I think l want to at times, agree with those who say "Women in general, have small brain"!

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

If when you were still dating, your husband showed all the above symptoms..... and you still went ahead to marry him and get pregnant for him, then you deserve to be stoned ... for coming here to complain.

But then, maybe you are making-up all these stories, to get an excuse and justification to opt-out of the marriage.
It looks like your real interest is to be a "Baby Momma" by tricking the man into impregnating you after doing a traditional marriage (the glory of it).
Now that yo are pregnant, its time to run.

Fphuck-off and dont disturb our peace here
.
Oloshos: . If they are not eloping with pregnancy for another man, they are complaining to too much shex or not enough shex, blah...blah...blah!!!


Lastpage!

You've gotten all the advice you need. You walked into this marriage blindly.

netizenbuzz:


There's no marriage in heaven. Please read your bible well.

There is no marriage in heaven but God care about marriages n families. Hope u can see dat in ur bible.

slam7000:



The person you quoted is silly to say that 80% of Nigerian men living are like that..

Sorry i have to add this... That sort of behaviour is peculiar to YORUBA men. It does not matter where they live or level of education.

OWAMBE is in their blood and there is nothing any body can do about it. They are the ONLY men that can leave their wives and babies to groove, party, club, spray money at half naked women around 2am.

Op prove me wrong that you and your family are not YORUBA.

You and the other guy do not understand english language. The quote is saying that 80% of Africans in london are like that! There are so many kids born tribalistic on this forum!

Personal text: Will not accept friend request from people who I find are not interesting. Sorry. 1st I'm a wife, a best friend, a career woman and not Nigerian. East African beauty married to a handsome Nigerian and enjoying what life has to offer.

Gender: f
Location: London
Time registered: May 07, 2012
Time spent online: 1 day & 12 hours
Last seen: 8:59am
View 90love's posts (131) | View 90love's topics (3)

this is what the chic had in her profile. so comment accordingly

my dear,first of all,no hurt intended but the marriage you are involved in is not instituted by God.you are staying with a man you are just traditionally married to,that does not match the word of God..marriage is a holy institution which has its laws and regulations,going against these laws brings it own predicament and thence the reason for yours..i will advice you go to God in prayer and ask Him for forgiveness..

90love:
Thanks alot everyone i have had some weight lifted from reading all your comments. .

Well I pray God see you through. You have taken the first step by moving out back to your parents. Now concentrate on your health, your baby and your study. secondly start to document everything, your calls, outings, happenings etc. on a third note If he by any means threatens you, please inform the police. Reason - he has seen you as his sustenance physically, emotionally and financially, if you take the sustenance away he might fight back. I have read on many occasion even on this forum Nurses being mauled down by their spouses ( May your case never be like that). As for the Extended vacation in Nigeria, it could be a good idea, may be when he sees how guys struggle with blood n sweat to get those things he takes for granted in UK he might have a re-think and re-appraise his life. Godspeed and Good luck.

Oliviaarims:
Just 5 months and the boats already rocking? Too bad...There's no need 4 us 2 be reiterating d fact that 5yrs ov courtship ought to have been ample time to understudy ur intended husband properly.
But,putting aside the the blinding hurt caused by his ill-treatment of u and lack ov responsibility, have yhu ever taken the time since ur problems strtid ,to talk things through with him? Like a heart to heart talk during one of his sober moments? Let him know exactly how yhu feel...how much u'd want him to show some concern nd care 4 u,ur health nd unborn baby..tell him the things he does that hurt yhu. And very importantly,try to understand him...make him pour out his heart to u.
4 me,I can simply envision a frustrated man...overcome by the feeling of being unfulfilled. Perhaps,there are things he planned 4 himself that so far have not been going well. Even if his reasons seem ridiculous to u,just try to make a lil sense out of it. It might not be easy doing that given the current state of things between you two,but u have to try..Be a little bit patient with him,perhaps until u av ur baby. If things are still not looking up,if they remain the way it is or gets worse,then I advise u stay separated for a while. U'll be able to decide what next to do from there m But,God hoping,he'd av become better.
But 4 now,concentrate on making things work. 5months is just too short a time to give up on something that was meant to be "till death do u part"
BTW,do ur best not to let this situation drain u of all energy,physically,emotionally and otherwise. U've got ur health to put in order,a baby on the way that would need complete love,care and devotion...and studies to complete.

