sistawoman:

As the kids were growing up I always had an area or space for them that they could destroy.

When they did come into the common areas I always had some sort of toy or other thing that i would give them when i told them no.

I would get down to eye level with the child tell them no pointing to the item in question then give them something they could play with and tell them to play with that.

For some reason even as little little ones my kids have always had this fear of me that i rarely have to repeat myself, unless of course we are talking about chores, and still to this day I just cut my eyes at them and they str8 right up.

Straight up!

But should we use fear to intimidate kids?

~Sissy~:

*trying taking his/her toys away for two or so days

*spanking, however make sure he/she understands that he is being spanked for that particular action. they are still young to fully understand that something is right or wrong but associating wrongness with pain, makes them understand that this isnt right

*try the straight talk express. look straight into his/her eyes, that tell it like it is, this kind of put fear into them knowing that what they did is wrong. make sure you make eye contact with them this kind of shows them you are serious,

*try timeout and make sure during the process no toys to play with in there, just him/her alone and do tell him/her why they are in there

*try behavior chart with reward/punishment, maybe you tell him/her if you do this and not and you will get this/that on your chart (cool glitter, markers, stickers could work)

hmmmm, some very good points.

hehehe, time out is not in my dic.

I don't understand the concept, how do they learn from sitting in a corner?

*Hauwa*:

Silk, your question made me remember a lady. a young woman with small kids. went with a friend to her place to braid during break. man! you should see the home!!! graffiti galore she said she is tired of them

should pple wait till the kids are older to buy better stuff for their home?
do kids behave better with dad being there?

rotflmao

@the bolded, that's why am asking the question jare. Kids can be so destructive, so does that mean we gotta wait for them to outgrow it before making the house look nice?

netotse:

@sistawoman
i really like the idea of a punishment/reward chart but cant it cos the child to start to expect rewards for doing stuff he shld do normally?

Thank you!! That's the point I made earlier on this thread

@ netsose

i said the punishment/reward chart should be because it motivates little kids and keep a child motivated over a long period of time. since the child in question is not older than 3yrs old. it is just something for positive reinforcement of a particular behavior. the reward shouldn't be a monetary/ and not necessarily edible rewards. it should be subtle rewards. while not everyone might/will agree with this methods i have used/been using it and it still works for my little ones. so it all depends.

@ Ebony

the timeout is kind of something that helps the kid learn what is an acceptable/unacceptable behavior. they will learn self control. but the key to successful timeout is consistence. i still use this method and it works. and this works well for little kids

these methods are not perfect and i dont think any parenting method is for that matter cause every child/case is different however, for me these seem to help

i learned this method though mines are still younger, but one of my ladies actually uses this method and it works for her, though hers are little over 4/5

** Tattling: [/b]If one of my children tattles on another they have to say something nice about the person they are tattling on. (Of course this does not include seriousness, like someone really being hurt or a very big no-no, just typical whining/tattling.)

** [b]Interrupting: If a child interrupts adults, or even their siblings, they have a 3-5 minute time out with their hands over their mouth. This works great with a large number of kids! The younger's really learn something from the oldest, the oldest tired of being teased by the younger ones will usually not interrupt again. I believe this is a Quinault discipline. I love it!

**Stealing: [/b]If a child takes something away from another they have to not only return the item, but give the person something of equal or greater value in apology. Usually one of their own favorite toys, or spend their allowance in gift. I haven't had a stealing problem. This works well with sharing too, meaning specifically if a child brings over their own toy and one of my kids swipes it to play, they have to give it back and give the child one of their favorite toys to play with. This is only in a situation where cooperation is a problem.  A child should not be forced to share a very special toy, blanket, etc.

**[b]Lying: Much like stealing, a child who lies to me or to another has to make repairaitions. They have to apologize profusely because lying is stealing another person's right to the truth.

**Back Talk: Time out is based on age of child. Typically if I am getting slack it's because said child does not what to do what is requested of them. In all fairness I explain WHY I asked them to do something and then ask for cooperation following their time out and their apology.

**Basic Disobedience: Their favorite items get a time out. I take items away until we have cooperation. If they refuse to clean up after themselves we'll trash or take away their items. They then can earn it back after time and willingness to clean up after themselves.

**three spanakable offenses:

1) You do not destroy or abuse books. Writing in, mistreating, ripping, or destroying books.

