Her wedding day was one of happiness and merry making. But that was a few years ago when Wunmi Oyediji was still in love. Fast forward eight years and you have a completely different story from the sweet romance that led Oyediji to the altar.

Her marriage to Damilare had so much promise, but her hope of a blissful union gradually faded into a living hell before her eyes, albeit a silent one since her frustrations are being bottled up. Oyediji’s constant source of worry is her husband.

Oyediji, a banker with a reasonable income, met Damilare when he was working in an IT firm in Lagos. But shortly after their marriage, Damilare lost his job and has had none since then, except for the mostly futile hustling he does at the Computer Village, Ikeja, Lagos State capital. The village is Nigeria’s IT hub.

For over five years, Oyediji has been shouldering the financial responsibilities at home like paying their children’s school fees, feeding and clothing the family.

Twice, she has tried to set up business for her husband and twice he has been unable to account for the money invested in the businesses. On several occasions, Oyediji has caught Damilare cheating on her and on a few other instances suspected him of attempting to dupe her.

“It’s just like he’s contented with the situation because he has since stopped looking for job or trying to take care of his responsibilities at home. If I ask him for any money, he will say ‘shebi you have money, go and do it now,’” she told Saturday PUNCH.

“Over a year ago, I gave him over N1.5m to get some equipment from overseas which he said he would sell at the Computer Village. Till now, he insists the goods have not arrived in Nigeria and each time I ask, he keeps giving different reasons. Some months ago, he asked for another N300,000 to clear some issues causing the delay in bringing in the goods but I didn’t believe him; so I didn’t give him.

“Earlier, I had given him about N1m for another project but nothing also came out of that one. I know he also cheats on me because I go through his phones but he always denies it. In spite of everything I do for him, he still connives with my mechanic to increase the cost of auto parts so that he can take cuts. ”

However, Oyediji is not considering divorce or separating from Damilare yet for a few reasons including the fear of raising their children without a father figure.

“Apart from the fact that I don’t want to raise the children as a single parent, I also don’t want my marriage to fail. People will say the marriage failed because I’m richer than my husband and that’s why I’m not submissive to him. But that’s far from the truth. Some of my friends wonder if I’ve been charmed but those are the reasons I don’t want a divorce,” she said.

In many of such cases, the women suffer in silence because of a range of reasons including the stigma and the cultural issues associated with divorce. In Nigeria, divorce is frowned at culturally and so divorcees often have a hard time getting someone to remarry.

New trend?

Findings by Saturday PUNCH show that what Oyediji is going through appears to be increasingly becoming common in marriages, which goes against a culture of having men as predominantly breadwinners in homes.

Although many people blame the situation on the country’s socio-economic situation, which has thrown more men out of job, findings show that more men these days appear to be content with abdicating their responsibilities at home to their women.

However, this is not to say that some men in such circumstances are not genuinely working hard to provide for their families. But even such efforts have been described as little by a cross section of respondents who spoke with our correspondent.

Some of the respondents said the way the girl-child is often saddled with more domestic responsibilities than the male-child toughens and helps her to cope better with life challenges than the male child.

Indeed, most of the parents who spoke with our correspondent said they are more likely to send their female children on errands than their males. And often times, while the female child is being sent on multiple errands, the male child is sitting idle or clutching to his video game.

In the United States of America, a research by the Prudential Financial Group already found that over half of the country’s women are primary breadwinners in their households- 53 per cent precisely.

The research further “shows that 40 per cent of these women are either single or divorced and support themselves entirely, while 22 per cent of married women earn more than their husbands.”

Another recent study carried out in the US by Pew Research tracking back 50 years seems to confirm the trend. The research also shows a recent record share of wives being more educated than their husbands.

The report acknowledged that it used to be more common for husbands to have more education than their wives but that for the first time, the share of couples in which the wife is the one marrying a man with a lower level of education is higher than those in which the husband has more education.

For instance, the report stated that “among married women in 2012, 21 per cent had spouses who were less educated than they were—a threefold increase from 1960,” according to a new Pew Research Centre analysis of census data.

A sociologist, Mr. Monday Ashibogwu of the Republic Media Limited in a phone conversation with Saturday PUNCH, identified Kenya in East Africa as also having a high number of women breadwinners in households.

