Happy New Year members.

Please help with this dilema.

Engaged to a lady to be married on the 2nd of May 09
You both live in Lagos - Maryland and Satellite Town.
She visits once a month (arrives 8pm sunday and leaves next day 6:30 am to work).
Complains the distance is too far.
Then you moved in December, she didn't come to see the place, didn't help in the moving.
You both saw only once in the month of december cos you attended a party together.
You travelled for xmas and has returned since Jan 11th.
She's not bothered to come to the house that is presumed to be for both of you.
She works Mondays through Friday and for the records, NO SEX involved.
The relationship is 1yr and 3 months old.

Will you still go on with the marriage plan or end it?
Pastor Bimbo when she was alive says, "A broken engagement is better than a broken marriage"

Before I forget, I moved to an estate near Diamond Estate by Igando/Isheri Road. About 30 seconds  or 1 min drive from Isheri round about at Idimu. I felt this will close up the gap between satellite town and maryland.

Ladies if its ur brother - Guys if you are the one. What will you do?

She sleeps over and you guys don't have sex? What are you? God?

You guys sure have some talking to do. What kind of relationship is that ?

Feelitx:

You guys sure have some talking to do. What kind of relationship is that ?

Ohh bro! Point noted.

@Spiked: We chose to go into marriage with the bed undified. There will be loads of sex after but till then, we have to hold body.

I was just kidding, you do what you gotta do.

It is a weird relationship though, maybe you would get to see her more when the date draws nearer? Heck, that even makes it weirder.

All u need to do is to sit her down and talk to her.
there should be a reason behind all this

Good to know the replies so far thinks its weired. I have plan on calling it off but I just think it will be right to seek varied opinion so it won't seem like I was unreasonable. I'm just worried about her family's reaction cos they all love me and has been a great support so far. But like spiked said, a brother's got to do what a broda got to do.

I will say this, the fact that she is not having sex with YOU, doesn't mean she is not having sex.


Aside from that, give her more time maybe she is not in the right frame of mind and as many have stated already, sit her down and talk to her, then use ur brain to do some real thinking and figure out ur next steps.

Jiokeh:

Good to know the replies so far thinks its weired. I have plan on calling it off but I just think it will be right to seek varied opinion so it won't seem like I was unreasonable. I'm just worried about her family's reaction cos they all love me and has been a great support so far. But like spiked said, a brother's got to do what a broda got to do.

If you need real opinions, consult your family and real friends, not nairaland because frankly, we can only hear your side of things.

She definitely isn't feeling you bro.
If things don't improve soon, u'd better move on.

All u need to do is to sit her down and talk to her.
there should be a reason behind all this

I second Eteri on this, she must have a reason for acting that way. I also have a feeling you attend a very strict church, she just may be trying not to get too close so that sex does not come in altho the fact that she sleeps over makes me have a second thought, but pls talk to her first. She will come around. Wis you the best

spikedcylinder:

If you need real opinions, consult your family and real friends, not nairaland because frankly, we can only hear your side of things.

Spot on. . .there are always 2 sides to a story . . .His-story we know. . .what about hers? ? ?

But above all brov, more power to your elbow on the "no sex" thing. . .for me. . .i've got to "test drive" well before i put pen to paper.

See wahala
You guys will be getting married soon and she aint moved in yet? na wa oh
Guy you spose test run before payment oh
Even most tear rubber sef dem de test run am before signing

If she aint a virgin then your move wasnt the smartest cos i tell you its better she doesnt know what it feels like than knowing and staying away from it no be beans oh na koboko.

She's drifting away you dont need a prophet to tell you that.
She visits on sundays? what about saturdays huh?
Why didnt she move in with you huh?
Does she call you at all?
Since you got back from the trip you guys havent seen?
You only had the priviledge of seeing your wife-to-be once in a month cos you attended a get together? ? ? ? ?

You must seriously be kidding me


Guy abeg forget marriage plans and act like nothing is happening you dont need to talk to her seriously cos if she can ignore THIS then you should too mehn you aint no wussy/pu.ssy

Guy oh let it BE werrin go be go be. . . . . werrin no go be no go be no matter how close e get.
I serioulsy cant imagine myself in your shoes right now but i tell you this:

It'll be stupid of you to talk bout this first!!!
na you e de important to pass?
abeg forget issue and drink coffee but dont cheat yet just watch and tell your peeps you aint settled and decided yet on the marriage thing.
If she can live with it then you also seem busy and LIVE WITH IT!!! I cant shout the world is changing big time no sit down there de lose appetite when babe non even remember se in few months she spose get married if you no get anything to do watch tom and jerry

Jiokeh,

Don't rush into marriage, especially when your relationship is hanging on a thin string.

