Funky Funke’s Diary is a journey into the mind of a mad woman, Funke “Funky” Owonikoko. Once upon a time, Funke was a lecturer in a Nigerian university. Somewhere along the line, a nut got loose and she ran loose into the streets of Lagos. Now, she “rules” the streets of Lagos; observing, but never judging, the people and their dark secrets. No one knows how she knows these things. Like they say, mad people know and see stuff sane people don't.
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December 1 or 20... what is the date? ...

I was on my own observing my world... this Ketu park... this morning... Then they passed ... two boys and one girl. All I heard was "Sugabelly". I don't know what a "Sugabelly" is. I just decided to follow them. You know... try my luck. They were arguing. I followed them at a distance... I remember following one man and he thought I was going to eat him. I don't eat men. I just eat my man, Sanjay. He loves me so much... the fool pretends that he doesn't know me in the light of day. But, in the night ... I won’t tell you ... (giggles). After that day, I learnt to walk at a distance. These two boys and girl were talking too loud. One of the boys wore a red shirt. It reminded me of blood. Why would he wear red shirt? Loud colour! Everyone talks too loud these days... They shout... The person that is talking with them is not far o. They'll still be shouting anyhow... Gbo gbo* nonsense!

When I heard "Sugabelly", I thought they had something for me... My long throat made me stand by the bus they were sitting in. They were going to Agege... I just sat on the pavement close to the bus... I was waiting for something from their goody bag. What’s your selling point? That guy... where... is my sugabelly? Is there no candy for me? They disappointed me.

“Sugabelly is lying,” one of the boys said. “Everything she tweets is pure lies! She-”

“How will she now be lying about rape? Rape is a strong thing.” the girl interrupted him.

“I say she wants to sell her stupid phone cases, jare*.”

“So because of phone case, she’ll now be lying? She said she loved him. He took advantage of her emotions. He raped her with his friends and I heard one of his brothers was there or so.” The other boy said.

"The thing is that she was young and all. They dated for a while. During the period, he molested her. Didn't you see her blog? I even read his story and a lot of things didn't add up. He must have even asked people to fake those messages. You know he's an IT guy," the girl spoke as if she were arguing to win money.

"Someone even said that he knows that the guy bring girls to that hotel to do bad stuff to them. That guy is a wicked rapist. He's a monster. And he has daughters," I heard Red Shirt guy say.

“See, ehn... If that girl tells me good morning, I’ll have to confirm that true-true, it’s actually morning. I still-”

Yeee!* Lizard... I hate lizards... see how this one just run past as if... Ahaa... it’s chasing a female lizard. Lizardish rape... Real men are not lizards they don't rape women. The ones that violate a woman, the ones that think “No” means “Yes” are lizards...

They are animals. If a woman says no why do you keep asking and pleading and pleading. By pleading, you don't know you’re pressuring her? If you plead and plead, you just insulted her intelligence. You think she doesn’t...

know that she means no? If you rape a woman or a man, you are an animal that can’t control libido. Libido Lizard.

Lizard Libido.

Lizard.

“Audu...” I hear the other boy say. My curiosity ... “Audu guy is lying...”

Which Audu? Is it the one I said they killed last week?

Life! I said that they killed him but no one would believe. This girl killed him. She must have blackmailed him with her lies. And he must have had a heart attack. All the blackmail letters plus the election tension killed him. Ha! I said it! Human beings! Awon ika* World people!

Why would anyone lie that they were raped? She’s saying the truth. I hear everyone is standing with her. I stand with her.

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