“It’s even worse off in Kenya where there is a high prevalence of lazy men who will not do anything and wait on women because a lot of their women are very industrious,” he said.

Looking at similar situations in Nigeria, the case of Mr. David Popoola comes to the light.

Like Damilare, Popoola was into IT until his business crashed about five years ago. Since then, he has depended on his wife, Funke, who manages a thriving catering business in Lagos.

Since losing his job, Popoola has had a few job offers, but he turned them all down for one reason or the other each time an offer came. The latest one came when Popoola rejected a job offer by the Lagos State Traffic Management Authority, facilitated by his uncle.

This attitude infuriated Funke and her appeals to get Popoola to work have so far been shunned by him.

In an informal interaction with Popoola by our correspondent, he revealed he had turned down the latest job offer because he felt the job did not befit his status.

“The job is beneath me. Can you imagine me doing a LASTMA job with my master’s degree? He said.

Funke, however, explained that she has been providing for the home and paying the children’s school fees, singlehandedly, for five years.

A source close to the family also shared with our correspondent how Popoola wondered why there was so much fuss over his decision to wait for his dream job.

“He told me that after all, he’s been supporting the home since by taking care of the kids when his wife is at work. His wife is tired of the whole thing, but she’s enduring it because she doesn’t want to go through divorce,” the source said.

Like Popoola, Mr. Akpan, who is also jobless, has been taking care of the home while his wife, Gloria, is at work.

Gloria, a director in the Federal Capital Territory, Abuja, has been embarrassed by her husband’s situation.

Akpan, a chartered accountant was a banker until he resigned some years ago after a recapitalisation policy by the Central Bank of Nigeria led to mergers which affected his bank.

His complaint was that a younger worker was being put above him as his superior.

After a few months of searching for job, Akpan got another one but resigned six months later, citing a similar excuse. In all, Akpan has resigned from three jobs before deciding that he was no longer interested in working for anyone.

Since Akpan’s last job in 2008, he has been relying on his wife to carry out the financial responsibilities in the home.

Gloria told our correspondent that in addition to such responsibilities, she has had to constantly upgrade her husband to keep up with her status as a senior federal civil servant.

“I buy him cars and give him money because it will be shameful for the husband of a director to look wretched. The situation bothers me but what can I do? It’s my cross,” she said.

Tolulope, who is from a rich family, met her husband in church. They courted briefly before getting married 10 years ago. Shortly after the marriage, Tolulope realised that Daniel was not a comfortable businessman he had claimed to be. He always insists that Gloria, a banker, is earning more than him and should therefore foot the bills in the house.

Tolulope said she has grown tired of shouldering all the financial responsibilities at home, but does not know what to do.

She said, “He doesn’t do anything at home. We used to share our children’s tuition fees between us but after some time, he stopped paying. He said after all, I was earning more than him.

“I never really knew him before we got married because the marriage was arranged in our church. He gave me the impression that he was responsible and had a comfortable job. It was later that I got to know that he wasn’t a businessman as he had claimed.

“Sometimes, he would not come home. He would say he had one business to attend to but none of the businesses ever brought in money for the family. So I knew he must have been cheating on me. I went through his phone one day and saw a text message from someone claiming to be pregnant for him. He denied and swore to me that he knew nothing about it.

“I don’t mind putting down more money at home, I just want him to be putting something down too even if it’s only N5,000. I bought him a car when he complained about taking public transport.

“He gets jealous every time he sees me with any man and if he asks for money and I don’t give him, he gets very violent. The painful part was that he beats me in the presence of our children.”

But interestingly, the trend is not peculiar to the country’s educated class alone. It cuts across all strata of the society.

For example, a sample carried out in major markets in Lagos shows a scenario similar to the ones earlier highlighted.

A lot of the women at Ketu and Mile 12 markets in Lagos are travellers from adjoining states like Oyo, Ogun, Osun and Kwara, sending money home for the upkeep of their families.

One of the these traders from Oke-Ogun area of Oyo State, identified herself as Mrs. Ramota.

Ramota said though she labours everyday to send money home to her family, reports getting back to her concerning her husband had been unpleasant.

“In spite of all I do to feed my husband and four children, travelling up and down, I hear that he cheats on me whenever I’m not around. And he doesn’t do anything. He always waits for me to send money,” she said.

