not), he means the world to me and he is my King as I am his Queen. When he looks at me and tells me I am beautiful or I love you i feel it in my soul and know that this is real. You know girl when it is real you just have to search to see if that is what you feel with your future husband. If you dont feel it, really feel it then dont force it. Either it is there or it is not. Dont make him your husband if you really dont feel it, if you really cant take him as he is today with no changes.

@ Poster,

You have 5 kids, uneasy abt your current relationship, Just forget marriage and focus on your kids. They are too many to add another stress.

Stay the way you are maybe date but marriage, no need.

Oh Sistawoman .

I can completely understand how you feel about his Visa status. I would not want to be in your shoes tring to decide what to do. The problems you are having with this man I am sure is because of his age. He has not partied and sowed enough wild oats to have it out of his system.

My husband is 9 years my Sr. and I know that is why he is so mature. Why did he call off the wedding the first time?

Men like women who are confident of themselves, intelligent and wise they are attracted to them the more

Lady Poster,

Forget marrying him, you don't want another load do you? there will be someone for you down the road. Just make sure he gives financial support to the kid you both had together.

You want things to happen, but it is not so move on. you have seen what he is like still you are there wishing, we ladies umm. This guys has a different dream from urs what else do you want?  

two can't walk together except they agree.

like Kadijen said, follow ur heart, nothing anyone will say here will make u more happy than ur decision. NO one can make u as happy as u want to b, only u can, wish u all the best with ur heart decision and hope to see u smiling,

Take care and give ur kid a kiss for me,

Cjay

sistawoman:

I am 33 with now 5 children. 3 of my own 10 boy 8 girl 6 boy, 2 of his 16 girl and 12 boy.
Yes I am married to a Nigerian man and he is the best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Thanks sistawoman for help clarifying that not all Nigerian men are cheats and swindlers. . .

Some of us have hearts and true intentions.

sistawoman:

He has never cheated on me, that I know of, he has never disrespected me, he is always gentle loving and caring when it comes to me, he puts my needs before his as I do him. He is so romantic (so many have said that Nigerian men are not),

Thank you jare!

sistawoman:

he means the world to me and he is my King as I am his Queen. When he looks at me and tells me I am beautiful or I love you i feel it in my soul and know that this is real.

That is soo cool. .give your husband a pat on the back 4 me, he's a 'correct' guy.

That's cos you guys are only "romantic" to foreigners, Oyato