Not surprising, relationship issues are a common reason for seeking therapy. Being skilled at helping
clients fill in the missing gaps and execute meaningful changes are the foundations of the therapeutic relationship. According to New York psychotherapist, Jonathan Alpert (link is external):
"Dwelling in childhood dynamics or dramatic exchanges between partners is rarely effective. In fact, it can be toxic to the client’s ability to problem solve and make a choice.

If a patient comes to me and tells me she’s been unhappy
with her boyfriend for the past year, I don’t ask, as some might, “How do you feel about that?” I already know how she feels about that. She just told me. She’s unhappy. When she asks me what I think she should do, I don’t respond with a return interrogatory, “What do you think you should do?” If she knew, she wouldn't ask me for my thoughts.

Instead I ask what might be missing from her relationship and sketch out possible ways to fill in relationship gaps or, perhaps, to end it in a healthy way. Rather than dwell on the past and hash out stories from childhood, I encourage patients to find the courage to confront an adversary, take risks and embrace change. My aim is to give patients the skills needed to confront their fear of change, rather than to nod my head and ask how they feel."

In the spirit of quickly and incisively getting on the right side of healthy relationships, here are eight tips:


1. Be willing to get hurt.
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” ~Brené Brown
You know you’re an emotionally evolved person when communicate your feelings openly and honestly. There’s no hiding behind insecurity, bravado or a blunted affect in order to save face. The biggest risk you in life is putting your heart on the table and knowing it could be left there when a shinier, newer and sexier heart comes along. But as painful as rejection is, do you want to risk agonizing on your death bed about the one who got away?




2. Err on the side of kindness.
“Constant kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate.” ~Albert Schweitzer
Our emotional brain and our physiology are most negatively impacted following a harsh exchange from those to whom we are most attached. According to researcher and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, a mean word or a tiny facial contortion of contempt or disgust, is enough to speed up the heartbeat in the person to whom the comment is targeted. Conflict in couples is inevitable, and kindness should be, too.





3. Take ownership of your emotions.
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.” ~Mahatma Gandhi
A popular tenet of cognitive-behavior therapy is your thoughts cause your feelings, not people or things. This can seem counterintuitive after a heated argument, but you do have control over how you respond. To reclaim your rational footing, ask yourself these questions:

- Is my ...................................................




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