8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage “…And they
lived happily
ever after” You’re smart.
You know life
is no
storybook. But
admit it:
Somewhere deep in your
subconscious
lurk romantic
visions of
Cinderella, or
maybe Julia Roberts. The images may be sketchy and a little
outdated, but you can stillmake out the
silhouette of the bride and Prince Charming
riding off into the sunset. In real life, sometimes your Disney fairy tale
ends up feeling more like a Wes Craven horror
flick — and you’re the chick who keeps falling
down and screaming for her life. I’ve been
there. Let’s face it, marriage is not for the faint
of heart. You want to believe your pure love for each other will pull you through. And it does.
But it ain’t always pretty. That may sound grim. But here’s a secret:
Sometimes it’s the least romantic parts of
marriage that have the most to teach you
about yourself, your partner, and the nature of
love. Read on for some simple truths that will
unlock the surprising treasures and pleasures in your imperfect, unstorybook, real-life love. Marriage truth #1 You will look at the person lying next to you
and wonder, Is this it? Forever? When you get married, you think that as long
as you pick the right guy — your soul mate —
you’ll be happy together until death do you
part. Then you wake up one day and realize
that no matter how great he is, he doesn’t
make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder why you
were in such a hurry to get married in the first
place. You think to yourself, This is so not what
I signed up for.
Actually, it is. You just didn’t realize it the day
you and your guy were cramming wedding cake into each other’s faces, clinking
champagne glasses, and dancing the Electric
Slide. Back then you had no idea that “for
better and for worse” doesn’t kick in only
when life hands you a tragedy. Your
relationship mettle is, in fact, most tested on a daily basis, when the utter sameness of day-in/
day-out togetherness can sometimes make
you want to run for the hills. That’s when the
disappointment sneaks in, and maybe even a
palpable sense of loneliness and grief. It’s not
him. It’s just you, letting go of that sugarcoated fantasy of marriage that danced in your eyes
the day you and your beloved posed in all
those soft-focus wedding photos. You’re
learning that marriage isn’t a destination; it’s a
journey filled with equal parts excitement and
tedium. Waking up from a good dream to face the
harsh morning daylight may not seem like a
reason to celebrate. But trust me, it is. Because
once you let go of all the hokey stories of
eternal bliss, you find that the reality of
marriage is far richer and more rewarding than you ever could have guessed. Hard, yes.
Frustrating, yes. But full of its own powerful,
quiet enchantments just the same, and that’s
better than any fairy tale. MARRIAGE TRUTH #2
You’ll work harder than you ever imagined Early on, when people say, “Marriage takes
work,” you assume “work” means being
patient when he forgets to put down the toilet
seat. In your naiveté, you think that you will
struggle to accommodate some annoying
habit, like persistent knuckle cracking or flatulence. If only it were that easy. Human beings, you
may have noticed, are not simple creatures.
Your man has mysterious, unplumbed depths
— and from where he sits, you’re pretty
complicated, too. You have to learn each other
the same way that you once learned earth science or world geography. And getting
married doesn’t mean you’re done — it just
means you’ve advanced to graduate-level
studies. That’s because every time you think
you’ve mastered the material, he’ll change a bit.