Here goes my perception of your story---

1. Your woman is not as invested in this relationship as you are
2. Distance was the issue, so you moved, but she's still distant?? (clearly that wasn't the issue in the first place)

In an art shell, she's distant and clearly showing no interest in this so called 'relationship'---

She has EMOTIONALLY DETACHED herself from you and this 'relationship'; hence, the lack of effort in keeping this relationship going---

You need to have a serious talk with your woman, if she's running from you now, having her hand in marriage is not going to keep her with you in the long run. Good luck.

The guy says he doesn't want to have sex before he gets married, please respect his choice.

He doesn't want to have sex before marriage, let him be. That's not even the real issue.

The real issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication between the two of them. Communication is key to any relationship so it's my opinion that you should hold off on the marriage. Obviously, I think you should talk to people that actually know you and not us strangers on here. I personally can't imagine my fiance not being there when I was moving (my husband and I moved several times before we got engaged or married and we always helped each other). Do you both talk during the week? Have you talked about her reasons for not coming over? Do you go over to her house? When do you guys talk?

This just seems odd to me.

Once a month in the same town You are not going to get the answers you need here. You need to sit her down and talk to her and find out whats really up before its too late and you start having regrets.

apart from the visits

do you talk on the phone during the month cos if u talk enuf via the phone
does she work long hours and is her job very demanding

altho i am concerned abt the once a month visit
lets not jump to conclusions
please talk to her cos we dont know how ur relationship started or her personality
if she's going to be ur wife you need to discuss whether this a big issue or just a phase

The sex is not the issue here and i wont go there. i respect ur decision

but i fear for this sort of relationship oh, have u guys always bin this cold and distant and it seemed normal
how can you just meet once in a month and ure in d same lagos
someone said sth about being in a strict church and i almost screamed ''God bless this person''
is that the reason cos she feels scared that she wil have sex with you and so she stays off.

if ure worried then its definitely not what you expect and that becomes a problem. dont b too quick to call it off but tell her your fears give it some more time for the desired change. pray about it too, all d best

A

errr, weird, very its not about the sex. do you love each other at all?. its not gonna get easier when you get married, if you continue without airing you views, well its up to you then but this ain't a reflection of a very good relationship.

i think dere's more to it than meets d surface, if she's a workaholic and u met her dt way, den u shldn't complain now coz dtz how she has alwaz been, u say she doesn't visit u often, how often do u visit her? maybe u guyz shld hold d marriage stuff 4 now and solidify your relationship first,

Thanks all for the wonderful responses so far.
Now I know I won't be labeled unreasonable if I call off the engagement as it is what I intend doing. There has never been an atom of commitment to this relationship from her. She never calls me. In the 1 yr plus of this affair, I can number the times she called me. She only flashes or sends pls call me. We are not kids here. I'm in my mid 30's and she's in her late 20's. I have to bring this in so y'all will get the picture clearer. Did I forget to mention that, I saw her again on Dec 25th because I went to pick herself & her siblings up on my way home for xmas as she's from Delta state & I'm from the east.

Her family gave their blessings and all have love for me. But they are not the one I'm getting married to, its their daughter. If she's no more feeling it, there's no need wasting my precious time. Have we talked about it? Yes! When I noticed this changes the first time, I brought it up and she went on the defence. Is she afraid we'd have sex? No! She lived with me for the 2 months 3rd mainland bridge was on repairs and goes home on fridays to come back sunday night. I think she was just using me. People what do you think?

My woman has issues I must admit. There are other areas I wouldn't want to touch here. Even though I'm leaving her, I don't hate her. I love her still and wont want to tarnish her image. I can live with her other bad sides cos that's what love that is true will do, but I can't live with her lack of commitment and selfishness. I thought they will change with time but with 1yr plus gone and no changes even after my total submission and commitment, the changes will never happen. So I think what I intend doing is what is best for me (and her maybe).

I'm breaking the news to her today. She called to tell me she'd be coming to the house. I'll let u guys into what went down. Ha ha, today is the Hang man's day. Its painful though cos I still love her silly. I just hope I'd be able to do it.

Jiokeh:

I'm breaking the news to her today. She called to tell me she'd be coming to the house. I'll let u guys into what went down. Ha ha, today is the Hang man's day. Its painful though cos I still love her silly. I just hope I'd be able to do it.

