Nackson spies Nwaolodo looking at him from across the room at a Victoria
Island night club one Friday night. The attraction is instant like cheap
noodles cooked with a boiling ring, so he scurries over to say hi and chat
her up. The conversation in summary goes like this:
Nackson: Hi, my name is Nackson and I am a banker. Keystone Bank, to
be exact. Can I get to know you deeply?
Nwaolodo: Nice to meet you Nackson, Here are my digits. I am on Glo
network, by the way.

So Nackson and Nwaolodo exchange phone numbers. First date, they go to
Sweet Kiwi for frozen yoghurt, but the cold dairy is not the only thing
giving Nackson brain-freeze. He is checking out Nwaolodo’s really fit
figure, and the fact that she has legs for days, like the stilts of an
Atilogwu dancer. She has the kind of slim waist that deserves to be
decorated with the most expensive jigida beads. She also smells real fresh
and clean, like she carries Camphor permanently in her front pockets.
Nackson is no beast in the looks department either – so the attraction is
mutual. At the movies, they play footsie and hold hands in the back row
seats. The movie “Foxcatcher” is showing, but Nackson is only interested
in his little vixen Nwaolodo.

By the end of the evening, they are shagging furiously at Nackson’s
place. The sex is immaculate, orgasmic and satisfying. It is not wham-
bam-thank-you-ma’am sex. No sir. Nackson lasts and lasts like a China
made “I better pass my neighbor” generator running on 5 litres of diesel.
Nwaolodo is thoroughly satisfied with the experience. They are sexually
compatible, and decide to date each other exclusively. Months later
Nackson proposes one night after 3 bouts of glorious intercourse and
Nwaolodo accepts like a politician who concedes defeat after INEC
announces the results. They marry, and enjoy a great sex life. All is well
in world, and somewhere under the Eko Bridge in Lagos, a butterfly
successfully pollinates a Hibiscus flower. Somewhere in Abuja, batches of
Senators declare their assets and return stolen millions. The end, and the
studio audience applaud.
However in real life, sex is not always that easy or smooth. Many times
the body is willing, but the mind is weak. Or vice versa. Here are a few
real life problems:

• Erectile dysfunction or penile malfunction – This wahala is tailor-made
for guys. A girl you have fancied for months, finally agrees to come and
“see” you at your place. You spruce your room up, remove the clothes from
the bed, change the sheets, stock diesel for the generator, and send the
house-help to the market to buy ingredients for jollof rice. She arrives
looking the business. Before you know it, you are both exchanging saliva,
as you kiss passionately like people comparing toothpaste flavors. You pull
out your Gold Circle condom as she strips to the unclothedness of nude, and
then it all goes south, including your erection. No matter how hard she
tries to arouse you, and her unclothedness never helps, you fail to stand
attention. She rains curses on your generation, and takes her leave. The
house-help is still preparing the jollof rice.
How are you ever going to get down, if you can’t get up?

• Accidental discharge – Ever lost your NYSC discharge certificate? That
would be frustrating, huh? But what about if you discharge or ejaculate
prematurely without even being touched by your partner? You do not get
a certificate for that. No sir, this problem is real. Smoking, bad diet,
being overweight are said to be contributory causes. Sometimes being
overzealous or too eager is another factor. For less serious cases caused
by over-eagerness, some urban legends have recommended an anti-dote
of a cocktail (no pun intended) of Guinness Stout, raw eggs, Cowbell
condensed milk and Red Bull energy drink. The result? Mixed at best. A
newspaper headline of Extra Extra! Man slumps and dies under runs girl
during hot bout of sex in motel.

• He (or she) can’t get off without porn or weed or without paying for sex
– I had a friend, who had a friend who could not have sex without being
high or watching porn before or during that act. It was an addiction. It
was also an affliction. Another friend of a friend could not have sex if he
didn’t pay for it somehow. He had to justify it in his mind to enjoy, so he
would either hire a prostitute, or take a “normal girl” out and spend on
her like it was going out of fashion. Then he could have sex. If she
wanted to have sex, before he took her out, it was no cigar. I hear he has
managed to get married. How could he consummate the marriage, with his
strange kink of having to pay for sex? He overpaid the girl’s dowry.

• People who want to replicate the sexual styles they see on TV or in porn
movies – despite the fact that they do not have the physical fitness or
constitution or logistics for this Kama Sutra styles. Have you ever had a
girl say “Please carry me, and shag me against the wall.” Eh no babe,
remember that I am an unfit, unstrong man who even struggles to bend
to lace his own shoes.
Or when a guy wants to do reverse cowboy but does not have the girth or
length for such an enterprise.

• There are those that are not just into sex. I know this married chick who
is like that – frigid and rigid. She is totally asexual. It is not a matter of
whether she feels attraction for her partner or if he stimulates her long
enough. She is not just into intercourse. Her frustrated husband tried
everything. On Valentine’s day he bought her La Senza lingerie sleep set,
and had warming lube at the ready. She changed into pajama trouser set
to sleep the next night and wrapped herself with a thick blanket excluding
him. In frustration he went to the living room, and sat up all night
watching Africa Magic. They have been to counselors, mediators, relatives,
pastors, spiritualists, doctors, Esco, the works. They might have well have
gone to the police, because the only way she would have consistent, non-
biological sex with him is at gunpoint. She sees sex for procreation and
not recreation, and she laid there while her husband did his thing.
Mssschew… please pass me the tissue when you are finished.

No field of human endeavor is perfect, and neither is sexing. The media
via Hollywood, Nollywood, Yollywood and the music industry sell an
unrealistic view of sex. Sex is not always as smooth it looks in the Durex
adverts, or in that movie where the couple cannot wait to get home and
tear their clothes off each other, and so hump in the bar bathroom stall
(with all the smells and faeces in the toilet). In real life, there are
frustrations, inhibitions, physical unfitness, dry vaginas, failed libidos plus

NEPA takes light. It can be short, nasty and brutish. It would be foolish
to think that everyone else is tearing down walls in the bedroom, while in
reality they may be living with blue balls and cold showers. And Vaseline.

How is your sex life?

yawns n check my time nd its afta 55. @op nr vess o.

#yawns


















#cum make we go vigil@op...you need sum touches#

Love the literary bite...

Nice literal piece