Some ladies make one huge mistake that might haunt them for years, they do this because they are trying to please a guy they love while creating enemies for themselves, especially in a case where the dude isn't going to marry you. So, what is the essence of the initial self infliction?

You never know the mess you will find yourself tomorrow and the said dude will not be there to rescue you.

While on phone with a brother whom I served with, he told me that he reminded this girl of something that transpired between us (I and her) and she admitted that it is true. She said till date, it still hurts her.

It was a year of my service which had this pretty girl date another corper. The mistake she made was allowing the dude to control her. You might be wondering what happened.

While she was dating this dude, he dictate how she cooks, whom to give etc.

Her crime were in two folds. The first time I never knew what was happening and because she had often asked me for something which I never hesitate to give her, I felt if I asked she would give.

I was hungry and we hadn't been paid. So I walked up to her door to seek for assistance. She had some food, soup and I had garri. So I requested that she should just give me some soup. She told me she didn't have. I said okay and I was going back to my room, she called me back and gave me.

At this stage, I didn't know what was happening and so I narrated my experience to my closest NYSC friend. He laughed and told me I shouldn't mind the girl. He said it is the guy she is dating that warned her to mind how she give things to people.

Another time several months after was when, after closing hours at our PPA, I met her coming towards my direction when I asked her where she was going. She said she was going to the market and I told her I was hungry and I would like to eat after she was done. We went and came back together, I kept her company until she was done.

Right there in my presence, she started "flashing" her boyfriend. He arrived and she served themselves while I sat at a corner. She then asked me to join them. I looked at her and told her not to worry. That was how I left her presence but this time, I never failed to express my disappointment.

She did some other mistakes but I will stop here.

I told my kinsman who was my flat mate back then, considering we were from same region including the girl, what happened. We are done with NYSC and everyone have departed to their aboard. Sometime last week, I was on phone with my kinsman when he told me that he raised the issue again as he spoke to her on phone previously before I called him that day. He told her that hope she knows that she offended me and that before he could finish, she cut in and said she knows. She told him what happened and that it still hurts her till date.

The worst part is that she never really gained much from this dude and I can't deny the fact that I had feelings for her. However, she had given herself to the dude before we could even settle for our primary assignments at NYSC. In fact, same week we started our program. So all I could do was watch from a distance. You know it hurts when you know you could have made someone much happier but couldn't help seeing her being messed up.

I could remember 2 months back, she requested some financial assistance from me but I quickly changed the topic. She isn't lazy but where she is working isn't helping. It would be logical to reason that she would call on the dude whom she messed herself for, but she was calling me. I am not saying this because I am proud (maybe I haven't forgiven or forgotten) but if you as a lady find yourself in such situation... please do not create enemies for yourself just because you are in love with someone who hasn't promised to marry you. I feel for her though, especially when my kinsman told me she still regret her actions. I never knew she felt that way because we still communicate till this minute.

SAD!

saddest!

This is serious but would be fruitful

tomquest:
mypains

Between you and this referenced lady, I think you are the one who has a bad heart (or mind). I'll tell you why.

1) This lady has a good heart but was only momentarily swept away by her lover's overbearing influence. We all make mistakes when we are in love (that's why some say love is blind), but it takes a good woman/man to feel some remorse afterwards.

2) You allowed your unannounced love for her to let you get too personal with her. You escorted her to the market, ended up in her room waiting for her to cook and dish out to you. She gave you the red signal (by flashing her bf) yet you stubbornly stayed glued in her room until the dude arrived. Did you not realize that you were a little overbearing on her?

3) As a corper back then, I had two ladies fall over themselves weekly to serve me their food, why? Value. So, did you create value for yourself in her presence? If you did, she would have been the one always asking "please do you care for dinner?" and not you literally begging her to feed you when she's not your mum...

4) Things that happen during NYSC days are often not worth carrying over or making a storm out of a teacup. YOU SHOULD NOT JUDGE HER BASED ON THESE TRIVIAL THINGS you mentioned. Nobody is perfect, especially after judge graduating from a rough school experience...

5) This lady's boyfriend was only being overprotective, having seen that his babe was surrounded by males in the lodge. Don't blame him, it's a natural phase in love (animal instinct)... He would even laugh over the matter today.

