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Sweetie, I understand your point of view. You have a right to believe in whatever you want to believe. And so does the poster’s wife. As far as I’m concerned there’s no harm in one’s MIL living with them. And yes, I call him selfish because if he’s wife wants her mother to live with them, him assuming she will cause problems in the house and using that as a grounds to say no is not right. I mean I can understand excuses like limited funds, no extra room and all that, but breaking their marriage? That’s taking it a bit too far.

I might not have the experience of a ten-year marriage, but I know nobody can spoil my marriage unless I or my husband gives him/her the permission to do that. Relative or no relative. Living with us or not living with us.

And I’m not just looking at my case from my own point of view. Maybe you dint understand what I said earlier. My granny was evil. Infact she gave my mum hell when she came into the family. My mum had 6 girls first before she had a boy so you can imagine the battle it must have been in those days. But did that make my mum turn her back on her when she needed help? No! Did she change? No! If anything, she got worse in old age. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t come b/w my parents.

All I’m saying is that, if my MIL has no other option, or truly wants to live with me, why would I deny her that? Except I see she has undue influence over my husband. And I can’t conclude that based on assumption. That’s taking the easy way out.

excuse ma'am, ermmm, are you now married?

@ Uju,

I beg to DIFFER!

Visiting - Yes
Moving In Permanently - Its a RESOUNDING NEVER!!!!

busybody20:

@ Uju,

I beg to DIFFER!

Visiting - Yes
Moving In Permanently - Its a RESOUNDING NEVER!!!!

Feel free to 'differ'. I'm just stating my opinion anyway.

OMO IBO:

excuse ma'am, ermmm, are you now married?

Maybe

Ujujoan:

Sweetie, I understand your point of view. You have a right to believe in whatever you want to believe. And so does the poster’s wife. As far as I’m concerned there’s no harm in one’s MIL living with them. And yes, I call him selfish because if he’s wife wants her mother to live with them, him assuming she will cause problems in the house and using that as a grounds to say no is not right. I mean I can understand excuses like limited funds, no extra room and all that, but breaking their marriage? That’s taking it a bit too far.

I might not have the experience of a ten-year marriage, but I know nobody can spoil my marriage unless I or my husband gives him/her the permission to do that. Relative or no relative. Living with us or not living with us.

And I’m not just looking at my case from my own point of view. Maybe you dint understand what I said earlier. My granny was evil. Infact she gave my mum hell when she came into the family. My mum had 6 girls first before she had a boy so you can imagine the battle it must have been in those days. But did that make my mum turn her back on her when she needed help? No! Did she change? No! If anything, she got worse in old age. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t come b/w my parents.

All I’m saying is that, if my MIL has no other option, or truly wants to live with me, why would I deny her that? Except I see she has undue influence over my husband. And I can’t conclude that based on assumption. That’s taking the easy way out.

I'm not married myself, but I think you may feel this confident because you have had time to build a strong relationship with your husband since you got married. MHO

You know what works and does not work between you and him and you know what the dealbreakers are.
The OP said that this MiL issue is a condition hi s fiancee has set before they are actually maried.
in that light do you still think it is wise to let a third party into the home?

Ujujoan:


And yes, I call him selfish because if he’s wife wants her mother to live with them, him assuming she will cause problems in the house and using that as a grounds to say no is not right. I mean I can understand excuses like limited funds, no extra room and all that, but breaking their marriage? That’s taking it a bit too far.

Is he truly selfish in wanting time time to build a strong  husband/ wife relationship with her before her mom moves in?

Think back to the time when you got married if you are. Were you able to predict what the state of your finances was going to be REALLY like after your marriage?

Were you in a position to look for a home that would not just accomodate you and your new husband, but a third party (an adult to whit) which would provide all of you with the necessary space and privacy?

Surely newlyweds deserve the time and space to explore and get to know each other in the privacy of their home before family members start moving in lock stock and barrel?

Ujujoan:

Except I see she has undue influence over my husband

And how is he to really discern what sort of influence his MiL has over her now MARRIED daughter if she moves into their home from the word go?

I truly think that both mother and daughter are being extremely selfish.

If the wife has siblings let her mom go and stay with them for a while and let the newlyweds establish themselves first, spiritually, emotionally, finacially, socially and otherwise as a couple.

Then and only then can the issue of bringing 3rd parties into the marital home can be entertained.

