hope u get what u want

Fulaman198:

For me, I just want a woman who is virgin with a kind pure heart. I would love this woman with all my heart and protect her with my life.

pickabeau1: hope u get what u want

Same to you kind sir

I think d first thing we should ask ourselves here is why do people get married?

byvan: The typical Naija marriage is exhausting.i have a friend whose husband ll not touch food that is not fresh from fire.He comes home as late as 1.am,thats when she starts preparing his food,he doesn't eat anything preserved like dry pepper or dry fish, he eats everything fresh.He kept up his part of whatever deal they made by making sure she doesn't lack cash.

Living by rules is not living at all.

Hmmmm, God sure has a way of giving us what we can handle.
No matter the cash, doing fresh food everytime even as late as 1am. Na death be dat oh.
Me dat hates going to the market. With all the mud, crayfish driven engine grinding market. Reminds me of the movie mr and mrs.

prissyluv: I think d first thing we should ask ourselves here is why do people get married?

To be with the love of their life for the rest of their lives, as simple as that

Chillisauce:

Hmmmm, God sure has a way of giving us what we can handle.
No matter the cash, doing fresh food everytime even as late as 1am. Na death be dat oh.
Me dat hates going to the market. With all the mud, crayfish driven engine grinding market. Reminds me of the movie mr and mrs.

It's always easier being married to your friend,i wonder how she survives that.

pickabeau1:

I believe marriage is not for everyone...do you think otherwise...

Yes, I do,

Who is marriage not for? And why not?

Apart for some extreme cases/instances (outliers), what would/should prevent a normal person from getting married?

TV

Fulaman198:

To be with the love of their life for the rest of their lives, as simple as that

It can be, however that's a romantic notion and it's not always that simple.

TV

Just as you have mentioned in your post ...
Extreme cases

That means not everyone can marry

My post was marriage is not for everyone

Some die before their time
Some have a calling that marriage will hinder - Paul
Some never just get married

TV01:

Yes, I do,

Who is marriage not for? And why not?

Apart for some extreme cases/instances (outliers), what would/should prevent a normal person from getting married?

TV

pickabeau1: Just as you have mentioned in your post ...
Extreme cases

That means not everyone can marry

My post was marriage is not for everyone

Some die before their time
Some have a calling that marriage will hinder - Paul
Some never just get married

If it's extreme case we agree. If one dies pre-puberty, of course they won't. If one is not mentally competent, no they shouldn't, But typically, when people say that marriage is not for everyone, they do not mean outliers, that is taken as read.,

But for the the vast majority of people who attain adulthood and are not in any way defective, there is no reason that marriage is not for them. I'm talking in principle, not exceptions.

They may not understand it,embrace it, be responsible enough for it or simply choose not to do it, but it is for everyone.

That cliché alone makes some miss it.


TV

TV01:

If it's extreme case we agree. If one dies pre-puberty, of course they won't. If one is not mentally competent, no they shouldn't, But typically, when people say that marriage is not for everyone, they do not mean outliers, that is taken as read.,

But for the the vast majority of people who attain adulthood and are not in any way defective, there is no reason that marriage is not for them. I'm talking in principle, not exceptions.

They may not understand it,embrace it, be responsible enough for it or simply choose not to do it, but it is for everyone.

That cliché alone makes some miss it.


TV

Hmmm.... I get you but what you call outliers may not be a minority

But I get what you mean by clichés

TV01:

It can be, however that's a romantic notion and it's not always that simple.

TV

It should be that simple, it's just that human beings are very imperfect with their thought process

When you marry for the things you hope to get from the other person, the marriage becomes a hole that your expectations when received fills the hole, when you don't receive what you want, the hole is there and every other way to fill it up with other things, won't just work.

Marriage always come first irrespective of what you have suddenly achieved or become. When we put our marriages first and respect it by all means, we learn how to balance everything in such away that nothing suffers. Your career will not suffer, your kids and the time you spend with them will not suffer, your relationship with your spouse will not suffer, and so on.

Women, naturally have more responsibilities in a marriage, we always want to share it, trust, but the better you know that majority of it and keeping your home, strictly lies on the woman, the better and fight free most home (in this our generation) will be.

Wowwwwww!!

You all don't know how much I love you right now.