6) Forget/forgive the past and be happy. Life is too short for all these acrimony.

I appreciate your comment more than others because you feel concerned and I will reply respectively.

1. Is true. She has good heart and well mannered.

2. You are wrong. She and even the dude she dated have more than once asked me for things bro. She isn't my mum and neither am I dependent on her. I have lost count of the times they asked me for things, even up to garri. I only felt we could help one another when one is down and I didn't see anything wrong in asking someone for help wherein I had been of assistance to the said person in the past. My laptop at that time was their TV because they often requested for it to watch movies. I never for once declined. They even used it more than myself since it was just useless to me because there was no internet in that village.
So you see? I never announced my feelings until she made me do it when she asked me a question. Truth is, she wasn't happy with the dude but she couldn't leave. She is that person that will stick to a guy even if it means dying.

3. When you talk about value, it is not like I often begged her for things. Haba, I am one of the few persons who hardly spend much time with folks discussing and I was often in my room. It is just like school parole where you relate with everyone. Would you deny you have never asked a girl for something? come on, stop the "I am too much to do that" attitude.

4. Your number 4 isn't really a good reason. The guy is just some self centered and selfish being. He did much more than that. I just can't imagine myself preventing a girl I am not married from being free and to be caged. He also influenced her to stop being diligent to her PPA. My point is why allow such? They almost sabotage our last project for the PPA and the principal had to call a meeting over this issue, requesting to speak to only her boyfriend and his accomplice.

5. Let's just say I feel bad over her experience because she deserved better. She good, well mannered. The dude has moved on now and she hurt someone in the process as well because she was protecting his interest. Nobody knows tomorrow bro, no one. I might still send her what she asked for if I feel like it. My only problem is that issues that has to do with helping people is what I don't joke with, especially where you could give and you had the full capacity. She can't even point to one thing she gained from the dude, absolutely none. Anyway, they often like being treated like trash, so who am I to bother?

[you quoted my first unmodified response]
@mypains,

It's obvious you love(d) this girl so much. And you secretly admired her long before her boyfriend came into her life, right? This is why you feel hurt over these issues. These issues are not that deep. The deep issue is that you wanted the girl. My question is: why didn't you boldly go for her before this guy came along?

Also learn how to read body language before you expose yourself to unnecessary hurt. If you've been really kind to this girl like you narrated, and yet she couldn't as much as respectfully knock at your door to offer you a plate of food in your time of need, couldn't you get the signal?

You see in Nigeria, asking a neighbor for pressing iron or pegs is quite different from asking for food. People have different orientation to food. Sometimes the request has to be chipped in as an obvious joke and then you gauge her response. For example, I only remarked to a female corper in my lodge "wow this your cooking is aromatic", and as soon as the food was cooked she asked "ok Tom food is ready o, should I dish you some?"...

She was in love and you were seen as a potential threat, the message was clear enough. She wasn't meant for you so I just wondered why you kept paying so much attention to her to the point of needlessly getting hurt. As a corper, girls would come in droves for you to be so busy catching fun and she'd be the one seeking your attention.

Lastly, if you still love this lady, for as long as she's not yet married, why don't you make a bold effort for her heart?

You think you are good and nice and maybe you really are, but i don't think the girl is really into you, so don't even bother to look for her if you don't want to risk a second heartbreak, you can still choose to be man by helping her if the case arises irregardless

Angeldepedro:
You think you are good and nice and maybe you really are, but i don't think the girl is really into you, so don't even bother to look for her if you don't want to risk a second heartbreak, you can still choose to be man by helping her if the case arises irregardless

You have point bro.

tomquest:
[you quoted my first unmodified response]
@mypains,

It's obvious you love(d) this girl so much. And you secretly admired her long before her boyfriend came into her life, right? This is why you feel hurt over these issues. These issues are not that deep. The deep issue is that you wanted the girl. My question is: why didn't you boldly go for her before this guy came along?

Also learn how to read body language before you expose yourself to unnecessary hurt. If you've been really kind to this girl like you narrated, and yet she couldn't as much as respectfully knock at your door to offer you a plate of food in your time of need, couldn't you get the signal?

