A man separates from his wife for over a decade
They live separate lives dating other people in different homes all these years
One of them gets sick and is very sick to the point of death and now in hospice practically awaiting death
The other partner has never come to see the other in the hospital and doesn't care
People are angry that the person ought to visit and take care of the sick one after all they have children together
I am of the opinion that the marriage has been over for a while since they haven't lived as man and wife for years and so the estranged spouse is without fault.I added that the spouse may not want to be burdened with taking a corpse home in the event of death or even organizing a funeral here.its a lot of commitment financially and emotionally and it's not possible to visit now and then withdraw when the person passes away.
I was told that culturally it is not so.They are still man and wife since divorce has not taken place and so they owe each other that.

What are your thoughts on this please
Should the separated spouse go and help care for a terminally ill spouse?

Does the sick person even want their ex around?
God forbid, if I were in that situation, I would only want my loved ones around me and not an ex's that I split up with many years ago.
I would want my dignity and privacy
You need to establish that the sick person even wants their ex around them.
Its about the ill person and not what people around are saying.

tearoses:
Does the sick person even want their ex around?
God forbid, if I were in that situation, I would only want my loved ones around me and not an ex's that I split up with many years ago.
I would want my dignity and privacy
You need to establish that the sick person even wants their ex around them.
Its about the ill person and not what people around are saying.

Sadly the sick spouse is not conscious of people's presence at the moment
Physically speaking the situation is far gone
Was found unconscious and has remained so and after weeks in ICU has been moved to hospice
Basically awaiting death

babyosisi:


Sadly the sick spouse is not conscious of people's presence at the moment
Physically speaking the situation is far gone
Was found unconscious and has remained so and after weeks in ICU has been moved to hospice
Basically awaiting death

So sad
I guess the kids if they are old enough should decide what is best for their parents. They may also be privy to either parents wishes before this happened.

Over a decade is a long time. Why is their divorce not final yet?

If I was her,and if I can afford to, I may pay someone to take care of him and drop in once in a while to check up on him. *once in a while.

All for our kids and old time's sake.
But there's no reason for her to put her life on hold to take up that responsibility.

1)He's not conscious so it would make no difference to him.
2)if she becomes too involved and he dies, she could be burdened with the responsibility of taking his corpse home, it may be an expense above her head. Maybe
3) even when they get home, there's a probability his family won't appreciate what she did for their son as it may be hard to explain to them how much her time was worth and that taking the time out of her life to babysit him in his sick bed was a big sacrifice. _{My friend just dropped out of full time school to take care of her sick mom. That's how sacrificial one is to be if they want to behands-on with a sick relative}. It's either that or you pay someone to do it.
4) _{she may be accused of killing him. You know Nigerians don't die natural death. It's always has to be someone that's responsible for it.}
Make her good work no turn to regret for her.

if I'm the man I'll not visit unless she specifically requests to see me. I can send financial assistance and I'll permit the kids to visit her

cococandy:

Over a decade is a long time. Why is their divorce not final yet?

If I was her,and if I can afford to, I may pay someone to take care of him and drop in once in a while to check up on him. *once in a while.

All for our kids and old time's sake.
But there's no reason for her to put her life on hold to take up that responsibility.

1)He's not conscious so it would make no difference to him.
2)if she becomes too involved and he dies, she could be burdened with the responsibility of taking his corpse home, it may be an expense above her head. Maybe
3) even when they get home, there's a probability his family won't appreciate what she did for their son as it may be hard to explain to them how much her time was worst and that taking the time out of her life to babysit him in his sick bed was a big sacrifice. _{My friend just dropped out of full time school to take care of her sick mom. That's how sacrificial one is to be if they want to behands-on with a sick relative}. It's either that or you pay someone to do it.
4) _{she may be accused of killing him. You know Nigerians don't die natural death. It's always has to be someone that's responsible for it.}
Make her good work no turn to regret for her.

