I just replied to a post about a really cool husband who takes a very active part in the raising of his children.I think its really nice when a man chips in to help his wife around the house both with the kids and also with household chores.But i have noticed that the naija husbands that live abroad are more prone to this attitude than their brothers back home.

I have noticed over the years when i used to stay over with couples abroad,you find the husband seeing nothing wrong in cooking,cleaning doing the laundry and even bathing for and feeding the kids.But those ones at home just carry on as if the woman is superwoman(my father and most of the males in my family are guilty of this).

I guess it's the enviroment and  maybe the fact that domestic helps cost an arm and a leg.
I have decided that if my hubby refuses to help me with the kids,we will get an aupair which HE would have to pay for(to be fair sha he does help around the house now,at least far better than my Dad)Gosh my father is one example of someone i never wanted to marry when it comes to domestics, HAA the man is or should i say was a DISASTER.

Very true. I do all of the above and more. That's just the way of life around here. the responsibilities of raising the children and doing house chores have to be shared. And, as you pointed out, domestic help is outrageously expensive! Heck! we already pay a lot of money for day care and before/after school care. This attitude also carries over even when folks move back home.

Not necessarily true, my husband has been in Europe seven years now and his brothers even more, to date, they openly refuse to lift a finger.

They expect their wives to do it all (naija or non) to do it all and work 9-5.

Leilah:

Not necessarily true, my husband has been in Europe seven years now and his brothers even more, to date, they openly refuse to lift a finger.

They expect their wives to do it all (naija or non) to do it all and work 9-5.

I know but all i am saying is that those that abroad do so more than those that live back home.I remember some time back,we had like a mini intro where all my husband's family who lived abroad came with the ones at home(he is an orphan) to meet my parents,After eating all the ones from yonder picked up their plates and made their way to the kitchen despite protests from my mom.Just show they see nothing wrong in washing thier plates but all those naija ones jsut dropped the plates and were waiting for water to wash their hands.

why wouldnt they be when they are afraid of the CPS

some of them learn the western culture when they are outside nigeria and find it very normal helping their wife at home while some still hold on to nigeria culture.

Well, I think our culture has a lot to do with it. I grew up as the only boy in my family amongst several female sisters and aunties so therefore never had to go into the kitchen.

The system (including the husband's mom unfortunately) will think you have been jazzed when ur doing the dishes back at home. You might not believe this, but even enlightened men come here and look at you funny when ur cleaning the house.

You have to be careful with what you do in the presence of your mom or she'll think ur wife has fed you some funny vegetables with butt juice.

Also, dont forget labour is extremely cheap back home - there's a maid for each child, one dedicated to carrying the bags and several others to clean the house. So the men end up having to do anything other than think about money.

So, ultimately it is due to our culture - which is part of what's killing us. Corruption too is part of our culture.

kokoye:

Well, I think our culture has a lot to do with it. I grew up as the only boy in my family amongst several female sisters and aunties so therefore never had to go into the kitchen. 

The system (including the husband's mom unfortunately) will think you have been jazzed when ur doing the dishes back at home. You might not believe this, but even enlightened men come here and look at you funny when ur cleaning the house.

You have to be careful with what you do in the presence of your mom or she'll think ur wife has fed you some funny vegetables with butt juice.

Lol I think it depends on the family. If the mother raised the son to do stuff in the kitchen she wouldnt be surprised by seeing him do such things in his matrimonial home

These's no right or wrong in this anyway. It's all about culture and environment/society

@ Topic
Aww, you are so gonna get you head bitten off! Don't use Domesticated. . . makes 'em sound like dogs, use enlightened as opposed to stuck in the mud, belligerent, tantrum throwing, it's my way or the high way men we have at home and sometimes abroad.

so a man will help until his momma comes right? that is hypocrite. continue to be helpful to your wife even with momma being around.

karma, lol i think they are afraid too. you know if you refuse to help your wifey then quarrel start. she then gives you a good sacasm which made you slap her in the front of the kids. ha! off too the phone to dial 911 you are in soup obe ata ni

Make una see me see trouble with this domestication wahala again qua.

Ordinary cooking, doing the dishes and taking care of the children is a problem for Nigerian women both abroad a.k.a butter and homebased a.k.a local.
Why should a man be domesticated?? Are we animals?? Why not castrate us while you are at it.