You see in Nigeria, asking a neighbor for pressing iron or pegs is quite different from asking for food. People have different orientation to food. Sometimes the request has to be chipped in as an obvious joke and then you gauge her response. For example, I only remarked to a female corper in my lodge "wow this your cooking is aromatic", and as soon as the food was cooked she asked "ok Tom food is ready o, should I dish you some?"...

She was in love and you were seen as a potential threat, the message was clear enough. She wasn't meant for you so I just wondered why you kept paying so much attention to her to the point of needlessly getting hurt. As a corper, girls would come in droves for you to be so busy catching fun and she'd be the one seeking your attention.

Lastly, if you still love this lady, for as long as she's not yet married, why don't you make a bold effort for her heart?

Bro, her case is like the good girl being in the wrong hand and yes, I did love her and didn't say a word because she had already started dating that guy since they were in same compound while I was coming from a nearby town until I was able to sort my accommodation within our PPA. So, it was a case of time and chance which I didn't have.

My reason for feeling hurt is actually bordered on the fact that she is perfect rare gem who fell into the wrong hands and was not appreciated.

Bro, knocking at my door to offer me a plate was forbidden because that dude practically turned her into what she isn't. She has the good heart to do such a thing BUT because she was dating that guy, she couldn't do the things she would naturally love to do. It is like living under fear. I don't know if you are getting my point.

To be honest, I don't even enter her room like spending hours. It was more of distance thing or once a while. I never expressed anything to her and had planned to keep it that way until she said something rather shocking and surprising. Whether it was out of fear or deep thoughts, I have no idea and by this time, we had just 2 months to end NYSC. Of course there is no way she can automatically develop feelings for me at that time. But after hearing her, I opened up and told her about how I have felt all along. I told her we would talk more if she really want. She gave me audience.

As for your last paragraph, I did that after she said those shocking words, even offered to see her in PH and start afresh. But same person who said something felt indifferent, no matter how much I tried.

I think her remorse is based on the fact that she realized how much of a blunder she made in her choice, especially when it became clear that she was loving someone who didn't feel same towards her plus time wasted as well.

Like I said, I have done what you suggested in the last paragraph and still do but I feel I would be running at risk if I should proceed--I still love her all the same and it's not wise not to use my head as well.

Like the brother above said, I might suffer a second disappointment.

mypains:

My reason for feeling hurt is actually bordered on the fact that she is perfect rare gem who fell into the wrong hands and was not appreciated.

...that dude practically turned her into what she isn't.

I'm beginning to understand better why you felt the way you did.

You said she's a PERFECT RARE GEM. I don't know your age but I think with time you'd meet more gems. It all depends on your mindset: to be stuck in the past or to embrace the present with a clear optimism for the future.

Don't be too emotional over women issues because it would make you weak. Focus more on your personal development, career success, and all the "gems" would come creeping all over you. I'm talking from experience. Take your time to choose.

Go for a woman who shows CONSIDERABLE INTEREST in you. Don't waste your time trying to impress (or convince) those who are busy fvcking some other playboy dudes. They ain't worth your heart.

tomquest:


I'm beginning to understand better why you felt the way you did.

You said she's a PERFECT RARE GEM. I don't know your age but I think with time you'd meet more gems. It all depends on your mindset: to be stuck in the past or to embrace the present with a clear optimism for the future.

Don't be too emotional over women issues because it would make you weak. Focus more on your personal development, career success, and all the "gems" would come creeping all over you. I'm talking from experience. Take your time to choose.

Go for a woman who shows CONSIDERABLE INTEREST in you. Don't waste your time trying to impress (or convince) those who are busy fvcking some other playboy dudes. They ain't worth your heart.

Well said bro, well said. Thanks.

tomquest:


I'm beginning to understand better why you felt the way you did.

You said she's a PERFECT RARE GEM. I don't know your age but I think with time you'd meet more gems. It all depends on your mindset: to be stuck in the past or to embrace the present with a clear optimism for the future.

Don't be too emotional over women issues because it would make you weak. Focus more on your personal development, career success, and all the "gems" would come creeping all over you. I'm talking from experience. Take your time to choose.

Go for a woman who shows CONSIDERABLE INTEREST in you. Don't waste your time trying to impress (or convince) those who are busy fvcking some other playboy dudes. They ain't worth your heart.