You make it seem sooo simple.

spontaneity is key. and friendship too.

hmmmmn. I have to read those posts, again.

Toyinletstalk: When you marry for the things you hope to get from the other person, the marriage becomes a hole that your expectations when received fills the hole, when you don't receive what you want, the hole is there and every other way to fill it up with other things, won't just work.

Marriage always come first irrespective of what you have suddenly achieved or become. When we put our marriages first and respect it by all means, we learn how to balance everything in such away that nothing suffers. Your career will not suffer, your kids and the time you spend with them will not suffer, your relationship with your spouse will not suffer, and so on.

Women, naturally have more responsibilities in a marriage, we always want to share it, trust, but the better you know that majority of it and keeping your home, strictly lies on the woman, the better and fight free most home (in this our generation) will be.

This your post nawa o esp. the bolded

It is well o!

bellong: The first step to a blissful and prosperous union is to understand the purpose and essence of marriage. Marriage is not to turn any member of the union to a slave but for helping each other. To be an help-meet to each other.

Understanding this straightforward and simple meaning will go a lot in making a home worthy of emulation. Help-meet means to help each other accomplish a set goal in a mutual arrangement.

The lady is more skillful in some areas than the guy and vice-versa. The two parties come together to apply their resourcefulness for the betterment of the home.

But if the lady is more skillful in some areas and the husband just expects her to perform her skills, would it be easy to flex when things go a little wrong?

Sissie: First example, this happens all the time, wife doesn't have time to cook the 3 course meal, husband is already used to eating sumptuous meal and also thinks it's wife's duty alone to do the cooking, it sounds simple but it leads to so many other problems.

It's best things like this are discussed before marriage, how flexible is the husband but in this case they are married, the question now is who compromises, wife or husband. Am tempted to say husband should just hire a cook, but wife knew before she got the promotion her husband wants only her cooking.

Both should compromise, hire a cook, so the cook do all the pre-cooking preparation I.e washing, cutting e.t.c and the wife does the actual cooking (consume less time), and when the wife is so busy and can't cook, the cook should do the cooking.

In some cases the woman just has to find a way to do the cooking, some men don't eat food outside, they only eat their mum, sister and wife's food.
It's not enough reason to get a divorce.

Then you agree that the husband could compromise and not demand because they agreed to it b4 marriage.

But there are cases where they have not agreed and had led to divorce.

which makes the talk about couples being ready to take less than what they expected genuine. If he would not, they'll have problems.

Sissie: If spouses demand much from each other, it should be realistic and flexible. It should not be one party doing the demanding the other doing the giving.

Yes.

But I am talking of the mindset of going into the marriage with the thought that you could take much less, if you have to.

You know how our lists are so long maybe we wont compromise that b4 marriage. But with marriage, all hands are on deck to make it work..in a synergy.

byvan: When both spouses are flexible,they ll hardly disagree . If only couples can do what suits them and forget the way others did it in the past, marriage ll definitely be a walk in the park . It's hard when young couples try to live by the book,where wife cooks thrice a day,husband must foot the bill and so on.....

It's really fun if couples can keep the marriage the way they were while dating.Eat out when you can,cook when you can, club when you can.Rigid expectations can be pretty frustrating,its easier to live without rules.just move with the flow.........

This idea suits me, a lot .I like to do what I want to do just because I want to do it. It is much more fun when it is not a responsibility.

But how realistic is it in Marriage? There's just a set of traits that go woth being married. Some kind of responsible state..

When going into marriage just accept there are two options: either it will work out or it won't.

Divorce is always a possibility and increasingly so these days.

Therefore, imo the topic has been thoroughly examined and exhausted enough, people should take what they can from it or ignore what has been said, and move on.

tpia@:
When going into marriage just accept there are two options: either it will work out or it won't.

Why should we? I never go into something planning to fail. Having that thought is like conceding to 50% defeat.

^ that is your expectation.

I was referring to reality. As per options.

deols:

This idea suits me, a lot .I like to do what I want to do just because I want to do it. It is much more fun when it is not a responsibility.

But how realistic is it in Marriage? There's just a set of traits that go woth being married. Some kind of responsible state..