The Books frown at it

Speaking on the issue, a Muslim cleric, Prof. Ishaq Akintola, said that the Quran specified that the man should provide for his home and not the woman.

He said, “The Quran says the man should be the breadwinner. That is according to Quran Chapter 4 verses 24-27. There is nothing wrong if the woman is empowered. If she can work, she should be allowed to work. The Quran says that men have reward for their work and women too have reward for what they do.”

Also, Pastor Seyi Adeyemi, the senior pastor of the Worship Centre and Apostolic Church, Oregun, Lagos, said the “Bible is very clear with regards to the responsibilities of a man in a home as the breadwinner.”

He continued, “The Bible clearly states that whosoever does not provide for his home has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel. It is not out of place to have a situation whereby the woman who is supposed to be a helper but blessed to be equally as buoyant probably because of the work she is doing, stands to bridge the gap in the time of challenges. The man may have lost his job or be going through some hard times.

“But it does not mean that the man should sit down and reverse the role established by God. The man should not become the househusband and leave the woman to go out and fend while he sits back idling away doing nothing and expecting the woman to bring everything. A man should find something to do, no matter how the situation may be.

“It is worse to be a beggar in your own home or sit down doing nothing when the woman is bringing in income. It is more dignifying for the husband to do something, even if it is small and earns little income than to be a dependant or a beggar in his home. Men should not take it for granted that since their wives are working or earning more, then they should now sit back.”

In her contribution, a marriage counsellor, Rev. Shade Toyin-Kehinde, agreed that the added responsibilities being given to the girl-child could be responsible for the perceived laziness in some men today. She, however, appealed to women going through such situations to shun divorce and seek counsel. She also advised young women in the process of making a choice for marriage “to pray, look well and also seek for counsel.”

She said, “Divorce is not an option; that a man is lazy is no grounds for divorce. He’s become your cross and you have to carry it. For such a woman, it is better to find a counsellor or somebody both of them respect. She can seek for counsel from such a person and it will be very helpful.

“A man that is full of ego will not want to listen if the woman is trying to encourage him; he may say she’s trying to control him because she is the one making the money or that people will say it’s his wife that is controlling him. So the woman needs a lot of wisdom.”

She also encouraged such men to do any legal work they can lay their hands on and not wait for the job that suits their desires when their options are limited.

“Some of our men like to wait for white collar jobs which are very scarce these days. So sit at home while the woman hawks around, trades, does everything , brings money and shamelessly, such a man will sit down and eat .

“Some of them have been sitting down for ages, some for 10 years and don’t see anything bad in it. It is very wrong. There are businesses and petty trading that a man can engage in and will still fetch money and he will still maintain his pride as the head of the home. Such men are ashamed to take any other job apart from the one they are looking for but are not ashamed to take money from their wives.”

She also encouraged counsellors and pastors to try to connect such men with opportunities that could help them become productive beyond the usual prayer and counselling sessions organised for affected couples.

However, Ashibogwu’s opinion is that the trend is not necessarily on the increase but that the situation is being brought to the fore more than before because of increasing access to data in the country.

He said, “Women are naturally more industrious. It has been the case for long. We are having more access to data, so it’s beginning to show that more women are more industrious than men.


http://www.punchng.com/feature/female-breadwinners-lament-we-slave-to-feed-our-househusbands-yet-we-cant-divorce-them/

Marriage cross. Sighs!

I have no empathy for some of the women. . . They saw it coming. When one because of societal pressures jump into marriage with any bum with a joystick, what do you expect?

I see some sistas downgrade themselves badly with the kind of "male species" they hang out with and I'm like wow, WTF is wrong?

As you make your bed, so shall you endure or enjoy it.

ifyalways: Marriage cross. Sighs!

I have no empathy for some of the women. . . They saw it coming. When one because of societal pressures jump into marriage with any bum with a joystick, what do you expect?

I see some sistas downgrade themselves badly with the kind of "male species" they hang out with and I'm like wow, WTF is wrong?

As you make your bed, so shall you endure or enjoy it.

isokay

Hmmmmmmm

The thing long oooo

And if u r in that situation dnt forget,

No condition is permanent.

When men learn things from women their own dey always pass lol.

