[size=18pt] Another form of betrayal?[/size]
By Chinyere Fred Adegbulugbe
Published: Sunday, 24 May 2009

Whenever Nkeiru tells her friends that she is nursing a grudge against her husband, they find it hard to believe. For one, her husband, Mike, who is a very wealthy businessman can easily be described as a good husband. He doesn‘t womanise, (at least he has never been caught), and takes good care of his wife and children and most importantly have continued to be very supportive of his wife‘s career and dreams.

Another form of betrayal

For instance, as a marketing executive in a new generation bank, her job was as demanding as they come but Mike had remained as supportive as ever. Even when she resigned to start her own business, he almost single-handedly financed the project. What more could a woman ask for in a man?

If only they knew. You see five years ago, Nkeiru had gotten pregnant; her fourth, after three children. She recounted, ”We didn‘t plan it because we decided after Obinna, my last son that we were through with childbearing. And really, I didn‘t feel there was any need for more children after having three beautiful children. We decided to concentrate on giving the best we could to the three we had and everyone was happy.

”Then someday I started feeling ill. But I thought I had malaria and didn‘t even pay any attention when my friend suggested that I could be pregnant. As far as I was concerned she was talking rubbish. How could I be pregnant. I had an Intra-uterine Contraceptive Device (IUCD) inserted and had even visited my doctor three months earlier for the routine check-up. And she had assured me that everything was alright. But when Nike (my friend) compelled me to do a pregnancy test with a Do-It-Yourself kit she brought to my office one day, I was shocked that the test was positive.

”Whatever happened to protection? I kept asking myself. Really I wasn‘t ready for another child, not then, not ever. But I also knew that since I was already carrying a baby, (according to the test) I didn‘t have a choice but to be a mother one more time.

Was I expecting Mike to be excited about the baby? Certainly not. I knew he wasn‘t going to be happy. Therefore I was already rehearsing how to break the news to him. But though I was certain he wouldn‘t be happy I didn‘t expect his reaction. Oh, he did hit the rooftop with his anger and unsubstantiated accusations, going as far as accusing me of going behind his back to remove the IUCD in order to have a baby. Incidentally, a friend of ours had had a baby shortly before then, at 40. My husband and his friends had made her husband the butt of their jokes for a while. I guessed he was already imagining how his friends were going to make fun of him. He went ahead to suggest that I had an abortion.

Initially, she thought Mike was only overreacting and would definitely take back his words after he had calmed down. But she was dead wrong. She said, ”After a week he called me in the morning and asked if I had taken care of the situation, meaning if I had terminated the pregnancy as he suggested. I became aghast because his saying that not only meant that he was serious about what he said to me earlier, it made me suddenly begin to ask myself some very vital questions. Did I really know this man I had been living with for the past seven years? I mean I didn‘t know my husband was capable of encouraging anyone to terminate a pregnancy just to save face, least of all to tell his own wife to do it. And if he could ask me to terminate a pregnancy, what other things was he capable of doing which I didn‘t know about? These questions tormented me even as I tried to get him to reason. I told him I wasn‘t ready to go ahead with the procedure but he insisted I had to if I wanted peace to reign in the home. I cried endlessly but he wouldn‘t budge. He even threatened to go and impregnate a woman outside and call it a mistake. Those were the darkest days of my marriage and no matter how hard I tried to convince him he told me that the only thing that would restore peace in our marriage was if I terminated the pregnancy.

”He stopped talking to me and started keeping late nights and if I dared complain he would remind me that I betrayed him by getting pregnant after we had agreed that there would be no more babies. All my explanations that the pregnancy was an accident simply fell on a rocky ground. I even went to his elder brother to help me plead with him to reconsider but the brother told me he didn‘t want to interfere

”I felt completely alone. When I couldn‘t bear the situation anymore, I started making enquiries on how to terminate a pregnancy, (something I didn‘t do as a spinster, I was about to do as a 35-year old married woman). I couldn‘t believe I was capable of going through it until someone discreetly recommended a very competent doctor trained on safe abortions.

”I cried the entire way home from his office after it was done. I kept reminding myself that I had killed my own child; a gift given to me by God. For several days, I couldn‘t bear to look at my husband because he forced me to kill my child.

“And even till this day, each time I remember that I would have been a mother of four children today, rather than three, I can‘t but resent my husband for forcing me to tread that particular path. Sometimes I still wake in the night, crying and asking God to forgive me for not being strong enough to stand up to my husband when the need for it was greatest.”