Definitely some set of traits goes with being married but it's nothing to fret about,nature takes its course.You just find yourself becoming more of a nurturer and less of a daredevil if you were one . There is always spontaneity when you are married to someone that sees life through similar lens with you,you can't marry a rigid minded traditional man and expect flexibility .Children will curb some adventures too,i know what kids did to our carefree lifestyle .when third parties are completely eliminated in a marriage,there is usually a fertile ground for spontaneity to thrive.


It won't be about you anymore,all decisions have to be about "Us ",thats why marriage frustrates selfish people.

tpia@:
When going into marriage just accept there are two options: either it will work out or it won't.

Divorce is always a possibility and increasingly so these days.

Therefore, imo the topic has been thoroughly examined and exhausted enough, people should take what they can from it or ignore what has been said, and move on.

madam. I used to always believe that divorce is an option. A big, good option.

When I started to think in line of being more ready to deal with certain not so good situations, I thought it was me growing up.

Dont draw me back please
plus I am an optimist. The man I shall marry shall be the one and only. thats the dream ma'm.

byvan:


Definitely some set of traits goes with being married but it's nothing to fret about,nature takes its course.You just find yourself becoming more of a nurturer and less of a daredevil if you were one . There is always spontaneity when you are married to someone that sees life through similar lens with you,you can't marry a rigid minded traditional man and expect flexibility .Children will curb some adventures too,i know what kids did to our carefree lifestyle .when third parties are completely eliminated in a marriage,there is usually a fertile ground for spontaneity to thrive.


It won't be about you anymore,all decisions have to be about "Us ",thats why marriage frustrates selfish people.

You always have a hilarious twist to it. Traditional men are a no NO. I cannot come and go and die.

deols: I have heard people say that love is selfish. But does it have to be?

They say that the reason someone wants the other person is for what they can get from that person and it is just not enough to simply love.

So, in some cases, people only seek those who can satisfy certain needs of theirs and there is nothing wrong with that. But what happens when the need can not be met anymore due to incapacitation, a sickness, or a crumbling economy.

Would it make sense to drop the thoughts of entitlement and have it in mind from the start that we could really do with less from our spouses.


I want us to use this thread to discuss instances where a couple can actually not ask for too much from each other and still have a successful union.

A case study-

The man cannot cook. So, he married a woman who can with the hope that she would be able to feed him and his children with delicious meals . She agrees to this. After some time in the marriage, and after successfully discharging this duty for a while she gets a promotion at work. This now keeps her too busy to do as she used to. Leaving her job is not an option as she believes so much in hardwork and financial independence.

Now, breaking the marriage up is not a considered option at this time as a lot of energy and perseverance have been put in the marriage and Children involved.

If the man would learn to do the cooking or allow a maid do the cooking or allow the family get their food from restaurants at those times that the wife is unable, without harbouring ill-feelings about it, the marriage can go on smoothly with no one hurt.

But if he keeps on with the 'You must do as I say, the opposite may happen.

Such thoughts as this run in my head. I wonder how much practical they are.

Our society expect rigid role playing between couples and frowns when they tend to deviate.

However, a couple that knows that they have only each other will give all it takes to make it work smoothly

Divorce is an option that can be eliminated if each party know what they want and patiently wait/look for it

deols:

madam. I used to always believe that divorce is an option. A big, good option.

When I started to think in line of being more ready to deal with certain not so good situations, I thought it was me growing up.

Dont draw me back please
plus I am an optimist. The man I shall marry shall be the one and only. thats the dream ma'm.

People have already dropped enough suggestions, advice and comments for you to choose from.

Besides, you also have other threads you opened to discuss marriage and expectations.

Your preparations are intense, yet you are not even ready to marry as you pointed out.

I just feel sometimes its about 'gbe enyan lenu jo' so to speak.

Ie have people type till their fingers get tired, gba arodan.

tpia@:




People have already dropped enough suggestions, advice and comments for you to choose from.

Besides, you also have other threads you opened to discuss marriage and expectations.

Your preparations are intense, yet you are not even ready to marry as you pointed out.

I just feel sometimes its about 'gbe enyan lenu jo' so to speak.

Ie have people type till their fingers get tired, gba arodan.

They are not complaining.

And I am genuine.

yellowpawpaw: Good topic for discussion.