You women had better come to terms with your God given responsibilities.

Men=Make money
Women=Every other thing.

Okija_juju:

Make una see me see trouble with this domestication wahala again qua.

Ordinary cooking, doing the dishes and taking care of the children is a problem for Nigerian women both abroad a.k.a butter and homebased a.k.a local.
Why should a man be domesticated?? Are we animals?? Why not castrate us while you are at it.

You women had better come to terms with your God given responsibilities.

Men=Make money
Women=Every other thing.

Instead of this sermon, wouldnt it have been better to just tell the OP she used the wrong word?

@post
true that.
I feel that naija men at home are too stuck up with the "I'm the king of my castle" sh*t. abegi, we're in the 21st cent.
A king can still be domesticated, earns him respect and long term kingship.

The lazy ones are just. . . .just. . . .ugh!

omoge:

so a man will help until his momma comes right? that is hypocrite. continue to be helpful to your wife even with momma being around.

karma, lol i think they are afraid too. you know if you refuse to help your wifey then quarrel start. she then gives you a good sacasm which made you slap her in the front of the kids. ha! off too the phone to dial 911 you are in soup obe ata ni

911 IS THE ONLY REASON WHY MOST 9JA MEN ABROAD DO HELP THEIR WIFE, THEY ARE SCARED NOT TO HAVE A FIGHT WITH THEIR WIFE OVER THIS ISSUE, OR ELSE A REAL 9JA MAN WILL NEVER HELP HIS WIFE AT HOME.

MY PARENTS WERE ONCE IN THIS CATEGORY.

IN THOSE DAYS, A 9JA MAN WILL GO MAKING MONEY FOR HIS FAMILY WHY HIS WIFE TAKES CARE OF THE HOME,

IF UR HUBBY NO HELP U AND THIS RESULT TO FIGHT TELL ME WHERE YOU GO SEE 911 CALL FOR 9JA

THE THING NO GO FIT STOP BUT I THINK SAY MAJORITY OF DEM DON DEY PUT EFFORT TO HELP.

MODERN 9JA WOMEN DO WORK SO THIS SYSTEM DOES NO LONGER EXIST.

TRY HELP IN DOMESTIC MY 9JA MEN.

*Morenike:

@post
true that.
I feel that naija men at home are too stuck up with the "I'm the king of my castle" sh*t. abegi, we're in the 21st cent.
A king can still be domesticated, earns him respect and long term kingship.

The lazy ones are just. . . .just. . . .ugh!

We are the king, the boss and the lord of our castle.
Now listen, this might be the 21st century, but you had better get with the program. My great grandmums did it, my grand mum did it, my mum did it. So I see no reason why you cant.

Women of this generation are just plain lazy, and then they try to hide behind the gender equality curtain to make it look lije our fault.

It is a Man's world, If you get a "domesticated" man you are lucky, but dont expect us all to roll over and play bitch.

what's with this fascination with "domesticated" sissies who happen to possess a pe nis?

Okija_juju:


We are the king, the boss and the lord of our castle.
Now listen, this might be the 21st century, but you had better get with the program. My great grandmums did it, my grand mum did it, my mum did it. So I see no reason why you can't.

Women of this generation are just plain lazy, and then they try to hide behind the gender equality curtain to make it look lije our fault.

It is a Man's world, If you get a "domesticated" man you are lucky, but don't expect us all to roll over and play bitch.

The last mistake you'll want to make is to get me wrong.

Ok, listen up! I'm not encouraging women to be lazy, or women to ignore their "duty" as a wife/mother just because of their job. That's not issue here.

The point I'm trying to make is that men can still help their women. Nothing wrong with them helping out once in a while, like, bath the kids, take the kids to school, clean up after themselves. I mean, don't just leave the towel on the floor after bathing, don't just expect his wife to cook for him every time.

Sure, men love to believe themselves kings and boss of their castle. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.
But the king does not sit on his throne and does nothing.
Tell me, what does a king do?

Plapp,

you know they are quick temper when it comes to talking with a woman and hate sarcasm

Very funny - domesticated you call them? or foolish and made to do what they ordinarily wont dare to do at home in Nigeria/

Okija_juju:


We are the king, the boss and the lord of our castle.
Now listen, this might be the 21st century, but you had better get with the program. My great grandmums did it, my grand mum did it, my mum did it. So I see no reason why you can't.