In this situation, I think the mom and daughter are the ones being extremely selfish.
You said yourself that your mom had already born 6 kids b4 your granny moved in.

Allow the guy to be a husband to his wife and a father to his kids before family starts moving in abeg.

Even in the village newlyweds get their own house even if it's just mud and wattle in the family compound. MiL does not go with her daughter to her marital home.

Just my thots sha. Like I said, I'm not married myself so all this is purely hypothetical.

oops

Ujujoan,
when did you get married?
im trying to put 2 and 2 together

I'm not married myself, but I think you may feel this confident because you have had time to build a strong relationship with your husband since you got married. MHO

You know what works and does not work between you and him and you know what the dealbreakers are.
The OP said that this MiL issue is a condition hi s fiancee has set before they are actually maried.
in that light do you still think it is wise to let a third party into the home?

Well, I’m not married yet too; I’m talking based on my own personality and my Parent’s example. But seriously, I don’t think my MIL is a third party in my own home. As far as she minds her business and only speaks when asked, I doubt if she’ll get in my way.

Is he truly selfish in wanting time time to build a strong  husband/ wife relationship with her before her mom moves in?

Think back to the time when you got married if you are. Were you able to predict what the state of your finances was going to be REALLY like after your marriage?

Were you in a position to look for a home that would not just accomodate you and your new husband, but a third party (an adult to whit) which would provide all of you with the necessary space and privacy?

Surely newlyweds deserve the time and space to explore and get to know each other in the privacy of their home before family members start moving in lock stock and barrel?

Why does everybody think the MIL will stand in the way of the couple building a strong relationship? I don’t! I think I called the guy selfish because he just doesn’t want to cramp his style; because I don’t think the girl will insist like that if they had a second choice.

Like I said earlier, if the finances are he’s excuse, then it’s understandable. I really don’t expect him to go bankrupt because he’s trying to help his in-laws. And think about it, it’s better his in-laws are around to help the wife than house-helps.

And how is he to really discern what sort of influence his MiL has over her now MARRIED daughter if she moves into their home from the word go?

If I marry a man without any knowledge of how he’s influenced by his family, then I’m marrying a complete stranger. Isn’t that the whole essence of courtship?

I truly think that both mother and daughter are being extremely selfish.

If the wife has siblings let her mom go and stay with them for a while and let the newlyweds establish themselves first, spiritually, emotionally, finacially, socially and otherwise as a couple.

Then and only then can the issue of bringing 3rd parties into the marital home can be entertained.

In this situation, I think the mom and daughter are the ones being extremely selfish.
You said yourself that your mom had already born 6 kids b4 your granny moved in.

Allow the guy to be a husband to his wife and a father to his kids before family starts moving in abeg.

Even in the village newlyweds get their own house even if it's just mud and wattle in the family compound. MiL does not go with her daughter to her marital home.

Just my thots sha. Like I said, I'm not married myself so all this is purely hypothetical.

You are talking like I’m against a family starting their life together alone. I’m not. I’m just saying if there’s need to house an in-law, they should try and be accommodating and make sacrifices. It might come with a price but I don’t think that’s too much to pay for the mother of your wife or husband.

Clearly, it’s wrong that the poster’s wife is giving him and ultimatum. I don’t think it’s should come to that. There’s really no sense in trying to please your family and displeasing your husband. But all in all, I don’t see any danger in letting them live with him if he can afford the space and extra expenses.

OMO IBO:

Ujujoan,
when did you get married?
im trying to put 2 and 2 together

Did I say I was married? Check again.

@ Amakaone

I forgot to tell you, even though my granny moved in later in life, I know my dad was still living with his Parents as at the time they got married. He only moved out afer having the third girl.

aaaah, good one.
you almost gave me a heart attack.

you are dropping some knowledge here. even though i dont quite agree with you, where did you get all that from?

OMO IBO:

aaaah, good one.
you almost gave me a heart attack.

you are dropping some knowledge here. even though i dont quite agree with you, where did you get all that from?

It's okay to disagree with me. . . . . everyone here does anyway.

But I'm just trying to be realistic, because come to think of it, if my husband (future) insists and his reasons are not bad, I really dont have a choice. and likewise if a wife truly wants/needs something and there are true reasons for them, I dont think the husband has a choice.