U got it perfectly, we have sat down on many occasions about different things my first action is always good communication. He expresses his frustrations at his lack of achievement and constantly compares himself to his mum who built her first house by 30 and made her first billions by 25 she is a hard person to stand behind especially him being the only son the pressure for him to achieve greatness is depressing him. He continues to be haunted by his dad not being in his life but the funny thing is the reason for their split was that he used to swindle away all the mums money she would make from business and spend it entertaining friends, drinking, hosting lavishly. Today the dad is poor and rely on the mum for small upkeep though they are divorced and she re married 24 years ago.

Everyone has a wake up call if it wasn't for being pregnant maybe I would have continued supporting us blindly with hope of something better in the future. But his total lack of care was a huge slap in the face, he didn't insult me, he didn't beat me or any of that rather he would ignore my calls, take a day to reply my message, never check on me, never ever ask about my health or make attempt to visit me-all of that woke me up from my deep slumber.
I have contacted his elder sis who is waiting for me to call her and I have listed all my concerns about him I can't cope with him I need them to take some control because they will cry the hardest if something was to happen to him.

return his bride price and get ready to take care of d baby alone Cos u will hate did man more and more and this will eventually leads u to mortuary or prison.

U dated 5 yrs, noticed all these and still got married and pregnant, I really don't know y d complaints

U lay ur bed and then lie on it.

God's Grace tho.

k

hulega:
After carefully studying your post and personal text in your profile, I do not think you deserve pity as I can confidently say you brought this on yourself. Your husband was always the way he is now, but you chose to ignore the signals because you were carried away by how handsome he is. Also you must have ignored reasonable advise before marrying this man as you appear arrogant if your personal text is anything to go by. My dear east african beauty, leave with your decision.

Why would it hurt anyone if I refer to myself as 'East African beauty' and is it wrong to marry a handsome man? Because I find him handsome doesn't mean every girl will. Please read and understand well before replying anything it would have been easier for to to pass by silently than making invalid points.

Hold on to God and pray ceaselessly about it. God never sleeps. Remember that we nairalanders love you.

There you go again covering up for him. What makes you think that he can't survive with or without you that is why he treats you the way he does.

My advice stay with your parents toll you have your baby I repeat do not help him financially till he changes and when he does you will know except you want to be blinded by love. Be very nice and respectful to him and above all the best you can do is to PRAAAYYYYYY for him and your marriage.

Make sure you save every little penny that comes your way after all before you knew him he has been surviving so what makes you think you are his god.

Advice: Women stop taking over men's responsibilitis you should know your boundaries.

Thank your for your sound advise this is a very challenging time for me for the first time ever i cant cope emotionally, trust me im very strong but this is destroying me. I also know that without me he will end up either homeless, with terrible company or at his aunties which will result in a huge family issue, ive thought of telling his mum so he can return to nigeria for sometime or maybe i should buy his ticket to go i dont know because i dont have peace of mind. Him being homeless wont make me happy but his attitude and idleness doesnt make me happy either. we met as students and did that marriage thing he has indefinate so its not like he cant return. Ive given him all i can i have nothing else to give now.
you are right that i noticed these traits when we were dating but we were young he was a 24yr old post grad student from nigeria that didnt know london life i held on to his potential but he never developed from that rather hes destroying himself.
[/quote]

Good point,she must have noticed while courting,but she wanted to be married at all cost,she s playing daddy now good luck to her .

wasak:
Permit me to ask. All the while you were dating him, didn't you discover all those traits? Or you're one of those who believe they can change a man after marriage, that he ll bcom responsible after marriage.
The sad truth is, I've seen guys like that and they'll hardly ever change, its either you embrace him like that or you take a walk. You talk about not wanting to have a child in a broken home, is the home not alrdy broken whether you quit or not? Or you think the coming of the child will make him change.
I want to belive you re still young, if you do not want to grow old before your time, you just have to take a bold step, as it is, you have got a job of your ow, which means you can take care of the child, and if the qualities about you have stated about yourself are as much as true, you Angel will surely come for you in no time. Until then, be brave!
Moreso, perhaps when you leave this guy and give him a cold shoulder, he might com to terms with the reality of life and change his ways, such ppl do not change except with bitter experience.

menix:


Is that a gay sign

Nah!, gibberish sign

90love:
I've dated my husband for 5years but only traditionally married for 5 months. For most of our relationship we have had financial difficulty but always manage to keep our head above water.

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

And he has 5 sisters, his young ones are very ill mannered dont do house work or even say good morning. They all take turns throughout the year to come to my house and spend 2weeks to one month Including his mother though i can't complain about her because she's his mother even if she was the worst i can manage her.