Don't be stupid man, don't just breakup like that.
I feel your 'pain' in all this cuz i've been in a similar situation though i didn't engage her even, so ur 'pain' must be more.
As many have written, talk with her about your concerns. Ask her what the reason behind her behaviors are(distance/work/you e.t.c, and i repeat ASK her not BEG her!),
, if she doesn't give you any reasonable reason: let her know it's affecting the relationship and it's pushing you away emotionally. Then ask her if she wants the relationship to go on or if she wants it off? let her know it's better to breakup now than going on to have a horrible married life, so she should make a decision to be serious or walk.
NOTE: Don't come across as angry all through the conversation, act as if you're cool with whatever decision she takes, but don't act like you DONT CARE ANYMORE.

If she give you a reasonable and genuine reason, ask her(seek her opinion to let her feel her importance even if you know what to do) how she thinks it can be resolved. And try to reach a point of agreement.

The truth is that many women/girls of nowadays don't know what SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are all about. Many don't understand serious relationships are all about HARDWORK in all areas of it, and only flings and dates come easy.
Too much fantasy lies about relationships from the media have damaged the mind of many on relationship-responsibility in the REAL world. ( my personal opinion)

@topic
Before you break off this very very very very very one sided relationship,try to be unavailable (calls visits gifts etc) and pretend you are no longer interested in her.If she still doesn't respond,then leave .If she loves you she will try to change!!!!

viperman:

Don't be stupid man, don't just breakup like that.
I feel your 'pain' in all this cuz i've been in a similar situation though i didn't engage her even, so ur 'pain' must be more.
As many have written, talk with her about your concerns. Ask her what the reason behind her behaviors are(distance/work/you e.t.c, and i repeat ASK her not BEG her!),
, if she doesn't give you any reasonable reason: let her know it's affecting the relationship and it's pushing you away emotionally. Then ask her if she wants the relationship to go on or if she wants it off? let her know it's better to breakup now than going on to have a horrible married life, so she should make a decision to be serious or walk.
NOTE: Don't come across as angry all through the conversation, act as if you're cool with whatever decision she takes, but don't act like you DONT CARE ANYMORE.

If she give you a reasonable and genuine reason, ask her(seek her opinion to let her feel her importance even if you know what to do) how she thinks it can be resolved. And try to reach a point of agreement.

[i]The truth is that many women/girls of nowadays don't know what SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS are all about. Many don't understand serious relationships are all about HARDWORK in all areas of it, and only flings and dates come easy.[/i]Too much fantasy lies about relationships from the media have damaged the mind of many on relationship-responsibility in the REAL world. ( my personal opinion)

best reply
tho i dont quite agree qith the italicised bit
again its just ur opinion so also is this mine

fs:

The real issue is that there seems to be a lack of communication between the two of them. Communication is key to any relationship so it's my opinion that you should hold off on the marriage.

She hit the nail on the head.

Talk to God about the situation, then talk to your woman. Then talk to God some more and (maybe) follow your heart.

Jiokeh:

I'm breaking the news to her today. She called to tell me she'd be coming to the house. I'll let u guys into what went down. Ha ha, today is the Hang man's day. Its painful though cos I still love her silly. I just hope I'd be able to do it.

wicked man. you wan break my sister heart you say you wan break news. which kind news?. i beg make you leave her jeje for another man to meet in peace. hope you find peace to treat her right.
i think i like you for seeking counsel and being calm.

wish you luck

@Poster

Abstaining from sexual intercourse during the periods of her numerous visitations to your place as indicated on the post spoke volume about the relationship. Do you want us to believe that during the period of one year and few months both of you had embraced celibacy outside the relationship?

I do not know who initiated the code of not defying the bed before the marriage but experience tells me that the introduction of this dimension into a serious undertaking such as love matters is a show stopper. I will indulge you not to make hasty and irrational decision yet.

Trust me on this tune because my people say:
Egwu akwa nwoke na nwanyi kama mgbe ha wu okorobia na agbobia

JJYOU:

wicked man. you wan break my sister heart you say you wan break news. which kind news?. i beg make you leave her jeje for another man to meet in peace. hope you find peace to treat her right.
i think i like you for seeking counsel and being calm.

wish you luck

@Magz darling, If you know the entire story, you'll conclude she doesn't know what she's wants.

Anyway, I have broken the news at last and now guess what; the table has turned. I'll let you guys into the details on a later date as work load is too much today.

Thanks for all your contributions so far.