Boss, I cut the bittch loose already and deleted everything about her from my phone, including the videos of her that I made when we served. The girl is badly wired to prefer guys who waste her time, no firm direction of where her relationship is going etc. It is pity that at her age, she is so damn a dunce to her own detriment. I can't believe such still existed.

I gave her a piece of my mind before let her off though.

Firstly i commend the guy for allowing you visit her, if she was open and free handed to you, bet me you would have bleeped her, women only care about the one thier hrt beats for at that point and dont give a shit about marriage, she made mistake not borrowing you things but sincerely if i where her bf, i wont even allow her give you a stick of matches, what i call people like you are "SIDE ATTRACTION", "FAMILIAR SPIRIT"when i was reading ur thread i was waiting to hear you had feelings for her, tnk God u later said d truth, you are been pained because someone else had her, nothing more, do u want to destroy thier union?... are thier no other girls you can borrow from, you are thesame person who will call her stubborn if she refuses to adhere to her bf's instruction, if you have your own relationship, allow boys to visit and borrrow from her, but for him, he is no cool with it, please dont give women wrong perception pls.


only you keeps coming to borrow and eat, i read lots of meaning to that, if she was single, you can sleep in her room for all i care but you know she is in a union and you keep lingering, dont be supriced the guy left her thinking she was cheatin on him, you even went to d market with her and sat till she finished cooking? and in ur presence she was calling her bf.. what message are u passing across sef? be glad he is not tempered like me,wait.. are you advicing us to keep lingering around pples partner and failure for her to accept us makes her bad?.. if God says you are her helper, you wil help her, but if its until she breaks her relationship to make you help her.. Oga you dont have fear of God..!

vchykp:
Firstly i commend the guy for allowing you visit her, if she was open and free handed to you, bet me you would have bleeped her, women only care about the one thier hrt beats for at that point and dont give a shit about marriage, she made mistake not borrowing you things but sincerely if i where her bf, i wont even allow her give you a stick of matches, what i call people like you are "SIDE ATTRACTION", "FAMILIAR SPIRIT"when i was reading ur thread i was waiting to hear you had feelings for her, tnk God u later said d truth, you are been pained because someone else had her, nothing more, do u want to destroy thier union?... are thier no other girls you can borrow from, you are thesame person who will call her stubborn if she refuses to adhere to her bf's instruction, if you have your own relationship, allow boys to visit and borrrow from her, but for him, he is no cool with it, please dont give women wrong perception pls.


only you keeps coming to borrow and eat, i read lots of meaning to that, if she was single, you can sleep in her room for all i care but you know she is in a union and you keep lingering, dont be supriced the guy left her thinking she was cheatin on him, you even went to d market with her and sat till she finished cooking? and in ur presence she was calling her bf.. what message are u passing across sef? be glad he is not tempered like me,wait.. are you advicing us to keep lingering around pples partner and failure for her to accept us makes her bad?.. if God says you are her helper, you wil help her, but if its until she breaks her relationship to make you help her.. Oga you dont have fear of God..!

Lol. Son, you don't even understand anything I wrote up there. Same person you say might feel she is cheating is same person that forks other girls when she travelled!

Dude, they borrowed from me more than I borrowed from them.

Is it my laptop (that one became their TV), my garri? The guy told her point blank he had no plan of marriage for her. YES he told her and it was very obvious among everyone of us coupled with the fact that she was much more older than he. I think he was just 22-23 then.

My point is that she deserves better or would you like to see your own sister wasting away by guys who do not value her?

She is pretty,
Well mannered,
She does not cheat.
She has good home skills
She is not lazy

BUT BUT BUT...

Her choice of guys is very WRONG!!!!

It's her life and her business bro. I am not saying all these cos of pains or regrets. Nah... I have stopped all forms of communication with her for some months now and I am well at peace.


The only thing I can take out of it is her preference and choice of guys. Simple. Most ladies are like that. They prefer someone who isn't nice to them to those who is. So I clearly isn't in her category.

Bro, take it from me, she is wife material and shouldn't be struggling to settle down BUT her life her choice

I am moved on!

oga me, this na wetin we do for secondary school na you dey do for nysc. baba, go findwork

jorion:
oga me, this na wetin we do for secondary school na you dey do for nysc. baba, go findwork

lol. Na so bro.