None of the above has really bothered me until i came to the realisation that im going to be a mother in less than 18 weeks and i have someone else to care for that is more important. I'm starting to think this man doesn't really love me because when i was terribly sick before finding out about my low iron and diabetes i couldnt get out of bed but he never checked on me instead he would spend all evening and night out with friends and all day sleeping, watching tv and looking for quick money.

I decided to return to my parents and have been here for 2+ months. I am properly looked after and it's only 20minutes away, my so called husband never calls to check on me, he has only initiated phone calls twice and he's asked me for money both times for one thing or another. He has never called my parents to greet them or thank them, it's like he abandoned his responsibility, he openly tells me not to come back because he can't cope with my illnesses.

He's very dissmissive and uncaring but he is also like that with his own family. He never calls them. They're always begging him to call them or i beg him to at least call his mum. I always blame his upbringing because he grew up very entitled with everything handed to him, he doesnt know the value of hard work.

Now we're in a major financial crises because he decided to leave his job. We can't pay the house rent and i have no way of bailing us out because i haven't been active at work due to sickness. I have been looking for a way out but he can't even hold a conversation with me about it. The minute i say something about our current finances, he starts threatening me to switch off the phone and raises his voice (i equally raise mine I'm not innocent because I've had enough) I'm so fed up of him and even the marriage. I don't see how he can ever grow up and i feel like im dragging a dead horse.

Whenever there's crises he becomes very mean and he can't cope, I'm always the strong one and have to find money just so he can be nice to me, which sounds pathetic. He comes from a very good home but blames all his emotional problems on not having his dad in his life but i am not excited to see the kind of dad he will be for his own child.

I feel like i made a mistake marrying him. I have been as supportive as i can be, i dont rub things in his face, i always try and maintain a happy home but I've had enough! How do you fix a situation where you don't respect your husband anymore? I don't believe he deserves my respect apart from him being a financial burden, he's also a serial womaniser i just got tired of doing csi so i turn the other way. I am so fed up and spiraling into deppression the disappointment to both of our families will be huge I've never imagined having a child in a broken home. If this is worth fixing i dont know where to start because my heart is resenting him. How do i explain to people that im leaving my husband of only 5 months?!!!

My only question is, why did you marry this guy again? Did you not use your own mouth to say he has always been that way?
I'm guessing you got caught up with all that clubbing swag he has and didnt really think things through. Poor dear, i dont know what to tell you practically. I would have told you to talk to his parents, but it seems his whole family is the useless type.

Again, not sure what you were thinking when you married into this.
Prayer is the only thing you can do now.

Behind every human challenge is divine wisdom solution. I would like you to do needful first by involving God in your marital affair, if you are a christian by looking for one of the bible believing and teaching Churches there in London and start worshipping and practising the bible base words intimately there. As you will also be trusting God for a change of story as regards your marital destiny. I would like to recommend the following materials which would be of tremendous help for you in a situation like this:
1. Making Marriage Works - Faith Oyedepo
2. Marriage Covenant by thesame author
3. Success in Marriage by David & Faith Oyedepo
4. Blissful Mary Abioye
5. Marriage that brings down God's Glory
6. Model Marriage by Day Haeward-Mill
While you are alone start studying them one after the other alongside your bible you will sure find solution. It is well with you.

ebonflex:


My only question is, why did you marry this guy again? Did you not use your own mouth to say he has always been that way?
I'm guessing you got caught up with all that clubbing swag he has and didnt really think things through. Poor dear, i dont know what to tell you practically. I would have told you to talk to his parents, but it seems his whole family is the useless type.

Again, not sure what you were thinking when you married into this.
Prayer is the only thing you can do now.

i would like to correct one thing. I met my husband wen he was 24 and i was 20 yes he clubbed but not frequently how many people didnt club at 24 We lived out of london for 2years before moving to london where he had easy access to many people good and bad but he chose to follow the bad. If it wasnt for the close move im sure i wouldnt have discovered this side of him.

90love:
I've dated my husband for 5years but only traditionally married for 5 months. For most of our relationship we have had financial difficulty but always manage to keep our head above water.

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

And he has 5 sisters, his young ones are very ill mannered dont do house work or even say good morning. They all take turns throughout the year to come to my house and spend 2weeks to one month Including his mother though i can't complain about her because she's his mother even if she was the worst i can manage her.