And so will you. As two people grow and evolve, the real work of marriage is finding a
way to relate to and nurture each other in the
process. “It’s like losing weight,” says Andrea Harden,
45, of Buffalo, NY. “You want it to be a one-time
deal. You lost it, now just live. But then you
learn it’s a lifestyle. That’s marriage. The effort is
a forever thing.” So don’t be too hard on
yourself — or him — on those days when you feel like you’re struggling through remedial
math. MARRIAGE TRUTH #3
You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe
even wake up madder)
Whoever decided to tell newlyweds “Never go
to bed angry” doesn’t know what it’s like
inside a bedroom where tears and accusations fly as one spouse talks the other into a woozy
stupor until night meets the dawn. If this
scenario sounds familiar, I’ve got three words
for you: Sleep on it. You need to calm down. You need to gain
perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I’ve
found that an argument of any quality, like a
fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the
action will help you figure out whether you’re
angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source. Maybe the fight that seemed to
erupt over the overflowing garbage can is
really about feeling underappreciated. Could
be you’re both stressed out at work and just
needed to unload on someone. Taking a break
will help you see that, and let go. Or maybe you really do have a legitimate disagreement to
work out. Without a time-out, sometimes a
perfectly good argument can turn into an
endless round of silly back-and-forth,
rehashing old and irrelevant transgressions as
you get more and more wound up. Even when you do manage to stay focused
and on topic, there are some fights that
stubbornly refuse to die by bedtime. And if you
stifle your real feelings just to meet some
arbitrary deadline, your marriage will surely be
the worse for it. “This was a huge lesson for me,” says Andrea. “As women we’ve been
trained to make nice. But the whole kiss-and-
make-up thing just to keep the peace was
eating me up inside. I’d let things build up
inside me until I just exploded. Now I wait a
while to get hold of myself — let the emotions settle a bit — and state my position. Even if that
means reopening the fight the next day.” MARRIAGE TRUTH #4
You will go without s*x — sometimes for a
long time — and that’s okay There are few men in the Western world sexier
than my husband. And I don’t say this because
I know he may read this article. I’ve seen
women checking him out when they think I’m
not looking. (Honestly, ladies, you don’t have
to sneak a peek. I don’t mind if you stare.) That said, there are times that I just don’t feel like
having s*x — often for reasons that have
nothing to do with Genoveso. (See? Even his
name is sexy.) I can’t lie and say this is always
okay with him. But the fact is, there are also
plenty of nights when he’s not in the mood. So maybe a few days go by when we don’t do it.
And then a few more. And…. Sexless periods are a natural part of married
life. A dry spell isn’t a sign that you’ve lost your
mojo or that you’ll never have s*x again. It just
means that maybe this week, sleep is more
important than s*x. (I don’t know about you,
but between work, 3 a.m. feedings, the PTA, soccer, T-ball, and everything else, I sometimes
crave sleep the way a pimply, hormonal
adolescent longs to cop a feel.) And don’t kid yourself; no one in America is
doing it as often as popular culture would have
you believe. Instead of worrying about how
much you think you “should” be having s*x,
keep the focus on figuring out your own
rhythm. “I used to think, What’s happened to us? We always used to be in the mood,” says
35-year-old Kim Henderson of Oakland, CA,
who’s been married for five years. “Now I
know better. Life happens. My husband just
started a new job. He has a long commute, and
we have two small children. I think we’re good.” The key is to make sure that even if you’re not
doing “it,” you’re still doing something —
touching, kissing, hugging. Personally, my
heart gets warm and mushy when my
husband rubs my feet after a long, tiring day.
He may not be anywhere near my center of gravity, but that little bit of touch and attention keeps us
connected even when we’re not having spine-
tingling s*x. MARRIAGE TRUTH #5
Getting your way is usually not as important as
finding a way to work together I can be a bit of a know-it-all. There, I said it.
It’s really not my intention to be hurtful or
brash with people I love. It’s just that a lifetime
of experience has taught me that in most
areas, at most times, I am right about most
things. What shocked me several years into my marriage, though, was the realization that the
more “right” I was, the more discontented my
husband and I were as a couple. See, oddly
enough, throughout his life Genoveso has
been under the misguided impression that he’s
right most of the time (go figure!). So we’d lock horns — often. That is, until I learned a few
things. Namely, that when it comes to certain
disagreements, there is no right or wrong —
there is simply your way of looking at things
and your husband’s. “I used to be very black-
and-white earlier in our marriage,” says Lindy
Vincent, 38, who lives in Minneapolis. “Now I see that I’m not all right and my husband is not
all wrong. There’s more gray in life than I
thought, and that’s taught me patience and the
value of compromise.” The more I get to know and appreciate my
husband for who he is, the more I respect his
positions. That doesn’t mean I always agree
with him. But I can see the value in striking a
balance that satisfies us both. And instead of
harping on how wrong he is, I can usually swallow the verbal vitriol and simply say
something like, “I see your point” or “I hadn’t
considered that.” After I sincerely
acknowledge his view, it seems to become
easier for him to hear mine. And because I
know I’m being heard, most of the time now, I don’t even want to prove how right I am
anymore. Funny how that works, isn’t it? MARRIAGE TRUTH #6
A great marriage doesn’t mean no conflict; it
simply means a couple keeps trying to get it
right Maybe you think that because of my newfound
wisdom, Genoveso and I never fight anymore.