For all the women in the interview they are more concerned with keeping up appearances than facing their problems head on.

I was telling someone here on nairaland that women who fund their families also get cheated on and abused, the third woman's story shows that.

We live all our lives to please others and avoid what others will say, we end up sad, miserable and very angry and bitter but that's our way. What people will say. At the end of your life you find that you never actually lives, enjoyed life or do what you wanted but then youe bones ate weak, money no dey, you are restricted to a bed lamenting and regretting wondering why you never said fuc- k you society and lived a life

The roles have really not been defined in these households. The man still thinks he's the head. The man must willingly accept his role as a househusband and the wife as the head of the household. The head of the household has to be firm on how money should be spent. The woman should not complain if the husband takes care of the home, the kids, cooks, and makes the house presentable. If you lose your job, kindly make yourself useful on the home front. That is why it takes two to make a marriage. When one falls, the roles can be reversed.

that is why I said humans are d most unpredictable beings on earth, u can not predict them at all. I pity her sha, this is not d end of the road but she can only see d good roads if she gets back her senses. what's with living with a man who is only not contributing to the family but who wants d family to go down. if u think u can endure all he is doing pls keep quiet and stop announcing how much u gave to him on each occasions u did

Most lazy and poor men are loved by women for initially they spend a lot of money on women making the women think they are rich.

Most lazy and poor men are loved by women for initially they spend a lot of money on women making the women think they are rich only for them to show their color later.

Haha.. cococandy, oya come see.

You're sure gonna love this after our misunderstanding the other day over the prevalence (or not) of househusbands.

I still stand by my opinion though... it's not a 'common occurrence' even though this article tries to pass it off as such.
However, the issue of 'some' women having a higher monthly gross income than their spouses is a lot easier to swallow, this I can agree on.

More females are financially empowered these days, so this is going to be a common scenario at some point.


In olden times the men would have had their farms or other endeavours.

However, the women mentioned should weigh their options- gigolos also don't come free.

In addition, the men ( husbands) should at least not allow satan to destroy their homes with all this cheating.

Madamosele kanwulia where are you?

anyway nothing to say because as my mother will say



AS YOU LAY YOUR BED SO YOU WILL LIE.if you marry a lazy man that's your headache. Keep being the man while the transgendered remains the housewife or figure head husband

Stillfire: The roles have really not been defined in these households. The man still thinks he's the head. The man must willingly accept his role as a househusband and the wife as the head of the household. The head of the household has to be firm on how money should be spent. The woman should not complain if the husband takes care of the home, the kids, cooks, and makes the house presentable. If you lose your job, kindly make yourself useful on the home front. That is why it takes two to make a marriage. When one falls, the roles can be reversed.

@emboldened, that is where most women in this situation get it completely wrong...which in turn is directly responsible for why a man married to one of such women begins to rebel and do things his wife may see as unappreciation.

How does being a househusband relinquish a man of his position as head of the household?
Is being the head of the house dependent solely on who brings the money/most money?

I cant begin to imagine how a full grown adult would wake up every day and not look for something to do. If the job is not befitting, why not relocate to one small town and do the job and go home weekends in a suit if you must show off? If his wife can afford a N24m car, would it be a crime for him to have one too? Or does dangote have two heads? Please, everyone is looking for who would pull them up not down.

If I had a husband , not handicapped and all he does is to sit his arse, does nothing but watch tv and wait for manna to land on his table, not even housework. na screw driver I go use burst his belly.

Not to talk of the one that would bring in mistress. Eh. I will draw the map of Europe for his Back and give him tattoo on his big Joe. Then kick him out.




Just kidding . But seriously, where did the African women learnt this theme. 'divorce is not an option ' . Na ebe kwanu. This one life wey I come after how many centuries that has passed. I never existed, and here am I...trying to enjoy myself before old age catch up with me na him person go wan kill me early. Lai lai. This is survival of the fittest. Kai! I dey kamkpe.

crackhaus:
@emboldened, that is where most women in this situation get it completely wrong...which in turn is directly responsible for why some men married to such a woman begin to rebel and do things that his wife sees as unappreciation.

How does being a househusband relinquish a man of his position as head of the household?
Is being the head of the house dependent solely on who brings the money/most money?

