However, infidelity tops the list of reasons for divorce in marriages. Chennai-based psychiatrist and author of the book, ‘3’s a crowd’, Vijay Nagaswami helps identify why this has become s trend, giving tips on how a relationship can overcome this devastating blow.

1. Is it possible to be in love with more than one person at the same time?

A lot of times, people ask this question expecting to get responses like ‘no, you can’t love two people at the same time’. However, according to Vijay, it is most certainly possible. The important question however is, is it possible to have more than one relationship at a time?

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Quite a lot of people get attracted to other opposite sex aside form their partners. It has even been made known that, it is certainly possible to fall in love with that person, even while being in a committed relationship with another. This can make you keep the other relationship from your spouse. So you start juggling relationships until romantic loves fades away. The truth is, you will definitely meet people you are attracted to even as a married man but having a relationship with them will be a disaster.

2. Is it still an affair if it’s just emotional, not physical?

Many married people feel because they have not engaged in sexual intercourse with the other person, an affair isn’t taking place. The truth however is, any relationship, which is emotionally intense enough to detract one from marriage and is conducted in secrecy, is also an extra-marital affair. We need to have more faith in our partners as well as in our own selves.

3. Are only troubled marriages under threat? How does one prevent a dangerous transgression?

Infidelity research has revealed that extra marital affairs happen even in ‘good’ marriages. People most times ‘fall’ into affairs without realizing it till the damage has been done. According to Vijay, the only way to affair-proof a marriage is to accept and understand that this risk or vulnerability always exists. The minute you are strongly attracted to someone, step back and cool things down…also let you partner know about it. He or she can help you overcome it. If you fool yourself into thinking that you can handle your attraction and not cross the line, an affair’s waiting to happen.

4. Can broken trust be rebuilt or do the scars haunt the relationship forever?

Trust can be rebuilt. According to Vijay, it can happen only when 1) both partners agree that a breach of trust has occurred, 2) that both partners agree that it occurred during a period of vulnerability, 3) that the transgressor feels remorse, 4) that both partners are equally committed to the rebuilding process and 5) that it will never be repeated.

5. What can an affected couple do to overcome feelings of anger, rejection, jealousy and guilt?

Letting go of the affair is the first thing to do. Secondly, the transgressing partner must take full responsibility for the affair and not blame the spouse for it. Whatever the marital issues, there are better ways of dealing with them than having an affair.

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Allow your spouse the time to brood over the situation, it usually helps. You can also try and engage in neutral and calming activities with your spouse and not try to overcompensate by over-promising things that can’t be delivered. Without a doubt, the discovery of an affair is one of the most difficult things to deal with and it’s not uncommon to see aggrieved partners behaving irrationally. However, in the interest of recovery avoid:

-Rushing to a divorce lawyer — it’s too early to take this call.

-Wanting to know all the lurid details of the affair — this causes more pain to both partners.

-Talking to all and sundry about the affair in an effort to drum up support and punish the transgressing partner. Avoid this for the resulting humiliation can come in the way of the rebuilding process.

-Some angry aggrieved partners tend to confront or take revenge on the paramour. This too never helps.

-What must be avoided at all costs is to use the affair to control the partner.

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