Women of this generation are just plain lazy, and then they try to hide behind the gender equality curtain to make it look lije our fault.

It is a Man's world, If you get a "domesticated" man you are lucky, but don't expect us all to roll over and play bitch.

How does a woman working 9 to 5 and carrying the brunt of the housework when she gets home make her lazy?
The same way guys use the "it's a man's world" notion to justify their laziness right?

*Morenike:

The last mistake you'll want to make is to get me wrong.

O.k now forgive me if it sounded like I got you wrong. But I also think you have also got me wrong.

Let me use moi for example.
I love to cook. I not a fan of cleaning, but cooking and dishes are no problems for me. I am also very good with kids. Now although I have no problems doing these things, I'll be damned if a woman tries to make it my duty to do these around the house.
If a man willingly opts to do these things, no problem. But women should stop expecting us to add these chores to our list of things to do, if we dont do them it shoud be no big deal.

"A domesticated man" How does that sound to your ears??

Tell me, what does a king do?

A king does not have to do anything. Thats why he is king.

omoge:

Plapp,

you know they are quick temper when it comes to talking with a woman and hate sarcasm

Did you just mistakingly describ women?? Or do you honestly think men are quick tempered.

syren:

How does a woman working 9 to 5 and carrying the brunt of the housework when she gets home make her lazy?
The same way guys use the "it's a man's world" notion to justify their laziness right?

You see the thing here is simple. If I have a family were my wife is also a part bread winner, then it is only fair that I help out around the house but only at my discretion. Dont forget that we had grandmothers who worked farms the size of estates and still kept the house in order without nagging their husbands about any chores.
All I am saying is if the man willingly helps out, then there is no problem. If you can persuade your husband to do the chores, then you are lucky, BUT I repeat, NO MAN _{(Talking bout those men that provide money, food and shelter)} SHOULD HAVE TO DO ANY CHORES AOUND THE HOUSE IF HE DOSENT FEEL LIKE IT.

And my Dear you best beleive it "IT IS A MANS WORLD". If that makes us lazy, then so be it.

There should be a govt funded workshop in Nigeria to help DOMESTICATE men living in that country.

Okija_juju:

O.k now forgive me if it sounded like I got you wrong. But I also think you have also got me wrong.

Let me use moi for example.
I love to cook. I not a fan of cleaning, but cooking and dishes are no problems for me. I am also very good with kids. Now although I have no problems doing these things, I'll be damned if a woman tries to make it my duty to do these around the house.
If a man willingly opts to do these things, no problem. But women should stop expecting us to add these chores to our list of things to do, if we don't do them it shoud be no big deal.

And that's where you got the poster wrong.
My idea of a domesticated man is not one that takes over my house work, but one that tries to help and makes sure there's order in the house.

Okija_juju:

"A domesticated man" How does that sound to your ears??

sounds sweet.

Okija_juju:

A king does not have to do anything. Thats why he is king.

And you dare to call some women lazy?
A king that does nothing to bring order into his castle loses his castle.

Okija_juju:

Did you just mistakingly describ women?? Or do you honestly think men are quick tempered.

lol generalization is a b****, so let me say MOST naija men are quick tempered.
They're like angry screaming apes most of the time.
Seriously,I'd so love it if Naija men learn to deal with their temper.

Morenike, thank you. honestly that temper flares is when women are involve

they don't raise their voice when talking to men like them.

okija, am talking abt nigerian men

I don't think a country has cornered the market on dominance. The fact that a man is dominant doesn't pertain to where he is living  -  It depends on individual personality

There are plenty caribbean men who feel the need to hold power over their women whether at home or abroad.

Women should not be intimadated by men.  TO THE WOMEN, I SAY RISE UP

Deepzone, no need for workshop for them.

a good police system is enough. . . this will make them just chill out when that temper run amok (remembering the police like they remember here)

Cayon:

Women should not be intimadated by men. TO THE WOMEN, I SAY RISE UP

Is this a civil rights movement?lol
But seriously,
some loose women need to clean their acts up.
In my short time in this forum I have already been approached by a woman who sent me her pictures and private phone number.Because i said i would pay her a large sum of money for sex.
How disappointing.
Isn't that pulling back all that people have worked for?