Please define the role of the Head of a family. ANYBODY WHO PLAYS THAT ROLE IN THE HOME, MALE OR FEMALE, IS THE HEAD. As a man who calls himself the head, are you to sit down and allow your wife play your role for you?

Sophyrocks:

Please define the role of the Head of a family. ANYBODY WHO PLAYS THAT ROLE IN THE HOME, MALE OR FEMALE, IS THE HEAD. As a man who calls himself the head, are you to sit down and allow your wife play your role for you?

Smh...
Are you married?
I have been seeing your post on issues like this regularly, I just can't help asking...

Anyway, back to the matter.
I think this nigga has never been a hustler...or there is how something will happen to you, you might end up not having any zeal to work. I don't want to say prayers(I don't like being over religious), the guy needs to see a counsellor,they both need to be counselled.

Sophyrocks:

Please define the role of the Head of a family. ANYBODY WHO PLAYS THAT ROLE IN THE HOME, MALE OR FEMALE, IS THE HEAD. As a man who calls himself the head, are you to sit down and allow your wife play your role for you?

in a nutshell, the main breadwinner/most income is the head?

SAMBARRY: Madamosele kanwulia where are you?

anyway nothing to say because as my mother will say



AS YOU LAY YOUR BED SO YOU WILL LIE.if you marry a lazy man that's your headache. Keep being the man while the transgendered remains the housewife or figure head husband

I dey hia o!
Back from work o Jare.
2 more nights to go!
BA wo ni?
Se da da ni?


Ermmmmm? My husband dey work o!
Every woman has the right to choose!
If I you are slaving to feed a man or woman. . . .
It is called CHOICE!

Kachisbarbie:
Smh...
Are you married?
I have been seeing your post on issues like this regularly, I just can't help asking...

I am not married. So? i believe the man is the Head. but being the head is all about the role you play in the family. Being the Head is not just a position like a president of a country. It is defined by responsibilities.

Sophyrocks:

I am not married. So? i believe the man is the Head. but being the head is all about the role you play in the family. Being the Head is not just a position like a president of a country. It is defined by responsibilities.

feminist saying the man is the head.. Please why should a man be the head, what makes him special than a woman?

Stillfire: The roles have really not been defined in these households. The man still thinks he's the head. The man must willingly accept his role as a househusband and the wife as the head of the household. The head of the household has to be firm on how money should be spent. The woman should not complain if the husband takes care of the home, the kids, cooks, and makes the house presentable. If you lose your job, kindly make yourself useful on the home front. That is why it takes two to make a marriage. When one falls, the roles can be reversed.

how come men don't cry out that they slave to feed their housewives. must women moan over everything? when women were asked to sit at home so men would bring the bacon - they screamed out that they are being marginalised or discriminated against.

now men are taking the backseat so that women can do what they have always wanted to do & yet they are still screaming that they are slaving to feed their husbands. which is which? feminism fought for 50 years to put women in this position, it would be heartbreaking if women are still not satisfied.

I was just reading this article on another website and I was just nodding to myself that it further buttresses the point Aisha made yesterday about women that still stay with cheating spouses regardless of their husbands socio-economic status.

I wonder why these women are still enabling their husbands though. Chai.

BABE3:

in a nutshell, the main breadwinner/most income is the head?

If you steal, what does that make you? A thief!! You can have the most income but cannot necessarily be the HEAD. That is why you see women who have the most income but still have husbands who holistically carry out their responsibilities regardless. if you provide for every single basic necessity of life in the home as required of a Head, what have you become? the Head!! You cannot be the Head and absolve yourself of all responsibilities attached to being the Head. Being the head is all about the roles you play.

BABE3:

feminist saying the man is the head.. Please why should a man be the head, what makes him special than a woman?

And since when diid i become a feminist? who gave you such an idea? is this thread about feminism or you are just being paranoid? why can't you just let go of feminism for just a second? why must everything be about feminism?

ladygogo:
I wonder why these women are still enabling their husbands though. Chai.

to save face. Some even lie to freinds and family that their husbands bought the cars, built the house, pays the kids' fees. They paint him as a 'perfect' husband to the world, but deep down they're dying.

It's a thing of shame for them; house husband kwa? Tufiakwa.