2) You do not abuse the house or items in it. Writing on walls/furniture. Purposely destroying the home or things in it. Breaking expensive toys just because they are there. Destroying clothes by writing on them, ripping them, pulling them apart. Scissors to sheets or clothes. etc.

3) Putting yourself or your siblings in danger, or purposely hurting a person or animal. Now this is a moment-to-moment basis-to-basis discipline that needs to be addressed as they happen. The last child who received a spanking was hid son, who asked to go out front to ride his bike. she and her hubby couldn't watch him at the moment so they told him to wait. He then went to the side gate, opened it, went out anyway without telling them, and let his two year old sister out front. He not only put himself in danger but her too. We figured it out about 3 mintues after it happened, and found the 2yo at the front door. Needless to say not only was he disobedient, but he put his sister in danger. He got a spanking.

@ Everyone

what would you do if your daughter comes home and tells you she was raped?

what would be your first reaction?

what would you do to help her cope with the tragedy?

Oh myyyyyyyyy!!
Sissy, you're a geniusssssssss. . . .Those methods, I'll try.
Esp. the tattling ones. . . .all my siblings grew up tattling on each other. so annoying

I was going to ask abt that. You rock, babes

~Sissy~:

@ Ebony

the timeout is kind of something that helps the kid learn what is an acceptable/unacceptable behavior. they will learn self control. but the key to successful timeout is consistence. i still use this method and it works. and this works well for little kids

these methods are not perfect and i dont think any parenting method is for that matter cause every child/case is different however, for me these seem to help

Hmmm, okay. . . .time outs.

~Sissy~:

@ Everyone

what would you do if your daughter comes home and tells you she was raped?

what would be your first reaction?

what would you do to help her cope with the tragedy?

I forbid it!

But if the unfortunate happens, the first and foremost thing you should do is try to help the abused understand that it wasn't their fault. . . .That they did nothing wrong. Try to comfort her into telling you what actually happened.

Next, call the cops and tell them what happened. . . .take her to the cops and let her tell them who did it (if she can) and how it happened.

If talking to her won't work, then take her to whatchamacallit . . . .a rehab center or to therapy.

Rape is a very serious matter, can endanger the child's trust in men and her reaction to them can be detrimental.
I hope such thing does not happen to any mother.

*Toyinrayo:

Try to comfort her into telling you what actually happened.

that i agree with!

[size=5pt]u forgot to mention my all time favourite. . .book an appointment with your personal babalawo![/size]

netotse:

that i agree with!

[size=5pt]u forgot to mention my all time favourite. . .book an appointment with your personal babalawo![/size]

rotflmao. . . .hehehe, you're not serious

but for real o i wont know how to handle it(might just do the "manly thing" :wait till your mother comes back and tell her. . .psyche)

men are soooo not equipped to deal with stuff like this

netotse:

but for real o i wont know how to handle it(might just do the "manly thing" :wait till your mother comes back and tell her. . .psyche)

men are soooo not equipped to deal with stuff like this

truth be told, I don't expect you to.

*Toyinrayo:

truth be told, I don't expect you to.

see your mouth like fish. . . i don vex now, inn short na over equipped dey worry me!

Wetin dey vex you?

I mean, some things are for women to solve, and other things for men.

The most I can expect from a man in a rape situation is to try to track the rapist down and beat the shit out of him.

Don't worry, there's a reason why women are not extinct. You men need us, in every way possible

i've heard^{(*i'm forming looking away and pouting!*)}

if u guys can answer this i'll take my hat off for u gals

jst how would you teach young boys to respect their sisters? try as i might i cant get my cousin to say something nice about his sister not even to talk to her(thats the only thing stopping him from becoming a world-class ladies man o. . .he doesnt have that 'touch')

its always some sort of abuse(physical or otherwise) once in a blue moon(like one in 4 months) he says something nice to her(thats when he wants her to do something like maybe scratch his back or wash his hair). i just dont get it!

p.s. now he's 13 and she's 8 but this has being going on ever since

netotse:

i've heard^{(*i'm forming looking away and pouting!*)}

if u guys can answer this i'll take my hat off for u gals

jst how would you teach young boys to respect their sisters? try as i might i cant get my cousin to say something nice about his sister not even to talk to her(thats the only thing stopping him from becoming a world-class ladies man o. . .he doesnt have that 'touch')

its always some sort of abuse(physical or otherwise) once in a blue moon(like one in 4 months) he says something nice to her(thats when he wants her to do something like maybe scratch his back or wash his hair). i just dont get it!