Ujujoan:

It's okay to disagree with me. . . . . everyone here does anyway.

But I'm just trying to be realistic, because come to think of it, if my husband (future) insists and his reasons are not bad, I really dont have a choice. and likewise if a wife truly wants/needs something and there are true reasons for them, I dont think the husband has a choice.

you are prolly the only who'd GLADLY let an in-law move in PERMANENTLY into their home _{please take note of the bolded}.

i dont know how many, if any would let that happen. there's a whole lot of things not good about it.

OMO IBO:

you are prolly the only who'd GLADLY let an in-law move in PERMANENTLY into their home _{please take note of the bolded}.

i dont know how many, if any would let that happen. there's a whole lot of things not good about it.

Well, maybe not GLADLY, but I wont make it an issue if it has to happen. Everything has its Adv. and Disadv. and to me, the Disadv. cant be life-threathing.

I'm not going to invite my MIL to come live with me, but is she has to, I wont say no. Provided she's not intentionally interferring in my business with my husband.

You know, I think people just cause problems for themselves. For the woman (the poster's MIL) to need someone to take care of her, she's definitely old. If she has a short time to live on earth, what harm could she possibly cause.

Maybe I'm saying all these because where I stay, the Mother of the Landlord stays there as well. Now she has a luxury 3-bedroom flat to live in with 2 helps at her beck and call. But this is a very old woman who hardly walks on her own. Every morning you see her sitting outside looking all lonely and I feel sad because I know she's going to be that way for the rest of her life. If that were my MIL and I can afford to house her, I certainly wont let her stay in that house all by herself.

Ujujoan:

I'm not going to invite my MIL to come live with me, but is she has to, I wont say no. Provided she's not intentionally interferring in my business with my husband.

you see, this is where i think the problem or mis understanding is.

i doubt most MIL's intentionally cause trouble.
some of the little things she says, her actions, the food she's served etc etc could all add up to one big thing.
a MIL could tell her her son or daugter something she noticed. Her daughter or son in turn could ask/tell his/her partner what mama just told him.

it'll take something very minute to start a problem.

OMO IBO:

you see, this is where i think the problem or mis understanding is.

i doubt most MIL's intentionally cause trouble.
some of the little things she says, her actions, the food she's served etc etc could all add up to one big thing.
a MIL could tell her her son or daugter something she noticed. Her daughter or son in turn could ask/tell his/her partner what mama just told him.

it'll take something very minute to start a problem.

Yeah but those things are minor. I think they can be resolved easily. If she stays around long enough to see that her criticisms dosent count, she'll learn to keep them to herself. Even visiting MILs cause those problems as well. The only difference is that for the one living with them permanently, they'll just have to learn to manage and deal with her. If she becomes too much of a problem, then you have every right to insist she leaves.

If the word 'permanenty' is scaring the Man, he can decide to give a trial for say 6mths or 1year and see how that turns out. Its just not worth losing someone you love over.

A ujujoan, I think our perspectives on marriage are different. Mind you I did not say that she should never move in with them. and I think for the reasons you stated she very well could, I just question the timing ofthe whole thing.

These people are just getting started in their married life  and the husband to be is clearly not comfortable with having his mother in law in his house from day 1 of his marriage.

The man is marrying the girl and I believe he really has every right to want his wife to himself for a while. No MIL. BiL,SiL etc from both sides living with them.

As I said b4, surely the other siblings could take care of the mom or some other arrangement be made while the couple settle down as a couple?

When they have settled and they are comfortable living with each other as a couple and have resolved the miriad  problems that come with being newlywed on their own then surely she can move in.

As I said, I'm not married, but I  have personally seen  and read here on NL just how taxing those first few months of marriage are.

I still believe that marriage more than any other relationship in this world requires work on the part of both parties and more so at the beginning of the marriage.

Just scroll down on this forum and see the number of newlyweds with millions of varied issues that they are dealing with.

There is aboslutely nothing wrong with her coming to visit or them visiting her. That surely will take care of the loneliness.
She does not need to be with them 24/7. Even spending the weekned. The issue to me seems to be that she is moving into her daughters marital home permanetly just as her daughter is going there as a new wife.

Even in the village where I come from that is not done. A newlywed couple's space is considered sacrosanct , and I want to believe that our elders knew a thing or two about human relationships.

Is it wise really, given other possible alternatives to go through all that with another person who is not intimately involved in te relationship as witness to that?