None of the above has really bothered me until i came to the realisation that im going to be a mother in less than 18 weeks and i have someone else to care for that is more important. I'm starting to think this man doesn't really love me because when i was terribly sick before finding out about my low iron and diabetes i couldnt get out of bed but he never checked on me instead he would spend all evening and night out with friends and all day sleeping, watching tv and looking for quick money.

I decided to return to my parents and have been here for 2+ months. I am properly looked after and it's only 20minutes away, my so called husband never calls to check on me, he has only initiated phone calls twice and he's asked me for money both times for one thing or another. He has never called my parents to greet them or thank them, it's like he abandoned his responsibility, he openly tells me not to come back because he can't cope with my illnesses.

He's very dissmissive and uncaring but he is also like that with his own family. He never calls them. They're always begging him to call them or i beg him to at least call his mum. I always blame his upbringing because he grew up very entitled with everything handed to him, he doesnt know the value of hard work.

Now we're in a major financial crises because he decided to leave his job. We can't pay the house rent and i have no way of bailing us out because i haven't been active at work due to sickness. I have been looking for a way out but he can't even hold a conversation with me about it. The minute i say something about our current finances, he starts threatening me to switch off the phone and raises his voice (i equally raise mine I'm not innocent because I've had enough) I'm so fed up of him and even the marriage. I don't see how he can ever grow up and i feel like im dragging a dead horse.

Whenever there's crises he becomes very mean and he can't cope, I'm always the strong one and have to find money just so he can be nice to me, which sounds pathetic. He comes from a very good home but blames all his emotional problems on not having his dad in his life but i am not excited to see the kind of dad he will be for his own child.

I feel like i made a mistake marrying him. I have been as supportive as i can be, i dont rub things in his face, i always try and maintain a happy home but I've had enough! How do you fix a situation where you don't respect your husband anymore? I don't believe he deserves my respect apart from him being a financial burden, he's also a serial womaniser i just got tired of doing csi so i turn the other way. I am so fed up and spiraling into deppression the disappointment to both of our families will be huge I've never imagined having a child in a broken home. If this is worth fixing i dont know where to start because my heart is resenting him. How do i explain to people that im leaving my husband of only 5 months?!!!

hmmmm if u dated for 5yrs n married 4 only 5 months which means you saw almost all dis so y did u go ahead 2 marry him?

malachytochukwu:
You and this your emergency statistics, haba! Which part of Nigeria do we have that 80% of men are lazy. Please be careful of this kangaroo analysis

Sorry o but I would be as polite as I can be - This is how people fail jamb o...did you read where I asked her if she is outside Nigeria, which infers I was not referring within Nigeria? Then point 2, did you see me use the word "lazy" ? Point 3..if you are really conversant with English language you will know using the term "80%" was a figure of speech when used in an informal discussion because I did not claim I have empirical evidence and this is not a research paper. Broda mi, hope I was polite enough?

90love:
I've dated my husband for 5years but only traditionally married for 5 months. For most of our relationship we have had financial difficulty but always manage to keep our head above water.

I'm pregnant and have gestational diabetes meaning sometimes i get very weak so I've been unable to work properly, I am also a final year nursing student. The truth is 80% of the time it's me that bail us out of bad financial crises, my husband has not been able to keep a stable job for as long as I've known him and when he gets his fast money he lavishes it, he doesnt think of the home rather he thinks of clubbing, drinking etc. I never look into his pockets as i think its rude to count people's money but the minute he swindlea his money away he starts to count my money to fund his things such as petrol, club, hosting his family coming from nigeria.

And he has 5 sisters, his young ones are very ill mannered dont do house work or even say good morning. They all take turns throughout the year to come to my house and spend 2weeks to one month Including his mother though i can't complain about her because she's his mother even if she was the worst i can manage her.

None of the above has really bothered me until i came to the realisation that im going to be a mother in less than 18 weeks and i have someone else to care for that is more important. I'm starting to think this man doesn't really love me because when i was terribly sick before finding out about my low iron and diabetes i couldnt get out of bed but he never checked on me instead he would spend all evening and night out with friends and all day sleeping, watching tv and looking for quick money.

I decided to return to my parents and have been here for 2+ months. I am properly looked after and it's only 20minutes away, my so called husband never calls to check on me, he has only initiated phone calls twice and he's asked me for money both times for one thing or another. He has never called my parents to greet them or thank them, it's like he abandoned his responsibility, he openly tells me not to come back because he can't cope with my illnesses.