Hehehehehe
How did you know the sick spouse was the husband
Did I say so?
I deliberately left the gender out to eliminate bias from posters
But I agree with everything you wrote

Nobody filed for divorce
They just moved on from each other

What I asked was where are the lovers when you need them
Shebi the person was seeing other people all this while,where are they now?

lofty900:
if I'm the man I'll not visit unless she specifically requests to see me. I can send financial assistance and I'll permit the kids to visit her

The sick spouse is not conscious

Coogar I see you,what is your opinion

Depends on the cause of the seperation.If they still get on help can be rendered but if it was a bitter split,I doubt they would even at this point want to be around each other.

Being a care giver for a helpless person is difficult..Even when you love the person,there are days when you may feel frustrated and angry and may even lash out at having to bear that burden.

Imagine having to do same, to feed,change and bathe someone you may semi hate/dislike.. someone you have severed ties with.Omo if I'm the one on dying bed,I'll summon my last energy and say no thank you.

If someone is unwillingly saddled with that kind of responsibility because of what people say,I can assure you that there will be a lot of abuse going on behind closed doors.

Better to let sleeping dogs lie.
Thank you

Lol. I noticed that.
And The same thing would apply if it was the man.

But Something gave it away that it was the man. I won't say what
Who wan know, make e pay me I go tell am.

babyosisi:


Hehehehehe
How did you know the sick spouse was the husband
Did I say so?
I deliberately left the gender out to eliminate bias from posters
But I agree with everything you wrote

Nobody filed for divorce
They just moved on from each other

What I asked was where are the lovers when you need them
Shebi the person was seeing other people all this while,where are they now?

babyosisi:


Sadly the sick spouse is not conscious of people's presence at the moment
Physically speaking the situation is far gone
Was found unconscious and has remained so and after weeks in ICU has been moved to hospice
Basically awaiting death

in that case I won't go near the death bed. There's no point. I mean, will I be begging her forgiveness or what?

Jahblessme:
Depends on the cause of the seperation.If they still get on help can be rendered but if it was a bitter split,I doubt they would even at this point want to be around each other.

Being a care giver for a helpless person is difficult..Even when you love the person,there are days when you may feel frustrated and angry and may even lash out at having to bear that burden.

Imagine having to do same, to feed,change and bathe someone you may semi hate/dislike.. someone you have severed ties with.Omo if I'm the one on dying bed,I'll summon my last energy and say no thank you.

If someone is unwillingly saddled with that kind of responsibility because of what people say,I can assure you that there will be a lot of abuse going on behind closed doors.

Better to let sleeping dogs lie.
Thank you

not to mention the fact that everyone will call you a hypocrite

They have been separated for 10 years.. That is a long time, though I wonder why they didn't get divorced. I don't think the spouse is needed to carry the burden of someone he or she must have moved on from even though they haven't totally severed marital ties with each other.. Who wants to open old wounds that could end up with the spouse burdened with paying crazy bills incurred by someone who if the situation was flipped may not lift a finger.. Please where is the significant other(s) and close family members when they are needed..

PenAndPaper:
They have been separated for 10 years.. That is a long time, though I wonder why they didn't get divorced. I don't think the spouse is needed to carry the burden of someone he or she must have moved on from even though they haven't totally severed marital ties with each other.. Who wants to open old wounds that could end up with the spouse burdened with paying crazy bills incurred by someone who if the situation was flipped may not lift a finger.. Please where is the significant other(s) and close family members when they are needed..

The close family are all in Nigeria

Well it depends sha

Separated over 10 years

If the sick partner is still concious, it's another thing, but no, he's not. So, why bother? Even, if she does it, she won't be appreciated, she might even be accussed of fast-tracking his death. It doesn't worth it. They both have moved on for a long time. Let it remain so, so that she won't be termed hypocrisy!
Sleeping dog should be left to lie please!
Personal opinion, please!

If they have been separated for 10yrs,then i don't see what role the partner has to play in this situation.I wonder why they couldn't reconcile or just get a divorce.

The lovers should be the one taking care of person now since he/she has one.

What people would say shouldn't really matter.They should know how it has been between them all this while.

No

babyosisi:


Hehehehehe
How did you know the sick spouse was the husband
Did I say so?
I deliberately left the gender out to eliminate bias from posters
But I agree with everything you wrote

Nobody filed for divorce
They just moved on from each other

What I asked was where are the lovers when you need them
Shebi the person was seeing other people all this while,where are they now?