Maybe one day she will truly let go but I guess she has to complete the healing process before that can happen. But it also suffices to say here that our men and women have a long way to go in understanding reproductive health issues. For instance people must understand that no form of family Planning is 100 per cent foolproof, except abstinence. That way all this talk about betrayal won‘t come into the picture at all. http://www.punchng.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200905243325890

That is one of the saddest stories I have ever read. I wonder what the husband would have accused her of if she had had her tubes tied and that failed? Some people are soooo cruel. I definitely would have had a hard time killing my child and I would have a hard time forgiving my husband for pushing me to do it. That is heartless.

prittigrrr:

That is one of the saddest stories I have ever read. I wonder what the husband would have accused her of if she had had her tubes tied and that failed? Some people are soooo cruel. I definitely would have had a hard time killing my child and I would have a hard time forgiving my husband for pushing me to do it. That is heartless.

dont you think at thirty something she had power to say no. it was not like her life depended on her killing the child. that could have been another good nigerian killed just by 2 misguided people. abortion is one wicked industry nigeria has. it is a no question asked process it is unbelievable.

How sad!
This will make her constantly unhappy when she thinks of it.
I wish though she had been able to draw more strength and refuse to do it, for crying out loud children as God's gifts don't come easy.

JJYOU:

dont you think at thirty something she had power to say no. it was not like her life depended on her killing the child. that could have been another good nigerian killed just by 2 misguided people. abortion is one wicked industry nigeria has. it is a no question asked process it is unbelievable.

I did not say that she did not have the power to say no.  I believe she did have the power to say no, but was pressured to do otherwise.  I am not totally blaming the husband, but only saying that it would hurt me to do such a thing.  It is a wicked industry wherever it is practiced in the world. I also believe this choice will haunt the lady. So many women suffer after this procedure. I also wish she could have found strength to say no; however, I think she felt her marriage would fail and that she was not willing to deprive her other children of a father if the marriage ended. The guy already threatened to impregnate another woman.

tubabie:

How sad!
This will make her constantly unhappy when she thinks of it.
I wish though she had been able to draw more strength and refuse to do it, for crying out loud children as God's gifts don't come easy.

yes ma'am they are a gift from God but when you live in nigeria it is easier to abort than stand up for what is right.

prittigrrr:

I did not say that she did not have the power to say no.  I believe she did have the power to say no, but was pressured to do otherwise.  I am not totally blaming the husband, but only saying that it would hurt me to do such a thing.  It is a wicked industry wherever it is practiced in the world.  I also believe this choice will haunt the lady.  So many women suffer after this procedure.  I also wish she could have found strength to say no; however, I think she felt her marriage would fail and that she was not willing to deprive her other children of a father if the marriage ended.  The guy already threatened to impregnate another woman.

 the man is a foolishness personified. i blame him cos he started the wickedness. he want to kill one and go impregnate another one as a revenge. there is a curse upon him.

abortions are too easy in nigeria. i have said it before most of the troubles we have in that country are the result of the ocean of innocent blood crying against that land.

JJYOU:

yes ma'am they are a gift from God but when you live in nigeria it is easier to abort than stand up for what is right.  the man is a foolishness personified. i blame him cos he started the wickedness. he want to kill one and go impregnate another one as a revenge. there is a curse upon him.

abortions are too easy in nigeria. i have said it before most of the troubles we have in that country are the result of the ocean of innocent blood crying against that land.

What are you going to use to back these claims of yours that abortion is too easy in Nigeria?It's not even legal except based on medical advice so how easy can it be?
Which countries did you use as your yardstick?
If you had said that Nigeria had a high rate of quack abortion, you would have sounded right!
Talking of easy abortion, you should come to The Uk and see the definition of the phrase.
Anyway my first deduction from the post was not on the ease of abortion in Nigeria but the trauma and effect that aborting a baby had on the woman and her marriage??

tubabie:

What are you going to use to back these claims of yours that abortion is too easy in Nigeria?It's not even legal except based on medical advice so how easy can it be? 
Which countries did you use as your yardstick?
If you had said that Nigeria had a high rate of quack abortion, you would have sounded right!
Talking of easy abortion, you should come to The Uk and see the definition of the phrase.
Anyway my first deduction from the post was not on the ease of abortion in Nigeria but the trauma and effect that aborting a baby had on the woman and her marriage??

are you trying to be funny ma'am? this is a serious matter. what is quark abortion again.  if nigeria kept proper statistics as they do in the uk you would be shocked it will take nigeria only 1 month to meet UK 1 yr figures.  we have been here on another thread so i will rest my case for today.

saying this "It's not even legal except based on medical advice so how easy can it be?"  tells me you probably are too young or you dont know how naija work.   name 2 laws you know are obeyed in nigeria then i will tell you what i know about this industry in an email.