Many marriages wouldn't hv hit d rock had those involved used common sense. Our society is a bigger reflection of both who we r individually and as a family. We r too self centered and rigid.
An example is a couple that just came back from work and hubby will retire leaving d wife to toil in d kitchen or a working wife that decided her money is for her pple while only d husband provides for her immediate family.
We follow some rigid cultural practices that does not comform to today's world and xpect a blissful marriage.

It was in solomom's thread that somebody asked whether I can do plumbing work. The essence of doing all those thing is just to distress ur other half and be less dependent.
Marriage is a union for the matured minded. I've seen a man who normally wakes up to pound yam b4 going to work in d morning cos wifey is busy preparing d children to school b4 she goes to work. He loves the thing die.Since he want poundo, he wakes up earlier and do his thing. What's the big deal. But most of us won't do that cos they feel its beneath them. That is what is called marriage. I've not washed hubby's clothes up to 6 times since we got married.cooking is a hubby else......but I can't turn semo.
At time like Byvan said we all eat out a whole day. I can pay, he can pay. shikena.

In my house for eg, of all the people hubby worry least about, its me. Simple bc I made it to be so.
Marriage entails practicality and always calling black black.
Another major problem that stiffles marriage is too much proximity. We all need fresh air at times. Let there be enuf space for everybody,s me time.

Waoh! C epistle.
It is well.

Deols, r u getting married soon?
(My gele is still in my box o! ).

I must to invite you nahhh

ifyalways: There is no way any human relationship CANNOT be symbiotic, not even in marriage. Right from birth,childhood,everything, all we do as humans is for mutual benefits. Now, the "benefit" is relative and not quantified in all situation.

When I give alms, the smiles of happiness I get back,plus the believe that one day,I or one of mine in need might be helped by someone else is my "benefit" - silly as it may sound.

I put my kids through school cos I expect them to come out with good grades, get a good job,live good lives,give me grand kids and make me happy in old age.

I take good care of my husband so he can concentrate and make enough money for the family.

Soooo,long story short, giving and receiving is perfectly normal and cannot be eliminated lai lai. It only becomes unhealthy when its parasitic- one person giving,the other receiving.

I agree totally. But when things are a little not perfect, we could just live with less..

ireneidiva:
i agree with you. Marriage should not be on rules. Don't marry a man that swears that he will never enter the kitchen or eat out when he has a wife or a woman that says she will never pay the kids school fee because she has a husband.

I used to say that I would never pay.

my money is for me myself and I

MMotimo: Today, I think people overthink this idea of marriage too much, sometimes it sounds like heading to battle. Marriage is a coupling of friends, not enemies and not meant for people that can barely tolerate each other. Maybe I am just an oldfashioned romantic but I believe in love and I believe it covers up a lot of things.

I will talk about your cooking example since I can provide first hand account - look at a marriage as "what can/does he/she do?" Not "what does he/she not do?"

My husband cannot cook save for basic boil rice, egg but he can eat cereal+milk, bread+ stew, sausage rolls, pancakes, sandwich, cookies+hot chocolate, etc as a meal anytime of the day. He has no rules around "I must eat so and so at this time." Our kids have been brought up that way too. I cook or we go to a restaurant, buy takeout, fry eggs, etc even for dinner. As long as no one is starving. There is always food in the house in different forms, doesn't have to be poundo + bushmeat. Some men are simply not deep into this food thingy

Now, this person that cannot cook, cannot stand dirt/untidiness which means if anybody is wasting time with cleaning, he will happily do it himself without asking anybody. If you don't clear up the laundry hamper quickly enough, he will put all the clothes in the washer himself, dry them and damn your whining about mixing up colors. He will clear the kitchen sink faster than you can say " it is so and o child's turn to do it." He helps in the kitchen with the most basic tasks and I could go on and on.

He cannot wash a car to my satisfaction, the reason why I do all the car washing myself at the self serve car wash. Which means I wear jeans and rubber boots and wash by myself.

Marriage is work but it is not labor, take your time to know who complements you. Right now, we have no stew in the house because we ran out. So tonight, we might go out for dinner or just eat something light at home tonight, no biggie.

Me that cannot guarantee I will have "real food" at all times, when it is time for him to eat, unless I'm asleep or out of the house, I dish his food myself, set the table for him,invite him to eat and stay with him till he is done. I treat him like a king and he treats me like a queen, works for us.

I could write more but have to go now. Remember -first things first, marry your friend.

Your story is sweet. kai