p.s. now he's 13 and she's 8 but this has being going on ever since

The easiest way to teach them is to lead by example. . . .that's all I can say

*Toyinrayo:

The easiest way to teach them is to lead by example. . . .that's all I can say

and u hv carried last!. . . am the perfect example. . .i call her my sweery-pie i tease her and i play with her, i even tone down on the beating(somehow using spanking jst sounds wrong) sef so they dont think its write to hit girls(ok ok. . .when she misbehaves i tell one of her brothers to "issue" her one on my behalf) so u'll hv to do better than telling me lead by example *if u cant teach a boy how to treat a girl i'll understand *

netotse:

and u hv carried last!. . . am the perfect example. . .i call her my sweery-pie i tease her and i play with her, i even tone down on the beating(somehow using spanking jst sounds wrong) sef so they dont think its write to hit girls(ok ok. . .when she misbehaves i tell one of her brothers to "issue" her one on my behalf) so u'll hv to do better than telling me lead by example *if u cant teach a boy how to treat a girl i'll understand *

hahaha, lol. . . .you sound like the kinda guy that likes spanking kids. oti o.
If it's easier, tell his sister to beat the mess out of him. . . .jokin jokin

What you could do is tell his siter not to listen to him or do anything for him until he learns to use his "Please and Thank You".

Tell him that if he can't respect his sister, then he can't respect other women. And NO reasonable woman likes rude men.

Look here, men should post here and tell us how to treat that part. Me, I'll be leaving it to his father

*Toyinrayo:

hahaha, lol. . . .you sound like the kinda guy that likes spanking kids. oti o.
If it's easier, tell his sister to beat the mess out of him. . . .jokin jokin

What you could do is tell his siter not to listen to him or do anything for him until he learns to use his "Please and Thank You".

Tell him that if he can't respect his sister, then he can't respect other women. And NO reasonable woman likes rude men.

Look here, men should post here and tell us how to treat that part. Me, I'll be leaving it to his father

ah u want to cos trouble?

well i'll sha hope for the best. . . i mean i never really treated my sis any better and look how well i turned out *twirling*(tho she was older than i tho)

i jst wish he'd learn to treat girls right (so i cld teach him the 'iron hand' technique )

_{seen the susan boyles sturvs on youtube? if u hvnt watch the ten minute one o!}

netotse:

ah u want to cos trouble?

well i'll sha hope for the best. . . i mean i never really treated my sis any better and look how well i turned out *twirling*(tho she was older than i tho)

i jst wish he'd learn to treat girls right (so i cld teach him the 'iron hand' technique )

_{seen the susan boyles sturvs on youtube? if u hvnt watch the ten minute one o!}

rotflmao. . . .dude, you're sth else

Nah, but I'll look it up. Watching a Nollywood Movie right now

Weldone guyz. I have missed so much.

Ebony, how na? Ku ise o.

@ netose,
I think u started kinda late with him. U teach kids how to love and show affection at a tender age. Although, some kids got the touch naturally. In ur case, ur bruv is already having an independent mind so itz gonna be pretty difficult. U have to keep trying till he becomes more matured, when he begins to see things in clearer perspective.

I don't support 'a no TV in room' for kids o. What about wen u want to watch sum'n u don't want them seeing. Having a TV in dia room means they can watch cartoon and other kiddies stuff while u watch ur movie.

Tgirl

where have u been?

Tgirl4real:

Weldone guyz. I have missed so much.

Ebony, how na? Ku ise o.

LOL, I got your PM. Replied.

Tgirl4real:


@ netose,
I think u started kinda late with him. U teach kids how to love and show affection at a tender age. Although, some kids got the touch naturally. In ur case, ur bruv is already having an independent mind so itz gonna be pretty difficult. U have to keep trying till he becomes more matured, when he begins to see things in clearer perspective.

I don't support 'a no TV in room' for kids o. What about wen u want to watch sum'n u don't want them seeing. Having a TV in dia room means they can watch cartoon and other kiddies stuff while u watch ur movie.

Are you minding Netotse?
That's the same question he'll be asking abt his stubborn son. Better learn it now!!


@The bolded
I agree, that's what I've been trying to say. Parental control is there and schedule timer is there.
So what's the problem?