Starting married life with your mother in law in your house is not the best scenario in my opinion.

ujujoan, those likkle likkle things add up.
what MIL's knowing or unknowingly do is stoke up trouble.

if your MIL is around you'd hardly have friends over. its like apart from your husband and maybe kids, she's next in line to be catered to.
you'd hardly have a life.


you know what, forget MIL's i can deduce you are quite homely.

@ Amakaone

Fair enough, you are entitled to your own opinion. But just pray you dont find yourself in that situation. The first thing you ask youself is what is better? Getting your husbands' love and gratitude forever for your patience and kindness and creating a bad blood between you and your in-laws and of course, your husband. Me, as far as she dosent expect to sleep on the same bed with me and my husband, I'm willing to take the chances.

@ Omo Ibo

Its not about being homely, its about being accomodating, knowing how to manage people and situations and going an extra mile for the one you love.

Ujujoan:

@ Amakaone

Fair enough, you are entitled to your own opinion. But just pray you dont find yourself in that situation. The first thing you ask youself is what is better? Getting your husbands' love and gratitude forever for your patience and kindness and creating a bad blood between you and your in-laws and of course, your husband. Me, as far as she dosent expect to sleep on the same bed with me and my husband, I'm willing to take the chances.

Thanks.

I pray that I don't ever find myself in that situation.  Dealing with the outlaws can be totally taxing on it's own it seems.

As far as the highlighted part goes, if my husband to be really feels that way then I guess we were not compatible to start with and have  no business getting married.

Anyway got ta go, going to my own b'day party.

YAY!!!

Hip Hip Hooray!!

Hey Happy birthday girl!! I’m salivating already because knowing you, the party’s’ going to be filled with assorted wonderfully made food. Have fun okay!

@ Omo Ibo

Its not about being homely, its about being accomodating, knowing how to manage people and situations and going an extra mile for the one you love.

I don't see that as going an extra mile. We can't always go that extra mile if the one we love is becoming selfish with his or her desires.

Aloy.Emeka:

I don't see that as going an extra mile. We can't always go that extra mile if the one we love is becoming selfish with his or her desires.

Okay, whatever you say! I think you've made up your mind on what to do. Just dont complain if it causes problems in your marriage.

Don't allow that. If you can afford it, rent an apartment for her somewhere close by.

First of all, you are not living with the Mother In Law, instead, she is living with you.
And here is my take, when someone, regardless who the person is, living with you in your house with your wife, the wife comes first, cos she is the co-pilot of that home and not your mother, so your mother will have to respect the rules and regulations of the house, same applies to the mother of the woman.
A formal family settings is Husband, Mother, kids . . . .
Then, the extended family comes in . . . .
the extended family can go back to their own homes, if they cant handle the rules in my home, the door is right behind them.

@ Uju i can already guess u're not married, correct me if i'm wrong (pls no disrespect). My Mum was my best friend b4 i got married n even up untill nw we're still very close, even though my hubby is my nu BF.I'm also very much in like with my MIL, but my dear it's not advisable to have any of them live with u permanently at any point in your marriage. Make them comfortable where they are, look for means to better their lives, but pls bringing them over permanently is a no no. My Mum lived wit us for a period of 3 mnths after i had my baby n much as i enjoyed her company i knew it soon wear off by the time she overstays n begins to treat me like her little child in my own home, as soon as my fears began 2 manifest i quickly bought her omugwo tins she got d hint n began to talk abt going despite my hubby's pleas 4 her 2 xtend her stay. 2ndly my MIL also spent some time wt us n even with their closeness, my hubby began to complain abt her wanting to knw his every move,she mit hav tot she was being caring or protective bt  he was gettin pissed. 3rdly, as kids growing up,we always loved it each time any of our grannies come arnd bt when they begin to make life boring by dictating d channels we're to watch(naija movies)24/7, like my grandmum will always cry blood each time we watch an action movie we spent money renting dt we'll be begged not 2 watch it at all(our cash would go 2 waste) etc we began to pray 4 d end of d visit 2 draw near, i hope wit diz few points of mine, bla bla

@ Uju now that i've viewed your posts, i've confirmed my suspisions, dt's wot happens when u post after reading only halfway,silly of me sha. Bt poster pls for ur own gd or dt of your friend(whichever) don't even think twice abt it