Sophyrocks:
And since when diid i become a feminist? who gave you such an idea? is this thread about feminism or you are just being paranoid? why can't you just let go of feminism for just a second? why must everything be about feminism?

So.men and women are not equal? If the man is the head, what does that make the woman? Tail or neck?

"Just kidding . But seriously, where did the African women learnt this theme. 'divorce is not an option ' . Na ebe kwanu. This one life wey I come after how many centuries that has passed. I never existed, and here am I...trying to enjoy myself before old age catch up with me na him person go wan kill me early. Lai lai. This is survival of the fittest. Kai! I dey kamkpe."




[/quote]


lol @ divorce is not an option when you are constantly being disrespected.

Sophyrocks:

I am not married. So? i believe the man is the Head. but being the head is all about the role you play in the family. Being the Head is not just a position like a president of a country. It is defined by responsibilities.

Ok...now I understand why your school of thought comes out very aggressive.

The Christian family Organogram :God the Father - God The Son - God the Holy Spirit - Husband - Wife - Children.
It's the responsibility of the man to provide leadership (1Corin 11:3)
-train the kids (prov 22:6)
-provide for the family (1Tim 5: 8 )

...but no matter how things may turn around, that Organogram set by God, shouldn't be changed. A man remains the head of the family, the woman may be the financial head...etc...BUT...she isn't the head of the family (Submission- Eph 5:22-24)

These women are still trying hard to put up a good picture to people around them, pampering the man, maybe that's why they are so comfortable lazing about.
There is the kind of 'polite insult' they should be giving him, that would make him sit up.

Sophyrocks:

Please define the role of the Head of a family. ANYBODY WHO PLAYS THAT ROLE IN THE HOME, MALE OR FEMALE, IS THE HEAD. As a man who calls himself the head, are you to sit down and allow your wife play your role for you?

Really Sophy, I can't believe you would ask me this...however, going by your antecedents on discussions regarding marriage, I can't say I'm surprised.

If I'm reading you right, and although you didn't type it...I'm inclined to presume that you associate the 'head of a household' to whoever brings in the most cheddar or whomever is the sole breadwinner.

If that's your stance, then we can't deliberate on this further.

Sophyrocks:

If you steal, what does that make you? A thief!! You can have the most income but cannot necessarily be the HEAD. That is why you see women who have the most income but still have husbands who holistically carry out their responsibilities regardless. if you provide for every single basic necessity of life in the home as required of a Head, what have you become? the Head!! You cannot be the Head and absolve yourself of all responsibilities attached to being the Head. Being the head is all about the roles you play.

So the head must provide every single basic necessities of life in the home; You say the man should typically play this role; so of what use are you in the home as a wife, sophy?

BABE3:

to save face. Some even lie to freinds and family that their husbands bought the cars, built the house, pays the kids' fees. They paint him as a 'perfect' husband to the world, but deep down they're dying.

It's a thing of shame for them; house husband kwa? Tufiakwa.




So.men and women are not equal? If the man is the head, what does that make the woman? Tail or neck?

Hmmm. Na wa o. Thats why you see so many emotionally repressed women taking out their anger on their kids and house helps.

This our do or die mentality when it comes to marriage isnt helping us at all as a society.

BABE3:

to save face. Some even lie to freinds and family that their husbands bought the cars, built the house, pays the kids' fees. They paint him as a 'perfect' husband to the world, but deep down they're dying.

It's a thing of shame for them; house husband kwa? Tufiakwa.




So.men and women are not equal? If the man is the head, what does that make the woman? Tail or neck?

Perhaps you are not a christian which is cool. I accept. But I'm a christian and i allow biblical principles to guide me so i believe women were created to be complements to their husbands. Since women are helpers, Husbands are to see their wives as partners inspite of the fact that they are the Heads the same way jesus saw his disciples to be. So even as a Head, you are still meant to treat your wife the same way you would like to be treated. Real Heads follow the examples of jesus christ. They show equality in how they treat people, fairness, 'Do unto others what you would like them to do unto you'. Any man who does not follow the steps of christ is not being the Head. thats the truth.

In the sight of God, outside the marriage arrangement, men and women are equal since they are both heirs to his kingdom and partiality has never been associated with God. It is only within the marriage arrangement that husbands are heads.