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Belief In Destiny May Be Hurting Your Relationship by Jomesh20(m): 12:54pm On Jul 19, 2015 |
We all want to believe in true love, and in
happy endings. We all want to be believe
that we will find a partner in this life,
someone to constantly love, trust and build a
life with. But is there such a thing as destiny,
fate, “written in the stars,” meant to be?
Probably not.
Whether or not you believe in destiny—truly
believe in it—may be affecting your
relationships and the way you approach the
possibility of love. It may even affect your
behavior toward your partner in a long-term
relationship. What if our belief in destiny is
actually preventing us from finding a partner?
People who believe in destiny think
“everything happens for a reason” and that
they are being guided by fate no matter what
they do. They believe that despite their
choices and behavior, they are destined to
end up in the same place, with the same
person. It’s fate. Written in the stars.
It’s a romantic notion that takes the onus off
people. It makes you believe that our choices
—bad and good—don’t have far-reaching
consequences. It doesn’t matter what you
do. This breakup/make-up/meeting has
happened for a reason. We don’t have to do
anything. In relationships, this kind of
thinking can do way more harm than good.
Studies show there are two kinds of people in
relationships: those who hold growth beliefs
and those who hold destiny beliefs. People
who hold the belief that a relationship grows
and changes over time and that it requires
constant work tend to be happier in
relationships and have longer-lasting
relationships.
On the other hand, people who hold strong
beliefs in destiny and fate tend to cut and run
when struggles happen in a relationship,
because they take domestic difficulty as a
sign that their match isn’t “meant to be.”
They’re more likely to end it earlier. Destiny
could actually prevent you from domestic
bliss rather than guide you toward it.
Because here’s the thing: relationships
require work. There are days when you won’t
feel ooey-gooey, lovey-dovey toward your
partner even if you still love them as much as
you ever did. But on those days, it’s hard to
look at them and think, “they are my
destiny,” because that’s a romantic, sappy
sentiment that burns so bright at the
beginning of a relationship, but has the
tendency to fade after the honeymoon period.
And even if you’re happy, committed and in
love, you may second-guess your relationship
simply on the basis that you want that
feeling of “destiny” back.
You think: what changed? Why don’t I feel
like that anymore? Because it’s natural, not
because some cosmic force is telling you that
there’s another destined love waiting out
there for you. So you sabotage a good thing,
believe in something better, and lose what
you had.
There’s no perfect relationship. Even if you
do believe that “everything happens for a
reason” and that the universe has a plan for
you, once you find your “soul mate,” it won’t
be all joy and laughter every day for the rest
of your lives. After the fulfillment of what you
call destiny comes the work to keep this
person in your life, and destiny can’t do the
legwork for you.
Even if you believe someone is perfect for you
doesn’t mean they’re perfect, and it doesn’t
mean you’ll always feel like they’re perfect
for you. Perfection doesn’t exist, and it was
some quote falsely attributed to Marilyn
Monroe that went, “Imperfection is beauty.”
Despite not having been spoken by Miss
Monroe herself, there’s some wisdom in that.
Better to believe in beauty and choice than to
believe in destiny. Better to believe in the
fruits of your hard work and your love for
another than in fate and soul mates.
A certain episode of Friends comes to mind,
where Monica tells Chandler she doesn’t
believe in soul mates. She believes that, and
I quote, “What I do believe is that we fell in
love and that we work hard for our
relationship.” If you listen to no one else,
listen to Monica and Chandler. They are the
oracle. They carry all the knowledge.
I think it’s much more romantic, realistic and
astounding to think of two people finding
each other, falling in love and caring enough
about what they have to work at it every day,
than to think of an invisible force drawing
two people together. I think choosing
someone is more amazing than being
destined to be with someone, and that being
chosen is lovelier than a force picking you for
someone else.
Trust yourself more than fate.
By LISA LO PARO
http://www.popcrunch.com/belief-in-destiny-may-be-hurting-your-relationships/ |
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