JJYOU:

are you trying to be funny ma'am? this is a serious matter. what is quark abortion again.  if nigeria kept proper statistics as they do in the uk you would be shocked it will take nigeria only 1 month to meet UK 1 yr figures.  we have been here on another thread so i will rest my case for today.

saying this "It's not even legal except based on medical advice so how easy can it be?[/color][/b]  tells me you probably are too young or you dont know how naija work.   name 2 laws you know are obeyed in nigeria then i will tell you what i know about this industry in an email.

Aww , I was hoping we wouldnt have to sweep too much from the main topic but ok.

My point of contention was not if Nigeria have a higher rate of abortion _{of course based on our population alone its feasible}
My point is that it isnt easy to get abortion done in the proper way that would pose less health risk because of legal restrictions which forces most those ladies to go through the back door.
Majority of the girls doctors//quack doctors who carry out the procedure do it in inordinate circumstances.
And i will assure you ma'am too that my age is highly insignificant to the topic, I've been a NIGERIAN long enough to know how our legal system is.

tubabie:

Aww , I was hoping we wouldnt have to sweep too much from the main topic but ok.

My point of contention was not if Nigeria have a higher rate of abortion _{of course based on our population alone its feasible}
My point is that it isnt easy to get abortion done in the proper way that would pose less health risk because of legal restrictions which forces most those ladies to go through the back door.
Majority of the girls doctors//quack doctors who carry out the procedure do it in inordinate circumstances.
And i will assure you ma'am too that my age is highly insignificant to the topic, I've been a NIGERIAN long enough to know how our legal system is.

sorry to burst your burble and confidence. we did a documentary on this 4yrs ago. it is actually easier and cheaper for you to get abortions done in naija than to buy some medications. sadly even inside the so called teaching hospitals. there is almost a no question asked policy with the only question asked is how am i getting my money. we secretly recorded some doctors even doing abortions right inside their own living quarters with children playing around. we have been on this before so lets leave this. it is sunday afternoon ma.

JJYOU:

are you trying to be funny ma'am? this is a serious matter. what is quark abortion again.  if nigeria kept proper statistics as they do in the uk you would be shocked it will take nigeria only 1 month to meet UK 1 yr figures.  we have been here on another thread so i will rest my case for today.

I agree with this.

JJYOU:

sorry to burst your burble and confidence. we did a documentary on this 4yrs ago. it is actually easier and cheaper for you to get abortions done in naija than to buy some medications. sadly even inside the so called teaching hospitals. there is almost a no question asked policy with the only question asked is how am i getting my money. we secretly recorded some doctors even doing abortions right inside their own living quarters with children playing around. we have been on this before so lets leave this. it is sunday afternoon ma.

Well put like this and with the proof you claim to have, i'll let the discussion rest. _{[size=5pt]but pls drop the Ma'am titles you've been using for me,its somewhat uncomfortable my moniker will just be fine.
[/size]}

~Sauron~:

I agree with this.

thank you my bros.  i have seen clinics in nigeria with nothing else than strong pain killers and scizzors for you know what and someone is telling me law in naija.

i have been involved with orphanage/ motherless babies home for years. this is one area of naija has been of great interest to me.  our people dont know about the sanctity of the human lives and these girls start so young it is unbelievable.  it is like some wicked force has anesthetised our society towards accepting evil in our midst.  

punch today is reporting one of our good sister yeye saying "”It had opened me to the callous nature in some women and girls. There was a day I was summoned to see a girl who was in labour and would not want the baby after birth. I was there and even helped with the delivery. Right inside the bush, as the baby came out, and we were about cleaning her up, this girl stood up and ran away with blood dripping from her private part! There was a young woman who abandoned her set of twins but left the father‘s address in the pocket of the dresses on them. When we found him, he was living in an uncompleted house. He came to visit them once and we have never seen him since. There is a baby whose mother died and was abandoned by the father. I now advise young girls to stop dumping babies. Whenever they get pregnant and nobody to claim paternity, why not report to an orphanage or the social welfare department? Some babies have died in wherever they were dumped, some killed by wild animals or they are infected. It has taken God‘s grace and I have been asking the FCT minister to help us with our land. If we can build an orphanage on our permanent site, we can accommodate 250 children then. This place is too small for us.” http://www.punchng.com/Articl.aspx?theartic=Art200905244353868

thank God these were found we are talking of the ones that the mothers womb blinded from ever seeing light and sadly held down for murder.  

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=275853.msg3915041#msg3915041