Ha! As important as it is to strike a balance, it’s
also important to have a big, fat fight every
now and then. Because when you fight, you
don’t just raise your voices; you raise real — sometimes buried — issues that challenge you
to come to a clearer understanding of you,
your man, and your relationship. I wouldn’t
give up our fights for anything in the world,
because I know in the end they won’t break
us; they’ll only make us stronger. MARRIAGE TRUTH #7
You’ll realize that you can only change yourself Ever seen the ’80s sci-fi cult classic Making Mr.
Right? When the stylish heroine, played by Ann
Magnuson, is hired to teach a robot how to act
like a human, she seizes the chance to create a
perfect guy. A hotshot commercial whiz, she
uses her marketing prowess to shape John Malkovich’s android character into her
personal version of the ideal man — sensitive,
eager to please, and willing to listen. There is a bit of that makeover fantasy in all of
us — something that makes us believe we can
change the person we love, make him just a
little bit closer to perfect. We may use support
and empathy or shouts and ultimatums, but
with dogged conviction we take on this huge responsibility, convinced we’re doing the right
thing. Whatever our motives, the effort is exhausting.
Transforming a full-grown man — stripping
him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and
idiosyncrasies — is truly an impossible task.
And you will come to realize, sooner than later
if you’re lucky, that it is far easier to change the way you respond to him. MARRIAGE TRUTH #8
As you face your fears and insecurities, you will
find out what you’re really made of I’ve got issues. Trust issues. Control issues. And
others, I’m sure, that I’ve yet to fully discover. I
guess I’ve always known I wasn’t perfect. But
in more than a decade of marriage, I’ve been
smacked upside the head with the cold, hard
evidence. There were clues when Genoveso and I were
dating, especially with the trust thing. Early on,
I was supersuspicious of him. He used to say
things like, “I’ll call you at 8.” Then, just to try to
trip me up, he’d call at 8. I knew he was up to
something, I just couldn’t figure out what. The same kinds of experiences followed after the
wedding. Except occasionally he would
actually mess up. And I had no sense of scale
when it came to rating his offenses; everything
was a major violation. Whether he teased me
about a new haircut or came home late, I seethed for days and even let thoughts of
divorce creep into my head. I figured, if he
loved me — really and truly — this stuff
wouldn’t happen. I’d like to be able to say that this irrational
behavior lasted only a few months and I
eventually worked it out. Kind of, sort of, is
closer to the truth. After years of looking
deeply into my soul and talking to good
friends and the best sister a girl could ever have, I’ve come to recognize certain things
about myself. Not to get all Dr. Phil about it, but
I’ve had to examine my history with an
emotionally distant dad and a strong-willed
mom and face up to all the ways, both good
and bad, that those relationships have affected how I approach my marriage. I still struggle as a work in progress. But I am
completely clear in the knowledge that many
of the deepest frustrations in your relationship
are an opportunity for you to confront
yourself. That can be difficult to accept — after
all, it’s so much more comforting to keep a running tab of your hubby’s deficits and tell
yourself that his failings are the only thing
standing between you and a better marriage.
But if you let it, this bumpy journey toward self-
awareness can be one of the more fulfilling
rewards of a committed, long-term relationship — you’ll learn to love your quirks and be
compassionate toward yourself, just as you’re
learning to do with him. That’s the strange beauty of marriage: It’s full
of hard times and hard lessons that no one can
ever prepare you for. But in the end, those are
the things that give richness to your life
together — and make your love even deeper
and stronger than when it began.

Awesome!

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yolanda233: Raziboi, send your address so I may invite you to chair my sister, s wedding in January! Serious, send it to mynemail cieba777@yahoo.com
Younger simply great

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True talk. Many girls need this. Marriage now sems to be a do or die tin. 'I must wed b4 my friend' even @ d age of 20,21..............@ dat stage dey won't consider alldis