He's very dissmissive and uncaring but he is also like that with his own family. He never calls them. They're always begging him to call them or i beg him to at least call his mum. I always blame his upbringing because he grew up very entitled with everything handed to him, he doesnt know the value of hard work.

Now we're in a major financial crises because he decided to leave his job. We can't pay the house rent and i have no way of bailing us out because i haven't been active at work due to sickness. I have been looking for a way out but he can't even hold a conversation with me about it. The minute i say something about our current finances, he starts threatening me to switch off the phone and raises his voice (i equally raise mine I'm not innocent because I've had enough) I'm so fed up of him and even the marriage. I don't see how he can ever grow up and i feel like im dragging a dead horse.

Whenever there's crises he becomes very mean and he can't cope, I'm always the strong one and have to find money just so he can be nice to me, which sounds pathetic. He comes from a very good home but blames all his emotional problems on not having his dad in his life but i am not excited to see the kind of dad he will be for his own child.

I feel like i made a mistake marrying him. I have been as supportive as i can be, i dont rub things in his face, i always try and maintain a happy home but I've had enough! How do you fix a situation where you don't respect your husband anymore? I don't believe he deserves my respect apart from him being a financial burden, he's also a serial womaniser i just got tired of doing csi so i turn the other way. I am so fed up and spiraling into deppression the disappointment to both of our families will be huge I've never imagined having a child in a broken home. If this is worth fixing i dont know where to start because my heart is resenting him. How do i explain to people that im leaving my husband of only 5 months?!!!

What were you doing during courtship? Kissing? You didn't notice all his bad behaviour then? Na you sabi!

Why is it that we Nigerians are so quick to defend ourselves? The fact remains that judging by what we hear around from women living in the diaspora, we Nigerian men operate on a moral code that is different from how or what we operate on back home. There has been so many stories of Nigerian men who are married with children back home living as singles in US and UK.Also we hear stories how they have become "father of nations"; fathering children all around without being responsible for them. Countless stories of how if they have legal documents they take advantage of girls without papers using the promise of marriage or how they bait desperate women with papers if they do not have papers, even in the church community. So lets cut out this holy indignation and hypocritical patriotism, lets face fact...we are a handful. Especially London where amongst the women there is the yoruba parlance "ko s'Okunrin gidi ni London" - which connotes in English - No "serious" husband material in London.

Why you marry him in the first place?

Ab025:
Well, from your write-up, it seems you married a lazy man who has never really struggled for himself in life.

But I also blame you, because you noticed all these about ur man but you never really addressed it or grasped the side effects but was consumed by luv. One must learn to address such issues whenever in luv.

Well, the good thing is that marriage is defined as an ongoing negotiation by many people, so guess what, you can still talk things out with your husband. Work on that. Sit him down and talk things out with him.

My best advice? Print this your post out on paper and present it to your husband, After all, this is how you feel inside...

He won't listen 2 her,they 've pass dat point.According 2 her "he can't hold a conversation with her!

Sit him down and talk to him,maybe he have something that is disturbing him.and pray.

UPDATE:::

i repeated all of my concerns to his senior sister especially the Alcohol because he already has liver problems which can result in a transplant and even death!!
His mum is boarding a flight from lagos to london today or tomorrow morning to sort it out. They really panicked but i felt i had no choice.
i dont know how he will react when he sees his mum but my heart is beating heavy out of anxiety i dont want him to feel betrayed but i understand i have to stop enabling him.

Thank u all!!!Bleep

90love:


Why would it hurt anyone if I refer to myself as 'East African beauty' and is it wrong to marry a handsome man? Because I find him handsome doesn't mean every girl will. Please read and understand well before replying anything it would have been easier for to to pass by silently than making invalid points.

No d truth is always bitter, although I empathize with 'ur situation I totally concur with @hulega comment!

[quote author=90love post=39285908]

It is very unlikely that your husband will change.

And I must join others who wonder why you could not discover these ugly traits during courtship.

Living abroad is very stressful on its own let alone with your added problems.

Nigerian men are known to work hard and provide for their families.

Maybe, your husband is not yet ripe for marriage if he is already crumbling after mere 5 months of marriage.

By depending on you for upkeep and house rent, are you the one marrying him?

How come he does not want to work...

Confront him with his attitudes and ask him what are his worries.

If nothing is done soon, he may lapse into depression and do things we hear men do to their wives overseas.

Divorce is your most likely option.


If that fails, tell his mom....

If all else fail, stay away from him