I knew it had to be the man, but was giving the benefit of the doubt
Women are expected to be nurturers and carers and generally speaking, we are & that is why people are talking and expecting her to go back and care for her sick ex husband.

If it were to be the other way round, I don't think the "talking" will be as much and many of those talking now will give 1000 reasons why he shouldn't have to go.

As regards not being divorced on paper, what else is there to salvage really? Its been 10 years and they have both moved on and have other partners. There is no marriage.

The children (assuming they still had a relationship with their dad) will know what daddy would have wanted in this situation. Whether or not he would want his ex wife to be cleaning him up in this state.
In the course of discussions and our actions over the years, we all sometimes unconsciously give our loved ones pointers on our wishes. They should use that as a guide.

in addition . . .

unless the sick partner was offended by the well partner and the well partner just wants to use this last opportunity to do something positive & to make amends,
but as you said, the sick partner is unconscious, so really the well partner being there is just to make the well partner clear his/her conscience

The sick partner gains nothing cos he/she is unaware of his/her surroundings anyway

As regards burial, the person who dies does not care where/how he or she is buried
If the man/woman dies, and no one comes forward, eventually the govt will dispose of the body

Burials are for the benefit of the living.

babyosisi:


The close family are all in Nigeria

Then it is left for the lovers to take over nah..

The sick partner is actually the woman

babyosisi:
The sick partner is actually the woman

really?

Which part of NIGERIA are they from?
Because when you said 'culturally' I thought about it and I couldn't figure out what tribe in Nigeria would consider it culturally expected of the man to go take of a sick wife he separated from over a decade.

Anyway I think my first post still stands.
The people I'd expect to be there are the kids.
The man can drop in once in a while if he so wishes. He's not under obligation to do so.

wow.

For the fact that we were never divorced though separated for years, I will care for him. As long as am aware of his illness even if we are in different cities, I'll take out time or detail someone to be with him pending when I can be there for him.

I may not love him again but for the life we once shared and the kids between us, I'll nurse him whether he wants me there or not conscious or not. I usually go the extramile for people because of God, posterity and my conscience

cococandy:

Over a decade is a long time. Why is their divorce not final yet?

If I was her,and if I can afford to, I may pay someone to take care of him and drop in once in a while to check up on him. *once in a while.

All for our kids and old time's sake.
But there's no reason for her to put her life on hold to take up that responsibility.

1)He's not conscious so it would make no difference to him.
2)if she becomes too involved and he dies, she could be burdened with the responsibility of taking his corpse home, it may be an expense above her head. Maybe
3) even when they get home, there's a probability his family won't appreciate what she did for their son as it may be hard to explain to them how much her time was worst and that taking the time out of her life to babysit him in his sick bed was a big sacrifice. _{My friend just dropped out of full time school to take care of her sick mom. That's how sacrificial one is to be if they want to behands-on with a sick relative}. It's either that or you pay someone to do it.
4) _{she may be accused of killing him. You know Nigerians don't die natural death. It's always has to be someone that's responsible for it.}
Make her good work no turn to regret for her.

Well said.

shrekandfiona:
For the fact that we were never divorced though separated for years, I will care for him. As long as am aware of his illness even if we are in different cities, I'll take out time or detail someone to be with him pending when I can be there for him.

I may not love him again but for the life we once shared and the kids between us, I'll nurse him whether he wants me there or not conscious or not. I usually go the extramile for people because of God, posterity and my conscience

If he dies,will you also bury him

cococandy:
really?

Which part of NIGERIA are they from?
Because when you said 'culturally' I thought about it and I couldn't figure out what tribe in Nigeria would consider it culturally expected of the man to go take of a sick wife he separated from over a decade.

Anyway I think my first post still stands.
The people I'd expect to be there are the kids.
The man can drop in once in a while if he so wishes. He's not under obligation to do so.

From Igboland
I was also shocked

The other partner should help out if he can.
Helping has no limitations especially if the one helping has the capabilities.

babyosisi:


From Igboland
I was also shocked

hmm ok.

iwakolewa:



Well said.

Well,what is the essence of living if you don't help the very sick and hopeless in their last moment?For the sake of my kids,God and love,I will be there to cater for all the needs.Since they aren't legally divorced,they are still married.