Tgirl4real:



I don't support 'a no TV in room' for kids o. What about wen u want to watch sum'n u don't want them seeing. Having a TV in dia room means they can watch cartoon and other kiddies stuff while u watch ur movie.

That's why only people who cant afford more than one TV shouldnt be having kids 

I dont support TV in kid's room either. 1 for living room, and then one for YOUR room.

ThiefOfHearts:

That's why only people who cant afford more than one TV shouldnt be having kids

I dont support TV in kid's room either. 1 for living room, and then one for YOUR room.

Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

*Toyinrayo:

Are you minding Netotse?
That's the same question he'll be asking abt his stubborn son. Better learn it now!!

no child of mine'll ever hv problems wiv knowing how to treat girls(isnt it s'posed to be hereditary? ) the kinda problems we'll hv'll most likely be
junior badoski:daddy i dont know which one to choose they're sooo many
me:dont go for the ekiti girls take it from ur dad they have too much wahala

@t-girl
i agree with you sha. . .we did start late point taken!
as for the tv thing, see ehn the angle i'm looking at it from is that it could alienate you from your children i mean watching tv is one of the few things u can do together without having to sit down and plan!(i know the downside trust me!)

as for the conflict of programs i'm with thief of hearts on this one o! they can watch the tv in MY room (i remember watching tv in my parents room once when i was young. . .it seemed sooo cool)

as for the marrying and tv part u're harsh o!

netotse:

no child of mine'll ever hv problems wiv knowing how to treat girls(isnt it s'posed to be hereditary? ) the kinda problems we'll hv'll most likely be
junior badoski:daddy i dont know which one to choose they're sooo many
me:dont go for the ekiti girls take it from ur dad they have too much wahala

Ohhhhhhh plzzzzzzzzzz, you know you want us.
Such rare gems, so hard to find

netotse:

as for the conflict of programs i'm with thief of hearts on this one o! they can watch the tv in MY room (i remember watching tv in my parents room once when i was young. . .it seemed sooo cool)

Yea, I like this concept.
But at what age should you stop them from coming to watch TV in your room?
I mean, when mommy and daddy needs to get down, no interruption will be welcomed. Right right?

*Toyinrayo:

Yea, I like this concept.
But at what age should you stop them from coming to watch TV in your room?
I mean, when mommy and daddy needs to get down, no interruption will be welcomed. Right right?

u can simply tell them to go and watch tv in the living room(thats one of the perks of parenthood u dont hv to explain urself) but come sef. . .me am not shy when it comes to such things o! (i pity their mother. . .lol)

dont think there's a definite age o, (sey u agree wiv the only 4hrs of tv a week and only on weekends bit?)

*Toyinrayo:

Ohhhhhhh plzzzzzzzzzz, you know you want us.
Such rare gems, so hard to find

*sighs*. . .they say self-deceit is a really bad thing u know. . .

netotse:

u can simply tell them to go and watch tv in the living room(thats one of the perks of parenthood u dont hv to explain urself) but come sef. . .me am not shy when it comes to such things o! (i pity their mother. . .lol)

dont think there's a definite age o, (sey u agree wiv the only 4hrs of tv a week and only on weekends bit?)

rotflmao. . . .what thing? the telling the kids to depart or the getting-it-down part?
If na the latter, I'd suggest you become shy o. I mean, wouldn't the tiny ones be curious about why mommy and daddy wants them to suddenly "go and watch TV in the living room"?


4hrs a week? and only on weekend bits?
What? I don't agree!
7hrs a week, atleast one hour perday.

My gosh, you'll make a [b]cruel [/b]father o

netotse:

*sighs*. . .they say self-deceit is a really bad thing u know. . .

Ouch! That hurts.

What hurts more is you lying to yourself

But if the unfortunate happens, the first and foremost thing you should do is try to help the abused understand that it wasn't their fault. . . .That they did nothing wrong. [/b]Try to comfort her into telling you what actually happened.

Next, call the cops and tell them what happened. . . .take her to the cops and let her tell them who did it (if she can) and how it happened.

If talking to her won't work, then take her to whatchamacallit . . . .a rehab center or to therapy.

Rape is a very serious matter, can endanger the child's trust in men and her reaction to them can be detrimental.
I hope such thing does not happen to any mother.

i definitely agree with you on this one 100%. i mean it is really hard to find a woman who has been raped that didn't blame themselves. oh maybe if i wasn't wearing this kinda cloth it wouldn't have happened. if i didn't do this or that it wouldn't have happened. too many "[b]IF's" start occupying their whole mind. So i think, the first step to healing is to let go of the [b]IF's [/b]and self blame.

me sef, i think the next thing i would do is to get her tested for pregnancy, stds etc.

what if she says she doesn't want to report it to the cops, maybe out of embarrassment and/or self blame, would you still encourage her to do so?

