Chapter 1 - THE SETTING

I can’t even believe I am writing this book. But after incessant and constant harassment from my boys, Arthur, Perry, and John, I knew this story had to be told. This is not one of those books that claim to be expert at a subject; neither is it a book out to discredit or validate anyone’s ideas, opinion or believes. The objective of this book is to share with you the secrets of how I came to choose my wife and hopefully you will learn a thing or two that may assist in your decision choosing that special someone. Is it not funny that there is every book under the sun that tells a woman how to maneuver relationships with men but yet none outside of the religious realm exists to advise a man how to choose the right wife? Why is there a discrepancy? An annoying discrepancy that generally assumes that one solution fits all when it comes to men choosing a life partner?


Hello Ladies! I got news for you. Men will now also play the ‘decoding’ game and this book starts the journey here on end. I can hear many of you beautiful sisters anguish, hiss and hate on me right now because you want to retain that monopoly. But please hold your fire until you peruse or read to the very end and I promise you, like many of my ex’s, you will come to the conclusion that what I have shared is beneficial to you equally. I know you will thank me later…………My ex’s did.


Yes, I am married to a beautiful damsel called Tanya, but before choosing Tanya as my rightful partner and wife, there had been dates with Janet, Julie, Andrea, Keisha, Tonya, Selena, Karen, and Lolita. Though all beautiful in their own right, they failed to win my heart having failed at one hurdle or the other during scrutiny. Without scrutiny, I would have thrown caution to the wind like most men and marry any one of these beautiful girls without good reason for doing so other than she is beautiful, gives good sex and my friends think I’m with a hot chick. This ludicrous way of choosing a wife is equivalent to crossing ones fingers and hoping for the best. I feel this is the primary reason my friends Arthur, Perry, and John are having marital problems and debating the dreaded D word.


Growing up as in London, I was forced to take cognizance of conjugal relationships from an early age, I think at around six years old, mainly because of my parent’s quickie divorce. That impending separation gave me my first feeling of hopelessness and helplessness. Subsequently not long after, like a roll call, I witnessed my aunts and uncles on both sides go through unavoidable and protracted divorces. This is a painful memory for me and set me on a trajectory that will forever guide my thoughts, steps and processes. These experiences quickly cultivated an emotional and intuitive side of my being that otherwise may have remained dormant forever.


My adorable parents loved education and made sure I was literate by putting the fear of God in me. They made me so fearful of getting D’s and F’s I literally developed the fear of failure, a good thing though because it would later propel my success in life. Unbeknownst to them I wasn’t studying because of the big corporate jobs they always envisaged for me, I was more afraid of the perorate and lampooning that followed each time I came home with anything less than a B. Alright, enough said of my early childhood, I hope you have through my eyes grasped enough information about my background to enable you appreciate why I approached the subject of ‘choosing a wife’ with military precision complemented by an analytical and engineering mind.


As soon as I turned sixteen, a pretty girl whispered into my ear in the school library. There I was smiling sheepishly at the opportunity of a first date, to which I nodded affirmatively. The library did appear as an odd place for her to ask me out, especially considering I had sat next to her earlier in music lesson. But this was not the moment to try understanding her thinking or rational, I was just going to relish and enjoy the anxiety and excitement that goes with going on a first date.


I don’t want to divulge this girls name because I dated her simply because I wanted to act or pretend to be a gentleman. She wouldn’t have been my first choice had I been blessed with natural confidence at 16, but saying no to her in the library would have made for an awkward situation for her, primarily because we took the same classes, and more so because we had friends in common.


I convinced myself and indulged in the relationship, and while I was enjoying and using it as a study guide on women, she was on the other hand using the relationship to dream. This was weird because by the second month of dating, she had projected us into our mid-thirties, floating around somewhere in the globe with two kids, a dog and a mortgage. The dog, I didn’t mind, but two kids and a mortgage! I’ll pass for now. This is no lie; she had the whole thing, pictures and all, documented in her journal and every time I confronted her, she laughed it off.
I was by no means a saint myself; I was guilty of writing too. I had penned my observation of her reaction to many random situations. Like how she viewed the world and certain people, what fuelled her desires, her creativity, her likes and dislikes, etc. I sometimes deliberately create situations just so I can document her reaction. At the time I did not know this was going to be the basis for formulation of ‘THE PROCESS’ which I will explain in greater detail later on in this book. Suffice to say our relationship lasted until the end of high school after which I decided to end it rather than watch it die a natural death due to lack of care on my part.


Exposure to dating at that early age confirmed what I always believed. That being married to the wrong person is synonymous to being in prison or captivity and the only way out was going to be equivalent to a jailbreak with casualty. Casualty doesn’t have to be in the form of physical violence or physical harm, but could take many forms including emotional distraught, financial ruin, etc.


Another important thing I took away from early dating and relationships was that women choose men they want to marry, even though traditionally men initiate relationships, but ultimately women choose who they want to settle with. Case in point, if a man wants to marry a girl, no matter what he does, how he professes his love, how many flowers, shopping trips, chocolates he can afford, ultimately the woman has to choose him, she has to say yes or else the man is just loitering. Women are positively calculating how good a man will be for marriage. They weigh the whole package, they decode men; will he be a provider, will he be faithful, will he be loving, will he be good company, not necessary in that or any order, but women are deep and thorough before accepting in their mind that they can see themselves spending the rest of their lives with this person. Men on the other hand are visual pickers and that’s where we need to change. We need to change that fast; we need to do as much decoding as women. It’s not enough that she has a pretty face and a nice ass; our focus should be away from the vessel, we need to concentrate on the content of the vessel.