Pap:

Is this a civil rights movement?lol
But seriously,
some loose women need to clean their acts up.
In my short time in this forum I have already been approached by a woman who sent me her pictures and private phone number.Because i said i would pay her a large sum of money for sex.
How disappointing.
Isn't that pulling back all that people have worked for?

A woman selling her body for money is more like prostitution.  Prostitution is a federal Crime and I hope you are not encouraging it.  I guess some women become prostitutes out of poverty, and the lack of other opportinuties, some do it because they like it, I suppose. there's probably a variety of reasons however, i still ask myself WHY do prostitution. The risk of AIDS.

I love strong black women (like me ).  A strong black woman is one that holds her head up high in the face of opposition, and presses through adversity.  So all these women who are whinning about their men treat them bad, they have to do all the cooking while the husband lie in bed, hit them  blah blah blah. . . . is just beyond silly excuses.

I don't depend on no man.  I was taught to work hard to get what I want.  I must admit that my mom bought my first house when i was in college but everything else I work my ass off for it.

Maybe that's why guys are intimidated by me . 


Still I Rise -Maya Angelou
   

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

very interesting posts on this topic, sorry could not contribute to the hot debate yesterday; always too lazy to go on the internet when i get home after staring at a computer screen all day.

Back to the topic at hand,i guess my use of the word 'domesticated' was a liitle too far fetched so should probably replace with adjectives like 'helpful','caring','sensitive';need i go on. My post did not in anyway indicate that a man should take over the domestic duties in the house,i just said i noticed that the naija men living abroad tend to support their wives with help around the house than their brothers back home.I personally would not want my hubby to take over the running of the house as there are some of his housekeeping principles i dont agree with eg'We can always wash the plates tomorow morning'(i hate dirty plates in my sink urgh )

All i was simply trying to say was that it would not only be thoughtful but also Godly for men to sometimes help with chores around the house when you see that your wife is overwhelmed.Even with labour being cheap in nigeria and all,there are times people get stranded eg when the househelp travels for christmas.I remember when my aunty had her second baby was when the househelp decided to run away and gosh was she stressed out, with taking care of the older child,baby and even the big one that is her huisband.and she was on maternity leave, so imagine if she had to go to work as well.There is nothing unmanly about a man giving a helping hand when his wife is overwhelmed.especially if is she is a co-breadwinner(if there is such a word).But no,it is beneath them to bath 'their' child.

I remeber when we were much younger and had no helps for some time,my mom used to sleep at 12 am and be awake at 4am to get everybody ready for school and work.when she got back at 5(my dad used to get back at 7 so there was not much difference),she would make dinner,which would be more difficult cos of my dad(we would have happily eaten bread or something easy to prepare),so she would launch into making amala,ewedu,fresh fish stew.During that period,she would be helping me and my younger ones with our homeowrk and sorting out our socks,uniforms and the rest.After that she would then set about cleaning up the rooms cos she was and still is a neat freak.She would then probably sit down like 10pm to eat the food she made of which her appetite would already be gone.Now tell me why could'nt my Dad help?Yeah we always had helps but could he not see at that point that she was overwhelmed?Why could he not sort the socks,uniform and help with homework?

The point is his mindset was and still is a man should not do housework.As hard as my mom has tried to raise my brother otherwise,my dad is a bad role model.He will continually grumble when he is told to do anything saying 'but daddy does not do anyything',even some stupid relatives would even scold my mom for trying to train him right by saying'dont u know he is a man?'.But my mom argues that she wants him to make a helpful husband later in life.

My husband's mom though late,made sure she raised them the same way as their sister and made sure they did their share of housework.Maybe because she had more boys,i cant say but i know that this has really helped as he and his brothers are indeed very helpful around the house.I intend to be the same and raise my male children to help out in the house and not see housework as work solely meant for women.

_{See irony o it is this my same father that wants me to be a career woman and not let anything hinder my career.I wonder how i wont die of exhaustion if my hubby is like him}.

@ Cayon
Your post was too long.I didn't read through it.
But instead of glorifying your internet achievements here, why don't you offer some real time suggestions to the ladies who are facing opposition and adversity.

No write-ups please.
Cheers and God Bless.

True.

In d UK, househelps r expensive & if d men don't want their women to die of overworking, they have to help them.