~Sissy~:

what if she says she doesn't want to report it to the cops, maybe out of embarrassment and/or self blame, would you still encourage her to do so?

The part of comforting her is also to let her know that it wasn't her fault.
Revenge, revenge is very sweet, you know.
In this case, her revenge would be to get the serial rapist where he belongs, in jail.
Let her know that feeling embarrassed and ashamed is not the most important thing right then, but making sure that another female does not become a victim is.

I would not only encourage her, I'd insist she make the report and give the police a sketch (if possible) of the rapist or give any evidence that can incriminate him in court.

*Toyinrayo:

The part of comforting her is also to let her know that it wasn't her fault.
Revenge, revenge is very sweet, you know.
In this case, her revenge would be to get the serial rapist where he belongs, in jail.
Let her know that feeling embarrassed and ashamed is not the most important thing right then, but making sure that another female does not become a victim is.

I would not only encourage her, I'd insist she make the report and give the police a sketch (if possible) of the rapist or give any evidence that can incriminate him in court. 

interesting!

the other day, i was listening to the news and i heard about this man convicted of raping i think 22 or 24 Chinese women and some of her victims couldn't testify against him because  one of them says if her husband ( she also has 2 kids) finds out that she was raped he would divorce her like seriously? i guess that kinda explains why some women crawl up in their shell after rape due to the stigma society has a whole as attached to it.

B.T.W are you participating in the denim day thing tomorrow in your sch.

~Sissy~:

interesting!

the other day, i was listening to the news and i heard about this man convicted of raping i think 22 or 24 Chinese women and some of her victims couldn't testify against him because one of them says if her husband ( she also has 2 kids) finds out that she was raped he would divorce her like seriously? i guess that kinda explains why some women crawl up in their shell after rape due to the stigma society has a whole as attached to it.

B.T.W are you participating in the denim day thing tomorrow in your sch.

Yea, that's another thing.
I'm not saying what she feared her husband would do is justified, but I don't blame him too.
He'd have the face the possibility of her contacting some kind of STD, the victim's newly acquired fear which can result in nightmares and abnormal reactions when he (husband) sexually touches her etc.

There are many logical reasons why women keep quiet, I cannot blame them.
But they need to understand that the longer they keep silence, then longer we have lunatics on the loose. Which in turn, results in more rape victims and possibly dead ones too.

Yes, I am Going for the March of Dimes walk?

*Toyinrayo:

Yea, that's another thing.
I'm not saying what she feared her husband would do is justified, but I don't blame him too.
He'd have the face the possibility of her contacting some kind of STD, the victim's newly acquired fear which can result in nightmares and abnormal reactions when he (husband) sexually touches her etc.

There are many logical reasons why women keep quiet, I cannot blame them.
But they need to understand that the longer they keep silence, then longer we have lunatics on the loose. Which in turn, results in more rape victims and possibly dead ones too.

Yes, I am Going for the March of Dimes walk?

wouldnt it be more deadly lets say, she have it and out of fear hides it from her husband and her hubby eventually gets it and who knows it could be transmitted to the future kids? if she also have hiv. So do you think it is okay or good for a rape victim to tell her hubby, or bf?

Nah. . . prolly going to donate some money to them in the store

~Sissy~:

wouldnt it be more deadly lets say, she have it and out of fear hides it from her husband and her hubby eventually gets it and who knows it could be transmitted to the future kids? if she also have hiv. So do you think it is okay or good for a rape victim to tell her hubby, or bf?

Nah. . . prolly going to donate some money to them in the store

I think it's perfectly his right to know what's going on and the dangers he's prolly in (or getting into).
Only a selfish woman would think only of herself in this situation, inconsiderate of who it'll also affect.
Yes yes, she loves him and doesn't want to lose him. But what kinda love is that.
If she can't tell the closest person to her, what is the possibility of her telling an outsider (criminologist/police)?

A boyfriend tht's infected with HIV from a girl that knew she could have possibly contacted the virus, has all rights to sue her.
It's like she intentionally gave it to him. It doesn't have to be cruel to be a crime